Author's Note: Hey, everyone. What goes on (while applying itching ointment all over my body with a spatula like Spencer, just kidding). As promised, Shelby's POV in this chapter for your overall viewing and aesthetic pleasure. Take it away, Ernie. It's going to be a BUM-PAY ride! (just a little Harry Potter joke, just walk it off, a-ight?)
Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly, the setting or the various characters depicted in my story. Now that's serious chizz.
Shelby's POV:
Two days.
It's been two days since I last looked Nana in the eyes. I just can't face her after what I said about being in love with Carly Shay. How could I be so stupid? How could I possibly think that would magically make everything okay? Well guess what, it doesn't. I still feel just as confused as ever and now my grandmother may very well hate me for it.
I haven't gone to 'The Jungle Gym' in two days, a first. I called Rod and Juan up and told them that I had some funny stomach bug or something, I don't really remember what I said. I just hope I was convincing enough, but I guess I don't really care either. This is the first time I've ever felt too down to train. Usually when I'm upset like this, my anger fuels me enough to make me want to train and fight even harder.
But now, it feels like everything in my life has come to a complete stand-still.
Now, I'm the one that's down for the count.
It was almost 7pm and I was still hauled up in my room, sitting on my bed and clutching my knees close to my chest when I heard a faint knock on my door. My head snapped up at the sound and that's when I saw a small slip of paper slide underneath the door. I hopped off my bed and picked it up off the floor. It was a short message in Nana's handwriting which said:
"Come down for dinner. I made your favourite."
That was it: no anger, no pleading, just eight simple words. I guess Nana and I were related in more ways than one. I haven't had much of an appetite lately, just managing to digest a couple of protein bars that I have stashed up in my room. But now I'm feeling really hungry, as if Nana knew exactly what I needed. She always did know me better than I knew myself sometimes. Maybe it's finally time to face her and have that conversation that will change our lives forever.
I opened my bedroom door and closed it quietly before walking downstairs, my footsteps not making a sound. And then I was standing at the entrance to the kitchen, a sense of dejavu sweeping over me seeing Nana standing by the kitchen sink just like she had two days ago. Only this time she wasn't grating cheese, but washing up a glass and putting it on the dish rack.
Nana tensed up ever so slightly when she finally felt my presence behind her. She turned around and faced me, an expression on her face that I couldn't read for the moment.
"Sit down, Shelby." Nana commanded softly, gesturing with her wrinkly hand towards the chair where I always sat.
I obeyed and sat down wordlessly, wondering how best to start the ball rolling for this particular conversation. Nana bustled around me for a few minutes, dishing up two plates of spaghetti and pouring two glasses of milk before coming to sit down across from me. After she said Grace, Nana began tucking into her meal while I chewed on a meatball next to her.
"Nana, I have to-"
"Not now, after dinner." Nana interrupted quickly, but not in a mean way from what I could figure out based on her body language. It's as if she can tell what I'm about to do.
I didn't say another word and the two of us ate in silence for a good 10 minutes. When my plate was clear, Nana got up from the kitchen table and took the dishes away and began washing them up and placing them on the dish rack to dry. I sat in my chair all the while, waiting for Nana to make the next move. When she turned to face me again, she had a sombre expression on her face.
"Come and sit in the living room with me for a while, Shelby. There's something I'd like to show you." Nana suggested softly before exiting the kitchen.
My chair scraped underneath me as I got to my feet and followed her into the living room. Nana sat on the sofa waiting for me with her hands resting in her lap. That's when I noticed all of the family albums lying across the top of the coffee table, each one of them opened at certain places. I recognised a few of the pictures containing Nana and Gramps and Mom and Dad on their wedding day.
Oh no, Nana never takes out the family albums unless it's for important occasions.
This can't be good.
"What's all this, Nana?" I asked nervously, trying to keep my voice as normal as possible.
"The things you said to me two nights ago got me thinking about a lot of things, Shelby. I've given you two days to think about everything, but now it's finally time to tell you some things." Nana began frankly while she looked at me with a penetrating stare that made me even more scared than before the start of the conversation.
Oh God, this is it. Nana's gonna start her usual lecture about 'responsibility' and 'sins of the flesh'. This is gonna be a long night.
