CHAPTER TWELVE – "You are everything to me."
"He should have called by now," Ziva mumbled, pacing back and forth in the kitchen, as Tony watched her across the bench. It had only been thirty minutes, but with the majority of that time having been spent in silence, it felt much longer.
"I shouldn't have just let him take Jamie," she said for the fourth time, and Tony remained silent. They had already established that, twenty-six minutes ago.
"I suppose he should have one weekend with Jamie, before…" she trailed off, and Tony's head snapped up to look at her. That wasn't the usual route this conversation took. Usually it ended with some sort of half-hearted consolation from Tony along the lines of 'everything will be okay' that didn't reassure either of them.
"One weekend before what?" He prompted, unable to contain his curiosity.
"I have to tell Daniel."
She spoke surely, as if she had made her decision.
"This isn't fair to either of you," she added softly, and he didn't know what to say in response. He didn't know what the consequences of that particular conversation would be, but he felt it was a step in the right direction. Unable to express the sentiment in words, he reached across the bench and held out his hand, palm up. She gave him a weary smile and took his hand.
. . . . .
When Daniel hadn't called well over an hour later, Ziva's sadness and mild concern had become significant worry, masquerading as anger. Anger that he was being spiteful, denying her the one thing he knew she couldn't leave without – her son.
Tony couldn't help but wonder if Daniel would take Jamie and run, but he was reluctant to voice his concerns. Ziva may have already had the same thought, and he didn't want to turn what she had considered to be an irrational fear to a very real possibility, by telling her that he had thought the same thing.
"Maybe I should call Daniel's mother, see if they've arrived yet," Ziva mused, and he could see her debating it in her mind. He knew that they didn't have the strongest relationship; in fact, Ziva had once described it as mutual hate, but the pain of having to call her was being diminished with every second that she didn't know where Jamie was.
She placed her hand on the phone as it began to ring, and Tony wanted to make a joke along the lines of 'maybe we should have tried that earlier,' but it died on his lips as he realised that this wasn't the time.
"Daniel?" She asked, as Tony watched her response. From the look on her face, it wasn't Daniel on the other end of the line.
The anger in Ziva's eyes faded to concern, as she breathed yes in response to a question he hadn't heard.
He watched all the colour drain from her face, knowing that something was wrong. She dropped the phone to the bench, her eyes darting around the kitchen erratically.
"Where are my car keys?" She asked, her voice calm, although her manner was anything but.
"I'll drive," Tony told her firmly. She was not driving in this state. Her driving was dangerous enough to begin with. "Ziva what's wrong?" He asked finally, as her mask fell, the look of utter fear apparent on her face. For a long time he had thought she wasn't afraid of anything.
"They were in a car accident…" Tears formed in her eyes as she murmured the words, and Tony just followed her out the door.
. . . . .
After arriving at the hospital, they were informed that both Daniel and Jamie had just gone into surgery, which only triggered Ziva's tears. He was sure she had probably shed more tears in the last twenty four hours than she had in her life, and he just hoped that there wouldn't be a need for any more after today. She spoke to the doctors, and Tony was amazed she could keep it together long enough to have a conversation with them, when she seemed unable to form words sitting beside him in the waiting room.
She lay with her head in his lap, her legs stretched out along a few chairs, tears falling silently down her face. He just stroked her hair, wondering how it was possible that yesterday he didn't have a son, and only a day later he could be taken away.
Tony had no idea how much time had passed, but it felt like an eternity before a doctor approached them. He could barely follow the doctor as he spoke; he seemed to dance around the information that they really wanted to know with medical explanations that seemed unimportant. When he finally told them that the surgery was successful, and that Jamie would be fine, Ziva began crying silent tears of relief.
The doctor told them that Jamie was lucky that he only broke his leg, despite the severity of the break, due to how bad the crash was. It was supposed to be reassuring, a reminder that things could have been a lot worse, but it only made Tony wonder just how badly Daniel had been injured.
"Your husband is still in surgery," the doctor added, and Ziva nodded, tears shining in her eyes.
"Can we see him?" Ziva asked, and the doctor motioned for them to follow him.
"I'll just wait out here," Tony told her softly, and she frowned, but continued down the corridor.
He sat back down in the waiting room, wondering why he was so afraid. Jamie was the one who had been through hell, and he was too afraid to see him, in hospital, without that smile on his face. He told himself that Ziva needed time to be alone with Jamie, but truthfully, he was just scared.
. . . . .
She was almost glad that Jamie was still unconscious from the surgery – he would need her to be happy and positive, and she wasn't there yet. She pulled the chair closer to his bedside, taking his hand and clasping it between her own.
