A Time to Heal

Chapter 12

You're Leaving?

(Author's note: I know, I know. I'm getting there :) Two more chapters- maybe three.)

COME in, Kate yelled from the couch when she heard the knock. Lanie opened the door and walked in. She looked over at Kate who was sitting on the couch in her sweats cradling a carton of Chocolate Chunk ice cream on her lap.

"Uh, oh. This is serious," Lanie joked sitting down next to her. Kate handed her a spoon. After taking a bite, Lanie turned to her and said, "So it's about time you called."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you broke up with Castle over two days ago, and you just now decided to tell me?"

"What.. I...who told you that?"

"Javier."

"What! Esposito told you that Castle and I broke up?"

"But how did he... Castle!"

"Whoa, relax. Castle didn't tell him."

Seeing her confused look, Lanie laughed. "Girl, did you really think you could hide something like that? He called me weeks ago to tell me what was going on between you and Castle. Then he called me to tell me that he thought you two broke up." Turning more serious, Lanie said, "I was surprised that you didn't tell me yourself."

Kate put down the spoon. "I'm sorry Lanie. I wanted to tell you, but... "

"But what?"

"If I told you, you would have to tell Esposito and, well I just didn't want everyone to know."

"You could have told me. I wouldn't have told him if you told me not to." Kate could hear the hurt in her voice.

"I know. I'm really am sorry. But it didn't feel right making you keep something like that from him. You guys seem so happy. I didn't want to mess that up for you. If it makes you feel any better, I've been going crazy without you to talk to about it."

"Well," she said. "I guess it does help. A little."

"And I did call you now...that should count for something."

"Yes, you did. Okay. You're forgiven. Now tell Lanie all about it."

She sat there for a minute, not knowing how to start. Then she started talking and everything just tumbled out.

Finally she caught up to the present. "So now, I have to go to work everyday and pretend like everything is okay, but it's not. Everything is so messed up. How could he do this to me, Lanie? He just gave up on us. Why didn't he try harder?"

Lanie looked at her incredulously. "Don't you think you're being a little unfair? I think he could be asking himself the same question, don't you? The way I see it, he tried pretty hard."

"Hey, whose side are you on?"

"Yours. But you know me. I call it like I see it."

"So you think this is my fault?"

"I don't know if it's a matter of fault. I don't think that you can help how you are any more than he is can help who he is. You want what you had, he wants more. He wants a real relationship. You can't blame him for that."

Kate frowned. This conversation wasn't going at all like she thought it was going to. She had envisioned Lanie consoling her and joining her in some good old fashioned male bashing over a carton of ice cream. Instead she was challenging her with some pretty serious opinions.

"You want to know what I think?" Lanie continued. "I think you already know that. Look, I've known you a long time, Kate. This wouldn't be the first time that you've used anger to cover your feelings. Maybe you need to look past that and see what you find."

"That's it? Look past my anger and see what I find? That's your great advice?"

"Yep. That's it. Now, I have to go."

"Hot date with Esposito?"

"You know it!"

"Well, have fun. And thanks Lanie."

"You're very welcome. Call me tomorrow, okay?"

"Sure." She walked Lanie to the door and then went back to the couch and her ice cream. Kate suddenly felt very alone. She thought back to her date with Castle just few days ago and how much fun they had had. Now she was sitting home alone drowning her sorrows in Chocolate. She still couldn't believe how quickly it had all changed.

She thought about what Lanie had said about Castle just wanting a real relationship. Could she blame him for that? No, especially because she wanted that too. More than anything she wanted that and what was worse, she had been so close to having it. She remembered how she had felt the night that she finally broke down and admitted to having feelings for him. She had been so happy when she left his place. She had believed that finally she was going to be able to put her fears behind her and have the kind of love that everyone else took for granted. Fighting back tears, she thought about all that had happened between now and then. It still hurt, knowing that he had given up trying to work things out with her, but she couldn't be angry with him. Lanie was right. He had tried. It might not be her fault, but it wasn't his either. She also knew that she wasn't the only one hurting.

'So what am I going to do about it?' she thought to herself. The answer came easily. They may not be able to have the relationship they wanted, but she knew Castle, and he had always been there. She knew if she told him she wanted to work on their friendship, he would do it. For her. And who knows, maybe one day she would be ready for more. Suddenly she couldn't wait for morning to come so she could talk to him.

