Chapter 9 Pioneer Day with a President
"Um, Bea, what's going on?" I asked her, unaware of what was happening around me. She muttered something I couldn't quite make out. "It's Pioneer Day." She said through gritted teeth. And then she relaxed. "I'm going to hang with Wendy and the crew. Wanna come? Or would you rather hang with the twins?" She asked me with a knowing smile. I nodded and she left. We were in the town square, where everything was transformed. "Dipper! Mabel!" I exclaimed, running over to them. They waved at me. We looked around. "Why's that guy marrying a woodpecker?" I asked curiously. "Oh yeah. In Gravity Falls, it used to be legal to merry a woodpecker." Dipper explained. "It still is. Very legal." The guy said. "Ooooookkkaaaayy." I said, stretching the word out. We looked around the transformed Gravity Falls. "Is it just me, or did you guys imagine that this would be what the town looked like when your parents told you about it?" I blurted out unknowingly until Mabel and Dipper answered me. "Yeah." They answered in unison. "Grunkle Stan, can we go look around?" Mabel asked Mr. Pines. "Alright." He answered, as Mabel and Dipper fist-pumped the air. I giggled silently. Or at least tried to. "But if you come back talking like these people, remember, you're dead to me!" Stan said as Mabel, Dipper and I started doing impressions of the people. "DEAD TO ME!" He called after us. We ran off laughing. "Nice nacho earrings."I said to Mabel, noticing them. "Thanks." She said, smiling.
"Here ye, here ye! The olde commencement ceremony is about to commence!" Sheriff Blubbs called out from the stage. Then Pacifica took the stage. "Howdy everyone! You all know me," Pacifica said. "Although some of us would prefer not to." I muttered under my breath while Mabel giggled at my remark. "Pacifica Northwest, great-great granddaughter of town founder, Nathaniel Northwest. I'm also very rich." She said, getting some applause. I rolled my eyes. "Now if you've got the pioneer spirit, we ask you to come on up and introduce yourselves." Pacifica said. Mabel gasped. "Audience participation!" Mabel squealed, running up to the stage before I could stop her. I winced when she made it up there. "And our first newcomer is...Mabel." Pacifica said, poison in her voice. When we were at the party, Pacifica met Grenda, Candy and Mabel and took a disliking to them immediately. She's just jealous they have what she doesn't. "Yeah! Let's get this pioneer day started! right guys? USA! USA!" Mabel chanted. "I'm sorry to break it to you, but Pioneer Day is for serious people, and you look and act ridiculous. I mean, a puppy playing basketball? Are you always this silly?" Pacifica asked her, making sure that no one could hear her. She didn't do a good job of it though. "I can be serious." Mabel said, trying to make a serious face but failing. "You do have nachos hanging from your ears hon." Pacifica said, smirking at Mabel. I scowled, wanting to save Mabel...but I knew I couldn't. "Wow, I'm embarrassed for you." She said after Mabel clutched her nachos. "Give her a hand everybody!" Pacifica said to the crowd. I glared at her. Unfortunately the diva didn't notice me.
"Hey you okay Mabel?" Dipper asked her. "May, you okay?" I asked as well. She frowned. "I need some olde-timey butterscotch." She said sadly.
"Guys, can I ask you something? Do you guys think I'm silly?" Mabel asked us, eating butterscotch. "No?" Dipper said uncertainly. Mabel sighed, lowering her head. "I knew it. I thought I was being charming, but I guess I'm just a joke." She said, taking off the earrings and her sweater. "Mabel, you love that sweater. Are you seriously going to let Pacifica No-Brains Northwest ruin that for you?" I said, trying to lighten up Mabel with the nickname she made up for Pacifica. She didn't even try to smile. "Yes. She ruins everything!" Mabel said dejectedly. "Ugh, Pacifica! Why does she think that being related to the town founder means that she gets to treat everyone like garbage?! Someone needs to put her in her place." Dipper said angrily at Nathaniel's statue. Then I remembered. One day while looking through the journal, I came across a page. "Dipper! The journal!" I said, pointing to the pocket in which Dipper kept the journal.
