Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.
Author's Note: If you are reading this story, please let me know if you are enjoying it, your feedback would be great! Thanks.
This song, "Heaven Tonight" is just one of the greatest girl rocker songs ever and Courtney Love sounds so together and on (really for this entire album) and the song is about a girl and I love it. If you haven't ever heard "Heaven Tonight" by Hole, you should take a listen if you have the means.
Lyrics for Hole's "Heaven Tonight":
Here comes a sign in the form of a girl
She's the finest, sweetest thing in the world
Oh, take you to Heaven tonight
I feel the horses coming galloping
In the summer's end
Take you to Heaven tonight
Oh, because I love you
For what you are
I'll gallop to you
Tonight, tonight I will ride
I'll give it to you
We'll go to Heaven tonight
Tonight
I don't know why?
Oh baby, I was heading for Heaven tonight
I'll go to Heaven tonight
I feel the horses coming galloping
I'll never grow old, I'll go to Heaven tonight
Because I love you
For what you are
I'll gallop to you
Tonight, tonight I will ride
I'll bow down to you
We'll go to Heaven tonight
Tonight
I can't believe that I could be happy
Summer will come again, I could be happy
Oh, stop your crying, you could be happy
Go to Heaven when you make me happy
Here comes a kiss that I never had
Nothing feels like this, headed to Heaven tonight
I love you
Here comes a storm in the form of a girl
She's the finest, sweetest thing in the world
Oh, I'll go to Heaven tonight
For what you are
I'll gallop to you
Tonight, tonight I will ride
I'll bow down to you
We'll go to Heaven tonight
Tonight
Chapter 9 – Heaven Tonight
Derek exited the highway, finally, was all he could think. His car was too crowded, the stale air smelled bad too, a stark contrast to the untainted outdoor air they had all been breathing just three hours ago.
Thank God they were almost at there, then everyone could get back to being self-centered and self-involved and he could be left to find Meredith and make his speech to her, whatever that would be, he would figure that out when he saw her, he was sure the words would just – come to him – he would be inspired by the sight of her, flesh and blood.
What he wanted to say was that he wanted her, all of her. What he wanted to say was that, with full knowledge of how much he fucked things up the first time, was that he wanted a second chance and he would beg and plead and grovel until she succumbed to his advances and gave him that chance. He would be willing to do anything in order to be blessed enough with the chance to earn her trust, his thoughts about that haunted him since he had once said those words to her, back when they were together and happy.
"Shepherd, you're going to find Grey, right?" Burke asked, interrupting the systematic wave of thoughts crashing around in Derek's brain.
"Without a doubt, yes," he sighed and smiled. "You think she'll have me?"
"Hell yes," Burke said with certainty.
"What about you O'Malley, you think she'll take me back?" Derek inquired, making eye contact with George, who was seated in between the Chief and Alex in the back seat.
"As long as Sloan didn't get to her while we were gone, I think – OUCH!" he screamed when both the Chief and Alex rammed him in his ribs with their elbows.
"What the fuck? It's only the truth!" he screeched again.
"Guys, don't okay, he's right you know that don't you?" Derek said with a slightly bitter edge. "The thing about cancer is, it spreads, it spreads like poison ivy when you aren't looking and when you least expect it to … when you don't have your eye on the ball, he's right, it'll come along and screw your wife, or girlfriend if you're not looking."
"Except that Meredith, Meredith would never do that to you, betray you like that. Meredith doesn't have that kind of malice in her," George stated evenly as he looked Derek in the eyes through the rear view mirror.
"Yeah, dude, Meredith, that's not her MO, she's loyal, she's been wronged, she wouldn't go there, least of all with 'the cancer'," Alex chimed in.
With that Derek pressed his foot to the gas pedal and floored the car down the damp asphalt street. Light rain began to pelt over the truck. He put the wipers on and for a minute that was all anyone could hear. But for Derek, not even the intermittent wipers would drown out the barrage of thoughts racing circles in his mind.
His heart clenched in pain as the thoughts swirled and mingled and became muddled. And even though Derek knew deep down Meredith wouldn't go down that road, he couldn't trust Mark, not around Meredith. That was one thing Derek had learned from this whole mess, he couldn't trust Mark anymore than he could promise Meredith he wouldn't hurt her again.