"You may think I'm just a silly old lady who doesn't remember what it was like to be young. But I wasn't born old, Shelby. I know all too well how difficult it is for a young girl like you to make your way in the world and create an identity for yourself." Nana continued soberly.
Wait, this doesn't sound like a 'sins of the flesh' speech at all. What's going on here?
"I was once just like you, Shelby: young and determined. But I got confused along the way too." Nana declared vehemently.
Say what?
That's when Nana leant over and grabbed the photo album closest to her, beckoning with her hand for me to lean in and take a closer look. I recognised the faded maroon and gold colour of the book's spine instantly; it was Nana and Gramps' album, the one reserved just for their pictures. Nana leafed through it till she came to a specific picture of her and Gramps. It was the one of them on their honeymoon in Hawaii taken decades ago. It was one of her favourites, I should've guessed.
"This one's my favourite." Nana introduced wistfully, her thin fingers stroking the shiny surface of the photo delicately.
"It's nice, Nana." I remarked softly, wondering where she was going with this.
"I was crazy about your grandpa from the first time I met him. I thought his best outfit was this one: white T-shirt and khaki shorts. Then again, I probably just liked the look because it gave me a good view of his tushie from behind." Nana joked lightly with a small chuckle.
If Nana was going to start on more anecdotes about Gramps (who had died two years before Mom and Dad), then I sincerely hoped she wasn't going to launch into a conversation about the birds and the bees. We already had that talk when I was 10 years old, and I wouldn't forget it in a hurry.
"We had a good life together, your grandpa and me. He was a good provider, a great husband and a wonderful father. We were very happy together and I loved him until the day he died. But he wasn't the only person I've ever loved that deeply in my whole life. There was someone else who had my heart for the longest time before I even met your grandfather. And it's finally time for me to tell you all about this person." Nana went on seriously.
Wait, what? Nana put Gramps on a pedestal, that's how it's always been ever since I can remember. How can she possibly admit to ever loving someone else as much as Gramps? This is just too weird.
Nana began leafing through the rest of the album until she got to the last two pages which I'd never seen before. On these pages were an assortment of black and white photographs; but they weren't of Nana and Gramps like the rest of the album. These ones were of two young women (possibly in their late teens and or early twenties, it was hard to tell), both beautiful with dark hair, their arms around each other, smiling widely at the camera lens.
"Who are they, Nana?" I asked curiously, entranced by the innate intimacy shared by the two women in the photos.
"Look closely at the young women on the right of this picture. Don't you recognise her?" Nana pressed eagerly.
I did a double take as I looked at the young woman, her thin slanted nose and dark eyes reminding me of my own. Then I glanced back at Nana, who had a twinkle in her eyes.
"Nana, is that you?" I asked in awe.
"It sure is, sweetheart." Nana answered simply.
"Wow, you were beautiful." I breathed, my fingers tracing the picture.
I could see a little bit of my face in the picture and a lot of my mom too: the same black hair, the same face. It was just all surreal. But that still left one last question.
"But who's the woman with you?" I questioned suddenly as my eyes drifted towards the other smiling face in the picture.
"That was Maria Ramos; she was a dear friend of mine who I met at nursing school a lifetime ago. She was one of the liveliest, funniest and most compassionate people I've ever known, besides your grandfather." Nana explained delicately.
Something was starting to register while I thought about the familiarity of the name Nana had given me.
"Wait…Maria Ramos. She's that friend of yours who you visited in hospital years ago in Florida, right? Didn't she die of cancer?" I asked slowly.
"Yes, she did." Nana responded gravely.
"I'd never been so far away from home before. It was hard in my first year at nursing school; I really missed my family and my old friends. Then Maria came along in my second year and everything changed. I was always shy and naturally reserved, but she found a way to get me to come out of my shell. When we weren't studying for written exams or doing our practicals, Maria would take me to her favourite places, whether it was her favourite bookstore, her favourite park or even her favourite bar where we would drink whatever the bartender gave us for hours and dance together in front of the jukebox."
"Whenever I was with her, everything just felt right, normal and just better in general. She made me feel like I was so much more than just Plain Jane Enid Berkowitz, she made me feel like I could do anything. She was my best friend in the whole wide world. I can't pin-point a specific moment when everything changed. But it did, and I knew that life would never be the same again. I knew that my feelings for Maria would change the both of us." Nana explained soberly.