"Oh man, if this is true then that means Pacifica's whole family is a fraud! This could be a major conspiracy!" I said excitedly. Dipper nodded. "Mabel, you in?" I asked her hopefully. "Are conspiracies serious?" She asked, a hint of a smile on her face. "Oh yeah, definitely." Dipper said as I nodded. She smiled. "Count me in! If I help solve this case, no one could ever call me silly again!" Mabel said excitedly. I smiled at her, grateful that she seemed to be regaining her quirky passion Pacifica had diminished not long ago.
We decided to start our investigation at the Gravity Falls Public Library. Old Man McGucket was reading, if you can even call it that, to some kids. Mostly, he was eating the book. Gross. "Alright guys. If we can finally prove Nathan Northwest wasn't the founder of Gravity Falls, it'll finally put Pacifica in her place." Dipper said, determined. "And solving the mystery will prove that I'm not silly. I'm serious." Mabel said, eating a butterscotch candy without hands, which I found pretty impressive, to be honest. Dipper got some slides and a projector and we proceeded to decipher the symbols. "Lighting the parchment of fire will reveal the secret message!" Dipper said. I raised my eyebrows skeptically. "It's so obvious." Mabel said next to me. "Are you sure?" I asked them, still skeptical. Dipper nodded, bringing the flame closer to him. Mabel, meanwhile, had turned the paper into a hat then chastised herself for being silly. "No, Mabel look! It's a map!" I said. "And I was gonna burn it." Dipper said. "Yep," I said, nodding. Suddenly, a bell rang out as we turned to see Sheriff Blubbs and Deputy Durland at the front desk. "Maybe we should take this elsewhere," Dipper said. "You think?" I asked sarcastically. He gave me a dead look as I smiled. "This map will take us to, the Gravity Falls Museum of History." Mabel said.
We escaped unnoticed by the officers. "You realize what this means guys. We're gonna have to, break in." Dipper said dramatically. "And those are your free Pioneer Day passes, and your balloons, blue, and pink. Would you like a blue?" The lady asked me, since they were out of pink. "No thanks ma'am." I said politely. She nodded and left. "We're in." Dipper said, in the same dramatic voice as I rolled my eyes. "What are we gonna do next? Steal Thomas Jefferson's rib cage?" Mabel asked, not joking. "Yes." I said. "No. According to the map, the next clue about the real town founder shoulder be right, here." Dipper replied. We looked at a picture that looked like it made no sense. Finally, Mabel and I went to sit over at a bench. She sat upside down. "Hey painting, be less stupid. Oh! It worked!" Mabel said. Huh? Dipper and I mimicked her pose, as the picture finally made sense. "Wait! It's not abstract, it's upside down." Dipper said, finally making sense of the picture. "I think I've seen that statue in the cemetery," I said, remembering it from the scary movie marathon. "Let's go!" Dipper exclaimed, jumping up, as Mabel and I did too. Boy, was that ever a wrong move. It felt like when I woke up after a nightmare. We bolted out the front door with the officers hot in pursuit.
"Hmm. The statue must be pointing to the next clue." Dipper said, thinking about the possibilities of what the clue may be. "Ah, gross! She's picking my nose!" Mabel said, laughing. I chuckled. Suddenly the statue's finger bent, revealing a secret passageway. "Mabel look!" Dipper said. "Who's silly now Pacifica?" Mabel thought aloud, freeing herself from the statue's grasp.
"Now we're getting into real conspiracy mode. I feel so serious." Mabel said while walking down the stairs. "Okay. Look out for booby traps." Dipper said while Mabel chuckled. I looked around, careful not to set any off. I didn't wanna die with poisonous darts slowly taking over my body. Unfortunately, Mabel set off this alarm. We ran for our dear lives, leading each other into the darkness. We slid down a small slide through a spider web. I brushed it off as quickly as possible. And then I looked up. "Woah." I said, astounded at what I saw. "It's a treasure trove of historicky secrety things." Mabel said, snooping around as I looked with her. Apparently, Abe Lincoln had a hand on his head, hence the stove top hat, and good Ol' Ben Franklin secretly was a woman. "Jackpot!" Dipper said, shining his flashlight on a document which had the words, "NORTHWEST COVER-UP" on it with an official U.S. seal. Awesome! I was anxious to get my hands on the precious document. While Dipper barely skimmed the passage, i read it all, and let's just say I was going to try saying the Pledge of Allegiance backwards once I got home.
