~* Reasons to Live For *~
Chapter 11 – Failing, Falling
Coruscant seemed foreign to Kal now. It wasn't home and it never would be, but he felt a sort of connection to the planet that wasn't all positive. Too many bad things had happened here.
The mood in the Aay'han on the way back wasn't exactly subdued, but Kal could tell that the Nulls wanted to be with their brother at this critical stage of his healing rather than out on the field of war. Mereel kept checking his comm for missed calls that could have been updates on Ordo's health, but they all knew that if something had happened it would have been Kal who would have received the call, and there was no way they were missing anything. For all they knew, the residents of Kyrimorut were still asleep.
Kal had noticed Jaing's distant demeanour since they'd left the hospital, and had wondered if he should go and talk to him about it. He knew it was leaving that nurse that had unsettled him and Kal wanted his son to be happy. But, if he was honest with himself, he knew next to nothing about the workings of a successful relationship, and had noticed Mereel taking the situation into hand, as he did with everything now that Ordo couldn't be the Alpha-male. Kal felt a pang of regret for not looking out for his sons. But then, they seemed to be looking out for each other just as much as he looked out for them. And since Mereel's 'talk' with Jaing, he seemed a lot more like his old self. An old man like himself wasn't needed to sort everything out.
Kal set the Aay'han down by Laseema's, and he and the Nulls took shuttles to HQ. He chuckled to himself as they boarded; the open stares and slack jaws of shock that followed them at the sight of five fully armoured ARC troopers and their sergeant were quite amusing. He'd already tried this trick before, with Ordo, but couldn't resist giving the civvies another shock.
"Take off your buckets, ad'ike."
There was a collective hiss as the Nulls popped the seals on their helmets and took them off, clipping them to their belts. Kal watched as most of the civilians around did double takes, their eyes widening in blatant shock and eyebrows shooting into their hairlines.
"They're not even remotely droid-like!"
"Their faces – look at their faces, they're the same!"
"They're so young, wait until I tell my colleagues-"
"Guess the holonews was wrong about this war…"
Kal smiled at one woman who seemed incapable of words, her lips moving silently and her face a mask of frozen astonishment. She met his eyes, and he gestured to the nearest Null, A'den.
"May I introduce you?"
His sons had been trained to be gentlemen as much as killers, and A'den obligingly held out his hand for shaking, a polite smile on his face. The woman shook it, blinking a few times. "A pleasure."
Kal noticed Mereel was joking around with a green Twi'lek, who was flicking her lekku over her shoulder and batting her large eyes at him. Kal couldn't withhold a grin. That boy was unstoppable. And why should he hold back? His sons didn't have full life spans. Not yet. So they should be living it the way they wanted to, not cramped up in barracks all day, only to be brought out when they were needed. The life span, he was working on.
He noticed that some people got used to the sight of similar faces faster than others. The pretty Twi'lek seemed totally unperturbed by the sight, but then she probably had eyes for Mereel and Mereel only. The woman who had been introduced to A'den had sank into a vacant seat, her eyes distant as she looked out of the window at the passing skyscrapers and civilians. Kal hoped he'd given her a lot to think about. He hoped they'd all think a lot harder now.
The shuttle stopped a block or so away from HQ, and Kal and the Nulls disembarked, leaving a few shell-shocked passengers and a disappointed Twi'lek behind them. Prudii nudged Kal.
"You made your point now, buir?"
"Sorry, son. Didn't mean to use you." Kal patted him on the shoulder and Prudii grinned, before replacing his helmet like his brothers. Kal knew that they relied on their helmets for far more than just head protection, though he could understand the feeling of nakedness that came from being without all or part of your armour. Its weight was a comforting presence, like a protective shell that was all you would ever need. It was familiar and safe.
The meeting with Zey passed Kal by without him really taking in what he was saying. His mind was far away, wondering what was going on with Ordo and how much progress Bard'ika was making. His heart ached to see Ordo open his eyes, even if he couldn't walk or talk or move, his open eyes would bring so much relief. Everything after that they could deal with.
