Love is a battlefield
Volume 1 Chapter 12
Broken
February 22
The next morning Kyle woke up pretty early feeling fully rested and decided to have some breakfast right away. When he got to the kitchen, his father, mother and brother were all there, usually his father would have breakfast pretty early and then he liked to enjoyed the Sunday mornings watching T.V. but since Kyle had gotten up early they could all have breakfast together.
The red haired boy sat at the table and started to chew on a toast, then, as some commercials appeared on Ike's TV, the little boy turned and asked - How was the show last night dad? -
- It was... Different... - Replied Mr. Broflovski.
- It was amazing dear - Remarked Mrs. Broflovski.
- Pity it didn't even looked real... - Said her husband.
- What?! - She exclaimed - It WAS real -
- I didn't bought it... - Kyle's father replied unfazed - Specially the part with the couple fighting each other... -
- That was the best part! - Said Mrs. Broflovski - You saw how they were looking at the hypnotist, that was real love... -
- I just say real love can't just appear and then disappear again in a matter of minutes... -
- That's what's so interesting about hypnosis Gerald... - Said Kyle's mother - That it can shape your thoughts with just a few words... -
- That sounds rather scary... - Kyle said honestly, feeling uneasy at the idea.
- Not at all son - Replied his father - It takes trained medical experts years of hypnotherapy to even start to reach a patients mind, I can't believe that someone can change someone's behavior in just a few minutes -
- For a religious man you seem to believe pretty little - Said Kyle's mother frowning at her husband.
- I believe in God Sheila, not into a showman who charges people to see him waive his hand at them and to play with their credulity -
- I think it's a pretty real thing - Replied Mrs. Broflovski turning to tend the oven, visibly upset - And I'm not the only one -
Kyle's father let out a sigh and got up the table - I'm going to watch T.V. -
The red haired boy finished his breakfast and got up too, heading to his bedroom. He started to play at the computer and tried to relax but somehow, the talk from earlier had left him feeling a little uneasy.
As the day passed by, Kyle couldn't get the thought of someone changing a person's behavior just with hypnosis out of his head. He started to feel scared at that. At first Kyle didn't knew why, as he had thought about it in a generic way, but as he was getting ready to sleep, the idea of it happening to him hit him like a punch to the face and the terror became something almost palpable.
The red haired boy laid in his bed, the lights were off but his eyes were wide open and Kyle couldn't even think about going to sleep. His mind was filled with the thought of someone making him think or even feel things that wouldn't have been inside his mind otherwise. The ginger felt a knot in his throat thinking about that, he didn't dared to outwardly think the name of the person that could do such a thing to him, but the idea didn't left his mind even after he drifted to sleep out of sheer tiredness.
February 23
Monday came and Kyle almost slept trough the alarm clock's ringing, he was feeling really tired and barely managed to get out of bed and dress himself. At first, his mind was too numb to think ahead of the steps he was taking towards the kitchen, but once he sat at the table and started to eat breakfast, the terrible thoughts that had kept him awake until so late stormed again into Kyle's mind and with every bite of his breakfast, the green eyed boy was feeling more and more scared of even go to school.
Finally, Kyle had no other choice but to get up and get going to the bus stop. He did it by walking slowly, trying to stay calm on the inside but feeling a whirlwind of scary images filling his head.
- Hey Kyle - The red haired boy stopped and gasped, startled at the sound of someone talking to him. He looked up and saw Stan smiling to him, the black haired boy quickly changed his smile for a concerned look and asked - Are you alright? You look pretty bad... -
- Hi Stan... - Managed to say Kyle nervously and visibly tired - I'm... I don't know... I barely could get a few hours of sleep last night... -
- What happened? - Stan asked again knitting his brow.
Kyle looked at his friend, the worry showing in his eyes, and he tried to think on how to explain what had been happening in his mind throughout all the last day and night.
- Well... You remember that my parents went to see an hypnosis show on Saturday? - Stan nodded - Yesterday, at breakfast, they were talking about how it had been, and my mother talked about something that happened on the show, I had already heard about that from my dad's coworker's wife some days ago but I had forgotten about it... - Kyle made a pause and saw that his friend was looking at him with an inquisitional look and so he continued - The thing is that in the show, the hypnotist would choose a random married couple from the audience and then he would hypnotize them to make them believe that they were in love with him and then made them fight each other for his attention... -
- That sounds pretty stupid... - Stan scoffed with a grin.
- Is it? - Kyle asked worriedly - At first I thought the same thing as you, but then... What if it were real? What if someone could make you believe something just with a snap of his finger or a few well placed words? What if someone could make you feel something that you wouldn't had felt if it weren't for that? -
- Well... that sounds really hard... - Replied Stan thoughtfully - I mean, it shouldn't be so easy to rewrite someone's mind just like that right? I mean... If it were any of us then... - He stopped on his tracks and with wide eyes exclaimed - No!... Are you thinking about?... -
Kyle looked at him with a deep fear in his eyes and nodded as he saw that Stan was starting to understand what he had been thinking about all night.