"Jamie," she started, but the word barely escaped her throat, so she didn't continue.
His leg was elevated and bandaged, his hair was messy, and his face was pale; he barely looked like the lively and enthusiastic boy she knew.
An errant tear slid down her cheek and she wiped it away fiercely. She didn't know when it happened – when she stopped being able to do this all alone.
She found Tony sitting where she last saw him in the waiting room, leaning back in the chair, relief and exhaustion clear on his face. She had no idea what the time was, but it felt as if they had been there, waiting, all day.
"How is he?" Tony asked, as she approached him. He had tears in his eyes that he seemed intent on ignoring, so she didn't mention them either.
She held out her hand in response to the question, leading him to the small room Jamie was in.
"We have to wait for the anaesthesia to wear off," she told him, and he nodded, taking Jamie's hand.
"He told me his middle name," Tony murmured, his eyes on Jamie.
"It was Daniel's father's name," she answered and he smirked.
"Liar." He accused playfully, and he revelled in the ghost of a smile that passed across her lips.
It may have been Daniel's father's name, but that wasn't who Ziva had named him after.
"I cannot lose him, Tony," she mumbled, and he nodded, trying to ignore the tears in his own eyes.
"You won't," he promised, knowing it wasn't something he necessarily had much control over, but also knowing it was a promise he needed to make.
The doctor came and left, checking on Jamie, and explaining that he would need to stay for a few days, and warning them that Jamie may not wake for a few hours. Ziva made it clear that she wasn't going anywhere, regardless of whether Jamie was awake or not, so Tony offered to return to their apartment and grab some things for them while a nurse brought in a cot.
. . . . .
Ziva had been so focused on Jamie that she hadn't instructed him on what to get from their apartment, or where to find it. So he entered the apartment, without a clue as to what they would need. He started in Jamie's room, because he felt it would be easier, filling the backpack hanging on his doorknob with clean pyjamas and a change of clothes, under the assumption that they would be needed if he was going to be staying at the hospital for a few days. He saw the small teddy that lay on Jamie's bed and added it to the bag, remembering Ziva telling him that Jamie had only just recently started leaving the house without it, knowing he would be in need of comfort when he woke.
He entered Ziva and Daniel's room hesitantly. He had been in there that morning, but somehow it seemed more intrusive without Ziva being present. After a small detour to the bathroom to get toiletries, he told himself that he never had a problem snooping through stranger's homes for the purpose of investigating, and that this should be no different. Their room was tidy and simple, void of any personal touches, except for some photos of Jamie.
He found a couple of changes of clothes for Ziva, and some for Daniel, assuming that he would be out of surgery by the time he returned to the hospital, and also in need of them. Finally, he took the left over spaghetti from the night before and piled it into a Tupperware container, knowing that if Ziva stayed by Jamie's bedside for the next few days as she fully intended, she couldn't survive on cafeteria food alone, before returning to the hospital.
He found Ziva in Jamie's room, visibly struggling to stay awake, but refusing to succumb to sleep.
"It's late," he told her, touching her shoulder to make her aware of his presence. "You should get some sleep."
"I don't want to be asleep when he wakes up," she mumbled, rubbing her eyes.
"I'll wake you when he opens his eyes," he told her, but she shook her head, part in determination, and part in an attempt to stay awake.
"Do you want me to get you some coffee?" He offered finally, conceding. Arguing with Ziva had always been pointless when she had her mind set on something. "Some dinner?"
"Just some coffee. Thanks, Tony," she said sincerely, and he nodded before exiting the room. He realised that he hadn't asked if she had any news on Daniel, but if she had spoken to his doctors she would have told him, he rationalised. He wondered whether they should have heard something by now, and whether the fact that they hadn't was a good sign or a bad one. Ultimately, all they could do was wait. They had been told that his side of the car had suffered the impact of the crash, and that there had been swelling in his brain due to the collision, which was the reason for the surgery. The doctors hadn't said much else, and he was just hoping that the old 'no news is good news' adage would ring true, and that the doctors were too busy saving his life to provide updates.
He entered the room and handed her the cup of coffee in silence, taking a seat.
"I tried to call Daniel's mother but she didn't answer," she told him, guilt invading every word.
"It's late, just try again in the morning," he advised, and she sighed, nodding.
Despite the caffeine he fell asleep a little over an hour later, while Ziva sat watching Jamie as if her gaze alone would wake him. When Jamie did wake up, Ziva had given in, dozing in the chair uncomfortably.
