Ch. 12 If I Can't Have You

I feel like the worst person in the world right now. I am sitting on the end of the pew and as the sermon goes on I feel like I am fading away. I used to be this kind of girl and now I have completely changed. The old me would never have allowed to fall so madly for a guy. The old me wouldn't have gone out with a guy knowing it was all wrong. The old me would never have had an excuse to feel this way. But since Rick, everything has changed and I don't think it was for the better.

I hear about sinning and I feel like I have a big neon sign over my head that reads sinner. Even though no one is looking at me, I still feel like everyone's eyes are on me. I look around the church and spot Lanie and the girls all huddled together in a pew. The boys are with them and I wonder what makes them go to church if their parents don't attend. But I am to not judge so I bite my lip and pray that this hollow feeling will go away.

I get nudged in my side and turn to catch Alexis playing with the hem of my white and brown, polka dot, dress. She smiles at me and her little blue flowered, dress matches her bright and shiny eyes. I want so much to have that child innocence but I am too grown up to make such childish decisions. I figure everything out by the look in Alexis's eyes. I am going to forget the feelings that I have for Rick and just ignore him as much as possible. I am going to confront Chance and give him a second chance, if Martha and Jackson let me. I am going to explore whatever feelings that I have or might have for him. I want all these things and more but why?

Alexis tries to stifle her yawn but she gives up and wipes her tired eyes. Martha catches my eye and just nods her head. I feel so cheap when she does that. I regret going with Chance because the last thing that I want to do is hurt Martha in any way. I just lean my head down until my pocket vibrates. I know it's disrespectful to even look at anything else during service but my curiosity takes over. I carefully slide it out and see a text from Lanie.

Smile. J Screw anybody else right now, just be happy.

I look over at her and her smile warms me, and I can't help but smile back at her. Before I know it, the service is over. I head straight to the doors and try to get out of there as fast as I can. I lean up against the brick and try to calm my breathing. All I want to do at the moment is to just disappear. I feel horrible for this morning and I feel horrible for trusting a guy. I can't sort anything out when my mind is this foggy.

"Uh, want to explain?" Lanie, Jenny, and Madison crowd around me and my mouth goes dry.

"Since when did you become a drug head?" Jenny is more angry than I would expect she could get and I only feel worse.

"How did you know?" The fear intensifies and I can't stand up.

"Rumors, but why?"

"I didn't smoke voluntarily, I was drugged. And what do you mean rumors? Has Chance been talking about our date?" I whip out my phone, ready to angrily text him when Lanie pushes it down.

"Wasn't him. It's Gina."

My heart looses another piece because the only way that Gina knows is because Rick must have told her. I feel like nothing is private anymore and I want to curl up and freeze. I have nothing else to say so I do what I do best, I run. I run till I can't anymore. I forget about Martha, Jackson, Alexis, and the girls waiting for me at church. I can't think about how anyone else might be feeling, I have to escape. I don't stop until I am unable to continue. I hail a cab and take it straight to Central Park.

I walk around and try to not cry but it happens anyway. Rick only thinks and cares about himself. He doesn't care that by telling Gina he told the whole school. I don't know how I am going to face anyone tomorrow let alone Rick when I head back home. I let the tears fall and run my fingers along the leaves on the trees.

My phone rings and it's Lanie. I press ignore and ignore it once more when Jenny calls. Madison calls but I ignore that as well. Then Rick is calling me. The nerve of him to call me after what he did. I want to throw my phone so I don't have to see his name nor face. Martha calls and part of me wants to answer but the other part, is in no mood to deal with what she has to say.

I decided long ago that I am no one's charity case and I push ignore to her and slide the phone back into my pocket. I kick the stones along the walkway and almost run into a bench. I don't even know what to do at the moment but I just need to keep going. I don't know what to think or know how to feel.

It's like I lost who I was. I was this bright eyed girl and ever since my parents died, I forgot how to be me. They would make me laugh and tell me that I was the best person in the whole world. My dad would spin me around and we'd dance together to old records. My favorite was when we danced to "Raining In My Heart" by Buddy Holly. I stepped on his toes and he held me and we sang the song together. Now, I don't have anyone to sing or dance with.

My mom and I would bake cookies and make up stories along the way to wherever we'd be going. She would tickle me until I started to cough and those were the things that made them my best friends. My mom would curl her hair and I would sit on the counter and watch her. She would make up her own songs and we made it a game.

I look just like both of them but my mom told me that I had my dad's fiery spirit and I had her love of everything. They were happy people and I was a happy person then. Now, I am all confused and lost. I want to be that girl again but I can't go back and undo it all. I have prayed that I would one day wake up and they would be alive again and all of it was just a horrific nightmare. I am not lucky enough. I want to be the young woman that my parents always imagined I would be but who is that girl? Can I live up to their unknown expectations? I want to go home, I want to sort things out, and not feel so disconnected from myself.

My phone rings once more but this time I answer. "Hi Martha."

"If this is your idea of how to react to things we have to talk."

"I know…. . ." I feel horrible but can't express as much.

