Onwards, we trek! Into the wild unknown of Bella Swan's mentally instable mind! Be warned, this is a dangerous, confusing, ridiculous place. You have been warned. Now heed.
Or heel. Whichever. I could do with a slave or two.
Disclaimer: I fell in love with Edward Cullen. SUE ME. Just kidding, ehm, yeah, I own thees plot. And I OWN. SM is entitled to everything else.
Ch. 12: Vampires Suck Balls
I had been looking forward to this occasion for all my life. This moment, above all others, would be a gift to me. You know, like a good kind of Karma. The Bible's all about giving good stuff to the people who suffer in the world. I suffer because I'm normal and everyone else is weird.
This moment is where I finally get my reward for never being understood.
Edward had on baseball pants.
Tight, thigh-and-buttock-hugging baseball pants. Tight enough to show off those gorgeous muscles every time he moved, and that ass I wanted to bite into. I wanted to touch, grab, and never let go. Instead, I drooled.
"Wipe off your saliva." Just Alice murmured. I ignored her and continued to leer. Edward squirmed. We were sitting in the back of the Behemoth's behemoth Jeep; I was on the right, Just Alice was in the middle, and Edward was on the left. I had really, really, really wanted to sit next to him, if only to touch his baseball pants. But NOOO, Just Alice had to keep us separated with her super strength and vampy powers.
What. A. Jerk.
Honestly, I just wanted my heavenly payment in the form of my heavenly Edward's yummy lower half.
Edward squeaked again. He was doing that a lot lately.
Emmett guffawed. Or laughed really deeply. Laughing deeply was a guffaw, right? I know a chuckle's a friendly laugh, and a giggle was a silly, high-pitched, annoying laugh, and a chortle was a wet, snorting laugh, and a snicker was a mean laugh, and a laugh was a laugh, and so a guffaw had to be a deep laugh. Or was it a chortle was deep, and snicker was high pitched, and-
"Bella." Edward stared me down, his voice still a little hoarse even though he'd been sprayed with chlorine two whole days ago. Prima Donna.
"Yeah?"
"A guffaw's a deep laugh. You had it right the first time, so stop thinking in circles and annoying me."
"Wait," said Just Alice, "a guffaw's a loud laugh, not a deep laugh. And the opposite of that's a chuckle, which is a quiet laugh."
"Really?" I asked, "I thought a chuckle was friendly. So what's a snicker?"
"It's a mean laugh," piped the Behemoth. I nodded smugly. That's what I thought.
"Then what's a chortle?"
"A gleeful laugh."
"And a giggle?"
"It's a snickering laugh."
"But a snickering laugh is a snicker!"
"No, it's a giggle. Didn't I just say that?"
"Don't forget cackle! That's a loud laugh."
"But I thought a guffaw was a-"
"WHO CARES?" Edward roared.
I snickered. Just Alice giggled. Behemoth guffawed.
"Oh, shut up." Frustratedward muttered.
"And my name's not Frustratedward, it's-"
"Sex- Eddie." Emmett snickered that time. Or did he giggle?
"Bella…" Edward growled at me. I shrugged my shoulders. What did he expect? With so many combinations of laughter how was I not supposed to be confused?
And I didn't mind him growling at me. Him growling was hot. He was hot (although, technically, he was very cold). Especially with the baseball pants on.
And we had come full circle again. Me drooling, and Edward looking like he was in pain.
Thankfully, we had finally arrived in Narnia or whatever other mysterious place we had to drive forty miles to. I slid out of the car quite ungracefully and ran after Edward, pulled in by the mesmerizing power of the PANTS. Not the pants, the PANTS. But, alas, he was too fast for me, too fickle for me, too wide-eyed at my seductive (to be sure) expression. He ran away. And I stood pouting at the newly materialized home plate.
"Why so sad?" The mommy vampire asked.
"Edward won't let me molest him." I whined. She looked a little wide eyed for a moment, which made her seem very much like Edward's actual mother. But then she started laughing. Usually Edward just gaped at me after his wide eyes came into play.
"How disappointing for you both." She said, grinning at me. I nodded, glad she agreed.
"Do you have an umbrella?" Mompire asked. I shook my head no and she sighed, grumbling under her breath as she stomped over to Edward and admonished him.
"No umbrella! No raincoat! Just a measly sweater! What were you thinking? And no bug spray for her either… she'll be eaten alive! Do you have any idea how many mosquitoes are around here?" Now that last one I found funny.