"Change in plans," he said abruptly. "We're going straight to the hospital, I gotta get to her, it can't wait … I cannot wait."
"That's what I'm talkin' about!" bellowed the Chief.
As Derek rerouted them to the hospital, he thought about Sloan and his hands touching Meredith or something, hell even talking to her at this point would be unacceptable in Derek's mind, he felt a wave of nausea course up his spine. He thought about that smug asshole and just wondered if he had tried to make moves on her while they were all out taking fucking space, his stomach knotted again without warning, turning his abdomen into a pit of fire and rage and jealousy.
Derek made the last turn into the parking lot at the hospital. In a strange paradox, he felt this surge of momentum come over him as he came to a screeching halt in a parking spot. It was an all-consuming undercurrent of urgency to get to Meredith. All was quiet, except the humming in his heart – it felt like herd of wild horses charging in the wilderness – the humming was deafening to his ears. He sighed, he needed to get inside, but he also felt he needed a moment; he still had no idea what he was going to say to Meredith.
Derek looked through the rear view mirror; the Chief gazed out the window. "Thank God we're home, we made it, so this was –"
"Yep, it was nice fellas – but I've got to go see about a girl though – you can all get home from here, right?" Derek said urgently without waiting or caring what the other men said.
***
He hopped out of the car and charged towards the main doors in the light rain, they opened via the electronic sensor and ushered him inside where the warm dry air enveloped him. He bypassed the elevator in favor taking the stairs, he felt like he couldn't spend one more minute standing idly by when he had yet to tell Meredith how he felt about things. Derek reached the fourth floor and stopped briefly to steady himself on the landing before entering the hallway.
He was exhausted and the feeling wasn't from running up the stairs. He was tired of mourning for everything that had gone wrong in his life since he came out to Seattle, he was well aware that his elusive search for a fresh start had him running in circles and now he just needed to stop. He needed to halt, he needed the world to stop spinning so he could take a moment – take a deep breath and make a future – he needed to learn from the mistakes he had made so he could one day become that good, honorable and decent man he longed to be.
He rounded the corner to the Nurses' Station, "I'm looking for Dr. Grey," he huffed to no one in particular.
"She's off," one of them offered looking him square in the eyes.
"Thanks, I'll try the locker room," he smiled curtly and ran down the hallway.
Minutes later, he entered the Interns' Locker Room without knocking. It was strangely quiet, almost morbid or eerie, an aura he couldn't quite put his hands around. The door closed behind him with a small thud. "Meredith?" he shouted, his voice rang out a little more strident that he intended.
"She's not here," Izzie said as she stepped out from behind the lockers, Derek sighed as he saw and felt the source of that energy.
"Oh Izz – Dr. Stephens, ah, how are you?" Derek asked hesitantly.
"Yeah, I'm okay, I'll be fine … I'm just, I feel … lost, even in my own skin …," she said barely above a whisper.
"And your pain is indescribable to those around you, right?" he prodded gently.
"Yeah, sorry my brain is not working, just not working right, I can't come up with anything or any excuse, I just can't ...," she sighed.
Derek could tell she had been crying and he hated to see it, she had gotten herself into real trouble, it happened to many of them – surgeons – the personal and professional selves dual in a battle for control sometimes, not that he had ever heard of someone splicing a LVAD wire out of love before, but to each their own, he presumed. Desperation, it sucked, he had been there too … stock images of his exam room romp with Meredith flashed in and out of his head now.
It was a shame though, months ago he remembered Addison telling him she had what it took to be a great intuitive OB surgeon, he remembered her trying to teach Izzie a lesson about attachment to patients even back then. He sighed as he took in her appearance – she looked okay on the outside – but he was sure she was in shambles on the inside and he knew what that felt like first hand.
"It will get better," he offered. "The void will fill up, and eventually you'll feel healed … maybe not whole, but you'll heal … um, I know Denny wasn't just your patient," he added the last part with haste to ensure she understood the context of his words.
"You know then? Yeah, he was a lot more than that to me," she said softy.
"I know, I mean, George told me. And I know how it feels to lose someone you love, in more than one way, I do know –"
"Meredith." she interrupted.
"Excuse me?" his heart raced.
