Chapter Twelve

While the Moroi were still being seated, and the queen walked into the room, all I was aware of was Dimitri's presence in the room. I know, I know, that made me both a bad fiancée and a bad guardian. When the meeting started, I snuck a glance in his direction, and saw that he was staring straight forward, doing that guardian thing of seeing everything and nothing at all at the same time.

I tried to do the same. The queen went up there first and babbled on about the weather and the continuing Strigoi attacks, and how guardian numbers were still plummeting. I almost fell asleep listening to that. But when a few of the other Moroi got their butts up behind the microphone, I perked right back up. I knew most of them, either from school or from talking to their guardians. A lot of them were starting to warm to the idea of Moroi fighting with magic, because it had been ground against their ears for so long.

I zoned out, trying hard not to look in Dimitri's direction. As the meeting dragged on, I had to close my eyes a couple of times from the temptation of looking at my former mentor/lover. Adrian glanced back at me a couple of times, probably to see if I was alright. I kept my face expressionless as I could, focusing on the clock behind the speakers' heads.

At last, the meeting ended. Of course, I couldn't leave for another hour. I had to make sure the queen got out safely, the rest of the royal Moroi got out safely, make sure the building was secure, and then go check in with my boss. And tonight, I had to look into the Strigoi attacks.

Instead, I sent Adrian with Lissa and Christian, assuring him that I would be okay, and that it would be awhile before I could come home. He should get Arianna home and in bed. I would see him tonight.

I said all of this because some part of me wanted to speak to Dimitri. The other part of me wanted to rub the fact that I was engaged to Adrian all in his face, and hang on Adrian's arm when Dimitri was looking. Because that's what he deserved, really.

But I still wanted to talk to him. And I knew damn well he wouldn't speak to me openly during work or when I was around Adrian. I signed off all the guardians to separate duties, leaving me free. I hadn't had to tell Dimitri what to do, Nichols had already given him a job.

I sighed and made sure the building was secure, hand on my gun and the other hand fiddling with the keys in my pocket. As I closed and locked the basement door, I heard something rustle behind me, the sound of clothing moving together. I turned swiftly, pulling out my gun and holding it in front of me, aiming, because no one besides me was supposed to be in the building. All of the guardians were supposed to be checking in with Nichols at the office.

It was a surprised Dimitri, hands in the air, his own gun dropped on the floor. His brown eyes were calm as he assessed me. I tucked the gun back into my belt, feeling sheepish. Whoops. Brushing back a strand of hair, I nodded at him.

"Hello, Guardian Belikov," I said quietly, my heart jumping, and made to move past him. I was too chicken to talk to him yet. I needed time. I needed to be married first so I didn't make mistakes. Hell, maybe I even needed Lissa or Arianna or Adrian with me. Anything but by myself, where I could cry.

"Rose."

I stopped, recognizing the tone in his voice as one that meant to stop and look at him. I dragged my eyes slowly up his body, not able to stop myself from looking, even though I tried to fill my head with thoughts of Adrian. He was still the same. Lean muscle, tall, powerful. Wound up, ready for a fight. I grit my teeth and met his gaze.

"Yes?" I asked politely, my eyes cold and hard. No remorse or sadness in this face. Oh hell no. Not around him.

"We need to talk."

"I'm working. I have to research tonight, and I have to get my daughter to bed."

He looked surprised. "Daughter?"

That pleased me to no end. So he didn't know I had a daughter? Thanks a lot. Thanks for keeping in touch, asshole.

"Yes. She spends enough time without me, I'd rather get back to her." I put a hand on my hip, cocking my head to the side. "Unless there was something work related you needed to discuss?"

He paused. "Well, the research you're talking about, I've already looked into it. I had to look into it before I got here, and I overheard the conversation between you and Guardian Peyton…so I went ahead and told him. You're off the hook. He told me to come and tell you."

It was my turn to be surprised. "Oh. Okay."

He smiled a crooked smile, but it didn't reach his eyes. "What, no smartass comment?"