As they made their way across the parade ground, Mereel patted Kal on the shoulder. "If all goes to plan, I should be able to pop by Kyrimorut in a couple of weeks or so."
Kom'rk made an exasperated noise. "Huh. Lucky. Jaing and I are going back to Utapau to watch Grievous come and go as he pleases. We'll be lucky if we can get a day off once this year."
Prudii clapped Jaing on the shoulder. "You know, ner vode, you could just tell Zey that Grievous is there. Then maybe he could send you somewhere else. Or even better – end this shabla war."
"Ah, but where's the fun in that?"
"You enjoy being shot at every day?"
"Hiding in a bush watching his shiny shebs isn't being shot at."
Mereel laughed. "The safe way out of a war." Kal gave Mereel a raised-eyebrow look in which he tried to convey that's not funny, but ended up being something more like don't tease your brother. He couldn't blame them for saying what he was thinking.
"So I can take it Mereel will be a regular visitor. What about you two?" Kal nudged Prudii and A'den.
"I've got some more droid factory sabotaging to do," Prudii pulled out his datapad and started tapping in some data, "But I can always drop in between ops."
"Ah, Prudii's patented droid remover. Where would we be without it?" Mereel dodged a punch from his brother, laughing.
"Dead."
"Okay, okay you two, break it up." A'den stepped between them and grinned. "Hopefully, buir, I'll be able to drop by often enough. Just make sure you keep us all posted by comms."
Jaing nodded. "Yeah, don't let us come back to a frighteningly fit Ordo and his new born child without telling us. We won't be too happy."
Mereel seemed to ponder this. "That would be a shock."
Kal laughed and ruffled Jaing's hair. "Don't worry ad'ike. I'll tell you everything that happens, when it happens. He's your brother, after all."
They made their way to the hangar silently, and once they arrived Kal felt suddenly very sad. His sons were all leaving him. Prudii, Jaing, Kom'rk and A'den took turns embracing him and each other with the clack of armour, and said their goodbyes, promising to be around as much as they could. Kal's heart felt heavy. He always missed them when they went away.
Eventually he was left standing by Mereel, who had waited until last before leaving. Mereel turned to him and put his hand on his shoulder. "Keep me posted, buir. And look after Besany. I worry about her, in this state."
Kal took Mereel's hand in his. "Me too, Mer'ika. And I will. I promise."
"Good," Mereel touched Kal's face, "K'oyacyi, buir."
"K'oyacyi, Mer'ika. Stay alive, son."
"Will do." Mereel kissed Kal on the head before smiling at him and heading off to find his ship. Kal watched him walk away and waited until he was out of sight before making his way slowly back to the shuttle stop. He'd visit Laseema and Kad while he was here, and make sure they were okay, and then head back to Mandalore.
His son needed him.
The darkness was being disturbed.
It was like a hand had plunged into a smooth dark pool, tearing at the surface and spreading tumultuous ripples across the sleek blackness. Light, searing, bright light, was pouring in through the holes like the surface had been made of black velvet, now ripped and tattered and disintegrating as the brightness enveloped everything.
He felt it again. The tentative push, the helping hands that were not entirely there, that seemed to be feeling around inside him for something.
Then they pulled.
He didn't like this. He felt unstable and unbalanced, like he was going to slip and fall into the murky blackness again, unaware and useless. But still the hands lifted. He felt as though he was being smothered by a heavy blanket that pushed against him as the hands lifted, and the light got brighter, like he wasn't near it so much as in it.
If he had been able to move his arms, he would have reached out to stop this.
If he had been able to move at all, he would have got up and walked away from all this.
He couldn't breathe.
The hands were slipping.
They left him.
The light was gone.
And the nothingness swallowed him whole again.
Besany pressed Ordo's hand to her forehead and stifled a yawn.
She had awoken early when Mereel and Kal had popped in to say goodbye to her and Ordo, and once her eyes were open she knew she couldn't go back to sleep. They were going to try today. Ordo might even wake up.