Mosquito repellant? Really? When I was currently in the company of eight of the largest, deadliest mosquitoes on the planet?
I just couldn't stop laughing after thinking about that. Vampsquitoes- the big, bad-ass, bloodsucking bugs. Emmett with feelers was a particularly hilarious image.
The seven, non-winged, fanged, pseudo-bugs stopped and stared at me as I fell to the ground in convulsions.
"What's wrong with her?" I heard Emmett ask, a fearful note in his voice. Which made me laugh even harder.
"She's imagining you with feelers, Em." Edward choked out, trying his best not to laugh with me.
Confused silence.
"Esme's rant about… mosquito repellant," he laughed, "made her think about how she was with eight giant mosquitoes, for all intents and purposes. Vampsquitoes, to be exact. And she started imagining Emmett as a vampsquito…" He couldn't continue talking at that point. Instead, he joined in with me on the hysterics.
Silence in the clearing.
"God, they were made for each other, weren't they?" So sayeth the Viqueen. Who had just become my most favorite person ever.
"You have no idea." Just Alice whispered ominously. Jas-lurk just sighed and shook his head. I glared at him through my laughter.
I wiped the tears from my eyes and stood shakily to look at all seven of them, Edward included, looking stoic and creepy. The Viqueen's comment must have stopped him from laughing. Because he was in denial, and denialists are like high druggies- being brought back to reality gives them the shakes.
I sighed.
Why are you fighting this so hard? I thought to him, giving him my best bitch glare. He looked away, grimacing.
Giving in would be so much easier for you, and me, and your PANTS. I grinned, staring at those powerful thighs. He gulped. Stupid Edward, why couldn't he just act like the teenage boy he was, if only for a moment? Which, incidentally, would have been enough time for me to get my hands on those PANTS of his.
"Eh, maybe we should get the game started." Esme announced from Carly's side.
A blur of movement later and everyone was in position. Including Mompire, who had taken upon herself the liberty of being my guardian.
"I'm the ump." She stated proudly. Ump, funny word. Not much of a position to be proud of.
But hey, who am I to argue with a life size mosquito?
"Good for you!" I managed with a smile, before turning to the game, wanting to see Edward's tightly clad ass again.
Which, it seems, just wasn't in the cards for me. Because he was in the outfield and I had really bad vision. He was just a white, ginger blur to my inferior eyesight. I pouted, sulked, and slouched, disappointed that my lusty needs were being unfulfilled. Then there was water on my nose. The Mompire pulled up my hood before pointing my bewildered expression up towards the sky.
It was raining.
Awesome.
I sighed dejectedly. Then something exploded nearby, causing me to jump out of my skin. Well, not literally. That would just be messy. Skin is like a container, holding all the messy, gross, bloody organs inside of the body. If I jumped out of my skin for real, I'd be a red, cellular puddle of gore.
After this amazing and slightly sickening observation, I turned my attentions towards figuring out what the hell had me un-technically jumping out of my largest organ.
"Thunder! And a baseball being hit!" A faint, masculine, delicious voice called, originating solely from the singular, socially isolated ginger standing in the field and reading my mind.
"Shut up Red!" I screeched, still a bit bitter about the fact that he was hiding his PANTS from my sights. I couldn't tell for sure, but the blurry figure seemed to smirk at me. I grumbled.
"Red? Oh that's priceless! I keep forgetting that you're a ginger, Edward!" Jerksper roared with mirth. My bitterness faded as Edward's increased.
"I am not a ginger!" He yelled.
"My hair's just… auburn!"
Yeah, and I'm just… weird. Yeah right.
Edward looked like he was about to say something else but then Just Alice started screaming and running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
I was unsure as to whether or not this was how one played the game of baseball. If Charles could hear me right now he'd probably disown me. Or feed me to the Newt. Baseball was his other, favorite child. And a complete mystery to me.
"They're coming! They're coming!" she screeched.
And before I could even ask who, I was in the arms of my very own favorite vampire.
Oh my god. The PANTS! They're right behind me!
That's seriously all she can think about right now?
I swiveled my hips a bit, trying to turn around. But all Edward did was grunt and hold me closer. I was just about to grab his thigh with my hand; I figured I had nothing to lose, when something blonde and creepy was suddenly right in front of my face.
"Hello," the thing crooned, which I then realized was a guy. Or, more, accurately, a vampire. He would have been hot if it weren't for the way he was smiling at me. He reminded me of a clown.
I hated clowns.