"The true founder of Gravity Fails was Sir Lord Quentin Trembley III Esq." Dipper said confusion in his voice. As well as in all of our expressions. "Who's Quentin Trembley? " Mabel asked aloud. "That's none of your business!" A voice called out from behind us. It was none other than Sheriff Blubbs and Deputy Durland. The deputy passed out on the floor, from one too many darts.
"I hate to do this, but Quentin Trembley is a matter of national security," The sheriff said, while Durland was still trying to recover from the darts. "What do you mean 'national security'?" Dipper asked. "Yeah, and who's Quentin Trembley?" I asked, curious. "See for yourself." Sheriff Blubbs sad, pulling an old film reel from his hat and placing it on an old projector. "Agh, black-and-white?" Mabel complained, as Dipper and i tried to shush her.
"If you're watching this, then you are one of eight people in these here united states with clearance to watch this video. In fact, I myself will be shocked as soon as the filming is complete. Huh? No? Well, that's a relief. Of all of America's secrets, the most embarrassing was that of Quentin Trembley, the eighth-and-a-half President of the United States. After winning the 1837 election in a landslide, Quentin quickly gained a reputation as America's silliest President. he waged war on pancakes, appointed six babies to the Supreme Court, and issued the Depantsimation Proclamation. His State of the union speech was even worse. 'The only thing we have to fear is gigantic, man-eating spiders!' He was kicked out of office and sent to an uncharted area he called Gravity Falls...after plummeting into it at high-speed. Trembley's shameful term was erased from history and was officially replaced by William Henry Harrison as President, and local nobody, Nathaniel Northwest as founder of Gravity Falls. The remains of President Trembley's body, are unknown." The tape finished saying, as another one began. "Until now," Sheriff Blubbs said, pointing to Quentin inside a case of a yellow substance that seemed to have preserved him pretty well. "Woah," I said, walking up to it to inspect it further. "Is that like, amber or something?" Dipper asked. The sheriff's reply was curt. "Fool thought he could live forever by encasing himself in a block of solid peanut brittle! Smooth move, Mr. President!" He said it with a mixture of disgust and pity. "Finding Trembley's body was our special mission. And now, thanks to you, it's complete." Sheriff Blubbs said, content. Wait, how did they even fined us? "Who knew all we had to do was follow a little girl's trail of candy wrappers." Deputy Durland said, obviously feeling better. Oh, so that's how, I thought, as Mabel chastised herself, and face palmed herself for her mistake."Now that you know the truth,well, we can't let you go on talking about it." Blubbs said, sending a wave of fear over all three of us. "Does that mean...are you going to...kill us?!" Dipper, Mabel and I all chained our thoughts into a sentence. "Oh good heavens, no!" Deputy Durland said, much to our relief. We all let out a breath we didn't know we were all holding. "We're just going to escort you and all this tuff back to Washington. You ain't coming back, by the way." Sheriff Blubbs said, pointing to us. We exchanged horrified glances.
