Disclaimer: I don't own Monterey jack shit!


Ho, Ho, Ho! MERRRRRRRRRY CHRISTMAAAAAAAAS, EVERYBODYYYYYYYY! I hope all of you had a nice holiday, because I KNOW I did! Anyway, welcome back! Last we left off, the stars had already picked up their liquors and porno mags. Let's join up with Stone Cold and JR as they've hit the open road…

Stone Cold's driving and JR turns to him and asks, "Hey Steve, can we git' something to eat? I'm hungrier than a pet coon!"

Austin replies, "Sure son, wait'll we hit the right exit, we'll get something!"

JR shakes his head, as he thinks back to what Natalya did to him, "Steve, do you know what Natalya did? I thought she was trying to be her normal sweet, helpful self-she offered to help me find the porno mag, but instead, she pointed me toward the back corridor area. Steve, I got lost and it was about 15 minutes before I could find my way back to the store!"

Austin nods, "Ah…so THAT'S what happened to you? You know, I THOUGHT I heard someone yelling 'help' from right on the other side of the wall, but I ain't think nuthin' of it."

JR says, "Well, li'l miss…Natalya better pray that I'm not made GM!"

Steve smirks, "Gonna' git'er, huh JR?"

"Ha! Damn straight! You know what? I think I just MIGHT put her in a blindfold match—yeah, it's BEEN a while since the last one of those, but I think its time has come AGAIN! Whadd'you think, Steve?"

Autin shrugs and replies, "Hell son, if someone played ME like that, you'd better believe I'd be in their ass like a damn suppository, son—in fact, they'd change my NAME to 'The Stone Cold Suppository, Steve Austin' And THAT'S the bottom LINE, because Stone Cold SAYS so!"

JR furrows his brow, thinking for a second. He says, "Uh…Steve? I don't think you'd want to be called a suppository, do you?"

Steve answers, "Ya' damn RIGHT I do! Some mealy-mouth sum'bitch tries to make a fool out of Stone Cold? ENH-ENH! I'm gonna' git' up in EVERYBODY'S ass if things don't change! I'm gonna' spend each day diving in and out of peoples' asses! I'm gonna' go up one ass—WHAAAT?, two asses—WHAAT, three asses—WHAAAT, asses, asses, and MORE asses—JR, Ol' Stone Cold's gonna' be SURROUNDED by asses!"

JR, wisely changing the subject back to where it was, adds, "Uh…yeah ok, Steve. But I was thinking that if I get that GM spot—even IF it's only for one night—I'd put Miss Natalya in a blindfold match against..I dunno…David Otunga, or some other asshat running around the WWE locker rooms. THAT'LL teach her all she needs to know about not knowing where she IS!"

"What?"

Steve, didn't you hear what I was just saying?"

"…What?"

"Ahh, nevermind."

Austin just smiles back at JR as he keeps driving on.


Ok, now let's join up with Santino and Alberto, who need to get some gas…

Alberto's looking around, frustrated that he can't find a gas station around anywhere. He pounds the steering wheel and says, "DAMN it! Why can I no fine a gas station around here anywhere? When I don't need any gas, they're EVERYWHERE, but when I need gas, eh—they all disappear it seems!"

Santino advises, "Calm down, Alberto. We just pass the sign with the-eh gasolines on it. It's supposed to be up ahead about 10 miles, e-yesssss."

Alberto repeats, "What? 10 miles? I'm bordering on EMPTY, puto! I just hope this car can make the trip!"

So, they travel along the stretch for about 10 miles, and, sure enough, a Sunoco station appears in the distance. Alberto says, "Ok, there's the gas station—looks like we're gonna'—"

Just then, the car starts coughing and sputtering. Santino says, "No, no, please Mr . Car! Don't Eh-DOOOO thissss."

Alberto, panicking, says, "Yeah, what HE said—pleeeeease senor car, don't DOOOOO theeees!"

But it's too late. Alberto pulls over to the side of the road as the car runs out of gas and he looks over at Santino saying, "Well, looks like we'll have to poosh the car. I see no other way."

So, now Santino and Alberto push the car about a mile up the road toward the gas station. While they were pushing their car, Natalya and Sheamus go whizzing by. As they were passing them, Natalya yells out, "SEE YOU LATER, LOSERS, AHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

Santino runs out in the middle of the road to shake his fist at her but gets honked at LOUDLY by an oncoming truck and he quickly dives to the side of the road. Alberto looks at him and says, "C'mon, get up you fool! Finish helping me poosh this car!"

So Santino grumbles under his breath as he helps Alberto push the car up to the station.


We'll leave them to…that and we'll now join up with CM Punk and Kofi…

CM looks strangely at Kofi and asks, "Dude, seriously…are you SURE you don't smell any garlic?"