- But... - Said Stan hesitantly - He couldn't be able to do such a thing right? I mean... He's just a regular guy like us... That takes years of training and such... -
- We're talking about Eric Cartman here Stan - Replied Kyle with the fear showing even more sharply in his look - We know pretty well that he's not just an ordinary guy. He managed to learn to speak German pretty well being only nine years old, just by watching movies and reading on the internet. You know how applied he can be when something really catches his interest, we all heard how interested he was into... This... And you know that he can go to whatever end to get what he wants... -
- But... He's changed right? - Replied Stan starting to look a little scared too.
- I... I think so... - Said Kyle looking down - But then... Don't you find it really strange that I forgave him so quickly? I mean, one day I was hating his guts for blackmailing me to have sex with him and the next I was standing up for him and wanting to be his friend... -
- That really surprised me too - Said Stan nodding slowly - But you told me it was because of what he had told you that night... That you understood why he had been like that before and that you wanted to give him a chance to show that he had changed... -
- I know... - Replied Kyle still looking really worried - I mean, what he told me really opened my eyes... And I think he was being honest about wanting to change... But that aside, how can it be that I'm feeling the things I'm feeling when I'm around him if I never even thought about that before in my whole life? It's like something had turned a switch inside me that made me start to feel those things overnight... -
- Or someone... - Said Stan quietly with a serious look - I don't know Kyle... I still think this sounds pretty far fetched but I can't deny that when talking about Cartman even the craziest idea can become true... -
- On one hand I hate to be thinking like this - Kyle sighed looking more sad now than scared - He's been really nice to me, to all of us, this past month and I could accept that his change is true... But what if he thought that even with him changing it wasn't going to be enough for me to fall in love with him? I know that he really wants to be with me, I can feel his desire... What if he decided to push things a little? Maybe just at least to shift the odds in his favor? We both know how impatient he can be when he wants something badly... -
- I get what you're saying Kyle... - Said the black haired boy biting the inside of his mouth - And if it's true then... This would be a pretty fucked up thing to do... Even by his standards... But he seems so changed now, and it looks like he really loves you... Not just in a possessive way, but honestly, and he seems to really care about what you say or feel... - Stan sighed defeated - Then again... He's the best actor I've ever seen... He would have won tons of Oscars if he just had filmed some of the fucked up lies he's told before... -
- Stan... I'm really scared... - Said Kyle, his voice starting to crack and fidgeting - I don't want to think like this, I don't want to feel like this... -
The black haired boy got closer to his friend and put his hands on the other boy's shoulders - Hey... Look at me... - Kyle looked up, meeting his friend's eyes - We'll figure how to get out of this okay? Whether its just your fear of this new stage you're going through or some really nasty ruse that Cartman is pulling off, we're gonna find the truth. Just try to stay calmed and don't let the fear overtake you -
Kyle blinked a couple of times to wipe the tears that had started to amount in his eyes and said - I'll try... Thanks Stan... -
- Don't thank me. I just hate to see you like this. You're my friend, and I want to do anything I can for you to be fine - Replied the black haired boy trying to smile reassuringly. Kyle sniffed and nodded. Stan let go of his shoulders and patted his back - Let's get going or we'll miss the bus... - He looked at his friend - Don't worry, we'll think of something -
- Thanks - Kyle muttered and they started to walk again.
The boys finally reached the bus stop and saw that Kenny and Eric were already there. They stood by them and Kenny said - Hey guys, we thought that you weren't going to be on time... -
- Yeah... - Eric added - We were really worried... - He noticed the look on Kyle's face and said - Hey Kyle... Are you alright? - He sounded really concerned.
The red haired boy looked away and just muttered - Yes... -
Eric approached him and reached his arm to put his hand on Kyle's shoulder - Are you sure? - But before he could touch him, the green eyed boy stepped back, almost terrified, and reluctantly looked at the chubby boy - Yes... It's just that... I couldn't sleep really well last night... -
Eric looked really hurt and worried about that reaction, but noticing that Kyle was looking really uneasy he decided to just stay put - Okay... I just wanted to know how you were feeling... - The chubby boy's tone was quiet and apologetic.
- I'm fine... - Replied Kyle still uneasy, just as the bus was stopping in front of them. The red haired boy thanked internally for the perfect timing and stormed to the inside of the bus.
Eric gazed at his friends with a puzzled look, Kenny returned it, not knowing what was happening and Stan just lowered his eyes and followed Kyle. The ginger didn't went to the back of the bus as usual, instead, he sat on one of the empty seats in the middle and signaled Stan to sit with him. The black haired boy did so, knowing that his friend needed him there.
