First off I would like to thank you all for your support with this story. The reviews help keep me writing. Life has prevented me from posting sooner. This was a hard chapter to write. I wanted to try and get some sense of Jackson Grace here. She is a kid who is a bit pissed off and the hand that life has dealt her. A medical issue has her activities limited, her mom works hard to take care of her, but she is missing out on that idea of family that others have.
Lego House
I'm gonna pick up these pieces and build a Lego house. If things go wrong we can knock it down.
Life so far had been a balancing act. I mean for so long it had only been me and mom. She busted her butt to take care of both of us. Me, mostly if I was honest about it. She always put herself last, not even second, just flat out last. She constantly worried, about me, about her patients, about what was going on with that crazy douche bag Josh. And when she had a free moment she worried about my dad. When I was little I would ask where he was, because everyone else had a dad, grandfather, stepdad, or uncle around, and she would tell me stories about them when they were young. I never understood if that meant he wasn't around because he didn't want to be, couldn't be, if he didn't want me, didn't want her, didn't want us both, was he dead. I knew from what she told me that I looked like him, and that he and I shared a genetic heart condition, it had killed my uncle who I was partly named for. Some days I got mad at her, for purposely naming for people that brought her grief. She cried after she talked to me about my dad and Uncle Tommy. She didn't know that I heard her, I let her think she had me convinced that she was super mom holding it all together, and maybe true strength was the ability to hold it together the way she did.
I don't know when exactly I started searching things out for myself, I just remember finding a copy of a newspaper article on the internet with a picture of him. There is he was, alive and well. Okay maybe not well, he was handcuffed and in some kind of trouble. It pissed me off, and while I didn't want mom to know that I had been snooping to find information on him it was hard not to restrain myself one evening when she spontaneously started in on a story about him and her friend Opie and how something I had said reminded of him. "Yeah well, maybe if cared more about me than about his damn MC then I would give a crap about him!" I had yelled at her, something I never did. But since he had decided not to be in my life, I wasn't interested in hearing anymore about him. I of course had a lot of explaining to do after she was done yelling at me for talking to her the way that I had.
My three words have two meanings. There's one thing on my mind. It's all for you.
After that, she gave me the whole truth. It still didn't endear him to me, sure all the old stories were funny and I had to admit I was like him, and I was still curious about him and where my mom had come from, but that he would let her leave, that I didn't understand. She told me one day it would make sense. I felt like I was going to be waiting a long time for that day to come.
We maintained a simple routine. Until I got medical clearance, no sports that could cause heart issues. I had learned really early on that I liked art, drawing. Mom thought that my creative side came from him, because working even though he worked as a mechanic true skill was taking a hunk of metal and make it into something amazing, her words, not mine. I liked different things, and anything sports related well I had to stick to watching and drawing. It sucked, but I knew about all the best teams, players, stats for games. I didn't have a lot of friends, I kept to myself most of the time. So when mom said we were moving to Charming, California I was okay with it.
And it's dark in a cold Decemeber, but I've got you to keep me warm. If you're broken I will mend you and I'll keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on now.
Part of me figured we were moving because of Josh, mean we had already moved twice, changed the locks, and phone numbers. I'm 9, not dumb. The closer we got to my mom's childhood home, the more nervous we both got. She was afraid of what was going to happen when he found out about me. And I was afraid that he was going to do nothing, that after ten years it wasn't going to matter.
I kept an eye on any internet postings from the local newspaper that might give any hints about him, or things there. I knew enough about my father so that when we headed to Charming I had more to go on that just the cheesy stories my mom told. I was prepared.
I'm out of touch, I'm out of love. I'll pick you up when you're getting down. And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now. I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind. I'll do it all for you in time. And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now, now.
