Kristen felt guilty. Gut wrenchingly guilty. She had everything she wanted – the boy and the girl. She would spend the day with Dakota, and the night with Rob or visa versa. She would text one while with the other, tell them both that she loved them. She wasn't lying. She did love them both. And she struggled with the idea of monogamy, and the thought of whether what she was doing was really so wrong. She was deceiving Rob. He had no idea. He was absolutely clueless. He trusted Kristen blindly. Every word that fell out of her mouth he took to be the truth. He knew she was a horrible liar. But what he didn't account for was that she was an excellent actress.
Dakota had difficulty sleeping lately. She couldn't alleviate the stress that came from being the other woman. She was a mistress, a deceiver. She was a saboteur. She couldn't help her flare for the dramatic when it came to her life now – she was everything she had dismissed in the movies, the TV shows. She was knowingly deceiving another person – someone she once considered a friend. She knew it would kill Rob if he found out. It would devastate him. He was so sensitive, so protective. If he only knew what happened when his beloved girlfriend left his side…
But she didn't care. That was what kept her up at night. She felt guilty for not feeling guilty. She wanted Kristen, she wanted her so bad that it ached. And she would do anything to have her – she would lie, cheat. She would do anything. It disturbed her to realize this, remembering Kristen's words; "I'm addicted to you."
Their lives were like a poorly written soap opera.
"Hey," Kristen whispered, nudging Dakota.
Dakota stirred slightly. They must have fallen asleep. She blinked, looking over at Kristen.
"Wha-what time is it?" she asked.
"It's like 4 in the afternoon. We dozed off for a bit." Kristen replied.
Dakota squinted. "Do you have to go?" She knew this was inevitable.
"Not yet," Kristen said. She wrapped her arm around Dakota's tiny frame.
Dakota smiled slightly. "I hate when you leave," she said sleepily.
Kristen bit her lip. "I know," she said.
"Sometimes I wish I wasn't so…into you," Dakota said. She smiled slightly.
Kristen kissed Dakota's neck. "No you don't."
Dakota turned to look at Kristen completely. "It's so much easier for you."
Kristen shook her head. "I hate leaving you too."
"But you get to go to…him. And I have to wait here for you to come back."
Kristen sighed, brushing hair out of Dakota's face. "I know," she said.
"I believe you when you say you love us both. It's just…I want you all the time. I want to wake up in the middle of the night and have you be there, you know?" Dakota took a deep breath. "And it's so much easier for him too. He doesn't know. I mean, he has no clue. He goes on every day thinking you're only with him, while I'm sitting here knowing exactly what's happening when you're not with me. His ignorance is bliss."
Kristen clenched her jaw. "Dakota," she said softly, looking down at her delicate face.
"I would do anything for you. I really would. And if you think I haven't thought about leaving him, you're wrong. It's so different with you. But, he's been everything to me for so long. I just…I don't know what I would do without him."
"But, you have me. Aren't I just as good?" Dakota could feel a sting in her eye. She blinked it away.
"Of course. Of course you are. And I know this hurts you. And I know I am hurting both of you. It's awful. The more I talk about it and think about it, the more I start to hate myself for doing this. But I can't stay away from you, and I can't leave him."
They were both quiet for a moment.
"I don't think I could stop wanting you if I tried," Dakota said, her voice sounding far away.
Kristen leaned in and touched her nose against Dakota's. "I have tried. It was awful, and I failed." She smiled, pressing her lips against Dakota.
Dakota moved slightly, pressing herself against Kristen. Every time they kissed it was like everything melted away and all that mattered was what was happening right then.
Later that night.
"What the hell is this?" Rob asked, turning his computer around to reveal a photo of Kristen leaving Dakota's house.
Kristen panicked for a moment, but kept a calm face. "Why are you reading that shit?" She felt guilty for getting caught, but also violated, once again, by the creepy nature of the paparazzi.
"This was taking this afternoon, it says," Rob continued. "Were you at Dakota's this afternoon?"
Kristen shrugged. "Yeah."
"Well, you look like you spent the whole night there."
Kristen licked her lips. "I did."
"Why?"
Kristen crossed her arms, feeling defensive. "Because I wanted to."
"Well, I don't really know how I feel about that," Rob replied.
"Oh, really?" Kristen said, raising her eyebrows. "What's it to you?"
Rob was getting angry. "What's it to me? Damn it, Kristen. She's your ex-girlfriend. How the hell would you feel if I was spending the night at my ex-girlfriend's house?"
"You're ex-girlfriend lives in England," Kristen said sarcastically.
"You know what I mean, Kristen. Why didn't you tell me you were with her?"
Kristen shrugged, trying to keep her cool. "I didn't think it mattered."
"Well, it fucking matters," Rob said, slamming his laptop shut and storming out of the room.
"Shit," Kristen said under her breath. She got up and followed him into the kitchen.