Eric passed by them and gazed at Kyle with concern in his eyes. He was feeling that something was really wrong with the boy and he sensed that it had something to do with him. Maybe he had done or said something wrong? He wasn't sure. The chubby boy went to the back of the bus and sat on the left side, next to the window. Kenny sat beside him and asked - What just happened? -
- I don't know... - Replied the brown haired boy worried and sad - There's something wrong with Kyle but... I can't figure out what -
The blond boy noticed the hurt tone of his friend and said -Are you okay? -
Eric looked at him and then at the floor - I... Don't know... Everything was going so good and now Kyle doesn't even want to talk to me... -
- Hey... Don't take it like that - Said Kenny patting the boy's shoulder reassuringly - Maybe he just had a rough night and needs a little space... -
- Yeah... Maybe... - Replied Eric, trying not to sound so sad.
For the rest of the trip Eric couldn't get out of his head the feeling that somehow, Kyle, the boy that he cared about the most in the world, the only person he had ever really loved, was feeling bad, and it was his fault.
The bus arrived at the school and they all got out. Kyle and Stan hurried inside, when Kenny yelled at them to wait for he and Eric, the black haired boy just moved his head from side to side slightly, trying to only be noticed by the blond boy, and then gave him a look that clearly said "later".
Kyle's first class that day was Arts, the only class he didn't shared with Eric, and for that, he felt grateful. Since he had started to think about the whole hypnosis thing, Kyle had been scared of facing the brown eyed boy, and he had confirmed on the bus stop that he was feeling really uneasy around him. The red haired boy felt torn between the fear of his sudden realization about the supposed ruse by Eric, and the fact that being away from him and thinking such despicable things about his friend again was tearing his heart apart. For the duration of the class, Kyle tried, to no avail, to pay attention, but his mind wandered every time to the feelings of deceit and betrayal he experienced whenever he thought about Eric forcing him to have feelings for him.
The next class was approaching and Kyle knew that he would have to see Eric again. He tried to remain calmed and decided to stay as far away from the other boy as he could. The bell rang, signaling the start of the next class and Kyle headed reluctantly to the classroom. On the way, he met with Stan and Kenny - Hey - Said the black haired boy - Are you feeling better now? -
- No... - Replied Kyle looking to the floor - In fact, I can't stop thinking about what we talked earlier... - He looked at Kenny - Sorry, I know that we left you alone on the bus without even telling you why but... I needed some space... -
- I know - Replied the blond boy - Stan told me about what you talked before getting to the bus stop - He sighed - I'm trying to understand your point of view but I just can't see Eric doing that... I mean, the guy really cares about you, I don't think he could do anything to hurt you... -
- Maybe he just doesn't think he's hurting him - Said Stan - Maybe in his twisted mind he just thinks that Kyle belongs to him and that if Kyle doesn't realized by himself, then he should do something about it... -
- No... I'm telling you, he's not like that - Said Kenny frowning - He doesn't think about Kyle as his possession. He told me that the other day at your house Stan - Kenny looked at Kyle - He's really in love you know? I'm sure that this is just a misunderstanding... -
- I hope so - Replied Kyle looking sadly to Kenny's eyes - But what if he's just acting again and you can't tell? -
- He's always been pretty good at hiding his true intentions - Replied Kenny nodding - I'll give you that. But I don't think this is the case... I'm up for giving him a chance with this, but I want to respect what you think too. I'll try to keep him away while you think about this. Although, in my opinion, it would be best if you told him what you're thinking... He looked really hurt earlier you know? -
- He did? - Asked Kyle, a hint of sadness in his voice - I feel really stupid for being doubting him so quickly... But I just can't take this thoughts out of my head... -
- Hey, it's not your fault - Said Stan reassuringly - Maybe you're in shock. This whole thing that has been happening, his change, the discovery of your orientation, this feelings you've been having for him... Maybe it was all too much and too sudden for you to take it all in. You just need some time to clear your head. In the meantime, we'll do our best to figure this out -
- Thanks - Replied Kyle, not being able to say more, he was feeling too overwhelmed right then.
They entered the classroom, Kyle and Stan sat in the front of the class and Kenny waited a little for Eric to come so he could tell him to sit somewhere else. The chubby boy was really puzzled about that but he didn't argued. Kenny could see that Eric was aware of Kyle avoiding him and he felt sad for both of them, one losing his trust into a friend, the other torn about thinking that he had hurt the person he loved without even knowing how.
The rest of the morning went by and for lunch time, again, Kyle and Stan went ahead and took a table for them in the cafeteria. Kenny guided Eric to another table, fairly away from the other.
- Kenny, tell me what's happening please - Asked Eric with a serious tone after they sat down.
- Look... Kyle is feeling a little... Overwhelmed right now and he just needs some space... -
- Is it because of something I did? - Asked Eric showing clearly the worry and sadness in his voice.
