Happy Heero, Monotone Duo
Chapter Twelve

Heero

For some strange reason, Duo's glee filled voice worried me a little bit. Okay fuck that. It worried me a lot. I may not be normal, hell I relish in being inhuman; but if I know one thing, it's when to be concerned. And when Duo gets that aura about him, it's enough to make you need to worry. And you know which one I'm talking about, you know the one that spells out: 'I've completely ditched my mind in the sewer and so forth have no chance of being sane until further notice'.

Yeah. Scary shit. And I'm allowed to say that because I've been corrupted. So sue me.

Duo was just about to explain his plans to us, when I heard a very loud bang and a screech that would make god himself want to commit suicide. Immediately 'my' head spun in the direction of my body.

"What did you do?"

"Don't worry about it." He replied in a chipper tone, that I would have smited myself for if I'd been the one to make myself sound that way.

"What just happened?" We heard voices just outside the room. "Why is there a loaded gun in Relena's room? And why is it taped to the closet?" Quatre's voice carried through the wall.

"Duo…" I threw a glare at him. What did you do?"

"Don't worry about it!" He smiled again. That psycho.

"Duo, what is going on?" I tried a low snarl.

"Oh nothing, Hee-chan!"

"Duo, just tell us what's going on?" Wufei sighed, clearly getting aggravated by his dodging of the question and obvious blame for the happenings in the other room.

"Fine! I rigged it so it would shoot when she opened the door!"

"DUO!" Both Wufei and I screamed at him in perfect unison.

"Before you both jump my shit, it was a fake bullet! It wasn't supposed to kill. It was less deadly than Quatre after watching a chick flick I swear! Besides, do you think I would kill her yet when I have more in store for her?" He cackled as he made a very good point. Duo was the type of person to make it worth his while (I think that's how the phrase goes).

"So you're out to completely destroy her then huh?" Wufei asked when he realized Duo was not just playing silly pranks to be funny. He had a mission. And given the soul fact that he was in my body, that gave him all the more incentive to see it to the bloody end.

"What happened?" Duo turned to listen to the voice outside. He pressed his head against the door.

"Nothing to be concerned about." Trowa responded.

"You mean she's not dead yet then, hmm…" I don't think Trowa caught that, or maybe he did, I don't know, we were on different sides of the door, but I sure as hell heard Zechs say that. And it caused me to involuntarily snort. Who'd have thought the man hated his sister with as much gusto as the rest of us.

"Okay, so start spilling it Duo. Might as well get ourselves prepared for the shit to come and I won't take any blame in this!"

"Of course not Hee-chan, you're in my body! And thus, a temporary cripple! And of course if you were involved she would immediately suspect me first! She would never think her beloved Heero would ever hurt her! And if you're in her sight while I'm setting all these horrible teenage pranks up, then she couldn't rightly accuse you! Or as she'll think, accuse me."

"First, you're a psycho. Let's just get that clear before I move on in stating my valid points. Second, you're more obsessive than she is…Okay maybe that is a tad bit unfair to say, but why is it that I must be in a war between the two of you? What the hell? Are we even going to inform the others about this? Why is Zechs on our 'team' suddenly. And since when the hell did you have an infatuation with me?"

"Hee-chan…. when did you attain a properly human functioning vocal ability?"

"Since when did you learn words that are more copious than four letter, children's words?"

"Okay children, stop…Let's just get back out there, before they think we're in here doing something we shouldn't be doing." Wufei broke up our childish bickering.

"Fine you're right…" Duo said too quickly for both of our comfort. Well, more or less mine. Maybe it kinda irked me that the baka never listened to me, but when Wufei said something he jumped right to it. I don't know, I guess in a strange and human sort of way it made me slightly irritated toward Wufei as well.

Twenty minutes later. Yes that's right, twenty. We finally left that room. What was the hold up? That baka's room was the hold up. To ease the effort later, we decided to eradicate the mess ahead of time. In other words, we cleaned his room. And yes it took that long for all three of us to do it. He had more junk lying around than was healthy. And I believe I expressed the uselessness of most of it multiple times. Of course in the fray I finally got back my disc converter that I let him borrow (more or less he took it without my permission)…which I would have been thankful for if it wasn't incrusted with a syrupy looking substance. Smelled like maple to me…But I didn't even want to know.

