Part Twelve
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The weeks went by slowly, and outside the days were getting shorter and colder. The leaves had finished falling from the trees and remained scattered across the streets. Emma still couldn't get used to the winters, with their long, dark nights, and often dreary days. Her mood had always been influenced by the seasons. She hated cold, wet, and grey weather. She hated being stuck inside and much preferred being out in the fresh air.
That was one of the reasons she loved her job. Being out on patrol was like breathing to her. She loved to drive around town- the window rolled down- and feel the wind through her hair. It made her feel alive and free. And at the same time, she found meaning and purpose in helping others. It was her job to protect the townsfolk and keep them safe. Strangely enough, this also frightened her more than anything. What if I'm not good enough? What if I fail? Yet, at the same time, it was a challenge and she liked challenges. She had thrived on challenges all her life.
In that instant, so many images flashed though her mind- images of her and Regina throughout the years. How they fought each other so long and so fiercely that eventually they began to admire and respect each other. How they encouraged, supported and challenged each other because they knew each other's gifts and strengths and made the most of them. They had overcome so many battles together, so many obstacles, and it only made them stronger.
She couldn't help but wonder what all of that meant. It had to mean something, right? The pull between them went beyond friendship, beyond any human bond she'd ever formed. What was it between them- destiny, insanity, love? The feeling terrified her, and she'd sensed it terrified Regina as well.
She and Regina had settled into a comfortable routine over the past weeks. They would usually meet every morning without fail to have coffee and plan their lunch times depending upon their schedules. They were almost inseparable during those hours of the day. It was such a routine occurrence that it was known by just about everyone in town that the two would have lunch together every day at Granny's.
As her relationship with Regina grew deeper and stronger, her relationship with Killian grew more distant. She always found some excuse to cancel or shorten their plans together, and sex between them became non-existent. Every time she looked into his bright blue eyes, she felt so incredibly guilty for acting the way she did. For feeling the way she did. And as they fleetingly said goodbye to each other that morning, she realized how much they had grown apart over the past month. The situation was just so damn complex, she had no idea what to do.
She felt guilty about the littlest thing. Sometimes her behavior almost felt irrational, even to herself. She felt guilty about forgetting to ask him if he'd had supper, for switching her phone to silent, for forgetting to buy his favorite rum. But most of all, she felt guilty for spending her days daydreaming about Regina, her nights reaching for her in her sleep, and she couldn't take it anymore.
Every moment she spent with Killian, she found her thoughts drifting to the brunette. It was nuts, crazy, and unacceptable. And the fact that she was looking forward to spending a whole weekend with her- without Killian- made Emma feel even more guilty, and a little exited, for having these feelings at all.
She realized that all of her guilt was manifested in being afraid to make a change in her life. She wanted to keep things the way they were. But at the same time, she knew she was good in everyone's eyes except her own. In her own eyes, she was a horrible mess. She tried so desperately to fulfill the expectations of others without considering her own needs. She just languished on being fearful of stepping out of her comfort zone. What would happen if she broke up with Killian? Would everything fall apart without him? Well, with the way she'd been acting lately, it would not have made much of a difference.
She rarely focused on herself. To focus on herself was often very painful. There was a whole lot of hurt and pain and regret on the inside. She was twitchy, on edge, and every time she thought about the future, her stomach rolled. She couldn't live like that.
Killian had noticed. She occasionally caught a concerned look in his eye, but she was ignoring it. She was so good at ignoring things she didn't want to talk about. She knew she couldn't change her feelings, but she could control her actions. She just needed to focus on herself for a while. She knew Killian would be okay. She knew that if she didn't get herself together, then he would suffer.
She closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep steadying breath, trying to soothe her frayed nerves and troubled thoughts. Her hands trembled and she fisted them on her thighs. She couldn't recall ever feelings so nervous before. She leaned her head back against the seat, trying to relax. She focused on the sound of the music playing softly on the speakers.
The week had gone by so slowly. And as the days dragged by she began to get more and more anxious about their trip. Not only were they going to a spa, but she would be with the woman she couldn't stop thinking about. But there was another reason she felt anxious as hell. She was struggling to fight temptation. She was falling under Regina's spell and didn't think she could resist much longer.
She sneaked a glance at the woman beside her, her mouth breaking into a smile as she soaked up the memory of her features in her mind. Regina's dark eyes were concentrated on the road, her hands on the steering wheel, as she hummed along with the last notes of a song on the radio. She seemed more relaxed than Emma had ever seen her; her expression was almost serene. And she noticed idly that the brunette was wearing jeans, the only time she'd ever seen her dressed so casually, and a red pullover sweater that accentuated the natural glow of her skin.
