Season Twelve
Episode 1: Keep Calm and Carry On
Dean: Sammy? Cas? *skulking* You here? *skulking* You better not have started without me!
Mary: Started what?
Dean: Oh god! I… forgot you were here.
Mary: What would they have started?
Dean: Right, nothing. They started… absolutely nothing.
Mary: Uh hu.
-and-
Dean: An angel. Capital A. With wings. Harp.
Castiel: No, I don't have a harp.
Dean: He doesn't have a harp, but he does give great head.
Castiel: I do.
Mary: …
Dean: I mean… that's what I've been told. I wouldn't know. Personally. I don't… I'm a virgin.
Mary: Dean, honey, you're thirty-six.
Dean: …Yeah.
Castiel: This is all very confusing.
-and-
Mary: Is that a computer?
Castiel: Yes, I don't trust them. Dean uploaded a video to the internet once and I have yet to successfully delete it.
Mary: What kind of video?
Dean: Cas, don't answer that.
Castiel: Yes, I suppose our collection of homemade pornography is better left between the three of us and the millions of people who managed to download it before you realized your mistake.
Mary: I'm sorry, did you say three?
Dean: *closes eyes* So awkward.
Episode 2: Mamma Mia
Elizabeth: Good morning, Sam. Let's start again, shall we. Take our time. I've cleared my calendar. I would like name and locations of every Hunter. The passcodes to each and every Men of Letters database help in the bunker. Oh, and yes, let's do discuss your relationship with the demon Ruby.
Sam: Let me stop you right there, that one's easy. We fucked. A lot.
Elizabeth: Just like that?
Sam: Well, not just like that. There was bondage, some pegging, that weird night we got drunk and tried water sports – never again – oh, and the threesome that shall never be mentioned.
Elizabeth: Between Ruby, yourself, and?
Sam: Dean.
Elizabeth: Your brother? Right, I'm beginning to understand why the Americas are so overrun with evil.
Sam: No need to be rude.
Episode 3: The Foundry
Mary: It's probably nothing. I just thought I might get out there. Stretch my legs.
Sam: I thought you weren't down to hunt in the first place?
Mary: No, I know. Of course, if you'd rather stay here and talk about what I overheard coming from the shower this morning, we can…
Dean: Well, would you look at that, things change. Family hunting trip!
Episode 4: American Nightmare
Dean: *leaves message for Mary, waiting for return text* I'm a thirteen year old girl.
Sam: Good to see you're finally admitting it.
Dean: What the hell, Sam.
Sam: No, really. Having mom around has really helped to open you up to your feelings.
Dean: I hate you so much right now.
Sam: We should call Cas and share the moment.
Dean: Don't you dare! He's with Crowley.
Sam: Even better.
Dean: …
-and-
Dean: She gave me her number. Her personal number
Sam: You were gonna shoot her.
Dean: Yeah, kinda weird. Kinda hot.
Sam: Really?
Dean: What? Hey, how about we give her a call in a few hours and see how she feels about threesomes, handcuffs, and gun porn?
Sam: No.
Dean: Come on.
Sam: I said no.
Dean: Don't be like that.
Sam: Dean…
Dean: Sammy…
Sam: *sighs*
Dean: That a boy.
Sam: I already regret this.
Episode 5: The One You've Been Waiting For
*talking to Aaron about the Nazis*
Sam: Any idea what's cooking?
Aaron: Whatever it is, it's big. Really big. Like, Dean's epic gay crush on me big.
Dean: Son of a bitch, you are never gonna let that go, are you?
Aaron: Not a chance.
Episode 6: Celebrating the Life of Asa Fox
Dean: I'm gonna catch some air.
Mary: Dean, wait.
Sam: *stops her* No, don't. We didn't have time to bang one out on the way over the Jody's and it didn't feel right playing Road-Head Chicken with her in the car so he's a little cranky.
Mary: I'm sorry, you didn't have time to what?
Sam: Oh, god, no, not… it… prostitutes.
Mary: Prostitutes?
Sam: Yeah, we usually pick up a couple of… prostitutes for an after hunt… celebration?
