This takes place after the Sasuke and Sai arc. I think it's called that. Sasuke's first appearance in Shippuden. Slight manga spoilers for that whole thing with Rin. Also, you guys know how updates have been taking me about a month now? Well, school starts back August 1st (fuck you, school board, for moving that date back three weeks, yeah, real fucking great idea that was) so updates will come even less frequently. I'm a senior now, which means college apps and six APs. *unenthusiastic cheer* well… thank you for reviewing, and enjoy!
Tsunade made her appearance only thirty minutes after Jiraiya had.
And Kakashi ignored her, as he was prone to do, deciding he had better things to occupy his mind with. Normally, such things were Icha Icha related, or perhaps trying to catch even a whiff of something that wasn't antiseptic or blood or otherwise unpleasant, or even trying to count all of his teeth with his tongue.
(Never let it be said that Hatake Kakashi didn't find wonderfully important ways to spend his time.)
But, for once, he actually had something to occupy his considerable mental faculties with. And it wasn't even his next plot to escape from this godforsaken excuse for a hospital.
"They ran into Sasuke, Kakashi."
That wasn't supposed to have happened. They weren't supposed to have run into the rogue, former member of Team Seven. They were just meant to capture the spy, drag him back to Konoha, and maybe get a little acquainted with Sai, since they were going to be spending a lot of time together and oh did Kakashi hate when he had to work with constant bickering and shouting matches. Sasuke and Orochimaru weren't anywhere in that.
But they'd gotten themselves involved, because Orochimaru just loved to stick his nose into places it had no business being… and then newly forged Team Kakashi had almost died on their very first mission.
This was certainly a wakeup call, if the last three years hadn't been enough. Sasuke had attacked without provocation. He had nearly stabbed Tenzou in the heart with a bolt of lightening, he'd clashed swords with Sai, and his katana had come within an inch of Naruto's throat. Only to be called off- by Orochimaru, no less- before he slaughtered them all.
It was one thing for him to abandon Konoha. It was quite another to actively try and kill his old team.
That's probably my fault, too, he thought miserably. For pounding into those three so hard that you never left a teammate behind for anything. And now Sasuke was trying to prove, to them or maybe even to himself, that he wasn't a part of Team Seven anymore.
The most obvious way to do that was to go after them like they were his enemy.
Kakashi pushed down a momentary surge of aggravation. How could Sasuke really be this deluded? How could he imagine that even this was worth it? He'd known the boy was troubled, but to be turned into this? Even after three years with Orochimaru… such a change was unspeakably drastic.
He'd tried to say his piece all those years ago, tried to convince him that revenge wasn't worth him trading in his life and soul for. And even while the months and years had passed without any sign from the missing Uchiha, he had held out hope, a tiny bit of ridiculously naive hope that even while he trained and followed the perverse Sannin, he was still only being an opportunist and taking advantage of Orochimaru's willingness to teach him- not that he was actually going to change.
Boy, was I wrong.
"And oh, damn, but I told Hanami to take the rest of the day off, and I forgot to assign you another nurse for tonight. I hope it's okay that no one will be checking up on you."
Kakashi blinked and glanced over at the Hokage in irritation. She was still here? Couldn't she just leave him to think and mope in peace?
"And what with the staff meeting tonight, the only employee on the floor is going to be Narizu. Honestly, that man sleeps on the job so much I'm shocked I haven't fired him yet."
When had he given the indication that he gave a damn about her staffing problems? Kakashi snuggled down into his blankets and rolled onto his side, hoping she would get the message and just leave.
"You could probably just walk right out of here and, as long as you were back by nine tomorrow morning, no one would even notice."
If you're going to keep me locked up in here, you could at least leave me locked up in peace instead of…
Oh.
Kakashi turned his head to see Tsunade glaring down at him, probably upset at having to spell it out so vividly for him- which wasn't really his fault; he had good reason to be distracted! When it became clear he understood, the blond nodded slightly and turned away, walking to the door of his hospital room. "Well, good night, Kakashi," she called back, purposefully leaving the door cracked open a little, as if he needed another hint.
Well, it had the potential to be, at any rate.
Before Jiraiya had come, given him the news, and thrashed any opportunity for a good night's sleep.
