A/N: I had so many different versions of this chapter written out at one point I had six different word documents and a spiral notebook open. Hope you like it!
Disclaimer: Don't own the characters. Not making money. ETC.
The realization that Maura was gone hit her like a ton of bricks. Maura was gone and she had so much to talk about, so many questions swimming through her head that her apparently ill-timed run had done nothing to quell. She numbly sat, leaving her beer forgotten on the coffee table. Maura liked her. Maura liked her in the same way she liked Maura. She liked Maura. God, that was a strange thought. It was all a series of strange thoughts. But then life was strange and she was not a runner, in any sense of the word. She was Jane Rizzoli, she faced her problems head on with a gun, she didn't duck out. She didn't know the meaning of giving up. When her back was against the wall she fought to get on even ground, but that was in her professional life. Her personal life was very different. The lines often blurred between what she wanted and what other people wanted for her. Most of the time she stood her ground but that didn't mean she wasn't plagued with doubt every once in a while. She just needed to figure out her head first, and that was where she was having the majority of her problems.
Being with Maura came with so many conditions and terms and by-laws created by her own mind it was hard to navigate through. Like how would the sex work? She felt her face grow uncomfortably hot at the thought. Could she even manage it? What if she was bad at it or Maura laughed at her? She'd never been with a woman before, not even a simple date. She'd never had the urge, it was only Maura. Then there were other thoughts. What if it was weird or they didn't work well as a couple or if taking that step took that unnamable thing away that made their friendship so great? What if they broke up? How would their friendship survive? Or if five or ten years down the road they got tired of each other? Because things like that happened every day, all the time. Her own parents, whose marriage she thought was one of the most solid things in the universe, could attest to that very notion. Marriages fell apart. Things that were supposed to last forever disintegrated. It was just how life was.
But if she was going with that line of thinking then she could argue that her friendship with Maura could also fall apart for no reason at all without warning. Maura was gone after drunkenly confessing she needed to spend some time away from Jane. Whether she remembered said confession was still up in the air but still, she was gone. So couldn't she lose Maura anyway?
But the big question, the one she'd been skirting around for fear of answering was as Korsak had told her: would she regret it? If she jumped in or walked away would she regret it? The question made her rapidly whizzing brain stop for a moment. The nonsense, the unasked and unanswered questions, the 'what if...' scenarios all started to fade. The fog started to lift and she could finally, finally see part of the yellow brick road that would lead her forward.
She wanted Maura in her life in whatever capacity she wanted to be there. She liked Maura in a more than friendly manner. If she chose to ignore the growing tension between them she could lose Maura in the end regardless so it wasn't like she was really screwing up anything. And if she went forward…Well, she didn't really know what would happen, but maybe that was the point?
She bit her bottom lip. Her heart beat rapidly in her ribcage. Do or die, Rizzoli, she thought, it's your game. You've got the puck and a clear shot. Take it or pass. It was the moment where heroes were made, she'd been in this position a thousand times over. She always took the shot. She always jumped off the ledge. Sometimes it was to near death or at the best of times to ultimate glory, but she always took the chance. She just couldn't take wondering and never knowing. It wasn't in her nature. She stood from the couch suddenly knowing exactly what she wanted. She wanted movie nights and soft awakenings and sleeping in on the weekends and her perfume and fun facts over breakfast. She wanted to be with Maura. She wanted Maura. Jane let out a laugh. After admitting it to herself it felt like some weight she didn't even know was there, was suddenly gone. She could finally breathe. It was like getting over a cold she'd had forever and suddenly feeling like she could take on the world again. Why was she so stupid?
She grabbed her jacket, keys, and wallet. She didn't bother with pants or a shirt, instead choosing to go in her running shorts and tank-top. She didn't want to waste any more time. She definitely didn't want to spend any more time in her own head. She just wanted to go, to chase, to stop Maura from leaving because that's what her gut was telling her would happen if she waited and kept thinking.