But I wasn't prepared for the exacts of things once they happened. Our first morning he was there sitting on the porch steps. He looked just like the photos I had found. I know mom had been nervous. She had told "Piney" our neighbor everything. I guess he had looked out for her has a kid and growing up because my grandfather hadn't been very good at taking care of her. I spent my first full day in Charming sitting around at the Teller-Morrow Garage where my dad worked as a mechanic. He was about as interested in me being there as I was. I pulled out my Ipod and listened to music while I drew different pictures. I had drawn plenty of him based on the pictures I had found, but seeing him at work was different. About an hour or two after sitting on the floor I had to get up and move around. He never noticed, a couple of the other guys around the shop did. I looked just like him, but he didn't know who I was, not really so he just told them I was a friend's daughter that he was asked to keep an eye on while she started a new job. Yeah cause that doesn't sound suspicious at all.
I'm gonna paint you by numbers. And color you in. If things go right we can frame it and put you on a wall.
One of the younger guys that worked there, saw me move to a spot in the sun and out of the way of the cars and motorcycles.
"Hey kid. You've been here a while. Have you had anything to eat?" His shirt said his name was Kip.
"I had breakfast before I got here," I looked at my watch my med alarm would go off soon and I had to have food of some kind with it and as if on cue my stomach growled. "Is there a vending machine of anything around here? I could use crackers or something."
"Um no vending machine, but I could grab drive through or something. I mean I feel kind of bad that you have been just sitting around here all morning." He looked over toward my dad, "Your mom is a friend of Jax's, so um, well he'd probably be okay with me making sure you had lunch. He'll be working on that bike for a while. Why don't you hang at that table over there and I'll be back in a few. Anything in particular you prefer?" Kip spoke, he sounded nervous, but he seemed to be acting like taking the initiative to feed me would be looked positively upon. As he was heading to the truck, I noticed he put on a sleeveless leather vest that said "Prospect". Mom had talked about how my dad had to do all kinds of jobs for the older guys in the motorcycle club when he was a prospect. Kip's willingness to get me lunch suddenly made more sense.
And it's hard to say it but I've been here before. Now I'll surrender up my heart, and I'll swap it for yours.
I sat at the picnic table and drew in my book. Kip was back in about 10 minutes, he went into the warehouse looking building behind me to grab me a cup and a plate so that I didn't "have to eat off the dirty table". When he came back and tried to make sure I was all set I nodded and told him "I'll put in a good word with him." He grinned and shrugged his shoulders.
"I've only been prospecting a few months, you put that good word in for me in about six months. If you need anything, let me know." Kip smiled and seemed to relax a bit. One of the older guys, Tig, was watching the two of us. I put my headphones on while I ate and about 20 minutes later when I down to just a few fries left and back to doodling he finally noticed I was gone. I caught it out of the corner of my eye, he tensed and looked around. It was that look of someone who had lost something important. For a moment I figured it wasn't even me that he was looking for, maybe he had dropped something on the ground for the bike and couldn't find it. The guy Tig who had been eyeing me the whole time I sat here gestured in my direction and Jax turned looking. Huh, I guess he was looking for me. I pretended not to notice.
I'm out of touch, I'm out of love. I'll pick you up with you're getting down. And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now. I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind. I'll do it all for you in time. And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now.
He strolled over to where I was sitting. It was his first attempt at small talk with me. It didn't really go well. Mostly we discussed my drawings. At one point he had the nerve to ask me about my dad.
"Where is your dad, kid?" He asked.
I wanted to shout at him, scream You are my dad! Are you blind?! Instead I took my book from him and flipped a couple of pages and then turned it back to so he could see.
"Right there. Anymore questions?" I had shown him a drawing of my mom's tattoo, the one she got when they were together. It was supposed to be her symbol of being marked his forever. Her crow. Apparently he had added the design of his name, Jackson, and the word Soulmate in Irish Gaelic.
He ran a hand across his face, the color drained right out of it. "Shit."
Well I guess that says it all. I couldn't help but quirk an eyebrow again.
I then turned the book back toward me and closed it and then quietly said "I was born with it, you didn't ask about that, just thought you should know."
I wanted nothing more than for him to leave me alone sitting at that table. Hell I'd take Kip or even that guy Tig's company over his right now.
