Disclaimer: I don't own One Tree Hill or any of its characters
DAY 4
I feel horrible. Fucking diarrhea has kept me in the toilet most of the night and I went to bed just three hours ago, although I haven't been able to sleep. I have a terrible stomach ache and I feel sick all the time. I'm supposed to join a group for a therapy session in half an hour and, even though I'm not sure I really want to go, I don't want to disappoint Erik after what he told me about Bob and Rick.
I get off the bed and I have a freezing shower. I don't think that getting a cold is going to do me any good, but at least cool water will wake me up totally. The coldness makes me shiver, but it makes me feel much better. I dress up and I make an attempt at a pretty hairdo.
I look at my reflection in the mirror. I realise in surprise that it's important for me to look good. Not attractive or anything like that, just healthy and strong. I don't want to show how destroyed I feel inside, like the other patients I've been meeting in the corridors.
I know this is a terrible thought, but somehow, I just feel I'm better than them. I'm a former cheerleader form Tree Hill who has been brought up by loving parents, has been friends with the most popular girls and has dated the hottest guys. I had everything, and I threw it all away. I was such a coward and such a fool. Oh, well, I guess I'm not better than the other patients after all. But still, I don't want to have their devastated appearance. With one last look at my reflection I head for the meeting room.
When I arrive in the room, there are only two more people, a man and a woman, and five empty chairs. The woman ignores me, as if I was some kind of breeze that had entered the room through the open window, but the man gives me a shy smile and seems eager to start a conversation. Before any of us can say a thing, four more people enter the room and a woman asks all of us to take a seat.
-Morning, guys!-she says with a light smile while she sits. Then, she looks at me-I see a new face today. Would you like to start by introducing yourself?
I'm about to say that she already knows who I am because she has a list of names in a paper and mine is one of them, and I'm sure she has read my profile as well, just like Nosey Rosey. But I told Erik I wouldn't be that mean anymore, so I start to speak.
-I'm Peyton-I say, and I hope I won't hear those mechanic voices saying "Hello Peyton" because I don't think I can stand it. But none says anything. I guess they are waiting for me to continue, so there I go -It's my fourth day here. I have only attended one meeting before, with a guy called Richard…
-Raymond-corrects me the woman, but there's nothing severe in her tone.-I'm Nia, by the way.
-Yeah, sorry, Raymond. But I must confess I left before the end- I add, really embarrassed about that.
-Why?-the woman asks, tilting her head slightly.
-I… I don't know-I say, a bit confused-I felt really unease there. I guess I wasn't ready to share anything with those guys.
-And now? Are you ready now?-she asks again, giving me an encouraging nod.
I consider her question for a while. I know the answer is a huge "no", but I don't want people here to think they are wasting their time with me. I'll have to face the fact sooner or later anyway. I take a deep breath before replying.
-Yes, I am ready-I say, and the lie tastes like poison in my tongue.
-Ok, then. You've already taken some steps in the right direction, then. Now, it would be great if you told us what led you here, Peyton.
So I start telling them my story, only I don't feel it like my story, but somebody else's. I speak about it like a robot, absolutely emotionless. I omit any comment on how I felt about this or that. I feel like a spectator of my own life. I wonder why it doesn't hurt that much to speak about it.
I feel somehow disconnected from the person I was. I am a new Peyton now. I don't know if this is good or bad -probably bad, because the new Peyton's life sucks.
DAY 15
I've been here for two weeks and I feel that I'm making progress. I feel slightly better physically. Vomits, diarrhea, cramps and different aches make it difficult for me to lead a normal life and I've missed a couple of meetings. Thankfully, the staff here know what they are doing, and medicines are also a great help.
Emotionally…. Well, I still feel like riding a rollercoaster all the time. Sometimes I feel euphoric, I feel positive and optimistic and strong. Other times I just want to lock myself up in my room and cry and yell at the world to leave me the fuck alone.
I'm starting to become very fond of people here. I feel Erik, Agnes, Nia and even Rosey are starting to feel like friends to me. That is a very pleasant feeling, but at the same times, it scares me. It's been a long time since I felt there were people who were really important to me. People I can trust. But I'm not sure if they can trust me. I don't know if I can live up to their expectations. If I'm worth their time and their effort.
I just hope that they never regret having decided to help me
DAY 32
My physical condition has improved a lot, and I also feel that my head is finally starting to work normally again. For the first time in a long time, I feel I have control over my own life, over the things I want to do. And I know it's time to make some choices. It's time to face my past and all I left behind…
I've asked Erik about it, and he has told me that there is not a protocol to tell me what I have to do or when. He thinks it's a good idea but considers that I only should do it if I'm ready. In the end, he says, the decision is mine to make.
So here I am now, dialing a number I'm surprised I still can remember after all the shit I've got into my brain, and twirling the phone cable nervously.
The sound of a familiar voice that announces he's not home and asks to leave messages fills my eyes with tears, but I know I have to do this. I need to…
-Dad...- I start, and I choke on my own words. –It's me, Peyton. I… I'm so, so, so sorry, dad. I'm sorry… I just wanted to tell you that I'm fine and I'm working very hard to be able to go back home… I… I love you… I wanted to tell you so badly but I'm scared… I'm such a coward that I'm calling you right now because I know you probably are at work right at the moment and it's easier to talk to a machine… I hope you can forgive me and be proud of me again… I love you… I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sor…- the beeping sound signaling that the recording has stopped interrupts me, but it's not as if I can say anything else. I only can cry like a baby.
