A/N: I've loved all the reactions I've been receiving to this story. Thank you again! I know many of you have been waiting on this chapter, and I just want to say it may be a little tough to read, but things will get better. I hope you do enjoy.
Disclaimer: I own nothing of Criminal Minds. I'm just playing a little.
Chapter 12 - A Long Time Coming
When Penelope opened the door to Derek's knock, his face was the last one she ever expected to see looking back at her. Her brain froze and the ability to form words deserted her. At the same time, however, another part of her brain greedily drank in the sight of him – impossibly tall though he was slouched against the doorframe, gorgeous chocolate skin, perfect face with those beautiful, beautiful eyes … and oh God, was he always that amazingly built? Derek seemed somehow larger than life, and everything in her entire being cried out in sheer relief at being so close to him again.
One look at his face tore that feeling to shreds. Past the fact he was scowling, and his expression thunderous, it was the ice-cold fury in his eyes that shattered all her illusions and made her stutter helplessly.
"Wh … what are you d.. doing here? How… how did you …?"
For a long moment, Derek merely stared at Penelope, stunned and caught off guard standing in the doorway, a drab brown and blue room forming a backdrop behind her.
"Hello, Penelope." He said, with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. He looked her up and down, his expression almost scornful, and a false sweetness entered his tone, making his words sound almost, but not quite, mocking. "You're looking well."
She knew it was a lie. She felt terrible, especially today and just the thought of the conversation that was inevitably coming made her weary. She heard it in her voice when she answered, "What do you want, Derek?"
"Don't you think you should start with a different question? Like maybe … 'why'?" He asked, raising one eyebrow sardonically at her.
The gesture twisted in her chest, hitting dead center. It was one of the things she'd always loved – how his expressive brows always told the story of what he was feeling. This time they told her that she could expect no compassion from him, and her first instinct was to protect herself.
"Believe me," she sneered. "That was the next question!"
In those first few moments, despite the anger that shimmered in his every cell, Derek's parched soul drank in the sight of her, the scent – apples and cinnamon, such warm smells – the sound of her voice. Every tiny bit of her essence made its way in to fill him up like a thirsty man given water. It was all he could do not to haul her into his arms, crush her to his chest and force her to swear she'd never leave him again.
A moment later, Penelope brought her hand up to swipe it tiredly across her face, and the diamond on her left hand glittered obscenely in the dome light above the door. Instantly, the entire past year rushed back in and slammed into Derek's chest so that he promptly shuttered his aching, greedy heart. He absolutely hated that she could make him feel so much! It was giving into his feelings for her in the first place that made him so vulnerable when she left, and he had had just about enough of hurt and betrayal.
"Aren't you going to invite me in, Penelope?"
There was such dark thunder in his voice; Penelope moved one hand instinctively to her stomach.
"I … uh … don't think that's such a good …" she trailed off helplessly, shaking her head.
"C'mon." Derek stated flatly. "I'm sure you don't want to have this conversation in your doorway, Penelope."
Despite his tone, when she looked at him, what she saw most of all was the man who had once been her best friend, and who she knew would never deliberately hurt her. She lowered her arm and gestured for him to come in.
I'm not so sure I want to have it at all. She thought with an ache in her heart as he walked past her into the main room. Still, she felt as though she owed him.
She watched him make his way to the couch, his arrogant swagger totally unchanged. He took a seat, stretching one arm along the back in a casual gesture, somehow managing to dwarf the overstuffed brown loveseat. He looked calm, but his very next words irrevocably shattered that illusion.
"What the fuck were you thinking?"
Penelope flinched as she sat down facing him. Derek didn't miss the involuntary movement, but he reminded himself again to harden his heart.
He almost missed her whispered words. "You shouldn't have come."
"So I'm not even worth, what … ten minutes of your time?" There was such disdain in Derek's voice. "Shit! What am I even asking? Of course I'm not. You already proved that."
"It wasn't like that!" Penelope's protested instinctively, but it sounded weak even to her own ears.
"Really?" Derek raised an eyebrow at her again. "Then maybe you could explain what the fuck it was like, Penelope, because I sure as hell can't."
As he spoke, he looked around, the drabness of the room really registering to him. It looked and felt nothing like the Penelope he remembered. For the first time, Derek wondered why he had really come. Stop looking for evidence of the old Penelope. He reprimanded himself bitterly. Now you're wasting time. Get your answers and go!
Trying to gain just a moment's respite to gather her thoughts, Penelope didn't answer him, asking instead, "How did you find me?"
"All you need to know is that it wasn't anyone on the team."
"But …"
"Quit stalling." Derek growled, leaning forward. "Just tell me how the hell you could abandon your whole life … just like that?"
"It wasn't 'just like that', Derek." Penelope raised her eyes to meet his own, willing him to understand. "I'm sorry, I know I made some tough choices, and I have to live with the consequences. Please, just trust me. It was better that way."
"Better for whom?" Derek snapped, and she saw the fire flare in his eyes.
"Everyone! I moved on … just like you did before I ever left." She glanced down to her hands in her lap and didn't see him tense. "Things change, Derek … friendships change. They always do."
"What the hell are you talking about, P?" Derek bit out angrily. "I was always your friend!"
"Yes … always my friend, until you were never there." Penelope whispered sadly.
"What?" He practically roared the question, making her jump.
"Derek, you were the last to find out I was engaged to Kevin." Her voice turned husky as she remembered how it had hurt to feel him pulling away from her. "And why? Because I had to make three attempts before you could find the time to meet me."
"That's not how I remember it." His voice was more controlled reflecting his surprise at her words.
"That's how it was!" Now that she had begun to speak, it was as if the dam had burst, and everything she had held inside for so long came pouring out. "In the months before I got engaged, you had less and less time for me. Maybe you assumed because I had Kevin, I didn't need you anymore, but it wasn't true! It wasn't! And I tried so hard to tell you."
Penelope drew in a gasping breath. Tears glistened in her eyes, but she could still see the faintest reflection of surprise on Derek's face. When she had herself a little more under control, she continued speaking into the silence.
"But Kevin was there. He offered me everything I had ever wanted. It was my last chance … my only chance to have the family I dreamed of for so long. Can't you try to understand that?"
"So what part of that meant you couldn't have your friends too?" Derek asked quietly.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Derek. That was how Kevin wanted it." Penelope whispered, ashamed of having to admit to that. "I thought if I could just … make him happy, I could have the life I dreamed of. By the time I understood what he was doing, it was too late. Too much time had passed. I knew no one … you especially … would be able to forgive me."
Derek was stunned into silence. He had come there believing Penelope's defense would be to justify choosing Kevin over them, but despite actually hearing her say the words, he found himself still unable to accept it.
Into the silence, Penelope whispered. "I felt it was my only chance … and I took it."
It was the hurt Derek refused to give voice to that made him speak his next words. "And look where that got you!"
For the first time, Penelope looked up and stared directly into Derek's eyes. "I won't deny I deserved that. But all I wanted was a family of my own."
"You had a family!" He stood suddenly, looming over her. "What? Wasn't good enough for you?"
Her eyes were sad as she stood to face him, but her voice was steady. "If you're only here to tear into me, Derek, I think you should probably go."
It was as though he hadn't heard her.
"Family?" The single word was loaded with derision as Derek looked her up and down a final time. "You don't have the first idea what 'family' means!"
No longer interested in her response, Derek turned on his heel and strode to the door. As he walked out without once looking back, he missed the longing look Penelope herself didn't even know she had on her face.
He also missed her brokenhearted response.
"I know."