Mary: *raises eyebrows with a judgmental frown*
Sam: …*nervously looks anywhere but his mom*
Mary: Sam, I'm kidding. It doesn't take a genius to figure out you two are a thing.
Sam: Wait, really? And… I mean, you're okay with that?
Mary: Sometimes. It's still fun watching you squirm, though. After Dean's calmed down, we should mess with him, too.
Sam: Mom, I have never felt more connected to you.
Mary: I know, sweetie.
Episode 7: Rock Never Dies
Crowley: Enochian handcuffs? That's your move?
Castiel: They held me.
Crowley: Like you were even trying to get out of them.
Castiel: I assure you, I was. No matter how talented you think you are at fellatio, I do not enjoy receiving sexual favors in a parked car in the middle of the afternoon where anyone could walk by and see us.
Crowley: Parts of you suggested otherwise.
Castiel: That…
Sam: Wow.
Dean: Okay, ladies, you're done. Anymore thoughts about the devil?
Crowley: Well, since you asked…
Dean: Anything helpful?
Episode 8: LOTUS
Dean: And why should we believe anything that you say?
Ketch: You, halo, do you sense I'm lying?
Castiel: My name is Castiel. Or Cas. Or Darlin'. Or Cowboy. Sugar, sometimes, when Dean's had enough alcohol and is feeling particularly sentimental.
Dean: Cas, I don't think Mr. Bond over there needs to know your pet names.
Episode 9: First Blood
Sanchez: Six hours ago, Sam and Dean Winchester tried to kill the president of the United States.
Camp: Huh. Do we know why?
Sanchez: They haven't said a word since we picked them up. Although they have been making lewd and suggestive hand gestures at each other. We're not sure if they're actually trying to communicate or it's an attempt to annoy their guard into letting them go.
Camp: Eh, probably both.
-and-
Sanchez: You can't run forever. You're trapped out here.
Dean: Well, what we have here, is a failure to communicate. 'Cause we're not trapped out here with you. You're trapped out here with us.
Sam: *cocks gun*
Dean: And for the record, I can do a lot of things forever and running from a threat is the least interesting. There was this one time we got snowed in on a hunt in Fargo and Sammy I were doing the old mutual masturbation dance and we had a bet going on who could hold out the longest.
Sam: Dean!
Dean: Let me tell ya, sometimes it ain't so bad cumming in second.
Sam: Give me that. *grabs walky and throws it* Not cool.
Dean: That pun was fantastic and you know it.
Sam: *glares*
Episode 10: Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets
Dean: *puts down beer in front of Castiel* You earned it.
Castiel: Well, this will do very little for me, but I… I appreciate the gesture.
Sam: Don't worry, I'm sure Dean's got something better planned for later tonight.
Castiel: Considering the nature of our last case, I'm not sure an orgy is appropriate.
Dean: Okay, first of all, it's not always about sex.
Sam: Well…
Dean: *glares at Sam* And, second *back to Castiel* I was thinking more of Friends marathon and a few pints of ice cream.
Castiel: That would be nice. Thank you.
Dean: Then we'll have sex.
Sam: And there it is.
Castiel: Dean…
Dean: I'm kidding! Kind of.
Episode 11: Regarding Dean
Waitress: He ordered burgers to go, it was gonna be a minute, we got slammed, then you knocked back… four shots of tequila? Put some "sick jams" on the juke and then you hit the bull.
Sam: He what?
Dean: I what?
Waitress: Oh yeah. You had the hots for Larry as soon as you walked in here.
Sam: He… you rode Larry?
Dean: Jealousy's an ugly thing, Sam.
Sam: I am not *forced laugh* jealous.
Dean: Keep tellin' yourself that.
Sam: It's a mechanical bull.
Dean: You know, you'll always be my favorite stud. Was I any good?
Waitress: You were… amazing.
Dean: Hear that, Sam? I was amazing.
Sam: *glares at Larry*
Episode 12: Stuck in the Middle (With You)
Sam: Crowley?
Mary: You're him? The king of hell?