I looked away, my heart giving a painful little shudder at the smile. "I've changed."

He moved towards me, and I stepped backwards, my back hitting the wall. He continued to come closer, until he stood close enough that I could have easily extended an arm and touched his shoulder.

"I know. But we still need to talk, anyway."

"We have nothing to talk about."

Anger marred the features of his face. "The hell we don't."

I stepped towards him, so close that I could smell that aftershave I had been (was still) in love with. "We don't."

Guilt now shone in those brown eyes. "Look, Rose…I'm sorry, I couldn't…I didn't want-"

I held up a hand. "No. You may have been sent away, but you could have kept in touch. You could have sent a letter. You left me to a stranger I barely knew, and he was the one to comfort me. You didn't even send a congratulations for graduating on time. Do you realize how fucking fucked up that was? Do you? Because it doesn't seem like it, Belikov. You seem like you think you can come back, apologize, and it'll all be okay. A bad nightmare." I leaned closer, really got in his face, the way he hated it. "But it isn't that way. You fucked up. I'm done."

I stepped back, turning again to walk away. His hand shot out and grabbed my shoulder, and, on instinct, I grabbed that hand and twisted it, fast as a snake striking. But not so fast that he didn't anticipate it, as he always had.

He smiled as he pinned me to the wall. "That was good, Roza. But I do need to talk to you, and I won't be ignored."

I sort of growled a half formed response at him, pissed off, but I couldn't say much else, because of the smell of him. The smell of his aftershave, the smell of his skin! It was almost overwhelming. That night in his room, the night of the charm, it all came back to me as his long, lean body pressed to mine. Never mind that he was just pinning me here and it was nothing sexual, I still craved every inch of his body.

"I'm sorry. I couldn't send anything to you, your mail was being watched. I couldn't have any kind of contact with you, or I would have gone to jail for it. You were underage, and also my student. I shouldn't have been interacting with you in that way. And I want you to know, that even after all this time, I still love you. I'm saying this because I need you to know, and I have no intention of breaking you and Ivashkov up. I just need you to know that I didn't not get in contact with you because I was angry or didn't love you. It was because I couldn't."

"I was overage the date of my graduation. You couldn't have sent a letter?"

"I assumed you had moved on. And you obviously had. I had heard some rumors…and it looks like they were true. You had Ivashkov's child."

"Adrian has a name. And so does his child. Her name is Arianna."

He nodded. "Arianna. Beautiful."

"She is."

"I bet."

"I have to go."

"I'm sorry, Roza."

I just shook my head. "Even if I had moved on, it would have been nice knowing you hadn't just forgotten about me."

"It's too late now."

Tears welled up in my eyes, so I looked away. "I guess it is. I kind of wish you hadn't done that."

What was I saying? What was I fucking doing? I couldn't tell him it hurt…I couldn't say that. I had to act like a bitch, I had to act cold and distant. This was NOT cold OR distant!

"You're engaged to Adrian Ivashkov?"

I nodded, wincing internally as the first of the tears spilled over. I wasn't strong enough tonight. I was losing this battle.

"Do you love him?"

I coughed a little and wiped at my eyes. Glaring at him through the tears, I said, "Does it matter? Like I said, you can't just come prancing in here and ask for me back. It doesn't work like that."

"Do you love him, Rose?"

I nodded. "Yes, I do. And I love my daughter even more. She deserves a father that wouldn't just not talk to me. Adrian is devoted, at least."

"I didn't not want to talk to you."

"We've gone over this."

"Then why are you still accusing me?"

"Because. After all the pain, all the heartbreak, I expected at least an apology. You know, a little letter saying that you were sorry you kissed me, told me you loved me and no one else, and then you just didn't contact me ever again. Not even when I was over aged and away from St. Vladmir's."

"I still love you, Roza."

"I understand that."

"Do you love me?"

I looked away, at the wall. "I have Arianna now. She needs her real father."

"So you love me."

My eyes rolled of their own accord back to Dimitri. "What do you fucking think?"

I walked away, tears falling freely down my face.