Wait, hold the phone, is Nana saying what I think she's saying?
"Wait, Nana. Were you and Maria…you know…?" I ventured awkwardly, feeling my cheeks burning at the thought.
"Never officially. But after we both finally realised that our relationship had finally gone past that of mere friendship, I suppose Maria and I did share what you might call 'stolen moments' when we were alone together away from prying eyes. Some of those moments are still the happiest memories of my long life." Nana answered, a wistful grin playing on her face.
Nana and Maria? This is just so unbelievable. My ears must be close to falling off.
"Oh my God, I can't believe this." I whispered hoarsely, feeling like a heavy rug was about to be ripped out from underneath the remnants of my life.
I finally dared to look at Nana since she started talking, trying to find some kind of explanation for all of this in her eyes.
"We cared about each other a great deal, but it was a very different era for people with our…preferences. The 60's may have been a time of sexual revolution and throwing off the old shackles of conventionalism and hierarchy. But the time wasn't quite ripe for me and Maria to make our feelings known for each other to the whole wide world. To our own world." Nana explained sadly.
"So what happened?" I asked softly, feeling like I was standing on the edge of a very steep cliff.
"Maria came from a very devout Catholic family, who I felt sure would never accept our relationship. Maria was more than ready to turn her back on them to be with me, but my conscience wouldn't let me allow her to make that kind of sacrifice. Maria loved her family and they loved her; the idea of destroying that intense love and devotion would've been tantamount to killing her with my own hand. I loved her too much to separate her from everything she knew because I wanted her for myself."
"So when we finally completed our nursing training, I told Maria that I loved her dearly and would continue to do so long after we had parted ways. But for both our sakes, I couldn't pursue what we had any longer and that it was better if we remained friends. Maria took it extremely well, but I knew that I had broken her heart that day and I still have trouble forgiving myself for hurting the one person I could've loved deeply till the day I died. She left shortly afterwards and went to work in her home town and I got a job at a local hospital a few weeks later. We kept in touch sporadically after that with a few letters here and there updating each other on our lives, but our friendship was never the same again. I knew that no matter what happened afterwards, we would always have that between us, those feelings that would have to always remain a secret. I've tried to convince myself over time that I did the right thing in distancing myself from Maria. But in all honestly, I wonder if my decision only caused us more heartbreak than what was necessary." Nana concluded mournfully, her wrinkled hands clutching desperately at her face, which was pale under the glare of the living room lights.
"Nana…why didn't you tell me any of this before?" I demanded seriously.
"There was never an appropriate time to bring up things that happened before you or your mother was born, Shelby. But when you told me about your feelings for Carly two nights ago, I realised that I couldn't hide this from you anymore." Nana answered earnestly.
The mention of my mother made me think of something else that was bothering me about Nana's confession.
"Grandpa…you married Grandpa! If you were in love with Maria, why did you marry Grandpa? You settled for him." I declared in astonishment, the words sounding like a foreign language coming out of my own mouth.
Nana looked at me with hurt shining through her dark eyes.
"I never settled for your grandfather, Shelby. I loved him with every fibre of my being." She responded emphatically.
"But how, Nana? How could you possibly love both Maria and Gramps?" I questioned desperately.
"It wasn't easy moving on from Maria. Lord knows that I must've tried going dancing with any man I could think of after she left to distract myself. But none could make me forget about my passion for her. Until your Grandpa came along." Nana with that same wistful grin on her face that I'd come to associate with any mention of Gramps.
"I still don't understand," I confessed soberly.
"Neither did I at first. I met your grandfather when he was a patient at the hospital where I worked. He almost lost a leg fighting in the Vietnam War and was sent back home for an emergency surgery to repair the damage. I was the nurse that dressed his various wounds during his recovery. He was very persistent in the beginning; always asking me to go dancing with him as soon as he could walk on his own, and I kept saying no every single time. I never thought his feelings for me were serious in the beginning, only that he was very handsome, very charming and probably said that all to the young women my age.
"Even after he was discharged, he still came to visit me occasionally, learning somewhere along the way what my favourite flowers were and sending them to the front desk while I was on duty. He was never rude or too pushy, always polite and attentive and I secretly liked that about him, even from the start. Then somewhere along the lines, I found myself saying yes to him one night when he asked me to dinner. Boy was I glad I did in the end, Shelby."