A shiver crept up her spine and her eyes fluttered closed. She knew with each day that passed her feelings for Regina were growing more real. It had been almost a month since that day in her kitchen, and they'd kept their distance physically. Maybe because of this, her physical need for the brunette had grown every day. Just seeing her walk caused an electric current to float over her skin, but she hadn't dared act on her feelings and desires, because it meant she'd have to admit that her relationship with Killian was over. And she wasn't sure she was ready to admit that yet.
Besides, she had no idea how Regina felt. That they were more than just regular friends was certain, but she could not tell if the brunette desired her. Maybe she was just flirting with her.. Sometimes it seemed as though they were tipping into something close and deep, but then she would decide that this was wishful thinking. But somehow, forgetting what had happened between them was much harder than she expected.
One hour later they arrived at their destination. After checking in at the large reception desk and getting the key to their room, they made their way to the elevator which took them slowly to the third floor and room 302 which was their home for the next three days. By then it was almost nine p.m. and both were tired from the long ride.
"I can't believe we have to share a room," Regina said, feigning annoyance. She placed her suitcase against the wall and looked around. Oblivious to the frozen state of the woman behind her, she started exploring the room. She smiled appreciatively as her eyes took everything in.
Emma's mind raced a million miles per hour, as she muttered under her breath, "And a bed.." A surge of unwelcome anticipation pulsated along her nerve endings. The king-size bed was draped with an ivory coverlet made of silk and lace. Just looking at it made her nervous and excited all at the same time. One moment, she prayed that she could touch Regina, and the next, she hoped she wouldn't dare.
"What did you say?" Regina asked, looking at her curiously. Of fuck, did I say that out loud? Emma's face turned scarlet as she blushed and smiled nervously. "Nothing.." she said quickly, trying to keep her gaze from drifting to the bed. She couldn't just stand here, panicking. Making a complete fool out of herself had not been in her plans that morning. So far she was failing miserably.
Finally able to move again, she reached for a chair and sat down heavily, staring at her hands in her lap. She clenched her jaw and willed herself to calm down. Still her pulse raced. A moment of silence settled between them. Emma hated to image what the brunette might be thinking. She needed to compose herself, and fast. But her pulse quickened even further as she heard Regina approach.
"If this makes you uncomfortable, I can check-" Regina started, but Emma cut her off. "No!" she exclaimed. Her gaze jerked to the brunette's and then she wished- oh, how she wished- that she hadn't looked at her at all. Her dark eyes were intense, compelling, and in that moment she knew. She knew how desperately she wanted this. She didn't want to be numb. She wanted to be wide awake, here, in the moment.
"Then what is it, Emma?" Regina asked quietly, stepping closer. "What is bothering you? You hardly said a word on our way here." She looked so concerned, so genuinely concerned, that Emma almost told her how she felt right then. But the words stuck in her throat.
"I know.. I'm sorry.." she choked out, running a shaking hand through her hair. Regina pulled another chair over and sat down in front her. Tentatively, she placed a hand on Emma's knee and searched her gaze. "Talk to me, please.. Have I said or done something to upset you?" Her voice was soft, unsure.
Emma closed her eyes and bowed her head. She felt the warmth of Regina's touch through her jeans, her skin tingling in awareness. She swallowed thickly, then took a deep breath before meeting the brunette's eyes again. "No, it isn't you.. It's me. I'm sorry, I'm just so… tense all the time these days."
Regina cocked an eyebrow and smiled warmly. "Then you're exactly where you should be.." she murmured playfully, lightening the mood between them. Emma smothered a grin. Regina had somehow managed to put her slightly at ease, and she silently thanked her, though her throat felt so constricted she wasn't able to utter a single word.
A comfortable silence settled between them as they stared at each other. It was something that was occurring more often now. They'd sit across a table or, after one of their many shared dinners, relax on the couch reading, then without warning look up and find the other staring. A shared wink and smile, and then they'd return to whatever it was they were doing at the time. Emma couldn't explain exactly what it was, but it fascinated her to no end. She flashed Regina a soft smile, and watched her deep brown eyes sparkle with something she couldn't name.
A sudden movement caught her eye and as she glanced down, the brunette flicked her fingers and suddenly, with a puff of smoke and a flash of light, a small bottle appeared in her hand. Emma's breath hitched and her eyes became huge. "How.. How did you..?" she stuttered, shocked, confused. Regina looked surprised, too. She stared at the bottle, pooching her lips out and frowning. "I'm not quite sure.. but my guess is that Rumple somehow disturbed the balance in this world."
A quiver of unease settled in her stomach when the brunette waved her hand again, a glowing fireball erupting from her palm. She gaped in shock at the magical fire, seeing the heatless flames dance and crackle while her mind was working overload. How is that even possible? She shouldn't be able to do this! There were no loopholes in the curse. They weren't in Storybrooke; they were in a different world, where different rules applied. And, more importantly, nothing of a magical nature ever came free. A price was always paid to keep the balance. What if- Her gaze snapped up to Regina's face which held an almost intrigued look, her dark eyes shining, reflecting the flames.