Don't hold me down. I think my braces are breaking, and it's more than I can take.
"My mom will be here soon, you don't have to pretend to babysit me anymore. I know you have work to do. It's okay, I won't move from this spot until she gets here. And I won't talk to anyone. I'll blend like always."
He got up and walked away. Tig said something to him, he looked over his shoulder at me and shrugged. Kip checked in on me before heading out in the tow truck. About 30 minutes later he came back in the truck with the remains of what was an expensive car. There was a deer sticking out of the windshield. I He parked so I couldn't really see deer anymore, but he went and got one of the other guys. Chibs is what he had yelled out, and the guy turned. I made note of the name, just in case I ever needed to talk to him. Together they figured out a way to get Jax's attention and then it was the three of them huddled around the car. I figured they were trying to come up with away to get the deer out of the car.
The next thing I knew he was rushing me to the truck Kip had driven. "Come on kid, you need to come with me. Hopefully your mom is done and won't be pissed about you being with me."
He was giving Tig some lame story in case my mom showed up there. But I could tell he wasn't buying it.
And it's dark in a cold December, but I've got you to keep me warm. If you are broken I will mend you and I'll keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on now.
"So if some random chick shows up looking for a kid, is there a name that I should know as proof that it is the right one?" Jax hadn't used my name all day. I wanted to laugh. He had never asked, and no one had bothered to tell him at any point what my name was.
"Grace-Thomas." I called over to him. Better keep it simple for now. He nearly freaked out when he saw the picture of mom's tatoo. I could only imagine what would happen when he got my full name.
"Okay, see you around Grace Thomas. Hey, Jax, call if you need anything. " He said as Jax got in the truck and started it up. He drove pretty fast out of the lot and through town to where hospital was.
"What's your whole name darlin'? I'm not as dumb as Tig, you clearly left something out. " He turned to look at me while driving faster than necessary.
"My whole name? You sure you are ready for that? You didn't take things so well regarding who my dad was." He looked like he was going to be sick.
"Yeah, lay it on me darlin'. I'd like to know what I should have referred to you all day as. Not to mention, my mom is going to be at the hospital when we get there. And she is way more observant that those guys at the shop and clubhouse. She's gonna take one look at you and know something is up. I better have a name to introduce you as should she lay eyes on you before your mom and I get a chance to talk." Yup, he was going to lose it alright, and now he bought up another factor. My grandmother. Well better to just lay it on him.
"Jackson Grace-Thomas Teller. My friends call me Grace, and my mom calls me Jac." I said waiting for him to either throw up or have a heart attack right here in the truck.
"Nice to meet you darlin'. I'm Jackson Nathaniel Teller." He was quick to recover. Interesting. It took several minutes before he spoke again. "By the way, why did you leave out your first and last name when you said it to Tig?" He asked.
"I told you, my mom told me all her stories. I had an idea about who he was. I'm 9, but I'm not stupid." I said as we pulled into the parking lot at St. Thomas.
"Okay, Grace, brace yourself. I don't know what the hell is going on but if Gemma is here, she's probably going to pounce once she sees you." This was a clear warning that I was to stay out of the way so that no one saw me.
When we approached the entrance I made sure to stay several paces behind him, and off to the side. It was less likely to look like I was walking in with him, he didn't seem to notice too caught up in trying to figure out what must have been going on that he got called here. We entered at the Emergency waiting room he checked to see where we should head and the woman at the desk sent us up to the third floor. I followed but made sure not to look like I was actually with him when we got off the elevator heading toward another waiting area and I grabbed a chair to sit. A woman I recognized from pictures ran up to Jax. She was speaking fast, and I couldn't make out everything. At one point during their talk she looked over at me. I think it was just the fact that I was there that drew her attention, she didn't really seem curious about me. And her gaze moved away from me as quickly as it came. A nurse must have called back to say that Jax was here because my mom came out to speak to him. She saw me, and looked a bit shocked but neither Jax or his mom Gemma noticed. They talked for a few minutes. I decided to be bold and asked the nurse at the main desk in the waiting area where the newborn nursery was.