"That was possibly the most disgusting living vicinity I've ever had the displeasure of cleaning." Wufei spoke with a distorted look of repulsion.

"Oh come on guys it wasn't that bad! And whoa… What this?" We stopped as we approached the dining room. It was completely decked out like we were actually going to sit down and eat properly.

"Relena decided it would be nice to eat 'formally'." Quatre spoke trying to hide his distaste, though on him it's very hard to hide; because his face twists up in an irritated frown.

"Why?" The only thing Duo could think to say. Of all things, he asks why…

"I don't know…but I'll tell you now, I'm not cooking!"

"I hope she doesn't expect us to cook…On Duo's part that could be a dangerous request…" the words came of my body's voice and I shot a glare at my body.

"Heeey… What's that supposed to mean?"

"That means I want to live to see tomorrow therefore, you aren't allowed to cook." Ouch, that one stung. Because he knew that I, as Heero Yuy, wasn't the cook supreme. And that was a direct attack, despite the difference of name.

"Personally, I don't trust either of you. And why, on earth do we need four forks? Most of us can live with only one; in rare cases, some of us don't use them at all." Wufei spoke solemnly, indicating Duo as his target.

My toes curled with horror as Duo opened his mouth to speak with an irritated look on my face. He caught himself before he blew it, though…Thank god. We really didn't need more than half of the 'household' knowing about our little 'issue'.

"Can't we just order take out?" I whined, hoping that it wouldn't come out strained. Sometimes remembering what that baka might say was hard, because he was not really as predictable as I might have thought in the beginning.

I watched him with mild amusement, as Duo randomly took pieced of silverware off of the table and tossed them into the nearly overflowing garbage can, every time Relena looked away. And amusing me even more, was the fact that Relena hadn't even noticed him doing it; whereas everyone else was either smirking or chuckling lightly to himself. Granted, even though it was far from a "me" sort of thing to do; it was almost understandable, considering that I really don't like Relena one tiny little microscopic sliver of a bit.

His general irritation for the Princess Pink (or in simplistic terms, Queen of all that is wrongful, evil and, should be destroyed) was a slight different in reason than mine was, of course. For some reason I'd found, thinking back on it; every time Relena had my attention, he found obnoxious things to do to prevent her from keeping my attention. Not that I was really complaining, the less time I had to spend with the bitch the better.

Zechs seemed to understand that and for that small reason I think he mildly earned more respect from me. Or at least got something—very small, mind you—that resembled respect. He'll have to kill her with his teeth alone in order to fully have my respect. Hell, if he did that; I would have submitted to dropping to my knees to pray in his direction five times a day. I think under that circumstance that would be the least I could do.

"Since I fear for my health, my life, and anything attached to the two; I think I'll take lead in the kitchen, because by all means I trust not an aristocrat in a kitchen where there are potentially deadly items." Wufei spoke in that elegant way that he normally does.

"I'll help you." Trowa added. From what I knew he was good at cooking, though it was Wufei who took kitchen duty the most.

I turned to see Duo slipping off, in hopes of being discreet. Considering I caught him, I really don't think it worked. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Uh…" He turned around and blinked at me, which made me grateful that it was only he and I that remained in that general vicinity. "I'm going to go set up Relena's 'alarm clock'."

"I don't even want to know do I?"

"Probably not, Hee-chan."

"Stupid ass, don't say that when someone can overhear you!" I scolded thanking whatever god still existed that the others were too preoccupied making sure Relena didn't start screeching and whining, to even notice the awkwardness of our conversation.

"Oh, oops…Sorry He-er-Duo, it's hard! I hope we're not going to stay this way!"

"If we do I'll commit a murder-suicide."

"Oh that's mean." He snorted and continued up the stairs.

"Hey! What are you planning now! I don't want this 'alarm clock' crap. I wanna know what you're really up to!" I followed him, taking the stairs two at a time in order to catch up.

"Don't worry about it."

"Duo." I whispered harshly.

"Don't worry about! Now go back downstairs and mingle, so Relena can't blame you for anything." He said pushing me back down the stairs then going up once I was on the floor.

"You're a baka!" I called as I grumbled and walked back into the kitchen, to deal with miss 'Sunshine Heero Worshipper.'

To be continued…