"Rob," she said. "Why are you getting so angry about this? Am I not allowed to see my friends?"
He glared at her. "She is not just your friend, Kristen. And you know that."
"What are you talking about?" Kristen said defensively. She felt her face get hot and her heartbeat increase in her chest.
"She means more to you than you let on, and I can see it. Don't try and pretend that you don't love her anymore. I see it in the way you look at her still, and the way you talk to her all the time. I'm beginning to think something is going on." Rob snarled slightly, his jealousy more obvious than it's ever been.
Kristen stood there, her mind racing. "I…I…it's not…fuck." She stuttered.
"You're nervous," Rob said. "That's enough for me to assume you're guilty."
"Guilty?" Kristen asked. "Of what?" she was yelling now.
Rob looked at her and shook his head. "Are you sleeping with her?" he asked, his face frozen.
Kristen looked him straight in the eye, blinking only once. "No," she said. She could hardly believe she had just lied to his face. Her stomach churned and she felt like she was going to be sick. She hated herself for this. She was a hypocrite.
Rob stared at her, scanning her face. "Aren't I enough?" he asked softly. "Aren't I enough for you?"
Kristen's eyes stung and she looked at the ground. She felt goosebumps shoot up her arm.
"I do love her," she said, almost in a whisper.
Rob stepped closer to her. "If you love her, then why are you pretending to love me?"
"I'm not pretending," she said, her voice breaking.
"But Kristen," Rob said. "You are."
She looked at him, and felt a sting in her eyes. "Rob," she croaked.
"I think," he said. "We should take a break so you can figure out what you want. Because I won't share you Kristen. I can't." He put his hand on her face for a moment, before grabbing his keys off the counter and walking out the door.
Kristen stood there, staring at the spot he had just left, and felt as though she had been caught. She didn't know how much he had figured out, but she felt embarrassed and sad that she had hurt him like this.
Dakota's phone rang and she picked it up instantly as she saw Kristen's name.
"Hi," she said, a smile spreading across her face.
"I- I think he knows," Kristen stuttered.
Dakota's heart skipped a beat. "What do you mean?"
"I-I think we kind of, uh, well, I think he broke up with me. I don't know. He said we should go on a break so I can figure out what I want. He said he won't share me, and he knows how I feel about you."
"How? I don't understand…"
"There was a picture online. Those fucking creeps got a picture of me coming out of your house and he saw it and he…left."
They were both quiet for a moment.
"So, now what?" Dakota asked softly.
Kristen sighed. "I don't know."
"Well, are you okay?" Dakota said. She was beginning to worry and didn't like the sound of Kristen's voice right now.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm just…I guess it was a bit of a reality check you know?" Kristen replied slowly.
"Well, do you want me to come over or…" Dakota asked cautiously.
Kristen smiled slightly. "I feel wrong if you come over to comfort me," she laughed slightly.
"But, I'm really good at it," Dakota hinted.
Kristen sighed. "Am I a bad person?" she asked softly.
"No," Dakota replied. "You're just…confused."
They were quiet for a moment. Kristen picked at the frayed threads on her jeans. She thought about how she really and truly felt now…and was a little ashamed to realize she felt relieved. She didn't have to sneak around anymore. Rob had left her, for all intents and purposes, and now she could be with Dakota. She bit her lip and opened her mouth to speak, but closed it again.
"Hello?" Dakota asked.
"Hi, sorry," Kristen replied. "I, uh, I'm just thinking."
"About?"
"You. About us."
"What about it?"
"You remember when I told you before that I would always choose you?"
"Yes," Dakota said. She swallowed hard, unsure of where this conversation was going.
"And then I lied, and I chose Rob instead?"
"Yes," Dakota said again.
"Well, I made a mistake," Kristen said. "I should have chosen you all along. I mean, Rob was everything to me. Before you and I started…getting to know each other better. And then he was just a distraction. I love him, I do. I always will, but…it's you that I always felt myself around. It's you that I can never get out of my mind."
Dakota smiled. "So, does that mean I can come over?"
Kristen laughed slightly. "Yes, Dakota. It means you can come over."
As soon as Kristen opened the door, Dakota threw herself into her arms. They kissed for a long time, standing there in the hallway. Kristen looked at Dakota's delicate face and cupped it in her hands. She knew that this would bring complications, and that it would only add salt to the wound of her and Rob's relationship, but when Dakota was there, their bodies pressed together, she knew that none of that really mattered anymore. She didn't have to lie anymore, not to Rob, not to herself, not to anybody.
As they crawled into bed, Kristen wrapped her arm around Dakota's slender frame. She felt more relaxed than she had in months, as the scent of Dakota's skin floated around her. She would fix everything in the morning, she though to herself. But she knew that her decision had finally been made. She had been so foolish before, had been trying to be something that she isn't. And now, everything was so quiet and still, just as it had always been when she was alone with Dakota. And just how she imagined it would always be.