Kofi shakes his head and says, "Absolutely not, mon. Me smell NO garlic."

CM explains, "I'm sorry to keep asking you, but it's like, ever since we left the hotel this morning, I've been smelling garlic every time I'm around…you."

Kofi says, "Well mon, I don't know what to tell you. I mean, I EAT a lot of things with garlic in it, maybe that's where the smell is coming from?"

CM looks at Kofi, turns away, and then looks at him again, "See? No, that CAN'T be it. I mean, we haven't even had breakfast yet today and I KNOW we didn't take anything into our hotel rooms to eat, or anything. I just can't figure out why I'm smelling GARLIC like this."

Kofi rolls his eyes and says, "Look, things could always be worse, mon—I mean, 'tink about it—you could be smelling sheet, or something like that. All you're smelling is garlic—something very tasty and fragrant."

CM nods and says, "Yeah, I get your point, it's just that it's getting a bit annoying, is all. And I'm just trying to get to the bottom of it."

Kofi tries to keep from laughing, but at the same time, he knows CM—when he's trying to figure something out, he's like a pitbull-he won't stop fighting until the opponent is destroyed, or in this case, until the case is solved.

Kofi, still not admitting what he did, says, "Ok mon, I'll help you as best I can, but me still don't smell any garlic."


Last, but not least, we rejoin Natalya and Sheamus, as they've found a Bob Evans restaurant…

Natalya looks at the menu and says, "Damn, I'm hungry enough to eat the horse you rode in on, Shame, hahahahaa."

Sheamus smiles and says, "hmm…I think I'm gonna get a couple burgers and some fries."

Natalya raises an eyebrow and asks, "Um, are you…SURE you want that this time of morning? It's only 9, dude."

Sheamus, playing tough-guy, says, "C'mon, Natalyaaaaa…C'moooooooon, hahahaha! I'm the Celtic WARRIOR! Now, I'm having my cheeseburgers and we're gonna' roll!"

Natalya shrugs and says, "I guess I'll have bacon, eggs, Texas toast and grits."

The waitress comes and takes their orders and she says, "Ooohhhkaaay…I'll be right back with your orders."

So, after a few minutes, the waitress returns with their orders—Natalya, with her sensible breakfast and Sheamus, with his 3 half-pound bacon-cheeseburgers with fries and a soda that's half Coke, half Sprite. (WTF?)

Natalya eats her breakfast uneasily as she watches Sheamus literally INHALE his sandwiches and fries—not to mention, he's actually done eating BEFORE Natalya! Natalya finishes her grits and eats her last piece of bacon.

THIS time, they go up and pay. Natalya leaves the waitress a decent tip and they get in the "car". Before they pull off, Sheamus looks at the bag from the porn shop and asks, "Hey Natalya, if I 'm not stepping on anything, may I ask you a personal question?"

Natalya shrugs and says, "Hm…MY life's an open book, anyone can ask me anything!"

Sheamus asks, "Well, I've been wondrin', lass—about the cellphones you picked up from that store back there. Don't you already have a cellphone?"

She nods and says, "Of course, I do, silly." She reaches down and pulls the phones out of the bag and says, "Ok see, these are SPECIAL phones that you can't actually TALK on, but there's a number programmed into them that you can actually DIAL!"

Sheamus shakes his head in confusion, "I'm sorry lass, I don't quite follow. Why would you buy a phone that you can't actually talk into? I understand the part about the number being dialed and all, but why—"

Natalya says, "Ok, let me explain—these phones ONLY ring—that's it. There's no shutting off the setting, either. But the BEST part is that, when the phone rings, it vibrates—and much more vigorously than a regular cellphone. NOW do you get it? I USED to have to use my regular cellphone, but Alicia Foxx turned me onto these things, she said that she and her boyfriend use them all the time."

Sheamus nods his head in understanding, but he also has kind of an icky thought—he just remembered why her phone 'smelled so funny', as he put it, after he finished using it to check in with his wife after they left the club the night previous. He curled his top lip slightly and replied, "Ah…I see, lass."

Natalya continues, "Oh, hahahaha…Alicia told me that, she lives next to an elderly lady, right? Ok, one time when she and her boyfriend were teasing one another one night, her neighbor kept hearing what SHE thought was Alicia's phone ringing off the hook. Alicia said that she must've forgot to lock the door because the old lady came to try and stop the phone from ringing and all she found was Alicia tied up by her wrists and ankles to her bedposts-naked, with a cellphone between her legs. And her boyfriend was in his boxers with a bow-tie around his neck holding the other cellphone! Shame, can YOU say 'deer in the headlights'? HA!"

Sheamus laughs a little shaking his head as he drives off. He mutters, "Crazy kids and their...toys…"


We'll cut this one off right here, thanks for tuning in, but don't forget to tune in next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!