Kakashi only waited five minutes after Tsunade's departure to try and make his escape. Standing up was a chore, and standing up again after his legs had given out and his head had swam to the point of him collapsing was even harder. He held his head in his hands and groaned, trying to focus through the suddenly splitting headache and just breathe until the abrupt nausea abated. With a deep breath, he tried standing again, and it took him a few moments of groping along the wall to manage to keep himself upright and not hit the floor.
Kakashi swore under his breath. He hated to admit it, but the medics were right. He'd tried to cajole Tsunade into letting him go home two days ago but she'd just told him he wasn't ready yet, and she'd been right. He could barely walk, let alone take care of himself. This was the worst he'd ever had it, except for perhaps after what had happened with Rin.
He sighed and scratched at his suddenly aching scar. There was no use thinking about that now. He was supposed to be figuring out a way to get all the way to Naruto's apartment when just standing was an ordeal, not getting the lost in the past.
When he'd been up for a few minutes and felt considerably more steady on his feet, Kakashi cautiously lowered his hands, no longer relying on the wall for support. Emboldened when the world didn't tilt on its axis, he grabbed the two Icha Icha books Jiraiya had given him for his convalescence and managed to make his way far enough to poke his head out the door. Sure enough, the floor was deserted. Deciding to not bother making his escape appear anymore clandestine or secretive than it really was, he just buried his nose in an Icha Icha and slouched away to the stairs.
Kakashi woke when the door creaked open. He twitched at the sound of a zipper, then the soft clank of metal hitting the floor, tried to will up the strength to move, then declared it much too troublesome and opted to wait instead.
He was rewarded when, after only a few seconds of Naruto wondering around his living room/kitchen/gigantic trash can, one blond head popped around the corner to his bedroom/closet. Naruto didn't even bother to turn on the lights, just stumbled forward and crashed right down onto his bed.
There was the predictable panicked yell, followed by a scramble and the sound of Naruto tripping before the room was flooded with light, to reveal one panting genin with a kunai in hand and one sheepish jounin, beaming smile hidden by his mask.
It was still for a moment, and then Naruto slumped, in either exasperation or relief, Kakashi wasn't sure. The fifteen year old stuck the kunai under his pillow before turning to lean back against the wall, rubbing a hand over his face and through his hair. "Why the hell are you in my bed, Niisan?!"
Kakashi grinned. "Maa… it started out like this. Tsunade-sama decided I needed some good old-fashioned Vitamin D. And so, she-"
"You could've just stuck your stupid head out the window. …Hey! It's midnight! What Vitamin D; the sun set hours ago!"
"You didn't let me finish!"
Naruto groaned loudly. He sank down the wall to sit on the floor, cradling his head in his hands. "…Save it, Kakashi-niisan."
The usually loud, boisterous voice was low, almost defeated- and that spoke volumes. Kakashi remained still for a moment, just watching him, then pushed himself upright, turning so he was facing Naruto. "Where've you been, anyway? You just got back from a mission. That's not exactly the best time for a night out on the town."
Naruto stayed where he was, blue eyes staring blankly at the floor, head braced against his hand, fingers tangled in his hair. "I was with Iruka-sensei, actually." The mutter was soft, almost inaudible, and quickly followed by a quiet sigh.
"Iruka… mmm. I guess I'm unneeded here, then." Which is kind of good; wasn't looking forward to talking about this all night. Or talking about it ever. "If you've already talked about… what happened with him, then-"
"I didn't actually tell him."
Kakashi blinked. It took him a moment to find his voice, and when he did, he scooted forward, shortening the distance between them before he cleared his throat. "Oh."
Naruto didn't move, or even respond to the statement in any way. When he just continued to sit there, unmoving, Kakashi tried to catch his eye. "Any particular reason you didn't?"
Naruto looked away. He slowly pulled a knee up to his chest, wrapped his arms around it, and rested his head on it, staring blankly in the other direction. When he spoke again, his voice was unexpectedly morose- filled with a sadness Kakashi was worried he would find, a realization that he himself had tried to deny until the cold, hard truth was only too clear. "I didn't want Sensei to call me an idiot. I didn't want him to look at me like I was stupid, like- I should've expected this. I know Iruka-sensei would never do that but… I couldn't help it."
There was more to come, and Kakashi stayed silent as Naruto abruptly stood, pacing off nervous, restless energy as he continued. "I mean, it's like everybody else already saw it. That Sasuke- That Sasuke had changed. Like Sakura-chan and I were the only people who still thought he was the same old Sasuke that left three years ago. Heh." Naruto shook his head bitterly. "Stupid us. He tried to kill me back then and I still thought…"
"I know, Naruto," he muttered. "I thought the same." Still hung on to the last tenuous threads of hope that their friend was still their friend, that they hadn't failed him and it wouldn't be long until this was all just a distant nightmarish memory- that Sasuke was still their friend.