Pretty soon, we found ourselves in a crate with Trembley's body. "Anyone there? Help! Help! Help! Hey! Hey! Hey! Let us out!" Mabel and Dipper shouted, banging their fists against the wood. I sighed. "Give it up guys, no one's coming for us." I said dejectedly. "Ugh. I can't believe I left a trail of candy wrappers. This is all my fault." Mabel said, slumping down next to me. "Pacifica had me pegged all along," She continued. "I'm just an embarrassment like that stupid President, what's-his-name." She finished. "No you're not Mabel." I said, trying to comfort her. She took some peanut brittle from Trembley's tomb and ate it, when the whole thing started crumbling until...it collapsed. "It is I, Quentin Trembley," The President said, ripping off his pants, leaving him only in his underwear. I cringed. "You're alive!" Dipper exclaimed. "But...how?" I asked skeptically. Mabel smiled like a maniac, but I was glad to see her so happy. "Peanut brittle really does have life-sustaining properties," Mabel said in awe. "You're not silly, you're brilliant!" Mabel exclaimed, a huge grin on her face. "And so are you, dear girl. For following my clues, and freeing my from my delicious tomb." Quentin said. "He's right, you know." I added from beside her. Dipper nodded. "Your silliness cracked a code that serious cops couldn't crack for a hundred years!" He exclaimed. "Oh, stop it." Mabel said, blushing from our praise. "By Jefferson! We seem to be locked in some sort of crate-shaped box." Quentin said in surprise. "It is a crate, Mr. President." Mabel said politely. "Good thing I have the President's Key, which can open any lock in America!" He exclaimed, producing a key from inside the coat. "How's he going to get us out of here again?" I whispered to Dipper, who just shrugged and made an 'I don't know' noise. After many futile attempts with the key, we all put our heads together to come up with the silliest plan ever to get us out of here. And it was silly all right. "I don't think that's gonna work." Dipper said. "Trust the silliness!" Mabel said, as she and Trembley pushed their index fingers through a hole in the wood. Suddenly there was a pecking sound, and that one board came loose. From there, the crate collapsed! "Come on! We have to get out of here!" I said, as Dipper picked up the confidential papers he somehow managed to sneak aboard without the cops noticing. We ran out of the luggage cart of the train, only to come face-to-face with Durland and Blubbs.
Immediately we slammed the door shut and ran for our lives. We climber up the emergency exit on to the top of the train, only to realize we were stuck...with Blubbs and Durland! "There is...no...escape!" Blubbs said, panting from our short run. "Sheriff Blubbs. Do you really want to lock us all up in a government facility somewhere?" Dipper exclaimed, trying to talk over the wind. "I've got no choice. All orders come from the very top!" He said, a bit angrily, as he recovered from his previous run. "Wait! Quentin! Did you ever sign an official resignation?" I asked Quentin, an idea forming in my head. "No ma'am, I did not! I ate a salamander and jumped out the window." He said, talking over the wind as well. Yes! "Then...technically...you're still legally the President of the United States! Right?" didn't know of this was true or not, but I had to convince the cops I knew what I was talking about. "You have to answer to this guy now!" I said triumphantly to the cops, pointing at Quentin. The cops looked confused, as if they didn't comprehend what I just said. "As President of these several United States, I hereby order you to pretend none of this ever happened! A-And go on a delightful vacation! OW! Yes!" Quentin said, after getting hurt. "Vacation? What place have you always wanted to visit?" Blubbs asked Durland. "Silly Water Fun Slides in Grand Lakes, Michigan!" The cops said in unison. They laughed giddily.
"Bye-bye now! Bye-bye!" They said, heading off towards there destination after dropping us off back at Gravity Falls. "You've done a great service to your country, Mabel. As thanks, I'd like to make you an official U.S. Congressman!" Quentin said, giving Mabel a black top hat. "I'm legalizing everything!" Mabel exclaimed. "Uh, I'm not so sure that's how it works, Mabel." I said. "Sssh. Just let her enjoy her moment." Dipper said, next to me."And Roderick," Quentin said to Dipper. I stifled a chuckled as Dipper tried to correct him, but failed. "You my dear boy are on your way to unlocking the mysteries of this great land. So, I'm giving you my President's Key." Quentin said, giving Dipper the key. "And you my dear girl. Oh, Cosette, I believe this belongs to you." Quentin said, handing me a silver chain with a locket attached to it. "What? B-but how did you...huh?" I stammered and trailed off, just accepting the locket. "Thank you." I said, as Quentin nodded. It was my great-great grandmother's necklace.