Once out of her apartment she stared at the night sky in confusion. Had she really been thinking that long? She stepped out from underneath the awning before shutting the door to her building behind her. She felt the rain slowly drip onto her head before it started pouring. Rain. Jane scoffed at the stupid weather. Rain. It would be raining. It would give what she was about to do that extra added oomph. She could never do anything halfway. No, the universe always deemed otherwise. So of fucking course it would be raining. Of course. She rushed out of the building pulling her jacket over her head and started her car.
A few minutes later she arrived at her destination, a certain house in Beacon Hill. She had to stop being a coward and face this, whatever this was. She ran from her car not bothering covering her head, not caring that she was already soaked, not caring about anything other than the fact that she was about to lose the one constant thing in her life. She hit the doorbell once, there was nothing. A second try reared the same result. Then she tried knocking. Jane knocked on the door for so long that she couldn't feel her hand. Maura was gone. Maura was gone. She was too late and Maura was gone. She was probably out on some date with some loser, a loser that wasn't such a loser because at least he could get the courage to ask her out or say he liked her or however they met. Why had it taken all of this? Why was she such a goddamn coward? She rested her forehead against the metal of the door. How could she have been so stupid? Maura made her choice and she was too late.
Jane had no idea how long she stood with her head resting against Maura's door but it was long enough for her face to go numb and her knees to go weak. What the hell was she supposed to do? Was she supposed to act like this never happened? Go home and pretend? Were they supposed to keep playing this stupid, stupid game? Could she even do that anymore? Could she even be that person still? She bit her lip. She knew the answer. She always knew the answer. She pulled her knees to her chest and put her head on top of them.
…
Maura stepped out of the taxi wearing the same clothes she wore to the gala the night before. There had been a charity event she needed to attend to represent the Isles name. But she couldn't even stay for the whole event. She was not doing the walk of shame, even though she was never ashamed. One of the other medical examiners in the city needed a consult on a case they were handed and being the Chief she had to go do her duties in the middle of the event. She had been awake for almost an entire twenty-four hours. The pounding in her head was so severe she didn't know if it was from a lack of sleep, the hangover, or because she was hungry. She was fairly certain that the only thing keeping her vertical was the seriously alarming amount of coffee running through her system and pure adrenaline. All she wanted to do was go inside her home and sleep. She didn't even notice the person on her stoop until she was standing right there. "Jane?"
For her part the detective sat up abruptly blinking rapidly like she didn't know where she was. Jane looked at Maura with wide eyes as everything finally came back to her. "Oh." She looked at Maura, the bright sunny day, the birds chirping, her eyes grew wide. "Oh!" Hastily she stood from her spot on the steps. She wiped her hand across her face. "I'm – I'm going to go. I'm sorry." She started walking.
Maura dropped her hands to her sides. She was too tired for this, too tired, too exhausted, too drained. It was just too much all around everywhere all the time, it was always too much with Jane. The detective only had two speeds full throttle or not at all. Maura needed at least a couple hours of sleep and an aspirin if she even wanted to keep up with Jane. "You stayed here all night waiting on me and now that I'm actually here you're just going to leave?" Jane stopped walking but didn't turn around. Maura shook her head. "Typical." She mumbled under her breath before she continued up her steps and put her key into the lock. Just as she was turning the knob she heard Jane's voice.
"You're the one who left Maura!" Jane shouted. "You say I shut down? Well look at you!" She pointed at Maura. "What do you call this?" The pot that was only just simmering seemed to boil over and no one was paying attention to turn down the heat.
"Oh, so now you want to talk?" Maura asked incredulously.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Jane shouted back.
Maura narrowed her eyes. "You asked me to psychoanalyze your apartment, so how about I psychoanalyze you?" She took a step down closer to Jane. "You have all of these walls you've built up over the years. Walls that rise at even the slightest hint of anything. You say you want someone to accept you as 'just Jane' but you can't even accept 'just Jane' yourself because you're too afraid to let other people even think you're human."
