Chapter 12 - Sorry.
Dougie.

I fell back onto my bed with my head in my hands. Leah was still lying there next to me. "Dougie..."
"Shut up for a minute," I told her and closed my eyes. I was absolutely dead. I didn't know what to do. I fucked up bad - no pun intended.
"Dougie if you'll just..." she started again.
"I said shut up!" I shouted back at her. I usually wasn't this harsh to anyone but in the state I was in she was lucky I wasn't beating the crap out of stuff. Tears stung in my eyes as I realized what I had just done. I didn't know how to fix this and part of me figured I never would be able to. I started talking to myself, pacing the room, "God I'm such a fucking idiot! Why, Dougie?! Why did you do this? You know why? 'Cause you're a complete moron!"
"Doug are you okay?" Leah asked quietly.
"Am I okay?" I turned to her, "No I'm not okay! Look at me! Do I look okay to you!?"
She was silent as I kept pacing. There was pounding on my door again, "Doug!"
"What?" I asked. It was Tom. He opened the door, his eyes half closed, "Put some clothes on and let me know when it's safe to come inside, we need to talk."
"sure, sure," I nodded and pulled on my pants, "Come in."
Tom wandered back into the room and looked at Leah, "You. Put on some clothes and get the fuck out, kay?"
She did what he told her to.
"Dougie," Tom started.
"Tom, listen I didn't know what I was doing okay? I was -- " I tried to explain but Tom shoved me onto my bed. "Just quit talking and listen for a second, okay?"
I nodded.
"While you were off getting wasted and fucking this chick, do you have any idea what kind of things you were putting Shay through?" Tom asked me. I stared at the ground, "No," I muttered.
"Dougie, you should see her down there. I've never seen her like this before. Harry's trying to get her to at least stop crying but...Dougie, I'm sorry, but you screwed up."
"I know," I muttered again. "And I'm sorry."
"You're sorry?" he asked, "Dougie don't tell me you're sorry! Fix this!"
"I can't," I sighed.
"Probably not!" he shouted, "Because in all honesty I wouldn't forgive you if I were her. You fucked up so many times these past few weeks I don't know how she can still look at you."
"Some pep talk you're giving me," I fired back, "Tom, just shut the hell up you have no idea what kind of shit I've been put through lately!" I screamed, "You have no right to tell me you wouldn't forgive me! You have no idea what my life is like at home! So don't tell me I'm screwed up!"
"It's the truth Doug!"
"Tom what the hell?" I shouted, "I thought you were my friend."
"That's what Shay thought about you," Tom sighed. "I'm basically done here," he turned to leave.
"Get fucked, asshole." I muttered. Next thing I knew Tom wheeled around and his fist connected with my cheekbone. We both just stood there, stunned.
"Dougie I-" Tom started from me to his fist. I brought my hand up to my eye. It was already starting to get puffy. I fell back onto my bed and I felt a drop of water fall onto my arm. It took me a minute to realize I was crying.
"Fucking hell, Dougie I didn't mean to hit you that hard." Tom told me, sitting next to me, "Don't cry about it."
I shook my head, "I'm not crying 'cause of that you moron." I was still pissed at him.
"Then why are you..."
"You want to know why, Tom!?" I screamed, standing up again, "Because my life has turned into a living hell, thats why! Do you have any idea what it's like to have your parents fight every night and know that they're fighting about you. Do you have any clue how bad that hurts?"
"Doug I'm sorry I didn't know..." he started.
"No you didn't know, Tom!" I shouted, "You don't get it!"
"I know Dougie, and I'm sorry," Tom told me. He sincerely meant it.
"No." I shook my head and started crying again, "You don't get it Tom. You don't get what it's like to have your dad not love you." My voice cracked on the word love.
"Doug don't say that."
"It's true," I wiped my face with my hand, just smearing the mess of tears and snot across my face. I didn't care. "He really doesn't love me. I thought a few beers and some friends would get my mind off all this but all it did was get me into deeper shit. I'm sorry I yelled at you."
"I'm sorry I punched you," Tom sighed. "You gonna be okay?"
"My eye will heal, if that's what you mean. Everything else..." I shook my head.
Tom laughed lightly trying to lighten the mood, "Look on the bright side. You got laid for once."
I laughed and wiped my eyes, "Yeah, this is true. Not like it matters though."

Nothing really matters, nothing really matters at all.
When all your dreams are shattered, everything is beautiful.