Chapter 11
Shock
A/N: Unfortunately, it will be another relatively boring chapter, but, remember, this will lead to the better part! I have a great idea for you guys later on! I think it's going to be real fun! But for now… Thank you for all the reviews! You guys are all sooo encouraging! Thank you!
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Bella's POV
I jumped. I should've gotten used to surprises and unusual stuff by now, but I hadn't. The shock lasted barely a fraction of a second, but it had been enough to bring back even sharper memories. The movie, first touch, first kiss… I drew in a sharp breath. That was precisely it! It was the same electricity that I had felt at first. But why would I feel it, I only did when Edward was around… "Whatever", I thought. "Nothing has ever been normal since I moved to Forks".
I curled up in my bed and sleep found me, thankfully, quickly. I didn't remember any dreams when I awoke the next morning. Light streamed in through my bedroom window. I stared at it, unmoving. It was Saturday. A sunny Saturday… I rolled my eyes. Everything seemed to be catching up to me now.
I didn't have any plans with friends for the day. But it's not like I had any anyway. Actually, today, I had a different plan. A sunny Saturday plan…
It pierced at my heart as I thought of it. His meadow. But I had convinced myself to let it go. Forget about it. The past shouldn't hurt me; I wouldn't let it.
I dressed slowly, reluctantly. Unlike that Saturday, I was in no rush to make it to the door. To make it anywhere, for that matter. I tugged the hair brush through my clumped hair, swallowed down my typical bowl of cereal, and opened the door.
I slammed it shut two seconds after. Taking a deep breath, I prepared myself to open it again. I realized how much I really didn't want to go. How I didn't want to remember. How much it hurt me. But there was no turning back now.
I squeezed my eyes shut and stepped out onto the porch. The sun beat down onto my cool skin and reddened my eyelids. I breathed in slowly. Then I opened my eyes and bravely stepped towards my truck. Concentrating on not thinking about what I was about to do, I pulled open the door of the driver's side and sat down gingerly on the worn seat. Revving the engine, I pulled out of the drive, letting out the breath I realized I'd been holding in.
I wasn't sure that I'd be able to remember the exact spot where we'd gone, but I had all day, didn't I? I took the highway, and I drove on for a while, and as the time passed, I started getting panicky. It didn't look like I'd find the exit, much less the small path…
Suddenly, a spasm of familiar electric pain shot through me. Reacting instantly, I let go of the steering wheel to clutch at my stomach. The truck swerved dangerously off to the side of the road, and oddly, I wasn't on the highway anymore. Instead, my truck had stopped on a small dusty side road, and a hiking trail led into the forest …
I gasped, and leaned my head on the steering wheel. Why had this happened? This place was all too recognizable. It was almost as if the electricity had led me here, on purpose. But it didn't have a mind, of that I was sure. Oh well, at least I was here now, and here was where I had wanted to be. I wasn't sure if that was what I still wanted, I was beginning to get spooked, but an insistent pull, which seemed to be of electric nature as well, was urging me along.
I stepped slowly out of the truck and managed to put one step in front of the other. Remembering that the path wasn't the way to the meadow, I made my way in the other direction. This was going to take a while, but hopefully I'd be home before Charlie did and got worried.
The weather looked like it was holding, so that was one less thing to worry about. I trudged on into the woods, grateful for the cool shade provided by the trees.
As the minutes, then hours, crawled by, I stared to wonder if that meadow had been just an illusion, as had probably been Edward; maybe the evil vampire witch had really thought the whole thing up. My legs felt like lead weights, and I repeatedly stopped to sit down on fallen tree trunks to sip at my bottled water.
As I was thinking of turning back, the electricity jolted my being once again. I looked up from the ground that I was slowly leaving behind to look ahead. The sun filtered through the sparsely separated trees, and up ahead, I could discern a small gap, opening up from the depths of the forest.
With the last strands of my energy, I jogged, the fastest pace I could manage without killing myself, toward the sunlight. Soon enough, I emerged into a small, perfectly round clearing speckled cutely with pastel colored flowers. I gazed around in wonder, still as awed by it's beauty than the first time I had come. A wave of melancholy wiped over me, filling me with memories and… electricity. Yes, with every memory came a jolt of than buzzing feeling I now welcomed, for it was actually the last I felt of him.
I plopped down where I was standing, exhausted. I let my tired eyes take in everything again. It pained me, and incessant buzzing racked my body. It really was odd that separation could create such a phenomenon. I sat there, focusing on letting it come back, it hurt, but wouldn't it always? I hated thinking of living my future without him in it, that my husband would naturally be second choice, how would I cope with that? Maybe I'd never even have another boyfriend though; my first one hadn't turned out too great.
After a while, I lay on my back, and welcomed the memories tat brought pain along. In the long run, wasn't pain better than numbness? At least then I knew that my body remembered and it hurt.
Days could've gone by; I had lost all notion of time as I lay in the lush green grass. At some point, I remembered Charlie, and, much against my will got up and trudged homewards again. It was dusk; I had stayed longer than I really should've, but most of the time had been spent walking anyway.
The walk home was shorter than the walk towards the meadow, or maybe it only seemed that way because I hadn't an idea of where I was going when I was going to the meadow. All the same, when I made it to my truck, sunlight only barely streamed in through the evening clouds.
I hopped in and drove away, not even looking back. I had maybe found some earlier memories, but now was the time to forget about them, and live on. Maybe Edward had been but a drug, one that I still needed, that I would always need, but I had to hide it from others, from myself too.
