Chapter 12

Kate slept in late the next morning, trusting that Ryan would inform her if anything happened. She went back to the same restaurant, this time just ordering pancakes and coffee.

Bobbi stopped by the table. "Feeling better this morning Kate?"

Kate smiled up at her. "Yes I am. I have my plan in place and I'm going to fix things today!"

"Today?" Bobbi asked incredulously.

Kate's open smile cheered Bobbi. "Yes, today. He's here in town and I'm going to see him. I'm going to repair all the damage I did, because I can't bear the thought of my life without him in it."

After breakfast Kate checked in with task force command. They said to come in later and pick up her briefing. It would be on a one use CD. Individual personal, detailed briefings were not necessary at this point.

She then went shopping. She was going to hit Rick with everything she had. She had no intention of leaving his room anytime tonight, except going out for dinner. Her first stop was at a Victoria's Secret where she bought a deep purple negligee a matching push-up bra and bikini panties. Next she located an upscale boutique and bought a purple silk blouse with a plunging neckline and a black pencil skirt. She completed her spree with a pair of strappy sling-backs.

This has to work. My bank account is becoming seriously depleted, she thought.

When Kate got back to her motel, she checked with Ryan.

"He went out for his morning run then went to a local gym to work out. Hit the range for about an hour and he bought some lunch. He's in his room now," Ryan reported.

One of the things Kate really liked about her room was that it had a full tub. She ran a bath, added her favorite bubbles and bath oils and lay back to soak.

She shampooed her hair, rinsed, dried, and styled it, and then took plenty of time to carefully apply her make-up and apply the perfume that Rick loved.

She dressed and checked her watch. Four o'clock. It was time. Early enough that they could have their talk and still have time for dinner, late enough that he probably wouldn't be heading out.

She called Esposito and told him to go on back to the motel, she was taking over shadowing Castle.

A brisk breeze had come up, so Kate donned a light outer coat. She parked the Mustang and started getting butterflies in her stomach as she approached Rick's door. Her face flushed as she knocked.

"Who's there?" she heard Rick growl.

"Rick. It's me, Kate. Please open the door. I need to talk with you." There was a moment's pause, and then he spoke, his voice tight.

"Go away Beckett. I don't want to talk to you."

"Rick, either you open that door and let me in or I'll pound on it and make a hell of a scene out here."

Reluctantly, Castle opened the door. "What do you want Beckett? I can't play your mind games any longer."

She pushed past him, striding into his room and turning to face him, her arms crossed. "I've got a lot to say and I'm not leaving until I say it."

He looked at her coldly and said, "What if I don't want to hear it?"

She stepped forward, put out her hand and touched his cheek. He recoiled slightly, but she followed, keeping her hand on his face. "Rick, if you can look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't love me anymore, I'll leave. It will break my heart but I'll leave. If you can't do that, then sit and hear me out."

He dropped his eyes, and then raised them. There was a maelstrom of emotion there, anger and fear and pain and love chasing themselves around the cerulean depths of his eyes. "Kate, I…. I can't do that."

She smiled and said, "I didn't think you could, because, despite how it may seem, I love you. More than that, I'm in love with you. I never knew how much until I stepped off that plane and you weren't there."

She took off her coat and tossed it onto a chair. He raised his eyebrows at her ensemble, failing to hide the flare of heat in his eyes, but otherwise made no move towards her. She clasped her hands in front of her and took a deep breath.

"Will you please hear me out all the way before you say anything?"

Castle hesitated long enough for Kate's anxiety level to hit the ceiling, his eyes searching hers intently. Finally, almost grudgingly, he nodded. Kate let out a breath of relief. He might not have been altogether willing, but he would listen.

Kate opened her mouth and froze. Her carefully rehearsed speech flew out of her head, and she simply stared at Castle, struggling for the words to make him understand, to ask him to forgive. Castle raised one eyebrow.

"Well?"

"I'm an idiot," Kate blurted out. Castle raised both eyebrows this time, but kept silent. This was Kate's explanation, and though Castle was determined not to just accept what she said and open his arms to her, he was interested in hearing her. Those words, however, he hadn't anticipated. He folded his arms.

"I'm not an idiot because I was interested in the job or even that I accepted it," Kate began. Castle stiffened and started to turn away. Kate grabbed his arm, turning him back to her.