Okay. So maybe she was pushing things a little. But Jusik had been sitting by Ordo's side with his eyes closed and one hand on Ordo's head for five hours. Besany wondered if that man ever took a break. She remembered his determination with healing Fi, and how much he'd done simply in two or three sessions. Part of her, a very large part, was eager for him to sit all day and all night, exhausting himself in order to heal Ordo. But the human part of her, the sensible part, wanted Jusik to rest and take breaks and make sure he was okay. She didn't want to lose one friend in order to save another.
Needing to stretch her legs, Besany kissed Ordo's hand and crept out quietly, deciding to head outside and walk around in the fresh air for a while, to clear her head. She grabbed a coat and her boots, and walked out into the snow. For a moment she just stood and watched her breath mist in front of her, taking in the snow-covered landscape for the first time properly. Mereel had been right. It was beautiful, once you got used to it.
Somewhere in the distance, a blaster shot rang out. Besany jumped. Looking around, she couldn't see anyone nearby – was someone hurt? Had there been fighting? Without thinking, Besany jogged off in the direction the shot had come from, her heart pounding.
She came out from between a thicket of trees to see the distinctive scarlet armour that she knew Parja wore standing out like a beacon in the white surroundings. Fi was standing next to her brandishing a rifle, and sighting it up for what was obviously the next shot at the pile of haystacks that had been cleared of snow. Besany stood back and watched, unnoticed, as Parja stood back a step and Fi sighted up, his chest rising and falling as he took a deep breath to steady himself. He let all his breath out in one puff of mist, and then he pulled the trigger.
The blast rang out on the clearing, and a haystack started smoking from a blackened hole on the left of it. Fi sighed and relaxed his posture, standing the rifle by his side and turning to face Parja, smoke rising from the barrel. Parja took her helmet off and shook out her long braid. She touched Fi's arm and her lips moved, but Besany was too far away to hear what they were saying to one another. Fi threw his hands up in exasperation and dropped the rifle, turning around with a hand over his face. He looked up and spotted Besany lurking in the trees.
"Bes'ika!" He waved at her, and Parja behind him made a come over here gesture, smiling. Besany stepped out cautiously and went to join them. "How's it going, Fi?"
Fi grimaced and Parja hit him on the shoulder. "He's doing great," she said, raising an eyebrow at him and pursing her lips. Fi ignored her and ran his hands through his hair frustratedly.
"I'm not doing great, I'm horrendous. I wasn't even this bad in basic training."
"You hit the dead centre the first time."
"But not the second time. Sniping is all about accuracy over and over again. I'd be dead now if I'd missed the first time." Fi looked away, a despairing look in his eyes. Parja bit her lip and sighed, looking at Besany.
"You just need to practice. It's been a while. You'll get it back," Besany tried. Fi gave her a wan smile.
"Thanks, Bez. But if I'm not…"
"If you're not all there, you can't be as good ever again," Parja finished for him, giving him a gentle shove, "We know. You constantly remind me of this every time I try to help you."
Fi turned to face her and sighed. "I do?"
Parja nodded and poked him gently, smiling. "Watch out, or I'll start to think you're ungrateful for all the hard work I've put into making you get better."
"I am," Fi put his arm around her and kissed her on the top of her head, "Very grateful. Sorry," he murmured. Parja giggled and blushed slightly, catching Besany's eye.
"It's okay. I know you are. Somewhere deep, deep down…very deep…" she laughed and ducked as Fi reached down and scooped up a handful of snow, throwing it at Parja's head. Parja scooped up her own snowball and aimed at Fi, but he side-stepped to avoid it, grinning. Besany saw him reach down for another one, so decided to stop him by hastily gathering some snow in her hand and throwing it at him. Caught off guard, the snowball hit Fi in the face and he blinked, stumbling. Besany put her hands over her mouth in shock, but couldn't suppress a laugh. Parja was doubled up in hysterics.
Fi got up and Parja handed him the rifle again, wiping tears from her eyes. "Have another go, cyar'ika. We know you can do it."