"I am not finished. Kate, you have no idea the stress and worry that I go through when you run. I don't want anything happening to you. I worry so much about you that it is too much to understand. I get that it is easier to run and that's all you know but whatever is bothering you this much, honey, we can talk about it."

My tears leak out of my eyes and I don't fight them. No one besides my parents, has ever cared about me in that way. She treats me like her daughter and I am so grateful to her that I know she is right. I want to work things out instead of running but it will take time. I know that she is willing to put in the time.

"You're right, it's just, I can't. . ." I can't continue to speak so I stop. But she understands.

"Turn around."

And I do what she says and when I do, she is standing there, right before me. "How did you know where I was?"

"When you ran away the last time, you said that you ended up here. I took the chance and I am glad that I did." She comes and sits right next to me. She doesn't talk to me right away but just sits there. I watch her admire the beauty that nature has to offer and I don't care about how I feel, I only want to not let her down.

"You know when I had Alexis, my heart was overjoyed. She reminded me of the happiness that can be felt and I was so worried that I might let her down one day. I still worry about that. A parent worries about every little thing that their child does. I wanted more kids but after I had Alexis, I couldn't carry a child for a full term. Surrogacy never really appeared to me and adoption was my only choice. I didn't want a child after I lost two others, I wanted a teenager that Alexis might be able to look up to. When I heard about you, I ignored any warning that they gave me, I felt something. When I met you, I knew that all along that, that you were everything I wanted. Things happen like that for a reason Kate."

She brings tears to my eyes and I don't know the right things to say to sum up how I feel at the moment so I just hug her. I cry into her arms and I don't feel weird about it. I know that whatever I do, I have to consider how Martha and Jackson might feel. She wipes the tears from my eyes and she just smiles at me.

"You are so beautiful Kate, inside and out." She kisses my head and I smile back. It was so easy to be angry at everyone and I am finding it harder to care about someone. About someone that one day, I might lose. But I can't let her go on thinking that all I do is run.

"I was scared that with everything that I've done that I might lose you. Instead of talking and letting it out, I choose to run from things. It's easier, always has been. But Martha, Gina started this nasty rumor that I'll admit, has a grain of truth but still. How am I going to face them tomorrow?" I don't say that I don't want to face Rick, after all he is her son.

"Kate, since I have met you, I have gathered that you are a fighter. Are you going to tell me you aren't?" I shake my head no and she smiles. "That's what I thought. Now do not allow them, anyone to get to you. Show me the strength that I know you have." She pulls me into a hug and we walk out of the park together.

What I didn't expect was to see everyone waiting for me by an open taxi. Alexis ran right up and into my arms. Rick stood with his arm drooped over Gina. The sight made my heart shake but I refuse to let them get me down. I have Chance and as much as I don't feel for him, I force myself to think the opposite. Sure he is a nice guy and all but what guy drugs someone? What guy makes me want to undo everything I knew about him? What guy isn't Rick? The last question stuns me as I am supposed to be moving on from him.

"Glad you are ok Kate." Gina spits her words at me but all I can see is how Rick looks at her. Her eyes travel to my wrist and I swear she smiles. I don't know what she wanted to accomplish by setting a knife by my bed. It makes no sense and yet in her mind, it's probably all part of her master plan.

Martha wraps her arm around my shoulders and leads me into the cab first and I am happily sitting next to her instead of the "happy couple".

"I agree babe." Gina kisses Rick on the neck and I try to not look in the mirror but I have to see it, I have to feed my sick curiosity. She nestles into him and my breathing picks up and I start to panic. I want more than anything to be the one nestled up to him but he chose Gina. Worse than that, he played me only to pick her instead of me.

They are whispering and laughing and I feel that it's all about me. He never even offered to apologize to me about telling Gina my personal business. And school tomorrow will be hell, as all the kids look at me like I am a burnout. I don't want to allow them to get to me but what I am supposed to do.

My phone beeps and I pull up the message:

Hey babe. You on for a date later? I am sorry about the dessert mix-up thing. But you have to know that I love you. 3

I don't know how to take that I love you he dropped on me considering we only had one date and during that date, I was drugged by him. I should have trusted Ann when she said that he wasn't boyfriend material. But now I am in too deep. Well I am only in because Rick is distracting me too much. I need a distraction from him but what? I don't think I should continue to play Chance but maybe he is what I need to show Rick that I am desirable. Maybe he will be mine after he realizes Chance and I are the real deal. Maybe, just maybe.

But would my parents be proud of someone who plays with another? I know they wouldn't. So I do the next best thing, I show Martha. Her eyes go big and her jaw is set tight.

"Can I talk to him about it?"

"I hate to tell you what to do about your love life but Kate, this boy is bad news. I hope that you'll end it. After all, you are too good and too sweet for someone like him." She pulls me close to her and I just smile.

I am not unhappy about ending things with Chance, I can't do what Rick did to me. I can't play with his heart. I want to make my parents proud and I want to make Martha and Jackson proud. I want to be the girl that I really am. So I do what I want to do, I decide to end things with Chance. And if he hates me, oh well. If Rick doesn't want me, oh well. I will find the strength to move on.