- No... - Sighed Kenny - He's just having... Conflicting thoughts and needs to clear his head -
- Kenny, I'm not stupid you know - The chubby boy growled, frowning at him - I know he doesn't want to be around me and there's gotta be a reason for that - Eric looked down and his frown disappeared, leaving just a really hurt look - I just don't want to see him like this you know? I want to do something... -
Kenny sighed again, felling really sad for his friend - The best you can do for now is to give him some space... He'll come around, but he just needs to be by himself for a while... - Eric looked away and sighed but didn't said anything else.
As the day progressed, Kyle managed to regain some composure and when it was time to return home, he felt a little better, although he still didn't wanted to be near Eric fearing that he would just crumble again. Kyle felt it was better that way, he didn't wanted to think anymore about the whole hypnosis thing and he knew that if he did something like backing away from Eric again, he would just hurt him. Even if Kyle despised the idea of the chubby boy forcing him again to do things against his will, he didn't wanted to hurt him, Kyle still cared about Eric.
As the week started to get by, Kyle was feeling worse every day, he now was feeling like everything that had been achieved on the past month was starting to fall apart and the fear of everything going back to how it used to be before, flooded his heart.
February 26
On the way to the bus stop that Thursday, he met with Stan and the boy could see that Kyle was getting even worse than before - Kyle... I know that this whole thing has been really tough for you but you can't let it destroy you... - Said the black haired boy sadly and deeply worried about his friend.
Kyle looked at him, his eyes seeming empty and below them there were starting to appear dark circles, showing that the boy hadn't been getting nearly enough sleep trough the week - I want to think about anything else... I try... But I always end up going back to Cartman making me do things while telling me he loves me... I mean, I'm starting to think again that he's not even capable of love at all... - He sniffed - And now, I'm even dreading coming to school. I used to enjoy it so much but since last weekend, I hate being wherever he is... I can't even stand looking at him... I feel like a mash up of fear and anger and even hate towards him... But at the same time, I'm hating myself for thinking like this... He has been so wonderful trough this past month, he did and said really sweet things to me, and I felt so secure and loved whenever he hugged me... But now I can't remember any of those moments without thinking if they weren't just fake... -
Stan looked at him knitting his brows in grief for his best friend - I wish I could do more to help you... I've tried to gather some information about this thing, it doesn't look even nearly as easy as we thought... Even if it were Cartman doing it, I don't think that it would be so easy for him to pull this off. Although the possibility still exists... - He sighed - I think that my last resort is to directly go to him and try to make him confess... -
Kyle looked quickly at Stan, his eyes showing concern - You're not thinking about getting into a fight with him don't you? I don't want you... Or him to get hurt... -
- Don't worry - Replied Stan trying to sound reassuring - I don't want that either, but I have to confront him, I don't want you to keep feeling like this -
- Thanks - Said Kyle softly - Just... Be careful... -
Stan nodded and they continued to the bus stop. They encountered Kenny there and as they waited, Kyle was both surprised and a little relieved that Eric wasn't showing. The bus finally came and they all got inside. Once in the back seats Stan asked - Cartman isn't coming to school today? -
- He didn't wanted to take the bus... - Answered Kenny looking slightly angry - He told me that if not being around Kyle could help him get better then he would remain as far away as possible... - The blond boy looked at Kyle - He's respecting your needs you know? Even if it's hurting him. He doesn't say it but I can see that he's really sad about all this... -
The red haired boy felt a claw squeezing his heart at the idea of Eric feeling hurt because all this that was happening, he really didn't wanted the chubby boy to suffer... Then again, a shot of mistrust hit Kyle's mind, telling him that maybe even that thought was something that Cartman had planted there... He tried to leave his mind blank, at least for a while and stared outside the window, looking at nothing in particular.
The morning went by and during lunch, Kyle and Stan were at their table, the red haired boy was trying to eat something but he wasn't feeling hungry at all. Right then, Kenny appeared and sat with them - Hey... How are things going over here? -
- The same for now... - Answered Stan - Weren't you sitting with Cartman like we talked? -
- He's not coming... - Replied Kenny sighing - He just said that it was a waste to come here... -
- So he's eating someplace else? - Asked Stan.
- He's not eating at all... - Replied Kenny looking down.
- What? - Asked Kyle looking at Kenny with wide eyes.
- Maybe you haven't noticed it being so far away - Said the blond boy - But he hasn't been eating since Monday... - He sighed again - He just sits there, looking at his plate and... I can see that he's been trying to control himself not to start crying... - Kenny looked very sad as he said that.
Kyle looked at his friend with a hurt and worried expression and couldn't contain a couple of teardrops from falling down his face - I'm... I'm really hurting him... - Said with his voice broken.
