Author's note: thank you for all your reviews!
December, 12th:
All my life, I have been asked to be more expressive. Since I am a child, people keep on telling me that I should speak out loud and say how I feel. They think that it could bring me relief but if I have changed a couple of things regarding this, I know that I can't apply it to every single situation that I may face at one point or another.
My love for Jane is one of them. She knows that I care – a lot – about her. She knows that she is one of the most important person in my life. But my real feelings – the ones that I hide – remain untold.
People think that we have a strange relationship. As a matter of fact, they have even stopped calling it 'friendship'. There is something too borderline about it for them; even for myself, actually. But the singular bond we have is – for me – a real blessing, no matter how blurry it might be.
I have thought about the reasons why of such peculiarity many times already. The only conclusion I got from these moments is a logical effect of closeness because of the very stressing situations Jane and I went through, together.
It can't but bring us closer and closer. Most of people don't experience half of what we had to face. That's why they can't understand our connection, our relation. Sadly, it has nothing to do with the idea that there would be something more. Because there is not.
Jane isn't in love with me.
I accept it. Now I just wish that the adolescents of the orphanage would understand it because their insistence is tough to handle. Of course, they don't realize it; they don't see how their words bring a lot of pain to me. I don't blame them but still... If only they could realize that there is nothing to plot about except for my demise.
I don't know what happened when they visited the BPD but Jane seemed odd at the end of the day; not really here, with me. I didn't dare to ask her, even less let her know about the 'conspiracy'. This is way too complicated for me to actually share it with her.
I am simply afraid that they pushed her and I know that she doesn't like it. She doesn't feel at ease by then and she tends to withdraw into herself which is what was happening a few hours after the visit. Perhaps I should have been firm – authoritative – with the adolescents instead of not really insisting over the fact that they should just give up.
I have my part of responsibility over something that I don't control and which form is unknown from me.
Obviously, I shouldn't have accepted this volunteering. Why do I always end up regretting my choices? Especially when they are Jane related.
3.30pm
"Jeez... Slow down, Maura! Slow down!" Clutched to her friend's hand, Jane tried to focus on the path right in front of her; hoping that nobody would trouble her already precarious balance.
Maura's light and contagious laugh rose in the air. She turned her head around. Big hazel eyes and pink cheeks welcomed Jane. The brunette swallowed hard. The scientist's beauty seemed to reflect in her current happiness; borderline feeling to a sudden lightness.
"I know what I am doing, Jane. I was four years old, the first time I went ice skating. Needless to say that I don't have any issue to keep a good balance on an ice rink."
The Italian pouted. It was true – and she knew it for a fact as they went ice skating every December together – but this was not a reason to go that fast either. The place was crowded. People bumped in each other a bit too easily. A second of inattention and they could find themselves on the floor.
"It isn't funny if we don't speed up a bit." Maura frowned and put her hands on her hips. "This is so not like you, Jane. You are usually the one who rushes head first into things. Shouldn't you be happy that – for once – I follow your rules?"
As much as she knew that her friend was teasing her, Jane had to recognize that it was true. Yet she couldn't help it.
Clumsily, she pointed at her knee and held her breath as she started losing her poor balance. She closed her eyes for a brief moment to focus on not falling down and finally shook her head.
"1982. Gabriella D'Agostino. Six stitches. 'Nough said."
Maura repressed a laugh and raised unconvinced eyebrows before crossing her arms.
"So this is the reason of your knee scar..." But as she realized that her words meant she had been attentive enough to her friend's knee to actually note this particularity, Maura blushed and began – sadly enough – to stutter. "I mean it's... It's... It... Err..."
And then it happened. A boy passed fast by her, slightly bumping on her shoulder. The movement – abrupt – made her turn around, lose her balance. But before she had a chance to land on the ice rink, she found herself in Jane's arms who caught her back at the last moment.
Why? Why did the bathroom situation have to repeat itself? Why was she standing a few inches away from Jane's lips? So close and so far at the same time that she could feel burning tears rush insidiously to her eyes.
"Why Jane Rizzoli... If I'd known I'd see you here!"
A man in his early forties appeared from nowhere to break Maura's quiet fantasies. Surprised, the medical examiner straightened up – took her distance from Jane's arms – and observed the stranger; her lips pursed.
"Oh my... Matt Donoghan! Hey, how are you? What are you doing here? Hadn't you moved to... Err... Florida or something?" Jane's grin lit up her eyes as she hugged her interlocutor warmly.
Too warmly to Maura's taste, actually.
"I had, indeed... Yeah. But now, my ex-wife's there and I'm back here. I took my kids ice skating, they visit me for the holidays. You see the girl with the red coat and the boy by her side?" Matt pointed out two children who were skating a bit further. "These two are mine. Enjoying a good ol' Massachusetts winter!" He turned to Maura and winked. "If I were completely honest, I'd tell you they think it's just freezing here."
The honey blonde forced a smile and before realizing it, she passed a hand on Jane's lower back to bring her closer to her own body. The detective didn't miss it and cast a brief – confused – glance at her friend.
"I won't fall down, no worries." Jane frowned at the scientist, smiled at Matt again. "Let me introduce you to Maura. Maura is a friend of mine. We work together. Maura... This is Matt. We went to high school together and lived in the same street for years!"
The man nodded enthusiastically.
"Years of basketball and hockey games! Jane was the best. Nice to meet you, Laura." He held out his hand.
"Maura. It is Maura." The scientist politely shook the man's hand and swallowed hard.
Too many things were wrong right now. From Jane's smile to Matt's way to literally gaze at her in spite of his children being around passing by the way the brunette had introduced her as a friend and just that. A mere friend. The words had been as sharp as a thousand knives cutting through her heart. Yet what could she do? This was exactly what she was, in the end.
A friend. Just a friend.
"Hey... Can't leave the monsters alone for too long – or their mother'd kill me – but would you like to get a drink and catch back on life one of these days? Although seeing how you're looking, I'd say that life's been good to you, Jane!"
As the brunette burst out laughing, Maura stared at her and clenched her fists. Ridiculous anger, a shameful jealousy. But she couldn't help it. There was nothing worse than witnessing Jane flirt with a third party when she was around.
She looked down and noticed that she had subconsciously let go of her friend, made a step on the was taking her distance, watching Jane escape from her grip. Bitter symbol of something that would happen one day.
"Err sure why not! Here's my card. Call me one of these days." The Italian held out a business card to Matt – one of those she kept in the pockets of her coat – and smiled at him as he bent over and kissed her cheek before nodding at Maura then leaving.
Silence fell over his departure.
Exiled in the middle of the crowd of ice skaters – lost among joy and laughter – Maura remained still and focused on a point straight in front of her to prevent the tears from running down to her lips.
In vain.
"Do you think we should..." Jane's question never hit the air.
Maura's lips on hers stole the words as the blonde captured her mouth abruptly. Jane felt her friend's fist clutch to her collar to make sure that she would not lose her balance under the sudden movement.
A kiss. An unexpected one. Completely incomprehensible. Salty, bitter. Too cold. Almost violent, desperate.
And when reality imposed itself again to Maura – when she realized what she had just done – she gasped and skated away.
The crowd swallowed her too quickly for Jane to react on time. As she came back to her senses – yet still completely taken aback by the kiss – Maura had disappeared from the ice rink and was nowhere to be seen.
