Chapter 12:
She was staring, yet again, at the distant stars through the window on her ceiling. The day wasn't over yet, but she needed to clear her mind. Her life had spiraled out of control and she needed to find the brakes before she hurt someone. She could feel her heart constricting at the thought that maybe she was too late and already someone was hurt. She took a deep breath and cursed loudly, thankful that there was no one else with her to see her like this except EDI, but she was not going to be picky.
She needed to place some distance between Garrus and herself. She knew he was important to her but, how important was he? She had no idea. He was one of her closest friends, but so were Tali, Chakwas and Joker. She trusted him with her life, but she did the same with most of her ground team. True, she teased him; but she did the same with Joker and Tali.
Ever since she found him on Omega she'd been calling him by his first name. She hadn't done that before with anyone. Tali and Wrex being exceptions only because quarian last names were the names of their ships and the krogan had never given her his last name. Then again, she still called the krogan Wrex after learning his clan name on Tuchanka.
She didn't feel particularly bad about it. None of them felt the need to call her by her first name either. Kaidan had done it once and she'd quickly reminded him of the regulations. She tried to imagine Garrus calling her by her first name and couldn't see it happening. Would she even care if he did?
She tried to imagine having a relationship with him. It wasn't as hard as she thought. The turian was already closer to her than anybody else. Her family had been closer, but they were all dead. Garrus knew when he needed to take care of her and when he needed to step back and let her use a missile launcher against a Colossus. He teased her, advised her, and even went against her if he thought she was placing herself under unnecessary risk. And the look he gave her... Her heartbeat doubled every time she thought of it. She'd never been attracted to aliens before, but Garrus was different. He'd always been different, she just began noticing now.
Maybe it was all Cerberus' fault, since Thane didn't look so bad and Wrex was beautiful in a 'wow look at those muscles' way. She stopped her train of thought right there before she went through the other known races. She'd have to shoot herself in the head if she even thought of volus in that way. God, she was going to have nightmares now.
At least she knew there was something funny with her. She really, really wanted to blame Cerberus for it. She found it ironic that a humanity first organization brought her back to life as a raging xenophile. Unfortunately, she was almost a hundred percent sure the fault lay in her pregnancy. Hormones were a bitch, though at least she wasn't crying or puking anymore. One had to see the positive side too. And she still found Jacob's abs sexy, even if she didn't trust him. Plus she had ogled Kaidan's ass when he walked away, though she'll never tell anyone she had.
Shepard had done her best to not think of her pregnancy. And she'd been doing a great job of it, until Chakwas' check up. Every damned time she tried to picture how it would look, she didn't see herself or Kaidan. Instead, she ended seeing Wilson or Miranda. Once, she imagined it looking like the Illusive Man. There were days that it was hard to remember why she kept it. And then there were the days that all she could think of was that her relationship with Kaidan hadn't been in vain. That she was alive and maybe that wasn't so bad. Because she hadn't lost everything. She still had something, someone, worth fighting the Reapers for.
Kaidan's proposal was just another thing to think about. They had loved each other, or at least they had believed they were in love and she'd been happy. She didn't regret it and, truth be told, she would do it all over again. But, playing the 'what if' game wouldn't change a thing anyway. She didn't love him anymore. Horizon made sure of that.
And what was she going to do after she destroyed the Collectors? Shepard had the sinking suspicion that Chakwas' idea of her staying on a planet until the baby was at least a year old was going to be followed. Terror, the likes she hadn't felt since she was a teenager, engulfed her. She had never stayed on a planet for more than a week, unless a mission called for it, ever since Mindoir.
Shepard could remember the batarian attack clearly. She didn't have fuzzy recollections of her parents, her big brother and her baby sister. No, she had vivid recollections of their deaths. Space made the nightmares and memories go away, but being on a planet always brought them back. Like a warning of what might happen at any given time. Not even death changed her fears. Maybe she should've stayed dead…
Shepard closed her eyes. She hated to admit it, but she needed help. There were too many things happening and she knew she wasn't coping well. Maybe it was time to bite the bullet and talk to Kelly. She couldn't lead anyone against the Collectors and the Reapers in her state of mind. Shepard would look for someone else if she started spewing Cerberus' propaganda on her.
Damn, but she hated asking for help.