"You want to talk about walls?" Jane snapped her temper getting the best of her. "Fine! Let's talk about walls, Queen of the Dead, who is much more comfortable around dead bodies than she is actual people. Hasn't anyone ever told you that's a little weird? At least I'm not afraid of people."
"Well at least, I'm not afraid of myself." Maura countered softly before turning back to her door. How could she ever think Jane was any different?
Jane knew what she said was below the belt immediately. She wanted to take back everything that was just said. She just wanted to start over but Maura was once again walking back to her door. "I'm sorry." Maura stopped walking. "I didn't come here to fight with you."
Maura turned around. "Well, you're doing a superb job of that." She crossed her arms.
"Don't go."
"Why?" All the playfulness was gone from Maura's voice. How could one three letter word sound so serious?
Jane's heart leapt into her throat. The moment was happening. The big life changing, 'oh my god a comet is crashing into the Earth we have to stop it now!' moment was happening. "Because – Because you're my best friend." And she was faltering over her words already. "And – And you have a toothbrush in my bathroom!" She had no idea why the words came out as a shout or so rushed but they did. Maura raised an eyebrow at her. Jane continued. "You have a toothbrush in my bathroom. I wrote everything I wanted to say to you down." Maura could see a soggy palm sized notebook in her hand. "But it got wet." She sniffed. "And I was sitting here thinking of all the things I could say to you, all the things I should've said to you, and they all sounded…they all sounded stupid. But I kept coming back to the toothbrush. You have a toothbrush in my bathroom and it's not even one of those cheap disposable ones that you just throw away on a whim. It's one of those electric Sonicare toothbrushes. And it's always been in my bathroom. I never let anyone keep anything of theirs at my place before, but you. You have a fancy toothbrush in my bathroom. I-I sleep with a gun and all my doors locked and I still have nightmares but when you're there I – I don't. You make me feel safe. And I – I'm not the type of person that feels safe, ever. I'd rather hang out with you than – than some guy any day. You keep my beer in your fridge even though you don't drink beer. You find me when I'm lost and I can't help but feel like that all those things mean something." Maura felt her shoulders drop. "And I know you don't want to hear what I have to say because you went out last night and you're coming home this morning and I know what that means. So I'm just going to…I'm going to go." Jane ended hopelessly, suddenly feeling very, very stupid.
And just like that Maura felt all of her defenses flare. She was done taking the backseat. She was done being the pushover. She was going to show Jane just how much of a fighter she could be. "No!" Maura shouted making Jane stop in her tracks. "You don't get to do this to me. You don't get to walk away!" Her voice cracked and shook as exhaustion seeped in. "I am right here. Right here. And you don't get to act like I'm not. So, no. We're having this conversation, right here, right now."
It was easier in her car, Jane thought. It was easier when she was alone in her lonely apartment without even her dog because Frankie took her while she was running to 'pick up chicks.' It was easier when she was sitting on her new couch pretending to drink her beer, when the voices in her head were just voices, and no one was talking back to her, answering her questions. But standing there in front of Maura all the bravado she felt earlier evaporated into thin air. All she could think about was every relationship that ended because of her, her unwillingness to bend, her pride, her job, her stubbornness, her neediness. Everything from elementary school friends, to high school best friends to Dean to Casey to Korsak to her parents to her dad. There were so many things, so many relationships that were upended because of her. She was the opposite of Midas and she always flew a little too close to the sun. Her heart was racing. Her hands were shaking. Everything in her body was telling her to run, to turn around and leave but something in Maura's eyes held her. Something in those sad, pleading eyes kept her anchored and grounded.