- It's not your fault - Replied Stan - You're having a rough time and you're trying to get over it, being apart is the better for now... -
- He should at least know what this is all about... - Said Kenny a little harshly - He's been nothing but a great friend to all of us this past month and this whole thing is really affecting him too -
- We know that Kenny - Said the black haired boy calmly but serious - I too want this to get solved without any of them getting more hurt. That's why I want to speak to Cartman and try to at least know something for sure... After all, I too feel really bad acting based on suspicions only -
- I'll go see if I can find him - Said Kenny frowning a little - I care about you Kyle, I want you to be okay, but I care about Eric too and right now he's back at before, when he had to bear the pain all alone... - With that, the blond boy got up and left the cafeteria.
Kyle wiped his eyes and said - Kenny's right... I promised to never leave Eric alone again and yet I was the first one to push him out now... I wish I could go and talk to him face to face, but I know that even looking at him makes me feel bad... -
- That's why I'm wanting to talk to him - Said Stan.
The boys finished their lunch and went back to class. The day went by and Kyle realized that night, laying in his bed, that he was now feeling worse about hurting Eric than the chubby boy possibly hurting him...
February 27
Friday came along and at lunch, Stan decided to confront Cartman that same day. He told Kenny to stay with Kyle and then waited for Cartman to come. Remembering what Kenny had told him last day, he realized that the chubby boy wasn't going to appear there, so he went on to look for him. Stan found Eric in the schoolyard, wandering aimlessly, passing by some other students that were chatting around.
Stan walked towards Eric, the boy saw him coming over and then looked to the ground again. The black haired boy got next to him and said - Come with me - Eric just followed Stan and when they were away from the other students, Stan said - Cartman, we need to talk -
Eric frowned at Stan calling him like that but just replied - I'm not in the mood right now... -
- Then we'll do it after school - Replied Stan - No matter were but we have to talk today -
The chubby boy looked at Stan for a couple of seconds still with a frown and then said - Fine, come to the basketball court near school, I'll wait for you there -
Stan nodded with a serious expression and then left to see if he could catch something to eat before lunch had finished.
After meeting again with his friends, Stan told them about what had happened and Kyle said - Please... Just, don't fight alright? I can't stand you two hurting each other over my stupid thoughts... -
- I'm not planning on fighting him - Replied Stan - I just want this to be over, for good or for worse... -
- Want me to go with you? - Asked Kenny - In case things get a little... Over the edge... -
- Don't worry - Said Stan shaking his head - I can handle it -
After the school day ended, Kyle and Kenny headed to the bus to return home after saying goodbye to Stan. The black haired boy started to walk towards the basketball court where he would meet with Cartman. Even if he had tried to assure Kyle that they weren't going to end up fighting, Stan was feeling a little nervous about it. He knew that the chubby boy could be unpredictable and that he could lose his temper easily. Stan knew that he could manage himself in a fight, he was really fit and knew what to do, but Cartman had proved many times that despite his soft and fatty look, the chubby boy was really strong. Maybe, Stan thought, during the many fights they had been into, Cartman had never really hurt any of them because he had never wanted to... Specially Kyle, Stan knew that if Cartman would have wanted to really wreck the red haired boy he could have done it in seconds, but the most he had done to Kyle was punching him a few times and the rest it had been mostly trying to immobilize him.
As he was thinking about that, Stan realized that he had reached the basketball court, he went trough the fence and saw someone trowing a ball to the hoop, visibly not caring if the ball went in or not.
- Hey, I'm here... - Stan announced.
Eric turned around and just nodded once acknowledging that. Stan went closer and said - Why did you picked this place to talk? -
- You practically dragged me far away earlier, so I figured that you wanted to be alone to talk... - Replied Eric with a deadpan tone - With this cold no one would come here at this hour... -
- Right... - Stan nodded - Listen... I wanted to talk about the last few days... And maybe about a little before that... -
- Okay - Replied Eric not looking at him, still faking that he was interested into playing with the basketball.
Stan tried to think the best way to start, after a few seconds he hesitantly said - Look, we all have seen that you've been acting really different from how you used to before... Like if you were a completely different person... -
- I'm trying to change - Replied Eric trowing the ball again.
- That's great - Said Stan - But... I still have my doubts about this whole thing... -
- I know - Replied Eric, his voice somewhat icy - I'm not stupid. I know that you don't trust me -
- And you think that I could trust you so easily after all that you've put us trough? - Asked Stan surprisingly hurt about Eric's tone - How do I know that you're not lying to me just now? -
Eric held the ball in his hand, squeezing it with force, trying to control himself - I'm trying to change for real. I don't want to go back to how I was before... - He sighed - What do I have to tell you to see that it's true? -
- I don't need you to tell me what I want to hear, I want to know the truth - Replied Stan frowning.
- That is the truth! - Exclaimed Eric - What else do you need to believe me? -
- I don't even know why this happened! - Exclaimed Stan - You've hated us and did terrible things to us throughout a bunch of years and I have to believe that one day you just snapped and realized that you wanted to be good so suddenly? -
- I wanted to stop being so far away from you! - Replied Eric raising his voice - I wanted to stop being so god damned far away from Kyle... -
- Why? - Asked Stan.