"Oh, sorry, I didn't mean that, I meant, you were looking for Meredith, right?" she said changing the subject, expertly letting both of them off the hook. "I'm moving in slow motion," she continued with a weak smile. "I was supposed to meet her at Joe's, but I don't think I can – I assume you want her – or will go there, can you tell her I won't be coming?"
"I can do that," he said with a smile.
"Thanks," she smiled. "You better get going … are you all done with your space or whatever?"
"Something like that … see you later," he smiled and so did she. He turned to leave, pulled the door open and stepped back into hallway where the life of the hospital could be seen and heard. The door closed behind him.
***
As Derek crossed the way to Joe's, still wasn't sure what reassurances he would utter to Meredith, he wasn't sure how he was going to appeal to her. The rain had dissipated and left a layer of dense humid air in its trail. He knew that over the last few weeks put himself on trial, and it wasn't pretty. He had dared himself to scrutinize and examine his actions and his history, both of which he had long since tried to ignore or compartmentalize. And he was done with it.
What was in the past – was just that – in the past and he would have to live with it, it didn't mean he had to like it … but he had to live with it. He wanted so desperately to start over, from the beginning with Meredith, recognizing the past, but begin a future at the same time. That was possible, right?
He reached the door to Joe's and held onto the handle for a moment before pulling on it, you can do this, he coached himself. He opened the door and hopefully, he thought he would step into heaven tonight.
***
He scanned the bar quickly and his eyes fell upon her almost immediately. There she was, he sighed – his beacon of hope – his Meredith, it seemed like it had been days since he had seen her, even though he only just saw her this morning. She took his breath away, just the mere sight of her sent him into a tailspin … his senses ran into overdrive and he was a goner.
He walked towards her and couldn't help but notice how the dim light danced along her beautiful skin and flowing hair, she was positively radiant – glowing even – she looked happy and at peace. Her eyes were sparkling, always sparkling, always so deep and soulful, and always full of hope. His heart raced as he neared in proximity, she looked as beautiful, if not more so, than the first time he saw her – and with that thought – he took a deep breath to quell his erratic breathing and he knew what he was going to say.
"Hi. I'm Derek Shepherd," he said with a smile, extending his hand to her. He felt a strong current run through him as he brushed his forearm against the hand she had placed on the bar. She looked up and cracked a half smile. The wild horses in his chest began their charge again – thump, thump, thump – went his heart.
"What are you doing?" she giggled, he watched her curious eyes, it was now or never, he thought courageously. He smiled.
"We met at this bar, do you remember? We met and you said 'I'm just a girl' and I said 'I'm just a guy' and we started this thing … we started this thing. You didn't know anything about me. The good, the bad, the wife. You didn't even know my name," he smiled and a small laugh came out from deep in his heart. "You didn't know me. I want you to know me. I want to start over … from the beginning," he held his hand out to her again – please take it, please just take the offering – he thought as he continued. "So, hi, I'm Derek Shepherd."
Derek meant every word he said, he wanted her to know him, the real him, not the guy with secrets and baggage – just him – the guy in the bar who one night met his soul mate and fell head over heels in love.
He wanted and needed for her to know this man. He wanted her to love him for whom he really was inside, he hoped to hell she already did. She smiled, but wasn't buying it.
"You walked away, and now it's too late. There's too much water under then thing or whatever," she said noncommittally, but her eyes betrayed her a thousand times over, she scanned his eyes for confirmation.
"Meredith, please," was all his brainless brain could choke out. He smiled, silently begging her to give him the chance he so desperately wanted. He scanned her eyes while she gazed at him and beyond for a moment – what was she thinking – and then he saw it, the glimmer of hope, it flashed across her eyes so quick, anyone who didn't know her would have missed it. And then a small flirtatious smile played along her luscious lips.
"Hi. I'm Meredith Grey. It's nice to meet you," she said as she extended her hand.
And Derek's world stopped spinning, he took her hand in his, the sweet, sultry timbre of her voice as her name rolled off her tongue was like symphony. His heart rate spiked as he took her hand, Margie was right, hot damn – Meredith had offered her hand – she met him half way on this, they were both in it. Together.
"Very nice to meet you too," Derek said officially for the first time and then she closed the distance between them, her hot breath he loved so much breezed across his ear as he lowered his head to kiss her, no – to do more than kiss her – to go to heaven and beyond with his love … to breathe life and hope and promise into their second relationship.
Chapter 10 to follow.