"You are going to listen to me, Detective." The authoritative inflection of Maura's voice caught Jane off guard. "You're going to stand there and listen to what I have to say because I can't do this anymore. And if you walk away from me before I'm finished, I will never forgive you." For her part Jane stood still with her hands awkwardly hanging at her sides, head down. "You don't get to allude to there being something deeper here continuously, you don't get to tell me you feel it too and then just walk away. You don't get to give me hope. You don't – you don't get to change me and then leave." Her voice was cracking under the pressure but she couldn't stop now. She couldn't stop ever. It was like a dam had burst inside her letting out a rush of words she kept locked away, words she didn't even know she felt came crashing from her lips. "I deserve more than that. Ironically, you're the reason I even think that way. Everyone walks away from me, everyone walks out of my life and I always let them because I didn't know that fighting or telling those people I wanted them to stay was even an option. But you changed that. You changed me, you changed everything." She gave a dry laugh wiping the back of her hand across the few tears running down her face. "I've never been anyone's first choice. I've never been anyone's reason for anything. My own parents – birth and adoptive – didn't even pick me. But out of all the people in the world, I thought you would be the one." She swallowed down the lump in her throat. "You were supposed to pick me but you're not. And I want to know why? Before you walk away, before you leave my life, before you become just another face at BPD before your mother moves out and before – before everything changes, I want to know why? You owe me that much."
Jane didn't know what to say, what to do, how to act. This was not how she planned it all to go. She was supposed to be the one convincing Maura that this was right. She was supposed to be the strong one. It was never supposed to be the other way around. She was a fish out of water. She really wanted Maura to stop crying. Even more she wanted to stop her own tears from spilling over. And she definitely didn't want any of that last part of Maura's speech to ever, ever happen. It was like they were both playing chicken and they decided not to swerve at the last second. "I'm horrible to be in a relationship with." Maura narrowed her eyes through the tears she was in the middle of wiping away. Jane blinked several times. Her heart thudded in her chest. There was a long moment of silence. Blood was rushing to Maura's head making her feel lightheaded. They were at a standstill: neither moving and oh so much space between them. They were standing on two separate islands with the choice to either build the bridge or set it on fire. And Jane held all the matches. "What if it doesn't work out?" Jane's voice was quiet, reverent almost and full of so much insecurity it almost broke Maura's heart.
"What if it does?" Maura's voice was the complete opposite. So sure, steady. It was one of the greatest things about their dynamic. One was always brave and strong enough for the both of them when the need arose. "What if it's the greatest thing we've ever done? If there's even a small chance for this to work don't you want to try? You deserve to be happy, Jane. You – you could be happy with me. We could be happy with each other. If there's even a chance for us, don't you want to take it?"
A short moment passed before Jane's scared, tentative brown eyes met Maura's pleading ones. "Can we talk about it inside?" Maura nodded slowly leading them both inside.
It was different sitting in the living room at least four feet away from Maura. It was different in the light of the living room. When did it get so bright? It was different than earlier when she came rushing to her best friend's house ready with a full confession and no more excuses. That had been her saving grace the entire drive and while she waited on the doorstep for Maura's return. No more excuses. It sounded better, braver, bigger, in her car in the pitch black of the sky as she raced across town to stop something terrible. Because she knew in her heart – her trusted gut – that so many things had changed between them that if Maura took a break from her everything would change. So she ran towards instead of away. It seemed like a good decision at the time but now, now in the harsh light of Maura's living room and with the awkward silence threatening to suffocate her, it seemed so very stupid. There was nothing to hide behind. There were no men between them, no impending cases, no intruding mothers, no dogs needing to go out or turtles needing to be fed. It was just her and Maura. And now Jane was stuck with the thought of now what? There was so much to say, so much so that it seemed all of the words were trying to come out all at once getting stuck in the door rendering her completely and utterly speechless. "So…" Jane trailed off running a hand over her thigh.
"So." Maura said back. She was trying to keep her own feet from running, her own thoughts from spinning out of control. Jane was there, in her house. They were supposed to be talking but there was so much silence.
Jane swallowed. You already chose, you already jumped, now you just have to keep your head above water, she thought to herself. She could that. "Don't ever ask me to pick between you or work." It was the first sentence that came to her mind, the first thing out of her mouth.