- Because I hated being alone! I wanted to have real friends for once! - Replied Eric, almost yelling, his eyes filled with frustration, anger and sadness - Because I didn't wanted Kyle to hate me anymore! Because I fucking love him! -
- You really love him? - Asked Stan raising his own voice a little - How could that be? You always were pestering and ripping on him, you always said you hated Jews, how could it be that you're in love with him of all people? -
- I don't fucking know okay?! - Yelled Eric, trowing the ball hard against the hoop board - I just feel that way, I just need him close. I need to see his smile, it's the only thing that can give meaning to the fucking mess that is my life! - Eric's face was red with anger and frustration - He's the only thing that matters to me. Not even my own life matters when it comes to make him happy. He's the reason I wanted to change, because he's the only one who showed to me that someone cared, that someone would be hurt if I died... - The chubby boy's voice broke - I wouldn't eve be here if it weren't for Kyle. I own him my life, he's the one that stopped me that night when I was going to fucking kill myself... -
Stan looked at Cartman with wide eyes - You... Why were you going to kill yourself? -
- Maybe because I fucking hate myself! - Yelled Eric - Maybe because I spent nearly half of my life being rented as a sex toy to my bitch mother's perverted clients! Maybe because that shit left me so broken that I could only feel hate and anger all the time. That's why I've always been a fucking asshole! Because I thought that no one wanted me alive! - Tears started running down his cheeks as he turned away and went to one of the benches. Eric sat there, with his hands on his head, then he grabbed his cyan hat and held it against his mouth, trying to muffle his cry, nearly ripping it apart from squeezing it so hard.
Stan was petrified, his eyes wide and his mouth agape, he couldn't move, trying hard to process what he had just heard. The incredibly hurt words that came from his friend were swirling around Stan's mind, who was trying to find a little sense in them. Of course that he understood what Eric had said, but finding out that something like that had happened to Eric, who had always appeared as a strong and confident person was really strange. Stan knew that that kind of abuse could happen to anyone, but Eric had always appeared to the world as if his life were all figured out, always with that smug smile on his face, that Stan would have never imagined something so horrible could have happened to him. Then again, Eric had always been a master of hiding his feelings, but still, Stan was really shocked to have heard all of that. After a couple of minutes, the black haired boy managed to slowly walk towards the bench where Eric was crying and sat beside him - That's... That's what you told Kyle that night at your house? - Stan quietly asked.
Eric removed the hat from his face and hissed - Don't act like you didn't knew -
Stan looked at him surprised by that - I didn't knew, really -
The chubby boy scoffed - You're telling me that Kyle didn't told you? -
- He told us that something really bad had happened to you, that had made you be the way you were - Replied Stan - But he said that he had promised not to tell anything until you felt ready to say it for yourself... -
The brown haired boy lifted his head a little - Really? -
- Of course - Replied Stan - We're talking about Kyle here... He's the most loyal friend there is... -
- You're right about that... - Said Eric.
- I... Don't know what to say about this you're telling me Eric... - Said Stan with a deep sadness on his voice - I never imagined something like this happening to you... Now I fell really stupid for thinking that you were just a spoiled son of a bitch all the time... I'm... Sorry -
Eric sighed - It's okay... You had no way to know and I was never going to admit it before... - He looked to the gray skies - I guess that's what Kyle does to me... I could have never told anything about that to anyone else before him... -
- You... do love him right? - Asked Stan quietly.
- I would give my life gladly if by doing so, he could be happy... - Eric wiped the tears off his face - At first, when I just started to like him, I just wanted him to be mine, to be just another toy I could grab at night to not feel so lonely - Stan cringed a little at those words and even Eric looked like he didn't really liked that idea - But then, I realized that that's not what I really needed, I realized that what really filled my heart was his smile, his laughter, his big, beautiful, green eyes looking at me without hate in them, at least the very few times that he looked at me like that before... I realized that no matter how, making Kyle happy was the only purpose my life had -
Stan looked at the chubby boy, feeling the sincerity in his voice when he talked about Kyle. Then he remembered why they were there - But... What about that thing with the blackmailing? -
Eric looked away - That was... I think it was the lowest point in my life... - He sighed - I thought that Kyle would never love me like I did... But I was desperate to be with him, to feel him close at least just once... So when that chance came to me, I just couldn't resist and the desperation won over me... That night at my house, the real reason why I wanted to kill myself was because I had been just seconds away from raping him... - Stan's eyes were tinted by horror and anger, but then he saw that tears had started to amount on Eric's eyes again - I thought that I had become a real monster then. How could I deserve to live if I had been just about to rape the only person that I truly loved? -
Stan looked at him still with a mix of anger and deep sadness inside, but remained silent.