"Rick, please. I'm trying to apologize. You and I both know the job was a great opportunity, something that I've thought about a lot before. It was a great career move, even you have to admit that. But the way I handled it wasn't great." She sighed, her eyes dropping to her hand resting on Castle's arm. "I was an idiot because I thought it was about me doing something for myself. I thought I needed to see where it went or I would feel something was missing in our relationship."

She turned away to pace, finally looking at Castle again. She bit her lip. "I forgot that it was about our relationship. I've never been in a relationship like ours, Rick, something so deep. I've never had my best friend as my boyfriend. I…I messed up. I shouldn't have taken the interview or accepted the job without talking to you, without thinking about what it meant for us. We could've decided together that it was something I should do, and we could've made a plan for working out how to handle long distance. Or I could've realized that what I would give up for it wasn't worth it."

She paused to take in a shaky breath. "The more I worked as an agent, the more I realized how much I missed being a cop. To be an agent there is about politics, not about the victims or justice or putting the bad guys away. And I missed seeing everyone, Espo and Ryan, Alexis and Martha, even Gates. And…you. Especially you. And then when I heard about what you were doing, I knew what had to be done." She shrugged her shoulders. "I quit and came to find you."

Castle blinked in shock. She'd…quit? Just like that? And if he was getting what she was saying, then she'd quit…for him, and everything in her life that she'd missed. He'd never imagined Kate Beckett, stubborn and determined, leaving what she'd thought she really wanted. But that was the ticket, wasn't it? What she thought she really wanted. He didn't know just yet what his reaction was going to be, but he could feel his shell of anger softening towards her, just a little.

"So it's not Agent Beckett anymore?"

She made a face. "It's not, but I have to play one for a last-minute thing. But as soon as it's done, I'm Detective Beckett again." She gazed at him thoughtfully. "Detective Beckett's a better person than Agent Beckett was. Detective Beckett gets justice for her victims and does her utmost to put the bad guys away. Detective Beckett has loyal friends and loves the little pizza place near the entrance to Central Park." She moved closer to Castle. "And Detective Beckett has a wonderful man in her life who's worth more than any job."

Her eyes searched Castle's, and he returned the gaze steadily. Kate's face fell slightly when he didn't say anything, and she wrapped her arms around herself. "Well, she had one at any rate. Whether or not she does now…well, that's up to you."

She stepped even closer and held out her hand. Castle paused for a long moment, staring down at her familiar, slightly callused hand. He wanted to believe what she was saying, but she'd hurt him so badly…He looked back up at her face, but his hand remained stubbornly by his side. Kate's face fell, and she dropped her head. He heard her take a slow, hitching breath, and then she raised her eyes to his again. He was shocked at the tears standing in her eyes, but even more so by the hand that she had never dropped and now raised even higher towards him. He found himself wondering what his daughter would say about what Kate had said to him, and almost wanted to laugh at the image in his head of Alexis, hand on her hip, saying, 'Just listen, Dad! You owe her that for the shenanigans she's put up with from you over the years!" He let out a breath and gently took her hand.

Kate clasped his hand tightly, tears welling in her eyes. She refused to let them fall. She was not finished until he accepted her apology and her love. She was fairly sure about the love thing, but getting him to accept and forgive…that was another story. She looked up at him, her eyes mapping the planes of his face, before she continued.

"Rick, I know I was unfair. I know this has been hard on you. When you proposed and I couldn't think of what to say, I know you thought I was rejecting you. But that's not it, Rick, not at all! I just couldn't believe that you weren't breaking up with me, and that you would actually want to marry me, given our less than stellar track record. Granted, I'm no deep-fried Twinkie, so there is that..."

Castle smiled at that, and Kate flashed a quick grin, but it faded as she got back to the problem at hand. "I, well, I just…" She sighed. "Rick, I wanted to scream out 'Yes!' from the rooftops, but I knew you were still angry that I didn't tell you about the job before, and I knew how badly I'd been behaving…" She reached for Castle's other hand and studied their entwined fingers for a long moment before she looked back up at him again.

"If the offer still stands, then I have a definite and very positive answer," she said softly. "I love you more than anything in this world, and it's killing me to have this distance between us. So tell me, Rick, can you possibly forgive me? Can you accept my apology that I screwed up and that I'm so infinitely sorry? Do you still want to marry me?"

Castle's fingers tightened on hers as he stared into her eyes for several long moments. For once, locked in her own emotional turmoil, Kate couldn't read him. Finally he let out a breath and said, "Well, Kate, I have answers to your questions."