"Mommy?" Jamie spoke weakly, and Ziva's eyes flew open at the sound.
"Baby," she murmured, leaning forward to kiss his forehead, his hand still tightly clasped in hers.
Tony woke at the movement, relief washing over him as he saw Jamie. Tears were falling freely down Ziva's cheeks, however they were tears of relief, as opposed to the tears that she had been crying for the last few hours.
"It hurts," Jamie managed, and Tony watched her relief become concern, as he pressed the button to call a nurse. A nurse arrived with his doctor just moments later, who examined him and adjusted the pain medication.
"Where's Daddy?" Jamie asked once the doctor had left, his voice small.
"The doctor's still making daddy better," Ziva explained, and Jamie nodded slightly.
It wasn't long before different doctors approached Ziva and asked to speak to her privately regarding Daniel, and she slipped out to talk to them while Tony stayed with Jamie.
"How you feeling?" He asked Jamie, who was still gazing at the empty doorway, waiting for Ziva's return.
"Tired," he sighed, looking back at Tony. "When's mommy coming back?" He asked, despite it only having been minutes since Ziva left.
"Soon; she just has to talk to the doctors," Tony explained, moving to the chair that Ziva had occupied, closer to the bed.
"Will I get to have a cast?" Jamie asked, and Tony blinked at the question, surprised.
"I'm not sure, maybe," he replied honestly, as he watched Jamie think this over.
"Mark's brother had a cast on his arm once. It was green," he told Tony, biting his lip. "I want mine to be blue."
Tony smiled, nodding. "Sounds great."
"Can you still teach me how to play basketball?" Jamie inquired after a moment's thought, and Tony shook his head.
"Sorry, buddy, I think we might have to wait for your leg to get better first. But as soon as it does, I'll show you, I promise."
Jamie nodded sleepily, rubbing a hand over his eyes. His speech was softer and little slower, but Tony was just thankful that his injuries weren't too serious; that he was alive.
"You should probably get some sleep." He told Jamie, squeezing his hand. "But when you're feeling up to it, look what I got you," Tony unzipped the backpack, producing a small portable DVD player and a selection of DVD's he had taken from their apartment.
Jamie gave him a small but heartfelt smile. "Awesome. Will you watch one with me tomorrow?"
"Absolutely," Tony responded, reaching into the backpack once more. "I also brought you this little guy," he said, placing small stuffed bear on the bed. "He was feeling a bit lonely at home," Tony explained.
"Thanks," Jamie took the bear, hugging it tightly.
"Mommy's been gone for a while," Jamie observed, concerned, and Tony swallowed, hoping it wasn't the bad sign he knew it to be.
"She'll be back soon," he said, trying to sound confident. "Why don't you try to get some rest? Then when you wake up we can watch a movie."
Jamie nodded slightly, shifting in the bed. "Thanks Tony. I love you," he said softly, and Tony felt his eyes prickle with tears, as Jamie's eyes fluttered shut.
"I love you too, buddy," he responded, unable to think of a moment in his life when hearing those three words had meant that much. Coming from a child they were so honest and pure, without any underlying motivations. Coming from his child, it meant even more.
Tears were falling softly down his cheeks, a build-up of a day full of emotion hitting him all at once, when Ziva entered the room a few minutes later. Her eyes too, were filled with tears, but her expression was one of grief. It took a few seconds for it to click; he hadn't even really contemplated it as a possibility. But it was written all over her face, clear as day. He pulled her into a hug; unable to comprehend what his brain was telling him to be true. He stroked a hand through her hair in an attempt to comfort her, but he wasn't even sure that she registered his actions.
"He didn't make it," she spoke the words unnecessarily, and Tony just held her tighter. "They want to harvest his organs… I need to call his mother…"
The sentences were coming out sporadically, as they came to mind, and after whispering the last one she disentangled herself from Tony's embrace, leaving the room once again.
He stood there in shock, unable to fully grasp what had happened and what the consequences would be. He sat with Jamie, watching the child as he slept, thankful that he had survived; that he would get the chance to know his son.
. . . . .
Over an hour had passed since he had seen Ziva before he left Jamie's room to look for her. She was closer than he had thought – he found her in the waiting room with Daniel's mother, and was unable to tell which woman was comforting the other.
He suddenly felt like an outsider, as if he had no place here, despite being Jamie's father. The realisation hit him suddenly, that this was a family, one which he wasn't a part of. He returned to Jamie's room slowly, unsure of what to do, but unable to leave.