- But I didn't do it - Continued Eric barely managing not to sob - I stopped, but I still felt like shit. I knew that I didn't deserve to live anymore... But even after I did all that, Kyle's reaction was to hold me tightly and stop me from ending it all... He stayed trough the night with me, holding me, making me feel for the first time in my life that someone cared about me... -
- So... You wouldn't force him anymore? - Asked Stan hesitantly.
- No way! - Replied Eric very serious - I could never do such a thing to him ever again. To anyone, I don't want to be like that anymore. But specially to Kyle... I don't want to do anything that hurts him again... -
- Then... You would have nothing to do with what Kyle have been feeling? - Asked again Stan - You wouldn't force those thoughts inside his head... Like... Through hypnosis or something? -
Eric looked at the black haired boy with wide eyes and a look of sheer surprise - What?! Are you crazy? How could you think I would do such a thing! - Eric squinted at Stan and a deep frown appeared on his face - Wait... That's why he's been acting like this the whole week? That's why he's been looking like if he were fucking terrified of me? - Eric then shot a glare to Stan - Do you all think that I somehow hypnotized Kyle into liking me? -
- Well... - Started Stan looking down.
The chubby boy got up instantly and stomped trough the field with his fists closed tightly, then he kicked the ball that was near, shouting - FUCK! -
Stan quickly got up and went to where Eric was standing, trying to calm him down - I'm... sorry about that Eric... - The regret was showing in his voice - It sounds really stupid now but he... We were really thinking that it could be true... -
- Why the fuck would I want to do that?! - Yelled Eric deeply hurt and angry - And how? Do you even know how fucking hard it is to do something like that? -
- We thought that maybe you felt the need to... Speed things up a little... - Replied Stan trying to apologize - And yes, we really thought that if someone could manage to do such a hard thing it would be you... -
Eric scoffed angrily and hissed - At least you don't think I'm a dumb piece of shit - He kicked the ground with a force that surprised Stan - Just an evil one... -
- Hey, we didn't do it on purpose. Kyle just heard about it from his parents and thought that it could be possible, but even then he hated himself for thinking such a thing - Said Stan - He has been really torn between that thought and the worry about hurting you. He even looked terrified when I told him that I was going to talk with you today here, he thought that we were going to fight and he begged me not to. He really still cares about you. We all do. But you spent too many years lying to us, you said that you had changed many times before and they were all lies! -
- I did tried to change before! - Yelled Eric, but this time his voice was more sad than angry - But every time I wanted to, I was just pushed back by the shit that my life has always been. And every time that I looked at you I just saw hate and annoyance. Kenny and you never showed me the hate that Kyle did, but then, I just thought you were just using me to be distracted for a while, before returning to your real friends... And every time I looked at Kyle and saw that deep hate in his eyes I just felt that nothing was worth the effort if he would just keep on hating me -
Stan looked at him and remained silent for a few seconds, then looking down said - I'm sorry... I never thought that you were feeling like this... I'm sorry... -
Eric sighed - Guess I deserve it for being an idiot... I'm sorry too for all that I did to you... -
Stan looked at Eric's eyes and said - Kenny was right... We all should have had tried harder... -
Eric scoffed, a little amused - That guy is like a fucking Buda or something... When he's not talking about perverted things he's the wisest of us all... -
- He talks like Buda but you're the one who looks like him... - Chuckled Stan.
Eric pushed Stan's shoulder playfully with his fist and chuckled - I'm still better looking than all of you... - He blushed - Well... After Kyle of course... -
Stan laughed a little at that and said - I'm glad that we had this talk... I don't want us to think such things anymore... -
- Well... Guess I should have seen something like this coming after all the shit I've pulled off... - Replied Eric looking away and biting the inside of his mouth - But I'm doing my best to stay on the right track now and I really want all of us to be close -
- Me too - Smiled Stan, he felt physically relieved about all that tension and pain ending. The black haired boy was feeling that he could trust Eric now, much more than ever before. Not only because of what he had said, but the way Eric had talked had been the first time that Stan saw so much sincerity in the husky boy - Hey, want to get out of here? It's starting to get freezing... -
- Sure - Replied Eric feeling lighter too. At last he could take such a heavy and painful burden off his shoulders. Having said all that to Stan felt oddly well for Eric, now he felt that there was someone else who could understand him better.
Both boys started to walk out the basketball court. As they were walking down the deserted street Eric said - Hey Stan... Can I ask you something? -
- Sure - Replied Stan nodding.
- Well... Before you talked about some... Feelings... That Kyle is having... - Asked hesitantly the brown haired boy.
Stan chuckled - I knew you were going to ask about that sooner or later... - He looked at Eric and saw him blushing a little - Well... the thing is that one of the main reasons for Kyle to think about this whole hypnosis thing, was that he's been starting to feel some things that he had never experienced before... -
- Um.. Are they... Good feelings? - Eric asked shyly.
- Guess so... - Replied Stan.
