Disclaimer: SM owns everything 'Twilight'. I am the proud owner of a DVD of 'Breaking Dawn-Part 2'. And Bill Condon's little goodbye speech made me cry. However, I still maintain that the audio commentary by Rob and Kris in 'Eclipse' was the best, simply because Rob was hilarious there!
Unbeta'd, so all mistakes are mine.
Chapter-12
Where is the proverbial thunder and lightning when you need them? I would have been happy to be struck by the later at that moment. And the former could have created some distraction—helped me a bit. But no, not even a gust of wind disturbed the stillness of the kitchen. Only the oven made a soft buzzing sound as the would-be cookies shone through the transparent door.
And Esme continued to stare at me, waiting for an answer. The worst part was that she did not even look angry, just…disappointed.
"So, um, you heard…"
"Everything, Bella. I was already there when the two of you entered. Neither of you noticed me, and once you began to talk, I took care not to show myself."
I shifted from one foot to the other, having no idea what to say to her. Lying fluently was not my forte, and in any case she had heard everything for herself. There was no way I could pass off that conversation as innocent, or laugh it off as a misunderstanding on her part.
"What I don't understand is," began Esme when I remained silent, "why did you marry Edward at all if you didn't want to? It wasn't as if anybody forced you!" Her eyes narrowed in speculation and she shook her head in puzzlement. "Why were you in his room that night, Bella? Charlie said that you had taken a fancy to Edward, but that is not the case, is it?"
"I—it was a mistake," I admitted, feeling more miserable than I had in my whole life. I recalled how pleased she had been at the wedding; how she had thanked me. Her eyes asked for further clarification, so I went on doggedly, my voice dropping with every word. "I wanted to hide in Jasper's room, but…"
Esme staggered back as if I had pushed her—hard. Without taking her eyes off me, she moved back and sat down heavily in the nearest chair. Suddenly feeling drained, I grabbed another chair and sank in it.
"You hate me now, don't you?" I asked her almost in a whisper.
She sighed and pressed her closed eyes with the tips of her fingers. When she spoke, she sounded tired.
"I don't know what to say, Bella," she murmured. She opened her eyes then, and they looked tired too. "I don't know where I have gone wrong."
I frowned. "Where have you gone wrong? What do you mean, Esme? This is all my fault."
She shook her head. "You have known Edward only for a few days, Bella. Yes, marrying him when you did not love him was wrong, but I am thinking of everything Jasper said to you in the library. He is Edward's brother! How could he—how could he be so callous? If he wanted to marry you, why did he not say so before the wedding?"
I explained Jasper's reason, that he had believed my decision to be in Edward's room a deliberate one. However, Esme still seemed doubtful.
"In that case, why should he say anything at all after the wedding?" she queried, frowning. "He should have held his tongue if he thought you were happy with Edward. No Bella, this does not sound right. And asking you to come to his room—that was just disgusting. At least you had the decency to refuse that!"
"Oh," I blinked, surprised that she was praising me instead of condemning. "Well, I just could not do that—it would have been so wrong."
"And that shows you are basically a good girl," she smiled, but only for a second. "Bella, are you really going to make Edward divorce you?"
"I don't know, Esme," I sighed, twisting my fingers together on the table. "I am so confused. In the beginning I thought that I loved Jasper and living with Edward would be nothing but a farce, but now I am not so sure. I—I like Edward; he is so sweet and generous. And I am beginning to ask myself if I really love Jasper, or was that an infatuation? The first time a charming guy flirted with me, and I fell for him straightaway! You did know that Charlie never let any boys near me while we lived in Chicago, didn't you?"
She nodded. "I had some idea, from what all Charlie used to say when he visited us. He…he took your mother's leaving him very hard, I think."
"He did," I agreed. "He never talks about her, you know? And we don't have a single picture of her. Sometimes I feel that I never had a mother! Sue has been wonderful with me, but…Maybe I wouldn't have been such a fool, had mom been around."
Esme surprised me again by taking my hands in hers.
"Bella, I am aware that you don't know me that well, and we are in a peculiar situation here. But I want you to know that you can come to any time, talk with me about anything. Okay? Don't feel you have nobody to turn to, for advice or…just to hear you out."
I smiled even as my eyes teared up. She was being so nice to me, even though I had married one of her sons and was thinking of leaving him for the other. Evidently, she understood my dilemma.
"This is such a mess, isn't it?" she said softly. "Bella, even I am not sure what the right thing to do here is. On one hand I would like to ask you to give a chance to Edward—I can see how happy he is with you, even though he may not understand what being married really is. This is as much as a normal life he can have, I guess. On the other hand, the longer you stay with him, the more it will hurt him when you leave him."
"I don't want to hurt him," I blurted out, then apologised for interrupting her.