Crowley: You must be mother Winchester. Pleasure, I've heard so much.
Mary: Touch me and I'll kill you.
Crowley: That's what your son said. *winks*
Mary: *looks at Dean*
Dean: No, that… It's not what it… He… I was a demon at the time.
Mary: You were a what?!
Dean: It's a long story.
Mary: We have time.
Castiel: I'm *groans in pain* afraid I don't.
Mary: Fine, but you're not off the hook. We will talk about this later and you're telling me everything. I don't care how long the story is.
Sam: *chuckles* Dea-ean's in trouble.
Dean: Shut up.
Episode 13: Family Feud
*phone rings*
Mary: Hey, Dean! Nothin', just uh… I'm at a motel outside Newark … No, no special plans, you know, Paperview, Magic Fingers, the u-sh. … No, not those magic fingers, Dean, the ones in the bed that massage your back. … Mhm … Yeah, no, that would have been super weird.
Episode 14: The Raid
Ketch: This is a Men of Letter's bunker. The location's no secret to us.
Dean: Okay. Cool. Well, good talk.
Ketch: And whilst I understand that you're not feeling warmly disposed to me, I wonder, what's your disposition to this incredibly rare, unspeakably expensive bottle of barrel proof scotch?
Dean: …
Ketch: And, if that's not enough to entice you to allow my entrance, I've also acquired this… *pulls out brown bag* …DVD of Asian pornography. I've been told you take a liking to that sort of thing.
Dean: Yeah? They tell you what else I take a liking to?
Ketch: Risky sex came up several times, however, I didn't think we knew each other well enough for me to show up at your door with a gun and a box of condoms. You understand.
Dean: Fair enough. *grabs bottle* This had better be worth it.
Ketch: I assure you, it is.
Dean: Watch yourself. That sounded suspiciously like a come on.
Ketch: *grins*
-and-
Sam: Make a tincture, coat a silver bullet, use this spell, it'll mimic the original etchings.
Mick: And that'll work?
Sam: It better. If not, start praying 'cause we'll need a miracle. Which, if it does come to that, you should probably include how much you love Carver Edlund's work into the prayer.
Mick: Carver Edlund? The author of those books based on you and your brother?
Sam: Yeah and also God.
Mick: God? As in…?
Sam: God. He's taking a sabbatical right now to catch up with family, but he's really proud of his work, so if you mention it, he might actually listen. Although, I mean, he's also kind of a dick sometimes, so… probably not.
Mick: I'm sorry, did you just call God a dick?
Sam: Have you met him?
Mick: Well, no, not as such, but…
Sam: Okay, then, take it from me, he's a dick, but he appreciates honesty. Unless you're talking about his books, then lie through your teeth.
Episode 15: Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell
Crowley: Maybe I've rubbed off all over you.
Dean: *shudder*
Crowley: That was a cum stain reference, by the way.
Dean: Shut up.
Crowley: In case you forgot the time we…
Dean: I remember!
-and-
Dean: *looking at his wrecked car* And this is why you don't drive.
Sam: I thought that was because you liked road-head.
Dean: Don't change the subject.
Episode 16: Ladies Drink Free
Dean: *at the title* Oh, hey, look, Sammy, you get free drinks!
Sam: *bitch face* No, you know what? I don't have to put up with this anymore. *takes out cell phone*
Dean: What are you doing?
Sam: Hey, mom, he's doing it again.
Dean: You called mom?!
Sam: Yeah, he's right here. *holds out phone* She wants to talk to you.
Dean: Not cool, Sam.
Sam: Consider it pay back for all the times you ratted me out to dad.
Episode 17: The British Invasion
Dean: Where's Ilene?
Sam: She took off. Headed back to Ireland. She just needed some time off, I guess.
Dean: Yeah, I get that. *drinks* Hey, for what it's worth, I hope she survives the Curse of the Magic Death Penis.
Sam: Really, you're bringing that back?
Dean: Throwback Thursday, Sammy, but I mean it. She's nice.