When I drove in, the drive was still empty. Maybe Charlie had gone to a friend's. I didn't bother about supper for him then; I just heated up some leftovers for myself. As I settled myself at the table, I pulled out my schoolwork; I had been on top of it for the past few weeks. There was nothing else to do with the days. It was a desperate case.
I scribbled in the few answers on my note sheet and then rinsed my dishes. I then walked upstairs to get in a shower before a good long read in bed. The hot water soothed my aching bones, and what muscles I had. Those had been mostly stretched cruelly during my too-long trek in the woods.
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Edward's POV
Our new home was no exceptionally stunning craft. It was a rather modest-looking century-old mansion. A lot like the old one. But I didn't really pay attention to it. I hadn't either enrolled in school here in Alaska. We had come back to Alaska, but not to Denali because Carlisle didn't think seeing old friends would be such a good thing for me right now.
And he was right. I didn't want to see anybody right now, much less myself. And I had to live with myself. Of all people. I couldn't cope with what I had done to her, and I bitterly hated myself for everything I made her live through. Every day and night I would be myself up internally and eventually I lost all notion of time, and all notion of my surroundings. I rarely went out to feed, and only did so when it became crucial.
Actually, I don't know what stopped me from killing myself. Well, I kind of did. If I didn't go out to hunt, some physical electric force dragged me out of the house, forcing me ever inch of the way. And I couldn't do anything about it! Oddly enough, it seemed in some way related to what I had once experienced with Bella. That same kind of electricity like that first day at the movie. And every time it would scorch my burning mind with more painful memories.
Technically it was impossible to push Bella out of my mind; and even if I had wanted to with all my might, it was physically impossible. I had lots of pictures of her also. And those were worth fortunes to me, and though I knew it hurt me more to see her and not touch or smell her, I wouldn't burn them or throw them away; they had become my life.
Even though Bella wasn't near me anymore, the electricity seemed to connect me to her in some inexplicable way, and that somehow reassured me.
After some time however, I began to revel in the pain the electricity caused me, and it caused me lots of pain, sometimes more than others. Because, I reasoned with myself, wasn't pain better than numbness? Yes, it was, because that to, reminded me of her, and after a while I would begin to let the memories flood my mind, and sometimes I would actually lose myself in them. Forget about time and space, and present.
My family barely dared come see me, and I never hunted with them anymore; they seemed to understand that to find my peace I needed lonesomeness. Even Alice seemed to have calmed down, but she seemed strangely cheerful, probably something about the future… And maybe that should give me hope, but I was too reluctant to hope. And anyway, what good was hoping if it only smashed my hopes to the ground when something went wrong?
So, I was alone to be sad, and I was happy about that. I often heard my family's thought about me, and they were all worried, but they sympathized and left me to myself.
Sometimes I went out into the woods and ran for hours at the time, it helped forget things. Oftentimes I wouldn't come home for a day, but my family never really seemed to worry.
One day, I found a clearing, a lot like the one back in Forks. If I could've cried I would've but all I managed were broken, detached sobs. The electricity burnt through me like lightning, but I had gotten rather used to it.
Minutes blended into hours, the hours into days, the days into weeks and the weeks into months. Nothing in my life changed. Actually, it was rather bring and uneventful. Back to what it had been before Bella. And I couldn't even remember why I had done such a thing. It seemed ridiculous now that I thought of it. And in some odd way, I was sure Bella had forgiven me, and her heart ached just as much. Because that electricity seemed to carry feelings, feelings of another origin…
The more I thought of it, the more I realized that it was me and Bella that were the creators of this electricity. It really did connect us, spiritually, I guess, but it was there to keep us together, and together was how we should be. But now that I had found what I was sure was best for her, and achieved it, I wouldn't allow myself to go back; it would hurt more. And what if she had found another guy? A normal one, maybe? I wouldn't go back. No, I wouldn't, for her sake.
But I was happy about one thing. I seemed to maintain a connection with Bella, and now I welcomed the pain the electricity brought along, and the force wit which it kept me alive and brought me to the places I should be. It was almost a living creature with a mind, and it seemed to watch over my actions.
This reassured me when I most missed her because I knew she was out there alive. And most of all, I waned her to be alive, because I didn't know how she would survive Forks… But now I was gone, so it should give her more of a chance to survive.
I spent most of my time listening to music, and I usually blasted it, my ears were very fine, but at least they couldn't get desensitized.
One day, I went out into the woods, and sat down on an old log just to think to myself for a while. Suddenly, the worst jolt of pain I had ever felt literally seemed to rip apart my chest. Surprised by the impact I fell to my knees and cried out in agony. Between my screams, I heard another voice, far off, calling my name…
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Bella's POV
The Sunday following that Saturday, I went out for a leisurely walk in the woods behind my house. The weather was stunning, irresistible. After maybe an hour of walking I came across a fallen log. Weirdly, the electricity had pulled me there, and the second I sat down, the pain overcame me and I shrieked.
I fell to the ground, wrapping my arms around me, literally thinking my chest would plop out any moment. I yelled and in the blur I realized I was screaming Edward's name. The yells ripping from my throat were so painfully loud they hurt me even more. I went on and on, and it lasted minutes on end, never relenting.
Eventually, it stopped and a soothing voice that was way too familiar called out.
"Bella, oh my Bella. It's okay. I love you."
Immediately my screaming stopped and all signs of pain faded. I breathed in deep. "I love you too, Edward." And I knew I would always, and that I loved the electricity that connected our hearts. I lay there, completely satisfied, and though Edward may never come, my delusional mind would always be there to comfort me…
That's it guys! Maybe you'll have a better shot at guessing? Anyway sorry if ti took so long to post, I've bee way busy! Thx for everything! Don't be afraid to review!