Eric smiled - Do you... Think I could have a chance there? I mean... With him? -
Stan looked at his friend and after a couple of seconds he sighed - Look... I don't want to get your hopes up... I can see that something like that could hurt you badly if things weren't that way at the end... And after this whole week I can't tell for sure what's going to happen but... Before all this, we talked about how he was starting to feel differently about you... -
- I know that he's changed the way he feels about me - Eric nodded slightly - Those times we spent together he seemed like he was enjoying what we did and he even told me that he liked to be with me like that... -
- I'm talking about something else... - Replied Stan - He seemed to have started to like you... Not just spending time as friends but like... Really like you... -
- Really? - The chubby boy asked with a big smile, his eyes were shining.
Stan chuckled a little - Well... At least that's what I think... Maybe, if you play your cards right and let him realize about that by himself there could be a real chance... -
- Thanks for saying that Stan... - Eric smiled warmly to his friend - And don't worry, I always wanted for him to think carefully about this -
- Just... Try to have a backup plan okay? - Stan's tone was a bit more serious as he felt a little worried about the chubby boy's enthusiasm - We still have to see how this whole thing ends up... -
- I told you already - Replied Eric - I want Kyle to be happy, whether it's as my boyfriend or... - He gulped and looked away - Someone else's... -
Stan sighed - You really love him don't you? -
- He's the most precious thing in the whole universe for me... - Replied Eric looking at the sky.
Stan patted his friend's back and said - I hope this all turns up well for both of you... -
Eric smiled to him - Thanks... I've always been worried about you not wanting us to be together... I mean... If we someday would be together... -
- Why would I be against it? - Asked Stan puzzled - I mean, maybe before, when you still were a really mean person I could have argued against it, because you weren't really treating him nicely and it would be horrible to see my best friend in an abusive relationship... - He smiled - But now... I've seen how you are with him, and he has told me about some of the things you've done for him and I think that it could be great for him to be with you... -
Eric blushed a little and smiled - Thanks for that... I know that before I was an asshole... But once we started to get along, I finally was able to treat him like I really had wanted for so long... - The chubby boy looked away - But I don't know... I thought that maybe you weren't going to like the idea of me feeling this way for Kyle... I mean... At first and for a long time... I thought that you two were... More than friends... -
Stan looked at him with wide eyes - What? -
- Yeah... You see... You two were always together and treated each other really nicely and he always talked about you so highly... I felt really envious towards you... - Replied Eric.
- Dude, that's... weird... - Stan chuckled - I'm not saying that because he's a guy, but he's always been my best friend and it's weird for me to think about him in that way... - He patted the chubby boy's back again - You don't have to worry about that -
Eric chuckled - Yeah... I know now... Kyle had the same reaction when I told him this... -
They both laughed at that and then Stan said - I'll talk with Kyle about today... I want him to know the truth... -
- Thanks - Replied Eric - I just want him to be okay again and I know that he doesn't wants to see me still... - Eric looked really sad as he said that - And I know that he wouldn't believe me if I said that this was just a misunderstanding... -
- You're right about that... - Stan nodded quietly - But don't worry, I will tell him everything that we talked about today - The black haired boy's expression turned serious again - But hey, you have to be okay too... Kenny told me that you haven't been eating through this whole week... -
Eric looked down - I... Wasn't feeling like eating... Or doing anything... - He sighed sadly - Kenny has told me that no matter how much I love Kyle, I gotta look after myself too... And I do, but seeing him running away from me, like he was afraid of me... It was just too much... I could take his hateful glare before... But the terror I saw in his eyes the last time we met at school... I just couldn't take that... -
- I imagine that it must have been really hard... - Said Stan understanding the bigger boy's pain - But if you care about Kyle, you need to be strong for both when he's not okay... Like he was when you were feeling down... -
- You're right... - Eric nodded closing his eyes for a second - I'll try no to fall again... -
- Hey, it's okay to fall sometimes... - Stan said reassuringly - What matters the most is that you get up again and keep walking -
The chubby boy nodded and smiled - Thanks again... -
- Don't mention it - Replied Stan smiling too - You really helped me that day when I broke up with Wendy... I really appreciated that. I want us to be great friends from now on -
- I want that too - Smiled Eric, then they both hurried home since the wind was picking up and they still had a long way to go.
***Okay... Here's another chapter and this time, after so much fluff, I put some drama back into this story... I needed a strong way for Eric to come out with his reasons for being like he was to Stan, since the four boys need to have a strong bond and keeping such a thing a secret is not good for that.
***We still gotta see where all this will lead to but I hope that you liked this chapter. I want to deeply thank to all the people that have taken the time to leave a review of this story. It makes me feel great to know that you're enjoying this novel and those reviews, even if they're little, make me really happy and gives me strenght to keep up with my writing.
***Disclaimer: I don't own the South Park characters or any of the brand names mentioned in this story. I don't own any of the songs mentioned on the story or used as chapter titles.
***Chapter title's song is Broken by Seether