MORNING came way too soon for Castle. He had been up half the night doing some serious soul searching. He had come to the conclusion that maybe Kate wasn't as okay as she let on. He was pretty sure that she had been fighting tears when she had rushed off to the bathroom yesterday at work. Because he had been so preoccupied with his own feelings, it hadn't occurred to him until then that she was doing what she always did. Hide. The fact that she was hurting too only made how he felt more complicated. He couldn't help feeling angry that things didn't work out when he had tried so hard, but he also felt incredibly sad. On top of that he felt guilty that he had and inadvertently hurt her.

He had to remind himself that she had warned him that she wasn't ready for a relationship, but he had pushed anyway, foolishly thinking that love conquers all.

Sadly, reality had proven him wrong.

He had once said that friend or more, he needed her in his life. That too had been foolish thinking. He wasn't sure if he was able to go back to just being friends with her, even if she was willing. He had planned on being her one and done and he was having a hard time getting used to the fact that he wasn't going to be. He thought that if he spent some time away from her, maybe he could be more objective and figure out how and if she could be a part of his life.

It was with that thought in mind that he nervously knocked on the Captain's office door.

"Come in."

"Good morning, Captain. Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Of course." She motioned to the chair across from her desk. "Sit down. What can I do for you?"

"I know I haven't been here long. At least not officially. But I would like to request some time off. I have some... personal things I need to take care of."

"Some personal things?" she asked. The way she said it made him think that Esposito and Ryan may not be the only ones who knew about him and Kate.

She looked at him for a long time, obviously trying to make up her mind whether or not to grant his request.

"I have found that employees whose minds are elsewhere can't do their job effectively. I need your mind here Mr. Castle. So yes, take your few days to figure out your 'personal' issues. But when you come back, I need you 100% here. Do I make myself clear?"

"Crystal clear. Thank you, Captain."

He left her office and went to find Ryan and Esposito. He wanted to tell them personally about his decision.

A half an hour later, Kate walked into the station. She looked over and was surprised to see the light in Castle's office was off. He was usually here before she was. She didn't mind though, because it gave her time to prepare herself emotionally to talk to him about her thoughts from the night before. She went to find Esposito and Ryan. She stopped when she saw them standing with Castle. They looked like they were having a serious conversation. Just as she walked up, Castle shook Esposito's hand and then gave Ryan a 'man' hug. When she heard Esposito say "Take care, man," she felt her stomach drop.

She looked at each of them. "What's going on? Everything okay?"

When both Ryan and Esposito turned to Castle, she did too.

"Castle?"

"I was just telling the guys, I'm taking some time off."

"You're leaving?"

"Yeah. I think it's best if I get away for a while. I need to figure some things out."

Before she could say anything, he said goodbye and walked out.

She looked at the Ryan and Esposito in shock. "Did he say when he's coming back?"

"Don't know. He's not sure if he is coming back." They both looked bothered by the thought and went back to work, talking to each other about what had just occurred. Kate walked slowly back to her desk and sat down. She looked up just in time to see Castle step into the elevator. Right before the doors shut, he looked up and their eyes met. Then he was gone.

"YOU'RE leaving?" Alexis asked, surprised.

"Just for a little while. I'm going to head to the Hamptons. Maybe do some writing."

"It's because of Kate, isn't it?"

Martha was concerned about his decision. "Are you sure about this? Running away isn't like you."

"I'm not running away, Mother. I just need time to think. Decide what I want to do."

"I'm coming with you, Dad. Give me twenty minutes to pack."

"I appreciate the thought, but I really want some time alone."

She looked unhappy about it, but didn't push the issue. "I'll go pack you some food for the trip." He smiled at her as she rushed into the kitchen.

"So the Captain's okay with you taking time off?" Martha asked.

"Yep. Cleared it with her this morning."

"And you're sure this is what you want to do?"

"Yes Mother, I'm sure. I promised Kate that she wouldn't lose my friendship, but right now I can't keep that promise. Maybe that makes me selfish, but I think I deserve to be a little selfish right now. I think it will be better for both of us in the long run to step back and decide what we want without the emotional strain of trying to figure out how to work around each other."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"Do you regret it?"

"Regret what?"

"Trying to make a relationshiop work with Kate. Knowing what you know now."

Before he could answer, Alexis came bounding back in. "When are you leaving?"

"First thing in the morning. So if you ladies will excuse me, I have to go pack."