Fi gave her a grin and sighted up again, aiming at the blackened hole in the middle of one of the haystacks that he had obviously made when Besany had heard the first shot. Again, Fi took a deep breath, held it, and fired.
The shot wasn't dead centre like the first one, but it was close. The charred mark was a few centimetres to the right of the centre, making the first mark look wider. Fi raised an eyebrow and bit his lip but after a look from Parja he didn't say anything. Besany was frankly impressed. She was sure she couldn't shoot as accurately as that.
Parja nudged Besany. "We should start teaching you how to shoot. Now you're here, you'll need to start…adjusting to our way of life." She smiled, and Besany swallowed.
"Does your 'way of life' have to include guns?" Besany eyed the large rifle with apprehension. It looked heavy.
Parja laughed. "We'd start you with something a lot smaller, of course. Here," Parja drew a sidearm from her holster and handed it to Besany, "Have a go."
Besany knew how to hold a gun, vaguely. She wasn't exactly a stranger to shooting, but she'd never actually had to pull the trigger before. She checked the charge, put her left hand in a steadying position, and aimed at a haystack that Fi hadn't touched yet.
"Is this okay?"
Fi moved behind her. "May I?" he asked. Besany realised he was asking permission to move her, to touch her. She nodded. Fi put his arms around hers and dropped his head slightly so that his eye level was in line with hers. His breath was warm by her ear. She shivered. She knew it was wrong to think like this, but Fi's touch made her miss Ordo even more than she had done in the past month. She tried not to think about that right now. It was inappropriate by far.
Fi moved her arms upwards slightly and then stepped back. "Never aim too low. There, you can try now."
Taking a deep breath, Besany pulled the trigger.
Dinner was quiet without the Nulls, and Fi could tell that there was something on Jusik's mind. Not only did he look pale and tired, as he should, having spent the whole day at Ordo's bedside, but he had that frown on his face that usually meant he felt he was letting someone down. Fi wasn't sure he wanted to know how the healing had gone. Kal'buir had decided that they wouldn't ask Jusik about it until after the meal.
Kal nudged Fi. "I hear you and Parja have been teaching Besany to shoot?"
"A little. I'm learning again myself, I guess," Fi smiled, "You're better off asking Parja how we did – I'm sure we both feel like her students." Kal laughed and Parja grinned, giving Fi a quick kiss.
"You did great, F'ika. You'll get better every day. Besany wasn't bad for a newbie either."
Besany grimaced. "If you say so. I wasn't exactly brilliant."
"You only missed the stacks that were further away. And everyone does at first. Long range is harder, the target's smaller." Fi gave Besany a wink. Well done, be proud. She blushed slightly, but smiled back.
Everyone was too tense with nerves about the news Jusik had about Ordo's healing, so no one ate much and dinner was over quite quickly. Jusik sat back and looked at Besany and Kal in turn. Mij was the first to speak.
"How's Ordo doing, Bard'ika? You get anywhere?"
Jusik sighed and rubbed his eyes. He had the air of feeling like he'd let everyone down about him, and sure enough his first words were, "I'm sorry I've let you down."
"You never do, Bard'ika. Never. Just trying is a start." Kal took his hand and squeezed it, and Jusik gave him an apologetic smile.
"I'm sorry. I just hate not having better news for you all." He looked at Besany, and Fi could tell that he was afraid of worrying her more and hurting her. Besany seemed to pick up on this too, and she gave Bardan a smile.
"Any news is good. At least we know where we stand."
Jusik nodded. "Okay then. This is what I've found, and Fi, if you don't mind, I'd like to use your healing as a comparison?" Fi nodded, and Jusik went on, "You see, when I first reached into Fi's mind, it was like…he was in pieces. Shattered. So bringing the pieces up out of the comatose state was easier, because he was sort of…lighter. He wasn't as conscious of what was happening and very easy to guide. Whereas Ordo…he's very much whole. It's like he's lying down. But when I go to lift him, he's heavy and cumbersome and it takes a lot of energy to get little done, and sometimes I feel him slipping back when I let go. Does that make sense?"