When Regina looked up and caught the blonde staring at her, their gazes locked and held across the fire. The flames licked at the corner of Emma's vision and she couldn't seem to look away, her gaze drawn irresistibly to the brown depths of the woman in front of her.
A thrumming started in the pit of her stomach and her eyes widened. She recognized the sensation and balled her hands into fists before forcing her muscles to relax. Energy flowed through her, tingling and glowing beneath her skin like translucent electricity, ready to be unleashed. As always, her magic seemed to be tied to the brunette's, and she desperately tried to hold in it.
Regina must have sensed her discomfort, because she immediately closed her hand into a fist, and the fire extinguished. She looked intently at the blonde as she searched her face, concern darkening her eyes. Emma glanced down at her hand, then shook her head. "Doesn't that worry you a little?" she asked in a high voice, unable to mask her distress.
Regina sighed and smiled, meeting the blonde's gaze once again. "Honestly? No, I choose not to.." she said earnestly, her dark eyes holding Emma's. She paused for a moment, as if she were reflecting on something. "In Henry's comic books, Superman gets to save the entire world. But we're just mortals, Emma, and this is not a comic book. We can only save part of the world. And even doing that much takes a hell of a lot of luck, and more sacrifice than I care to think about."
Emma gaped at the brunette, speechless for a moment, her eyes wide and brimming with tears. "What about the parts you can't save?" she asked quietly, folding her arms around herself. She suppressed a shudder. "What do you do about the people who die because you can't do your job well enough to save them?"
Regina gasped softly. She leaned forward in her chair, and placed her hand on Emma's knee again. She squeezed lightly, making the blonde look up at her. "Emma.." she breathed quietly, her eyes softening with concern. "You are a very brave woman, but you can't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders."
Their gazes held for a moment, then Emma slowly nodded her head. She knew Regina was right, but that didn't make it any easier to deal with. She bit her lip, and tried to draw strength from the brunette's touch. "That's the way I've been feeling for years." she timidly confessed, her emerald eyes revealing her vulnerability.
Regina tightened her grip on Emma's knee once more, before she rubbed the same spot soothingly. Her forehead creased and she smiled a thin, kind of sad, smile. "I know, dear.."
Although she felt like crying, or screaming, a strangled laugh escaped Emma's throat. It was a weird sensation. She startled both herself and Regina. "I'm no fucking Savior, am I?" she exclaimed bitterly.
"Yes, you are.." Regina replied, almost instantly. Her deep brown eyes were fierce and protective, as if angry at the pain Emma had been experiencing for so long. "You have done so many good things to help others. You've brought so much to us all." Her tone left no room for debate. Emma swallowed hard; there were so many conflicting emotions and sensations running through her, causing her to feel both exalted and totally exhausted.
Regina's eyes were fixated on her face with an expression of such deep, such unutterable tenderness, that it made her breath catch. When the brunette spoke again, her voice was even softer, deeper. "But now it's time to think about yourself, Emma. You can be whoever you want to be. Just follow your heart and it will work out. I know you'll choose the right path." Regina held her gaze captive, willing her to see that she meant it. "Because you are good, Emma."
By now Emma's heart was racing, and she didn't dare to speak. A quiet smile drifted across her features as she recalled the moment when Regina had uttered those exact same words, feeling that same kind of warmth spreading throughout her chest.
"I know you're scared of the unknown, but it is all worth it in the end." Regina continued warmly, trying to comfort the blonde. She glanced down at her hand which still rested on Emma's knee, as she absentmindedly stroked the fabric of her jeans. "My only regret was I did not do it sooner. I could have stopped it, I could have prevented everything from ever happening, if only I had opened my heart sooner. I don't want you to have any regrets like me.."
Emma leaned forward a little with her eyes wide and brows arched. "Don't you see, Regina?" she whispered, once again looking vulnerable and broken. "I already have so many regrets. I can't stand to add another one." In one swift movement, Regina took Emma's left hand between her own. "It wasn't your fault, Emma! Can't you see that?"
But Emma just shook her head, her blond hair dancing around her shoulders. "It doesn't matter, though, does it?" she whispered, defeated, tears welling up in her eyes again. "That was it, game over. He died.. he died because of me."
She tried to pull her hand from the brunette's grasp but she wouldn't let her. She only held on tighter. Their gazes locked and Emma's stomach quivered at the raw emotion blazing in Regina's eyes, a wild mesh of feelings she couldn't even begin to describe.