I'm out of touch, I'm out of love. I'll pick you up when you're getting down. And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now. I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind. I'll do it all for you in time. And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now.
"My mom is a doctor here, I just was wondering if I could look in the nursery window. I hate being stuck in waiting for her shifts to end. Looking at the babies makes it less boring." I gave her my cutest smile hoping she would direct me to the correct area. She grinned.
"You must be Doctor Knowles little girl, she said you might end up here some point today. Head through the double doors and make a right. Then half way down the hall. I'll let her know you are here."
"Thank you." The three of them were so wrapped up in their conversation they never noticed me walk away. I was pressed up against the glass, looking at all the babies and wondering what it would have been like to have spent my whole life here in this town. I also started thinking about the fact that we had come up to the maternity ward. It was while deep in that thought that those three that I had left discussing whatever was happening came through the same way I did. Mom lead them to the opposite end of the hall way. I wanted to listen, and watch what was going on. I started to move that way and saw mom and the woman Jax called Gemma look like they were about to have it out right there in the middle of the hallway. I took advantage and walked over to Jax who was looking into the NICU window. I saw the tag on the side of the incubator glass. "Baby Boy Teller", he was tiny and Jax looked like he was going to lose it.
"He's tiny. But I've seen smaller. I bet he is a survivor too." I couldn't help be feel this little warmth in my chest of this little guy, technically he was my little brother. Well half-brother but it didn't really matter to me. And Jax looked like he could use the reassurance so I added, "We survived it right? Why shouldn't he?"
"Jackson, what are you doing here?" Mom's voice sounded nervous. She had to be freaking out because Gemma had just been here. I could see the questions in her expression, does he know for sure, who else knows, now what?
"She's reminding me that if the flaw didn't kill her or me than her brother should be able to survive it too. We need to talk Doc, this isn't the time. But this conversation needs to happen." I saw him look down at me in the refection of the window glass. Was that his way of claiming me has his child for sure? Then he pulled me close to his side and kissed the top of my head.
"Thanks darlin'. I'll see you again soon. Hey, do me a favor. Draw him for me, but without the tubes. Something I can put in my bay. Think you can do that? Oh and I want that one of the Soft tail you did earlier. Classic." He turned to mom at this point. And I took it as the okay to feel like I might actually matter to him at some point. I smiled that the thought that just maybe I would finally have that family thing that others had. I mean he did just say refer to this little baby as my brother.
"Hell yeah I can." Even if my parents could get their acts together any time soon, or ever, at least I was going to get the chance to have a little brother. And sitting here watching him sleep and planning out all the things I would get to do with him one day, I was all about that. Jax turned toward mom while I pulled a chair up to the window and took out my sketchbook.
"Piney dropped her off with me earlier. Don't worry no one else knows yet. Though I think Tig might be smarter than I ever realized." He seemed to want to ease her mind.
"You think?" I didn't look up at either one of them. I just wanted to concentrate on seeing this little brother of mine. Adults just don't get it some days. They talked some more and then Jax went out to the waiting area. Mom came over and stood by me.
"How's it going?" She was looking at the sketchbook.
"Fine. So you helped deliver him?" I kept my attention on my brother.
"Yeah, he's got a rough road ahead. I don't want to give you false hope here kiddo. Not with Jax, and not with this little man. Teller men, they find a way into your heart but getting them out that's where it hurts. And there is a lot that comes with them. You will see soon enough." With that being said she went off to finish her rounds. It wasn't long before she was back, and my picture was done. I wasn't sure how I was getting it to Jax without dealing with all those people seeing, and then mom handed me the folder. She was scribbling something on a slip of paper. Then she put it in the folder with my drawing.
I'm out of touch, I'm out of love. I'll pick you up when you're getting down.
We headed out, I turned and looked back at my little brother. He would be okay.
"You later Abel Teller."
And out of these things I've done, I will love you better now.