"It's okay," she smiled rather sadly, "but…just make up your mind quickly, okay? And when you do, don't do…anything that Jasper suggested. Don't make Edward feel inadequate or guilty, please. Just come to me and I will…find some way to make him understand that he should let you go. Promise me this much, Bella."
"I promise, Esme, of course I promise."
"There is one last thing, Bella." She took a deep breath and continued, "Don't stay with Edward out of pity, or even a sense of duty. Jasper was right about one thing at least—he does have his family to take care of him. So please, don't treat him as a stray puppy or a charity case: that would be worse than telling him he can't be a proper husband or…anything, really."
At first I could not speak, though I opened my mouth a couple of times. Then, I felt something I had never imagined feeling for Esme—anger. I swallowed so I would not begin yelling at her. When I spoke, I kept my voice level.
"Esme, with all due respect, you are very close to insulting Edward yourself. Have I ever by word or gesture indicated that I think of him as someone to be pitied? Even when I did not know anything about him, when I had seen him only in passing when I came to chat with Rose and hoped to have a word with Jasper, even then I did not pity him. Why should I have? Yes, he had a bad accident and I feel sorry for that, but he is still a wonderful guy—intelligent, warm and incredibly talented. You want people to treat him normally? Then stop treating him like a child. He may be guileless, but if you treat him like an adult, he will respond like one. I realise that as a mother you want to protect him from the world, but please, let him stand on his own two feet!"
My voice quivered a bit towards the end, but I said my piece nevertheless. Esme's expression was that of complete incredulity, followed by hurt. For a moment I thought she was going to cry.
"You think I am stopping Edward from being an adult? You think I don't want him to have a normal life?" Esme wasn't the type to shriek, I guess, always being so gracious, but her pitch was getting close to it. Darn, why did I have to get carried away like that? I could have put my thoughts into better words!
"We got him the best medical care, Bella, flew specialists in here so that they could give us a solution. But nothing came of it! You did not see him then, or you would have known how scared of everything he was! He could not sleep alone for nightmares, so Emmett had to sleep in his room. Can you imagine the terror he must have felt while being imprisoned in a drowning car? The doctors told us that his brain was oxygen-deprived for a few seconds—that is why he went into coma and had memory loss when he finally woke up. He had therapy for months and months so he could be somewhat self-reliant. For weeks he could not speak properly, nor bathe or dress or feed himself! How can you blame me for being protective? You don't know what I have gone through!"
She was nearly panting when she finished her rant. I felt really bad at having upset her.
"Esme," I said as soothingly as was possible for me, "please calm down; I didn't mean to blame you for anything, really. It's just that what little I have seen of Edward—it makes me think that he is being grossly underestimated. You are right—I don't know what you have gone through, and even if you told me I wouldn't understand completely. But I do know that you love Edward and want the best for him, don't you?"
The timer of the oven beeped, and Esme turned around, slipped on her gloves and pulled the tray out. I didn't press her, giving her time to think.
I also noticed that the cookies looked magnificent and smelled utterly tempting. They made my mouth water, even though it hadn't been long since lunch, and I wasn't even hungry. Not to mention that I was stressing out right now, waiting for Esme's response.
When she had arranged them in a rack to cool down, she turned and faced me. Though her eyes were still sad, her chin was lifted with determination.
"Of course I want the best for Edward," she answered, her pose as regal as a queen's. "However, it seems that I have been going about it the wrong way. You think I am mollycoddling him, don't you?"
I tried to choose my words more carefully this time. I had no wish to fight with her, after all.
"I think that Edward is capable of achieving much more than we think," I began, trying to read her expression at the same time. She seemed to be listening carefully, so I continued, "When Rose had informed me that Edward has made great progress in the last year, I did not understand what she meant. But when I think about it now—what is so different about Edward from other people of his age? Yes, sometimes he says things he shouldn't in front of everybody, but otherwise…I don't find him lacking in any way."
Esme raised a perfectly arched eyebrow. "Uh-huh, what about the physical aspect of the married life?" she asked bluntly.
I was sure I had a full-on body blush; I felt so warm. "It's—too soon for that, Esme. But I am sure he will get it—eventually. Right now it's like he has forgotten, but he likes to kiss and cuddle: that is something." There; I could be blunt too. Even though I might not be the best person for Edward to do the remembering thing with.
"So…your decision to stay with Edward…"
"…has nothing to do with any of this, and everything with how I feel about him. Please Esme, give me some time to figure it out?"
She nodded, and opened her mouth to say something, but right then Edward and Emmett burst into the kitchen, their noses twitching like rabbits.
"I knew it!" exclaimed Edward loudly. 'Freshly-made Monster Cookies! Mom, don't give Em any—he stole mine the last time!"
Esme gave me a brief, amused glance, as if asking—"Are you sure he has grown up?"
I sighed. Perhaps I was getting ahead of myself.
End Note: So, more details from Esme. And yes, drowning can cause all this, and more.
Do you agree with Bella's assessment, or Esme's?