"He died because of me!" Regina blurted out, practically yelling out the last word. "He died to save me!" Emma fell into shock all over again, and her jaw dropped open. She pulled it shut, and managed to shake her head in denial. She reached forward with her free hand to grasp the brunette's, and pulled both Regina's hands in hers.
"No!" she choked out, "God no, Regina! This is nowhere near your fault! There was nothing you could do.." Their knees bumped as the brunette leaned forward. Her voice dipped lower to a challenging tone. "If that's the truth, Emma, then why are you blaming yourself? You weren't even there! I was the only one who had a chance of saving him."
Emma's forehead creased and she shook her head wildly again. "No, just.. no! Hades did this, Hades murdered Robin!" she nearly screamed, the sureness ringing through her voice. For a tension-fraught moment their eyes remained locked together. She watched for Regina's reaction, and was taken aback by the grin that slowly spread across the woman's beautiful features.
One dark brow lifted. "I'm sorry, what did you just say?" Her brown eyes sparkled challengingly. Confused and unable to comprehend what was happening, Emma shifted in her seat. "Hades did this.." she whispered again, realization slowly dawning in her emerald eyes. She knew the brunette had her exactly where she wanted her; she had deliberately provoked this reaction. Emma didn't know whether to be angry of grateful.
"That's right, Emma. Hades is the one to blame.." she said pointedly, without even blinking an eye. "And he got exactly what he deserved. It wasn't our fault. There was nothing either of us could do about it. So.. please, let it go. Just let it go."
Emma lowered her head a little and studied their hands for a minute before she answered, "I don't know if I can. I made a promise I didn't keep, and I let you down. I should have helped you find your happy ending.." Regina must have heard the pain in her voice, because she didn't hesitate with her response.
"Your job is not done, dear." Her voice was as warm and sure as she looked. "I'm familiar with your stubbornness, so I trust you won't stop trying. And someday we will find it." Hope welled up in Emma's heart. We. We will find it. Giddy anticipation gushed through her and she quickly tempered it down.
Regina cocked her head slightly, dark eyes seeking the blonde's. "But that day is still a dream. A dream I've been pursuing for some time now, and again, there have been unexpected bends in the road. But I press on because I know I will reach my destination. I've promised myself that. Until then, I will savor my time with my family and friends, and be grateful to have them around."
For several moments Emma just gaped at her, stunned. And as the words sank slowly into her head, she realized they were true. She could see it in the brunette's eyes. Hope. Belief. Love. She opened and closed her mouth, but nothing came out.
Regina smiled and pulled Emma's hands deeper into her lap. "I've already told you my happy ending isn't a man. My happy ending is finally feeling at home in the world, and Robin was just a part of that." She sounded so sure, so sincere, yet she couldn't be, could she? "Jesus, how can you be so strong about this?" Emma heard herself saying, voice hoarse and small in her own ears.
Regina rolled her eyes and chuckled, then muttered sarcastically, "Oh, so you want me to say it out loud?" She squeezed the blonde's fingers and Emma squeezed back. "Alright, fine.. Though it pains me to say it aloud, I've learned from the best.. your family." She paused for a moment to allow the significance of her statement to sink in.
"I've come to realize that with all the crazy things I thought necessary to make me happy I had instead a shallow existence. You see, I've come to terms with the notion that the pursuit of happiness in itself is idiotic. And I had to learn the hard way that what's important can't be bought. Nor can it be seen. Happiness is something you feel. In fact, it can only be felt. And nothing can bring it about except you yourself."
Emma was hanging onto every word, almost breathless. Her unease had dissipated now, replaced by a strange blossoming warmth that seemed to be spreading outwards. Gradually, she felt a soft smile creep over her lips.
"Love is strength, not weakness.." Regina mused, her dark eyes piercing the blonde's. A shiver made its way down Emma's spine, and she nodded slowly. Their eyes tangled wordlessly and they shared a beautiful smile.
Regina let out a shaky, shuddering breath before she spoke again. "Do you trust me?" Her voice sounded somehow nervous. Emma blinked, confused by the question. "Yes," she whispered without the slightest hesitation, "Of course I do." Regina tried to say something but ended up just smiling a beautiful, bashful smile.
"Why do you ask?" Emma said quietly, entranced by the brunette's smile, her eyes, not to mention the fact that they were close, so close. Something dropped to the floor beside them. It clattered and rolled, stopping at her feet. She didn't even flinch, so mesmerized was she by the intensity of Regina's expression. The air between them crackled with all the things they'd tried so hard to ignore- lust, need, and something much more frightening than mere affection.
She gasped when Regina reached down between her legs, and picked up something from the floor. The brunette looked down at her hand and smirked. "What are you going to do with that?" Emma nodded towards the tiny bottle in her hand. Regina's smirk, somehow- Emma didn't know how- widened even further. "Take off your shirt, dear."
TBC