The blond's head whipped around to stare at him. His eyes blinked wide, but only for a moment before he regained his composure and started up his pacing. "I thought that he would kill Itachi and then come back home, and everything would be okay. I know, I know, he's missing nin and all, but it's not like he'd done anything against Konoha! And Itachi's a criminal and everything; I thought that if Sasuke killed him then the village would have to take him back. But- but I- I never thought that he'd-…"
"That plan relies on Sasuke wanting to come home," Kakashi cut in gently.
Naruto raised his head in the slightest impersonation of a defeated nod. "…Yeah."
The and now, he doesn't want to come home went unspoken by the both of them.
Naruto's pacing slowed to a hesitant stop. He now stood on the other side of the room, then quickly fell back against the wall like all the energy had been sucked out of him. "I'm worried." The confession was quiet, almost uncertain, hooded blood eyes dark and fearful. "…And the worst part is… I don't know anymore, if I'm worried about what Orochimaru will do to him- or… or what he'll do to himself."
Kakashi found himself unable to meet Naruto's eyes.
He didn't know what would be worse at that point- Orochimaru taking over Sasuke's body as he'd always planned, or Sasuke continuing on his current path and destroying himself all on his own.
He remembered distantly the bright-eyed naiveté of Naruto a long three years ago, when he'd promised that he'd bring Sasuke back no matter what. He'd let himself believe that solid determination, unwavering bravery, because Naruto was an easy person to believe and he so wanted what he was saying to be true. Which was probably the same reason why Sakura had believed him when he smiled that brilliantly false smile at her and promised that everything would be okay.
Because everything certainly wasn't okay now, and Naruto may not be able to get Sasuke back. Kakashi may not have seen it himself, but he could tell by the dark, almost lost look in Naruto's eyes that the Sasuke they'd met was not the same Sasuke that had left. It wasn't the one they still pursued, even now, and it wasn't the one they dreamed for and pictured when they looked at their old Team Seven photo, filled with longing for days that would never come to pass again.
That Sasuke was gone.
Any lingering doubts that Naruto, too, had been forced to realize this horrifying truth, vanished with the blond's next words.
"Kakashi-niisan… at the Valley of the End, Sasuke- he told me the price of getting the Mangekyou." Blue eyes flitted to Kakashi, and the jounin could already tell then where this was going. He raised a hand almost unconsciously and covered his Sharingan, lightly tracing the scar and resisting the urge to shiver.
Naruto continued without pause. "And you have it now."
Kakashi shifted uneasily in the dead silence that followed. Naruto opened his mouth again, then shut it, as if he was unsure of what to say, and Kakashi swallowed thickly and shook his head. "It wasn't like this, Naruto. Yes, I- I did kill my closest friend. But it wasn't anything like this. She hadn't gone rogue, she wasn't an enemy, she- … was just in the wrong place at the wrong time." Quite literally.
His right hand, his chidori hand, suddenly felt very cold. Kakashi blinked down at the scarred flesh. He found himself searching for the mark the sharp tip of her rib had pierced into his hand, the tiny wound he'd refused to let anyone heal, then tore his eyes away and shoved his hand into his pocket, hiding it.
What had happened back then wasn't going to happen now. Trying to draw parallels between the two situations was only going to make him feel sick, picturing Naruto in his place after that utter disaster, how much that had hurt-
His heart throbbed in protest at the very idea, both at Sasuke and dying and Naruto living through what he had, and he shook his head forcefully before he could think too far along that possibility. It just wasn't going to happen, so there was no use in thinking about it.
"…Do you think- Niisan, do you think I'll… if I have to, do you think that I could-" Naruto broke off and shook his head, voice wavering. He took a moment to breathe in the heavy silence, then tried again, voice shaking worse than before but no longer tripping over his words, almost afraid to say it.
"Do you think that if I had to, I could kill Sasuke?"
Kakashi's head snapped up.
Well, there went all his hope at never thinking of that possibility again.
He met Naruto's eyes, nothing how his voice had broken on the word kill and his eyes were now lost and scared and wide, because Naruto didn't want to kill Sasuke, didn't want to be able to, even, but now the possibility couldn't be ignored any longer.
