L is for Lullaby
Lullaby: any lulling song
Row row row your boat
Gently down the stream.
Merrily merrily merrily merrily
Life is but a dream.
They're always stuck in her head nowadays, these words. They've moved in and taken up residence. They're the music she dances to, the words that leave Simon's mouth when he talks to her. They're the words that make the walls solid and the engine spin.
First her mother and then Simon used to sing them to her when she was a little girl afraid of the dark. She's not afraid of the dark now. No, she's afraid of what lives in the dark.
She used to wonder what they meant, the words and the lullaby as a whole. Used to spend hours thinking, staring up at the ceiling and building worlds out of the cracks. But she's figured it out now, the secret. The words are like the code she sent Simon and now the pieces have all fallen into place and she knows.
Nothing matters anymore, not the words that tumble out of her mouth as she is unable to stop them, not the medicine that Simon gives her, not the wanted posters or the bounty or the two by two hands of blue.
Mal is shot, bleeding on the table as Simon works over him, stitching the wound up quickly and efficiently with his doctor hands. River watches with the rest of the crew, standing in the infirmary (she was so silly to be afraid of this place, she sees that now). She feels sorry for the rest of the crew, they can't see as clearly as she does. She laughs when Kaylee asks if Mal was going to die, and tells her it doesn't matter. (she gets a lot of funny looks and she wonders why)
Mal lives, and the ship seems to breathe a collective sigh of relief. But the Alliance notices them and they're off again, heading to the Rim. She and Simon are supposed to keep low and stay on the ship. River shrugs and wonders why Simon sighs.
Simon seems so upset these days and she can't understand why. Surely her brother, smart as he is, has figured it out? But no, he frets and fusses over Kaylee when she falls and breaks her leg coming down the stairs. River watches in confusion from her perch on the counter as he curses his lack of sophisticated anesthetics.
He's suffering, her brother, so she gives him a hint, pulls him aside and tells him the words. She smiles up at him as he frowns and tries to puzzle through them. When he shakes his head she frowns. Why can't he see what she does so clearly? Maybe every person needs to work it out for themselves?
But he's her brother and he's struggling, like he used to do on his homework all those years ago. She needs to help him, she decides. He deserves to be happy again, deserves to smile instead of watching Kaylee with anguish as she struggles to learn how to use crutches while her leg heals for that required eight weeks. (he thinks he should have been there to grab her, can't see that he would have just fallen too.)
She trips Jayne when he passes her in the kitchen and he falls and cuts his hand on the knife he's carrying. Simon yells at her but she tunes him out.
Silly brother, silly crew. They still can't see, blinded by their own minds. She sighs and rolls her eyes and tunes them out.
Merrily merrily merrily merrily
Life is but dream.
Life is but a dream.