"Hi." I said back, doing my best to seem brave and not imagine him with lipstick, face paint, and a large red wig.
"What's your name? And oh, you smell good." I smiled at him cautiously. Was this like some standard vampire greeting? Maybe he didn't know I was a human.
I was just about to answer him when Edward started growling. In a flash, I felt one hand twitch around me and saw the blonde fly back. As his creepy face left my vision, the rest of the field was visible. The blonde was standing up, looking like someone had stolen his candy, and he was standing next to an equally creepy redhead.
"Oh my god! It's a ginger plague!" I screeched, finding the situation suddenly hilarious.
Two gingers were in a field… it sounded like the beginning of a really lame joke. I started laughing.
"Is something wrong with her?" the creepy blonde asked. I seemed to have this question asked about me a lot. Edward growled.
"No she's perfectly fine." He bit out. I snuggled happily into his embrace, my laughter dying out.
"Yeah, I'm fi-ine," I giggled. The blonde thing leered.
"Oh, and my name's Bella. It means beautiful, which kind of sucks, don't you think? I have a lot to live up to. Not to mention my last name's Swan… Beautiful Swan. Like, what the hell? What kind of corny idiot would do that?" I tried my best to make small talk. Because small talk is my favorite thing to make. It is tiny, cute, and blue. Like Smurfs. Big talk sucks; it is the last resort of egomaniacs and the boring.
The blonde's leering leaked away from his face to be replaced by boredom (see? A Boring Person!). He yawned.
How rude. And then he started talking Big Talk, like the pathetic, egocentric, son of a bitchin' bastard that he was.
"I thought you were something special, to be surrounded by so many of us powerful beings," what a pompous ass, "but I can see from your babbling that you're just a normal, ordinary human, content with filling silences with inane chatter and inconsequential details about your idle life." He glanced at Edward, who'd let go of my arms and taken a step back.
The blonde looked confused. I was too busy being extraordinarily pissed off to notice the smirk on Edward's face.
"This'll be priceless…" I heard behind me.
"Hey, you glorified bug! Look at me right now! You have no right to call me normal. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not, but it's not up to a repulsive, boring centenarian like you to decide! So shut your face! Oh, and powerful beings? Are you kidding me? Do you think you're special? How about cool? You sparkle like a unicorn! Wow, how terrifying! You're just a big, sparkly, fairy princess mosquito with shit for brains and a creepy smile to match! Suck on that, Barbie." Then, for emphasis, I stomped over to his shocked self and bit him. Hard. And even though I felt like my teeth were breaking, I was positive that my point had been made.
The rain fell in rivulets down his dumb face.
"Oh, James, can we keep her? She's so delightfully odd!" the redhead exclaimed, petting my hooded head. I disengaged my teeth and smiled at her, liking her instantly.
"Yeah Jimmy. I'm odd. Delightfully so." Jimmy didn't reply, just continued to stare at me with a wide-eyed expression.
"James!" the redhead whined. It wasn't very becoming. Especially when she grabbed his arm and started shaking it.
"I want to keep her! Can't we make her our pet? Please? Pretty please with a drop of blood on top?" She started jumping up and down, still shaking his arm like some kind of spoiled toddler. I stepped back, not wanting to get hit by Jimmy's flailing arm and the flying droplets of water from Vicky's bouncing red hair.
He snapped out of his shocked gaze and turned to the ginger with a frown.
"No, Victoria. We do not keep humans as pets. We eat them. But I feel like this one's mindset would taint her blood." I tried my best to figure out whether or not he was insulting me by saying that. Vicky pouted and fake cried.
"But. I. Want. Her!" She squealed. Jimmy rolled his eyes, grabbed her arm, sent one wary look in my direction, and high tailed it.
"No. Vicky, no human pets! I'll buy you a chinchilla!" Drifted back to me, Jimmy's voice sounding a bit high pitched and desperate.
"But I want her! And I WILL have her!"
Lightning flashed, thunder clapped, and rain continued to fall.
"Great," Edward groaned, "will life ever be easy with you around, Bella?"
I grinned, shook my head, and before he could stop me, grabbed hold of one of those titanium cheeks of his (the butt ones) and squeezed.
"Nope," Behemoth snorted, "but I don't think she minds it being hard, if you catch my drift."
See ya next time I decide to update! I have a story line and everything, just give me time to get my circus act together. Buuuuuttt in case you feel like I don't update enough for you, I'll give you incentive:
There will be lions, leashes, leeches, kidnapping, strait jackets, old people, and floral perfume in the future!