"I laughed so much in your grandfather's company that night, it was impossible not to laugh at him making his jokes and trying his utmost to impress me with heroic stories about his role in the war that I'm sure he made up on the spot. The way he spoke about the friends he'd made in the army warmed my heart; the stories about loyalty and bravery in the face of great tragedy struck a chord with me. It reminded me all too well of the reasons why I wanted to become a nurse in the first place. We began to see more of each other and I knew I was in trouble when I could no longer find any reasons to keep his courtship of me at bay. I was falling in love with him, but he still didn't know me as well as he thought. I was keeping a part of myself from him and I knew that it was time to finally tell him the truth, about everything." Nana continued ominously.
I know exactly what's coming next in this story. But I still can't understand how it could've possibly had a happy ending.
"Grandpa knew about Maria?" I asked, completely dumb-founded at this point.
"He was stunned when I first told him about her, I held nothing back. And when I was finished, he said that he needed time to think about things. I felt sure that I had lost him forever and prepared myself for a lifetime of loneliness."
"But he came to find me a week later at my usual post by the front desk at the hospital, carrying my favourite flowers. I asked a fellow nurse to cover the rest pf my shift for me and I clocked off early. Your Grandpa and I had a very long talk that night about everything. He admitted that he was still very much in love with me and hoped that he could still win my heart in spite of what I told him. He asked me if it was possible for me to love him back and make a home with him because he felt sure that we could be very happy together. He said that he didn't care about what had happened in the past and all he wanted to do was focus on a future that wasn't tainted with grief and loss. It didn't take me long to figure out that he was exactly what I wanted and needed all along. I finally made my choice and I've never regretted it ever since." Nana concluded with a small smile on her face.
She had found the spot in the album where her favourite picture of Gramps was located once again, stroking its filmy texture tenderly. I was secretly relieved that Nana hadn't said that Gramps had played some kind of third party role in her escapades with another woman, but this was still a lot to take in.
"Gramps was really able to get over you being in love with another woman? You were really happy together, Nana?" I pressed anxiously, hardly daring to believe it myself as I looked my grandmother in the eye.
"It wasn't a perfect relationship, Shelby, none of the worthwhile ones ever are. But we made it work because we decided to focus on the future instead of always looking back." Nana offered soberly.
"What are you saying, Nana? Are you telling me to forget about Carly and move on?" I demanded heatedly, my temper suddenly bubbling back to the surface.
"That's not what I'm saying at all. Don't you understand, Shelby? I may have been able to move on with your grandpa and lead a happy life with him till he passed away. But I never forgot about Maria, not once. Even though I was happy and had a family of my own, I always wondered about what could've been, if I'd been a little braver and taken a few more risks. It's haunted me all along and I don't want you to end up living with the same regret I did." Nana answered gently, touching my shoulder for the first time since the start of the conversation.
"You said you went to visit Maria in the hospital a few years ago. I thought you said that you lost touch with her." I noted resolutely, trying my best to put off talking about Carly just yet.
"I did. When your grandfather and I got married and began our lives together, I stopped writing letters to Maria and vice versa. But a few years ago, her youngest brother contacted me and told me that Maria was dying and that she wanted to see me one last time. I got on the next plane out and went to see; I'm not sorry that I did. She was still the same Maria I fell in love with all those years ago. Her body may have been weak and frail, but her spirit was stubborn and still full of life."
"The first thing she said to me was that she didn't harbour any ill-feelings towards me for my decision to move on from her. It was difficult for her to accept, but she wanted me to be happy, even if we couldn't be together. I told her about Gramps and she was genuinely happy that I had been blessed to find someone who loved me almost as much as she did. I sat for hours with her each day and we talked together, recalling happier times that we'd spent together. It felt like no time had ever existed since the time I knew and loved Maria. I'd been lonely for so long since your grandpa died; having her back in my life (if only for a short period of time) was everything to me, Shelby. I held her hand in those last few minutes when her family gathered around her bed while the priest said a final prayer for her soul. She looked at me and said that she would love me forever and that I mustn't be afraid. Even though it hurt all over again to lose her, I will never ever regret Maria. And if you feel anything for Carly that is close to what I shared with Maria, then you must never regret it, Shelby. It's a part of you now and it will change you forever. What you choose to do with that is entirely up to you." Nana continued vehemently while gripping my shoulders tightly in her wrinkly hands.