Kal nodded. "Pieces of rock are lighter than a whole boulder."
"Exactly. But see, because Ordo's whole in his mind, that means he's likely to come out of this as the same man he was when he fell in. Of course, he'll need a bit of exercise, but in terms of his brain functions I wouldn't be surprised if he has them all back within a day, if even that." Jusik gave Fi an apologetic smile, as if he was sorry that he couldn't say the same for him. Fi felt an unusual feeling of jealously towards Ordo rise in his chest, which he immediately tried to quash. It was wrong to act like that when Ordo had a real shot at making it out in better shape than he had. He should be happy.
"So," Besany said quietly, "All we can do now is…wait?"
Jusik nodded. "I'm sorry. This will be a harder task than it was with Fi. It may take another month, maybe two, before he's ready to open his eyes. I wish I could do more." He sighed, but Besany took his hand.
"All you can do is carry on. Don't strain yourself."
"I'll try. I'm sorry, Bes'ika. I want him back for you." Jusik's words seemed to touch Besany, and she gave his hand a hard squeeze before letting go and discreetly wiping her eyes. Fi wanted to give her a hug, but she had excused herself and headed out of the door before he could stand up. Kal'buir and Rav entered a conversation with Mij about something Fi couldn't hear, and Parja had him distracted anyway with her arms around him. He kissed her gently, and she relaxed into his touch.
"You think Besany's okay?" Fi asked. Parja rolled her eyes, but smiled.
"Are you okay, cyar'ika? I know you and Ordo were close…"
Fi swallowed. "I'm fine. I'll be better when he's finally awake though."
Parja gave him her narrow-eyed-are-you-sure face, but he just smiled at her. She relented, and gave him a deep kiss. "I know. We all will."
Fi let her wrap her arms around him, and he rested his head on hers, burying his nose in her hair and taking deep breaths. He liked feeling her body against him. It grounded him, reminded him of the bigger picture. It also reminded him how much he loved her and how grateful he was that she had never given up on him. He owed her so much, and had no idea how to repay it. She looked up at him.
"Want to get out of here?"
Fi nodded, and let her lead him through the corridors to their shared bedroom. He felt so many conflicting emotions that his insides felt numb; fear, jealousy, determination, hope, sadness, relief, love…he had trouble focusing on anything but Parja right now. She was his light. She led the way, she gave him guidance, and she illuminated him when he was in the darkest of places.
They would need to hold on for a long time.
But Fi knew they could do it, for Ordo.
"How long?" Mereel's voice was calm and level, which had a soothing effect on Besany.
"Another month, maybe two."
"Okay then. Okay. So we hang on. We just hang on." Besany heard Mereel exhale loudly and something creaked, giving the impression he was sinking into a chair. "Are you okay, Bez?"
"Fine." Actually she was a little light-headed and was fighting back hysterics, but she didn't want to worry Mereel. She wasn't his problem. "Are you?"
"I guess. At least we know what we're dealing with now."
"Mmm."
"How did everyone else take this?"
"There's nothing we can do, really. We're just glad that Jusik will keep trying." Besany felt a lump form in her throat, and suddenly she couldn't speak any more. The crushing disappointment after so much hope was almost unbearable. She cleared her throat. "I'm sorry. I must be keeping you. I'll let you know if anything else happens."
"Of course. Thanks, Bes'ika. I'll tell the vode. Talk to you again soon."
"Bye, Mereel."
The silence was swallowing. Besany put her head in her hands and refused to cry, though she felt like a sob was eating her up inside in a bid to escape. There was nothing really to be sad about, only that now they knew how long they had to wait and before they didn't. So why did two months seem like an eternity? Why did she feel as though someone had ripped her heart out of her chest and stamped on it? What was she going to do for another two whole months without Ordo?
The sob ripped out of her throat before she could stop it, and she clamped her hands over her mouth to stop the people inside from hearing. The night was cool and there were no clouds, so Besany could see the stars twinkling above her and reminding her painfully that life and time went on, regardless of whether you wanted it to or not. Shivering, Besany set off for a walk around the bastion to try and calm herself down.