He sat by Jamie's bed, constantly checking the doorway for Ziva. He knew that her relationship with Daniel's mother was complicated, and he didn't want to make it worse by intruding, so he gave them space. Jamie woke a few hours later, seeming less exhausted than he had the night before.
"Where's mommy?" was his first question, and Tony sighed, knowing it wasn't his place to tell him about Daniel, and that Jamie was prone to asking questions that he couldn't answer.
"She's out there talking to your grandma," he answered, hoping there weren't any more questions.
"Nan's here?" Jamie questioned, and Tony nodded.
"She came to see you," he added, and Jamie smiled.
"Do you want to watch a movie?" Tony asked, hoping to distract Jamie from asking about Daniel.
"Can mommy and Nan watch too?"
Tony sighed, nodding. He didn't especially want to interrupt the two women, but it seemed easier than waiting for Jamie to ask about Daniel.
"I'll go get them," he said, exiting the room, only to find the waiting room empty. He eventually found them at the cafeteria, speaking softly over coffee, and approached them cautiously.
Ziva noticed him first, her face tear stained but her eyes dry.
"Is Jamie awake?" She asked immediately, and he nodded.
"He wants us all to watch a movie together," he said, and Ziva tilted her head.
"There's no television in his room, Tony," she told him.
"Oh how you underestimate me," he said in an attempt to lighten the mood, but she just gave him a confused look in response.
"Mary, this is Tony, Tony, Mary," Ziva introduced, as Tony held out his hand in greeting.
"Nice to see you again," Tony acknowledged, as she nodded.
They made their way to Jamie's room in relative silence, and Tony couldn't help but notice that Ziva and her mother in law seemed to be getting along, and he wondered what they had spent the last few hours discussing. He had expected that Daniel's death would have put more strain on their relationship, but it seemed to have done the opposite, if anything. Jamie's face lit up when the group entered, although it was soon clear that it was Ziva who he had been waiting to see.
"I'm sorry for your loss," Tony told Mary quietly, as they watched Ziva speaking to Jamie from a few steps away.
"Thank you," she responded, before moving closer to Jamie's bed. From the look on his face, Ziva hadn't told him about Daniel yet.
She had chickened out. Jamie had asked where his father was, and she had lied, telling him he was still with the doctors. She had blatantly lied to her son, because she was too afraid to see him upset. She couldn't bear to look at his face, so innocent, so untouched by grief, and tell him that his father had died, taking it all away. She had informed numerous people of a loved one's death, but somehow when it was her child, it was different. So they sat beside his bed, and watched one more Disney movie before breaking his heart. \
. . . . .
When the credits rolled, Mary announced that she needed to get home, saying goodbye and promising to return later in the day. Ziva was staring at Tony as if she wanted him to leave too, and it took him a few seconds longer than usual to realise why that was.
"I'll be back later, Jamie," he told the child, giving Ziva what he hoped came across to be a supportive look, before following Mary out of the room.
"She's stubborn," Mary stated softly as they waited for the elevator, and Tony frowned before responding.
"Ziva?" He confirmed, and Mary nodded.
"She won't want any help. But she will need it," she told him, taking his hand. "She will need you."
He didn't know what to say in response to that, so he gave her a nod, preparing to step onto the elevator with her before he heard Ziva say his name. So instead, he waved goodbye to Mary, before turning to Ziva.
"Tony," she began, taking a deep breath. "I need some space," she told him simply, and he swallowed. He hadn't been expecting that.
"I need to…" she trailed off. "I need to spend some time with Jamie, help him understand this, figure everything out. Can you… Can you just give me some time?"
He drew a hand over his face, frustration gripping him. He understood that the last few days had been impossibly difficult, to say the least. But he couldn't see how giving her space would help.
"I don't need you to understand it, I just need you to do this for me," she told him, reading his mind, or at least his facial expression.
"Leave you alone." He clarified.
"Yes."
"Leave my son alone."
It was the first time he had said it aloud. She didn't respond in words; shooting him a look that told him she wasn't changing her mind, before turning away from him and returning to Jamie's room.
He sighed, watching her disappear down the corridor. He wasn't just going to leave her alone. Mary was right, she would need help, and despite her default setting of refusing to let anyone give it to her, she couldn't do this on her own.
A/N:
1. This chapter was SO hard to finish. I'm not even sure why. But I am sorry for the wait.
2. From the research I did, I realise may have taken some liberties with the timing of everything medical. The majority of my medical knowledge was learned from Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice, so I apologise for any errors.
3. Megpie Loves Tiva, who got the last chapter title, I know this wasn't exactly happier, as you hoped, but it will get happier, I promise you :)