I'm not sure how, but I finally began my own story about how I had started falling in love with Carly slowly and surely. But instead of feeling a sense of relief, the weight in my chest felt even heavier as tears soon overcame me.
"I've ruined everything, Nana, and Carly probably won't ever speak to me again. I've hurt her too much, it's too late." I stated mournfully while bowing my head.
"It's never too late, Shelby. Not if you love her as much as you clearly do and she loves you back." Nana replied reassuringly after hearing about the story of me saving Carly from getting hit by the bus.
"I do love her, Nana. But I'm scared of what comes next; I don't know if I'm ready for everything to change." I admitted in a shaky voice as I looked her directly in the eye.
"Do you know that when you first wanted to become a professional fighter, I almost called Rod up and told him that I didn't want you to fight?" Nana asked unexpectedly.
I didn't know that. How many more secrets are gonna come out to bite me in the ass tonight?
"I thought the CFC was a vicious profession and not the kind of place my young granddaughter should be in. I was so afraid that you were going to get hurt in the ring. We've both lost so much and I was afraid to lose my only granddaughter too." Nana explained seriously.
"What changed your mind?" I asked curiously.
"I saw your first friendly fight before you won your very first CFC championship belt. You were magnificent in the ring, Shelby: so quick, graceful, fearless. No matter how many times that girl knocked you down, you kept getting back up and facing her every time. And when you finally beat her, you didn't rub it in her face. You bent over her and held out your hand to help her up. I swear, I'd never been prouder of you than in that moment. You showed so much sportsmanship and grace in that moment. From the moment you beat up that insolent bully in your old school for taking that little boy's lunch money, I knew that you would be great. I didn't stop being afraid, but I knew that you would be okay no matter what happened in. And it had absolutely nothing to do with how hard you could punch; it had everything to do with your big heart."
"It was your heart that led you to Carly in the first place; because you wanted to help a friend in need. And it's your heart and her heart that will prevail in the end. You're a lot braver than what you give yourself credit, Shelby. But I want you to remember that being 'tough' isn't the same as bravery. Being 'tough' makes your pride grow and keeps your guard up. But bravery…bravery is letting go of your fears and all control, not knowing what the final outcome will be. And that kind of bravery can only be achieved with love, Shelby." Nana replied fervently while she cupped my face in her hands.
"Even if Carly does want me back, nothing's gonna magically work out for us. There'll be people out there who will never accept the fact that I might be gay. They'll never let me and Carly be happy together, Nana." I protested weakly.
"You don't know that for sure, Shelby. But even if that's true, you won't be alone. You'll have Carly. She may not always say and do the right things and she may even do silly things like accidentally tackling an old woman off a stage after she's been hospitalised (I couldn't help laughing out loud at this), but she has a good heart. And I know that she loves you; I saw that the night she came rushing into your changing room after Gemma McGowen hit you and she wanted to make sure you were okay. And you'll always have me, Shelby. I may not throw such a good punch, but this old girl will always be fighting in your corner whenever someone tries to knock you down. I love you, sweetheart." Nana declared through a flurry of tears that leaked down her wrinkly cheeks.
I launched myself into her arms and hugged her tightly; both of us finally giving into our tears and years of pent-up grief and sadness that we could finally let go of.
"You are easily the strangest person I know, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you so much, Nana." I whispered sincerely while kissing her cheeks.
"Right back at ya, Shelby." Nana whispered back while holding me close.
We stayed like that for a while, probably all night if I was paying attention. But it was all I needed for the moment. I had one more thing to add to my list of accomplishments that I did well besides running away from my feelings.
I'm Shelby Marx, and I don't give up easily.
Author's Note: Ooh wee, bet you didn't see that coming, huh? Nana's got some skeletons in the closet, bahahahaha. I'm so evil, I know. But it's fun ; ) Now that Shelby's heard the whole truth, will this change anything between her and Carly? Decisions, decisions, decisions. The last round of chapters will be on FF next week and then all shall be revealed. Thanks again for reading, you're a swell crowd. Snapplelinz out!