She was wearing her house shoes, and not her boots, and the snow quickly soaked her feet and ankles through with icy water, but she carried on, her arms wrapped around herself, wanting to protect her baby from the cold. She'd seen a spot when they'd first arrived, a spot on top of the hill where a makeshift bench had been erected. The moon was bright and Besany wanted nothing more than to sit and stare up at it and just forget for a moment.
She sat down and took in the moonlit, white-covered surroundings, and felt completely alone. No one was around for miles and miles, and no one knew she was here. The landscape was desolate and sweeping, but Besany decided she didn't like the idea of being lost.
She didn't realise she was crying until she felt the tracks of hot tears on her cold face. She gave up trying to brush them away, and put her head in her hands and just cried. She felt like she needed to, to let it all out. Her whole body shuddered with cold, and her feet were nearly numb, but still she sat and cried and stared up at the moon and the stars and tried to remember the last time Ordo had comforted her.
She'd been coming home from work, with Mereel acting as her guard. They'd taken the back alleys, and someone had tried to attack them. In the ensuing fight, Mereel had – accidentally – sliced the man's hand off, and it had rolled close to Besany's hiding place – a doorway. The sight of it had disturbed her so much that by the time Ordo had got home, she was nearly in hysterics. Ordo's touch, his strong arms that made her feel safe, had calmed her down and she had fallen asleep in his arms that night. She missed his arms.
Someone was putting their arms around her. For one glorious moment, she thought it was Ordo, that they'd managed to wake him in the time she'd been gone and that he was finally awake, but the arms wrapping a blanket around her and stroking her back were not those of Ordo or even of a clone.
"Shhh, ad'ika," Kal sat down next to her and pulled her into a fatherly hug, "It'll all be okay. I know you miss him. I miss him too."
Instead of stopping her tears like she felt she should, Besany just cried on Kal's shoulder until she felt like she was completely out of tears. All the while he held her and stroked her hair the same way her own father had done many years ago. She couldn't imagine how Kal was feeling about all this. When she eventually looked up at him, he had tear tracks down his face, but he was smiling at her.
"Come on, ad'ika.You must be frozen to death."
Besany just nodded, and let Kal put his arm around her and lead her indoors. There was a fire lit in the bedroom, and Besany sank in front of it gratefully, and Kal sat by her side. She rested her head on his shoulder again.
"There's nothing I can say that I haven't said already. Just…" Kal looked at her, "Just that we're all going to be fine. One way or another."
"I hate feeling so helpless."
"Me too. I'm sure you do too, don't you Ord'ika?" Of course, he didn't answer, but Besany smiled. It was nice she wasn't the only one who was going crazy and talking to someone who maybe couldn't hear her.
"You should go to bed. Good for the baby. Good for you, too. Hey, just think – when Ordo wakes up in another two months time, he'll have the shock of a lifetime seeing your baby bump." Kal got up and stroked Ordo's hair, then planted a kiss on his son's forehead. Besany hadn't thought about it – but yes, he would have a shock. She didn't even think she was ready for it all.
"Goodnight, Bes'ika." Kal kissed her forehead too, and left her to lie next to Ordo again, pressing herself as close as she dared to his still form, and wishing that she could sleep through the next two months.
Just like he was.
He knew.
He knew what they were doing.
He knew they were trying to help him.
He wished he could help himself. He wished he could stop hindering everyone and let them bring him back.
But he had no control over himself any more.
All he could do was hope and pray and try.
Because he needed to come back.
He needed to come back.
…
Sorry it took so long! Been mega busy. Thanks for sticking with me! And thanks to hamoud for subscribing!
The fic I mention where Mereel accidentally removes a man's hand and Ordo has to comfort Besany is called 'Slapped By a Dead Man' and is written by the wonderful Epona's Chosen. Please check it out, and her other fics too: :)
h t t p : / / fanfiction .net /s/7882951/1/ Slapped_By_A_Dead_Man
Chapter 12 on the way!
~TheLightIsMine