Episode 18: The Memory Remains
Ketch: It's clear, onward. Now, remember your orders. By the time we leave, Dr. Hess wants to know everything about our friends the Winchesters. Their allies, their habits. How does Sam get his hair so shiny? How many ratty flannels does Dean own? Do they have a preferred lubricant? Is there a little black book of conquests? Does it contain contact numbers and or species?
Soldier: I'm sorry, sir, did you say species?
Ketch: Don't ask, trust me when I say you don't want to know. Just catalogue everything.
Episode 19: The Future
Sam: I mean, how did Cas even get the Colt out of the safe in the first place?
Dean: …
Sam: Dean, you… you put the Colt back in the safe, right?
Dean: …
Sam: Dean?
Dean: It was under my pillow.
Sam: It…
Dean: I like to keep it close. You know, so I can feel it under my head when I'm lying in bed at night. Sometimes, I, uh, I take it out and stroke it with my free hand while I…
Sam: You… with the Colt?!
Dean: You think that's bad, you should have seen what I caught Dad doing with it.
Sam: What…? No. I take it back. I don't want to know. Let's just, figure out our next move.
Episode 20: Twigs & Twine & Tasha Banes
Sam: Dude, Cas ditched his cell phone. Look, Jody put an APB out for Cas and Kelly across three states. Until that shakes something loose or we get some other break, all we're doing is… is sitting around here banging our heads against a wall.
Dean: That's not all we've been banging.
Sam: Let's get out there.
Dean: You're just gonna ignore that, huh?
Sam: *sigh* Their mom's on a hunting trip and hasn't been home in a week.
Dean: Eh, you're right. Not my best line. All right, let's go.
Episode 21: There's Something About Mary
Dean: Alright, well, counting Ilene, that makes seven hunters in three weeks.
Sam: Yeah, and those are the ones we know about.
Dean: Seven monster related deaths and as far as I know, you've only slept with one of them.
Sam: That's not funny, Dean.
Dean: I'm just saying, it rules out the Curse of the Magic Death Penis, so at least you know this time it wasn't you.
Sam: Say magic death penis one more time and I'm cutting you off for a month.
Dean: Come on, Sam, you know I use humor as a mask to hide my real emotions.
Sam: Wow. That was… surprisingly honest.
Dean: I know. Having mom around really is opening me up.
Sam: Yeah.
Dean: …magic death penis.
Sam: Damnit, Dean! One month.
Episode 22: Who We Are
Dean: *hits the brick, brick particles get in his eye*
Sam: Goggles?
Dean: Goggles. Hey, Sammy!
Sam: What?
Dean: This reminds me of homecoming.
Sam: What?
Dean: Remember? When you busted a nut in my face and I got pink eye and dad was pissed 'cause I couldn't go on that hunt in Nebraska?
Sam: *shakes his head* Only you.
Dean: Good times.
-and-
Dean: Man, I knew you were psycho, but I didn't know you were stupid.
Ketch: I may be many thing, but I am not… *pulls out gun* …stupid.
Dean: Well, hot damn.
Ketch: What?
Dean: I've got a half a boner right now.
Ketch: Excuse me?
Dean: Seriously, I get what mom sees in you. Want to make it a Winchester two-fer? I guarantee I give better head.
Ketch: You must be joking.
Dean: Of course I am. I'm just buying time for mom to cap your limey ass.
Ketch: Wha… *gets shot*
Episode 23: All Along the Watchtower
*stabs Crowley's hand*
Dean: You think we trust you? After what you pulled? Hm? No, you stay here, you sit down, and you shut up.
Crowley: Was that really necessary? My right hand? You couldn't have stabbed my left one? At least give me somethin' to do.
Mary: Is he always like this?
Sam: You should have seen what he did in the car a few years ago.
Mary: What did he do in the car?
Crowley: *grins lasciviously* Well…
Dean: *points a finger at Crowley* We don't talk about that.
Mary: Wha…
Dean: I said, we don't talk about that. *walks away*
Sam: It's a touchy subject.
Crowley: Speaking of touchy subjects…
Sam/Mary: Shut up.