"Listen, I don't feel the same way you do about me. I don't want to string you along just to feel nothing. I'm sorry." I lean my head down after my confession but I can see Chance just looking at me.

"Was it because of the love text? Just tell me what I did wrong?" My heart gets tugged on and I lay it out.

"I feel for someone else and I can't be with you when I feel like this. I would love to feel something, anything for you besides attraction but I don't. I hate doing this to you when I can see that you really care about me but it is the right thing." I try to comfort him but I haven't done this before.

"I understand. I respect you for telling me. You are different Kate Beckett. You are honest and kind. Most girls would have just used me but not you. Thank you."

I wasn't expecting that but I find the words, "you're welcome."

"Can I just kiss you one last time?"

"Yes." I lean towards him and he gives me everything in our last kiss. I pull him closer and when we part I smile. He tucks my hair behind my ear and smiles back at me.

"I will see you tomorrow at school." He leaves and I remain sitting on the front stoop.

I don't expect to cry but that's what I find myself doing. I didn't feel for him but that doesn't mean that I don't care about his feelings. I don't mourn the relationship, I mourn the fact that now I have no one. No guy to wrap his arm around me and comfort me. I don't go in the house even when Martha comes out and tells me that lunch is ready. I ignore my surroundings and I get the urge to run. But once I reach the sidewalk, I stop myself. I wipe away my tears and make my way into the house.

"Lunch is over but I saved you a plate." Martha sets it on the table and I don't see Rick anywhere which is a good thing. "Gina isn't here. She left but she took the back way out. I wanted to give you and Chance some alone time. Are you ok honey?" She comes by me and I kick my shoes off and follow her to the couch.

"I am not upset for ending the relationship, I'm upset about the fact that I am alone now."

Her warm arm slides across my shoulder and she leans her head against mine. "You will never be alone."

It was something I needed, I needed Chance to help get myself back. By not hurting him, I proved to myself that the girl that I was, still lived inside me. I know that seeing Rick with Gina and not being able to shove it in his face sucks but if he is truly in love with her, let him be that foolish. Let his heart be stomped on. Let him lose himself.

"I think I'll take that food now." While I chew and swallow my food, I give myself some time to think things over. School is going to suck tomorrow but maybe people forgot about it already. If I am lucky, they will. But what helps is when Alexis comes up and gives me a hug and kiss and tells me how much she loves me.

"Kate? Do you have homework to finish?"

"Nope. All done." I go to my empty room and sit down on my balcony. I let my legs dangle over the edge and I breathe in the crisp spring air. My dress blows up a bit but I don't care. What gets me is when Rick comes and sits right next to me. I don't look at him nor acknowledge his presence.

"I'm sorry that you and Chance are over. Did he take it rough?" I don't answer him and still look away. "Did I do something?" That strikes a cord in me and I give him a stern look.

"Seriously? You did everything! You were the only reason I was dating Chance, I needed to move on from you." Once the words slip out, I feel stupid. My cheeks go red and I start to shiver.

"That's not fair Kate. You know that I am with Gina."

"But why are you with her?" I give him a smirk and his cheeks go red and it's his turn to look away. "Did I hit something?"

"Gina is a sweet person and at first, I only dated her because of you but I've got to know her and she is good to me." It looks as if even he doesn't believe himself.

"Sure, a sweet and sane person would leave a knife by my bed in hopes that I would cut myself. A sweet person would go out of her way to upset me. You are so blind that you don't see anything! You don't see that she doesn't care about your family as much as she says she does. You don't see anything that is going on! You don't even see that you should be with someone who truly loves you! You don't see that you should be with me!"

"You are lying! You're just jealous of her! You're jealous that my relationship isn't built on lies. Get over yourself Kate. Stop being so damn pathetic!"

He went from pretty much confessing that he did like me, that I was the reason he started dating Gina but he takes it all back. And worst he throws that word at me. I react without giving much thought. I slap him across his face. It makes a loud noise but I don't care.

"How dare you say that I am pathetic. I am no such thing." I leave my balcony and run to the living room. Martha is watching Days of Our Lives and I join her. I cuddle up to her and try to erase the redness that's on my face and I try to get my breathing down.

"This is new." She rubs my head and kisses the top. "Want me to catch you up?" I nod but when she goes through it all, all I can think is that if I can't have Rick, then I don't want anyone. I don't know why I still want him after all he has done to me or how he has hurt me but I do.

It is kind of sick that I would rather have him be nasty to me than to not do anything to me. I would rather feel this pain than to not know him at all. I don't want to forget that day he rushed into my room and how he was about to kiss me. I want to remember how it felt to have his arms around me. How his breath was falling into mine. But I know I have to let all that go. I can't get rid of my feelings that would never happen but I can forget about my happily ever after.

How I wish life could be like a fairytale but it isn't. People rip things out of your hand before you realized that it was there. It is a cruel joke but that's why it is called disappointment. I gave him my heart and he threw it away like it was trash. If I can't have him, I don't want anyone.