"I couldn't kill Rin, when I had to," Kakashi whispered at last, and Naruto looked away. He seemed almost relieved, and that made Kakashi loathe to continue and take away what small peace he had given- but the he kept speaking anyway. Because he was going to give the whole truth, and not just a part of it. "But you've always been stronger than me, Naruto."
The look on Naruto's face in that moment made it feel like someone had just ripped Kakashi's heart out of his chest and stomped on it.
He opened his mouth to take it back, then shut it and stayed silent. Anything he said would just be empty, pathetic words, and they both knew it. Words meant little now.
"I'm sorry."
Kakashi looked back at Naruto then. Wasn't he the wrong one to be apologizing?
The blond sank back to the floor, hands over his face, shoulders shaking. "You're right, and I wish you weren't. I'm sorry that you're right. I could. Damn it, Niisan, if he- if he tried to hurt you, or Sakura-chan, or- or this village, then I- I could do it. I could kill him. I'm sorry. After everything, after all this time of you telling us that only something worse than scum goes against their teammate- I can still do it. I can still kill him. I wish I couldn't; what kind of a person does that make me, Niisan?!" he cried, slamming a fist against the floor. His voice was shaking; his face, distraught. "I don't want to kill him! I don't want to hurt him- I- I just want him to come home!"
The frustrated scream echoed off the walls, young voice filled with a heart-rending pain far beyond its years. Naruto let out a frantic, desperate sob mixed with rage as he curled into himself, a piercing longing glistening in his eyes that made Kakashi's heart ache.
Why couldn't Sasuke see this?
Why couldn't he see that all they wanted was for him to come home?
But he didn't even care anymore, he thought bitterly. He'd tried to kill them. If Sasuke thought of this place as his home anymore, it certainly didn't show.
If he thought of anything anymore besides his own cursed revenge, it didn't show.
Naruto stood unsteadily. His stumbling steps took him across the room, and he reached out with one shaking hand to raise the picture of Team Seven. He stared at it unblinkingly for one long, horrible moment.
Time almost seemed to stand still as they both looked at the photo of preserved happiness, a team that had brought the both of them far more heartbreak then joy.
And then the moment passed, and Naruto raised his arm to hurl it against the floor.
The glass shattered, and Naruto's resolve went with it.
The blond crumpled on the bed next to Kakashi, staring blindly down at his shaking fingers, expression blank and shattered by devastation. Kakashi didn't ask for an explanation, nor did he think he would get one if he bothered to.
Perhaps continuing to look at what, he now knew, would never exist again was just too painful.
Naruto fell asleep that night, curled up into an exhausted ball while his head had somehow ended up nestled against Kakashi's side. The jounin never once moved.
His lone eye looked down at the blond, expression still so tortured even in sleep, and made a decision.
If it did come down to them killing Sasuke, then he would be the one to do it.
Naruto might hate him for that, and he might not, but it came down to him just plain refusing to let the blond go any further down this path. Naruto had learned tonight that he was capable of killing his best friend, and that had broken him enough.
Actually carrying out the act would be far worse than this, he knew.
And so, if the day did come when Sasuke truly turned against Konoha and Team Seven found themselves facing him in battle once again, Kakashi would be the one to deal the fatal blow. It didn't really matter if he could handle it or not.
Just that Naruto couldn't.
That was all he had to know. Kakashi could very well remember the strangling agony he'd woken up to after one swift blow had ended Rin's life, of knowing he'd failed Obito, knowing he'd ripped apart everything Minato had loved- that pain wasn't something he would wish upon his worst enemy.
And it would be worse for Naruto, he knew, because Naruto wasn't like him. Naruto wasn't cold like him; he hadn't been a shinobi since before he could read, he was warm and alive and had feelings that he just couldn't turn off. Kakashi hadn't learned to live with the guilt from Obito and Rin and doubted he ever would, but Naruto; that crushing guilt would kill him.
Kakashi would kill Sasuke himself before he watched Naruto suffer like he had.
He closed his eye tightly at the thought, a sudden chill taking a firm hold of him and refusing to let go. He remembered Minato's shaking words to him after Obito, and again after Rin, and always in his nightmares after Kyuubi.
It's okay.
He could try to do as Minato would have, carry on the torch and repeat his words now. But it wouldn't help Naruto just like it hadn't helped him, because they weren't true.
No, it wasn't okay. It never had been and it never would be.