"Jane," Maura's eyes softened as she leaned forward towards Jane on the couch. "I would never -"
Jane cut her off before she would finish. "And I want to move as fast or as slow as we both deem appropriate." She was not looking at Maura as she talked. Instead, she focused her eyes on the coffee table. "Work needs to stay appropriate, professional. Like it usually is. I," Jane paused trying to find the words. "This is…this is new for me. I've never…I've never been with a woman before. Never wanted to." She shrugged. "But you're different, you've always been different even if I didn't know it. I probably never would've figured this out on my own." She swallowed hard. "I'm not sure you remember but on Friday when you were drinking you said to me that you needed some time away and I knew then that I didn't want that. But now," She shrugged wiping the sweat from her palms on her bare leg. She wished she'd worn pants. "I'm struggling here, so you can go." She laughed softly looking at Maura.
Maura smiled kindly at Jane. She sat up a little straighter, she wanted to reach out and take the detective's hands in her own. She wanted to smooth the wrinkles in Jane's face, take the tension out of her body. This was harder than she anticipated. "I would never ask you to quit your job or take a desk position or do something less dangerous or any version thereof. I know what you're career means to you. I expect the same in return." Jane nodded her head some of the tension leaving her shoulders. "I agree to your other terms. This is," Like Jane she struggled to find the words. They never did this…this talking thing. They never sat down and revealed feelings and told things like they were. It wasn't them and she found it so much more difficult than she had initially anticipated. "This is new for me too."
Jane's head shot up. "Really?"
Maura couldn't help the laugh that escaped her. "Yes, I've never dated a woman before. And I don't want to lose you."
"I don't want to lose you either." Jane mumbled turning away again.
"I want to be exclusive." Maura admitted.
Jane laughed. "Don't like to share?"
Maura shook her head. "Absolutely not."
"Good thing, because I don't either." They looked at each other, both happy with the things that were said. Maura yawned. "You're tired." Jane pointed out.
"I haven't gone to sleep yet." She admitted covering her mouth as another yawn took her. Jane looked away. "Wait," Maura furrowed her eyebrows thinking of Jane's words outside. "I wasn't with anyone last night, if that's what you were referring to outside. Well," She thought out loud cocking her head to the side. "I guess technically speaking I was but not in a romantic setting. I was at a charity event and then I got a call for work."
"You got a case?" Jane interrupted again. "Why wasn't I called?" She always tried hard to get Maura's cases. They made a good team and worked well with each other, their conviction rate was insane.
Before Jane's thoughts could continue down the path they were headed, Maura spoke. "A medical examiner across town needed help on something, so I had to go." Jane nodded her head. She didn't question the fact that it was in the middle of the night. She knew from experience that sometimes when a case broke everyone involved had to step up no matter the time. "You're tired too." Maura said quietly pointing out Jane's own yawn.
The brunette stretched. "Yeah, your front step is as comfortable to sleep on as it sounds." Maura laughed. Jane stood and offered a hand to Maura. "Barring any kind of major catastrophe we have the day off."
"So what are we going to do, sleep all day?"
"Yes!" Jane laughed. Maura looked appalled. "C'mon, before I drag your butt to bed."
Ten minutes later after they both lay in bed on complete opposite ends of the bed. The awkwardness was back with a full vengeance. They both seemed to be stuck in their own heads. At the same moment they both rolled onto their sides to face another, their arms coming around to rest of the other's waist. They both laughed. So much had changed, but really it felt as if nothing had. "This okay?" Jane asked in a soft whisper. Maura nodded her head in content and blinked slowly already starting to fall asleep. Jane smiled pulling the doctor a little closer. She kissed the top of Maura's head before closing her own eyes.
A/N: I had this incredibly sappy ending sequence planned but I'm just going to save that for another time.
Thanks for reading! (And for all the reviews and things, I'm still kind of in shock lol!)