"And then he chased me around and spanked me with a paddle for like three hours. Bottom line, George Washington was a jerk." Quentin said, telling us tales of his life as we walked back to the fair. "Agreed." Mabel said, still wearing her new hat. There were some girls in the distance, playing, running with ropes around a pole, and one girl tripped. Next thing you know, she's being dragged away by Pacifica's clones. We approached her. "Hey Pacifica! I uncovered a conspiracy about the eighth-and-a-half President of the United States! Who's silly now?" Mabel asked her, with a triumphant smile on her face. "What? Who is that idiot?" Pacifica said, referring to Quentin. "Put up your dukes, you bald fiend!" He yelled, chasing a bald eagle. I think. "The eighth-and-a-half President of America. I know what you're thinking. 'How is he still alive?' Well, it turns out you can hibernate in peanut brittle-" Mabel was cut off by Pacifica's all too fake laughter. "Wow, you really are a sad, dumb little girl. Nice top hat, by the way." Pacifica said. Her parents laughed. I am so not letting this happen! "And you're a fake, spoiled little girl. Nice dye job, by the way." I said, smirking. Dipper chuckled, and gave me a high five. "Whatever." Pacifica sneered. "Ooh, looks like your car is stuck in the mud. Enjoy walking home!" Pacifica said. I was about to say something right back, when Mabel stopped me. "Are you just going to let her walk away?" I asked Mabel. "Yeah, aren't you going to tell her about her great-grandfather?" Dipper asked her in a shushed tone. "You know what guys? I've got nothing to prove. I've learned that being silly is awesome!" Mabel said, putting on her sweater. I smiled. "Well I haven't learned anything!" Dipper said. I motioned for him to go to the car, I already had my crack at her. He whistled, and the car stopped. "Hey Pacifica! Nathaniel Northwest didn't found Gravity Falls and your whole family is a sham. Deal with it." I heard Dipper say. I smirked as Pacifica whined to her mother. "Man, revenge s underrated, that felt awesome!" Dipper said. I laughed. "Oh, it sure is Dip. It sure is." I said, remembering the song that played through my head last night. "There s nothing I do better than revenge..." I sang quietly, making sure no one heard me, except myself, of course. "Children, I am needed elsewhere. Just know that I'll always be right here. On the negative twelve dollar bill." Quentin said, handing us the green slip of paper. "Woah. This is...worthless." Dipper said. "It's less than worthless my boy." Quentin said as-a-matter-of-factly. "Trembley away!" He exclaimed, jumping backwards on to his horse, that came out of nowhere, as usual, and heading off to who-knows-where. "Where do you think he's going?" Mabel asked. "I'm gonna say, off a cliff." I said.
"And then Soos came by and talked to me for like an hour!" Stan finished recounting his story. "You've been through so much." Mabel said sympathetically. Dipper got his key out and unlocked the lock. "It works!" He exclaimed in astonishment. "So what's with the top hat?" Stan asked Mabel, rubbing his sore wrists. "I'm a Congressman!" Mabel exclaimed proudly. "Pardon me?" Stan asked, unbelieving. "You are officially pardoned." Mabel said. We all laughed at her little joke. Well, all of the kids, anyway. "Oy. You are never gonna make sense, are ya kid?" Stan asked Mabel. "No I'm not Grunkle Stan. No I'm not. Mabel, away!" She said, jumping backwards and crashing through a window. "I'm okay!" She said, as I ran over to help her. And she really was okay, actually.
It was a long day today. I was really tired when I climbed into bed. Bea had just finished telling me her story. She had went with Wendy and Tambry for a girl's night out. Of course, they went to another town. One that preferably wasn't celebrating Pioneer Day. I just told her I explored the town with Mabes and Dip. She'd never believe the true story. I slid into my bed, awaiting the next day, and the adventures that would come along with it. Pretty soon, my eyes slid shut.
"Well, well, well, long time no see, eh?"
"Ugh, you again. What do you want?"
"All in good time, my dear."
"Sure. Okay then, well if you don't mind, I'm gonna be leaving now so-"
"Ha! You can't leave-"
"But I can shut you up."
"Mmmmmmpppppphhhhhhhhh!"
"For once, I'm in charge of you."
"NOT FOR LONG!"
I awoke with a start, sweating and panting. I was so close! I wasn't afraid, but that didn't make a difference! At least...not much. As soon as I had calmed down, I slipped on the locket, and t felt cold against my warm skin. I wanted desperately to open it, but I decided to wake up fully first, then see what was inside. Well, that'll have to wait. Besides, a new day means a new adventure!
