AN: SO REMEMBER how I said I wanted to wrap this up? Well, in the interest of that end, here is a bunch of things I had planned to space out more but here we go let's slap 'em together willy-nilly FUCK YEAH LET'S GO NO TIME FOR PACING GOTTA GO GOTTA RUN FAST! Except for the part where most of the Zoro and Luffy stuff was actually supposed to have been covered in the bath scene in chapter 3 but I got sidetracked and forgot to put it in. So that COULD have been paced better, if I sucked less.

Of course then it takes me over two months to finish this chapter anyway, so it's not so much "gotta go fast" as it is "gotta gradually force myself to write in ever shrinking installments over the summer" because I'm just that awesome.


Sanji was currently having one goddamned shit-storm of a day. Just. An absolute fuckbarrel, no two ways about it.

Okay, it all started when he couldn't sleep, right? That sucked enough as it is. The air was hot and humid and full of mosquitoes all through the night, and Sanji had had fucking ridiculous insomnia since they got near this place. At some point he wandered out to the docks to try and clear his head and smoke a cigarette, and who should he see stand around in naught but trousers and staring at the moon but Trafalgar motherfucking Law.

As Sanji approached he had guessed that Trafalgar was similarly unable to sleep with a human rubber blanket smothering him. A perfectly reasonable assumption. "Can't sleep?" he asked, one curled eyebrow raised.

But when Trafalgar turned around to look at him, he didn't particularly look like a man who was plagued by insomnia – he looked rather pleased with himself, all told. "Oh, good timing," he said, and, like it was a perfectly okay thing for a person to do, stole the cigarette out of Sanji's hand and took a drag from it.

Sanji blinked, watching the cherry glow bright red as the surgeon smoked peacefully. "Mmm. Just didn't feel like sleeping yet," Trafalgar answered around the cigarette. And without thinking about it, Sanji's eye flowed from the cigarette in his hand, down the path of his naked arm to his shoulder, whereupon even in the light of street-lamps Sanji could very clearly distinguish the sight of a huge, suspiciously Luffy-shaped bite mark.

The chef's eyes narrowed. "Did you fuck my captain?"

Trafalgar grinned. "No?"

Sanji looked at the man. He was giving the overwhelming impression of someone who's just gotten laid. "Are you lying?"

"Nah," he shrugged, taking another drag from the stolen cigarette.

"So you didn't fuck my captain," Sanji confirmed.

"Now, I can't really say that, either." His grin turned into a smirk.

"You son of a bitch."

"Aw, now come on." Trafalgar was walking back to his submarine now, but turned around and walk backwards for a moment so he could point the cigarette to Sanji and say, "If I was that bad, would I have just gotten some?" waggling his eyebrows and strutting off like a douchebag.

And Sanji couldn't even do anything, too stunned by the idea that a person had actually gotten into Luffy's pants to attack the bastard like he was clearly asking for.

He went back to the Sunny.

Now, he'd already noticed the lights were on in the crow's nest when he came outside in the first place. He just hadn't given it any thought past "Oh, the marimo is awake, too." And normally, he would continue on not thinking about Zoro or the crow's nest he had claimed as his own.

But right now it was like two in the morning or some shit, and what the fuck else was he gonna do. Go back to their bunk room and listen to Franky snore? Sit in the aquarium bar by himself nd get drunk? Hell no. Even spending time with Roronoa Zoro was more appealing. Sad.

He started his way up to the crow's nest. Only not notice as he climbed the ladder, the sound of a musical horn growing steadily louder. A saxophone or trumpet, maybe? Was he listening to a record up there?

But as he opened the hatch door it became obvious that there was no recording – that was the sound of an actual instrument being played. Sanji climbed up enough to be able to see inside, lifting the door open with one arm and seeing, as unexpected as the probability was, Roronoa Zoro 's back as he sat in front a set of sheet music propped to the wall and manhandling a saxophone.

Sanji stopped. Propped the door open and took a couple more steps up to prop his upper body on the floor of the crow's nest while he stood on the ladder, and listened to Zoro play.

He actually wasn't bad. It was obvious he was practicing an unfamiliar skill, often stumbling over notes of the song and then replaying the section over again until he was satisfied, but the parts he did know flowed well. Well, who'da fucking thunk it.

"How long have you been playing?" Sanji asked suddenly.

Zoro flailed in surprise, dropping the horn with an artless clatter to the ground. "JESUS fucking Christ!"

"Sorry," Sanji apologized casually. "But seriously, how long?"

The swordsman scowled, frustrated and embarrassed. "I don't know, a few months?"

Sanji hummed. "Brook got to you too, huh? I think I'm impressed."

Zoro sighed, picking up the saxophone from where he'd dropped it and placing it standing against the wall. "I don't even know how. One day when we were talking, he suggested it and I said sure or whatever, and then all of the sudden he just shows up with this thing and insists on showing me how to play it, and he keeps asking me if I'm practicing and every time I say no he gets so disappointed," he finished, grabbing at his forehead with one frustrated hand.

Sanji couldn't help but laugh. "Yeah, sounds about right. He got me by saying I have lovely hands and that the ladies find nothing classier than a man playing piano. Been teaching me on a keyboard in the aquarium bar for three weeks."

Zoro blinked in surprise, but ended up laughing a bit as well. "I saw Franky playing a ukulele three days ago."

Sanji climbed in the rest of the way, shutting the door with his foot. "Well, that settles it. Brook is on a covert mission to turn the Strawhat Pirates into a band. That devious bastard."

"Nami's gonna be pissed," Zoro observed, still smiling just a little and leaning against the wall. Sanji was relived – there was about an eighty percent chance that any interaction between him and Zoro would be awkward or violent, but it looked like this was one of the easier times. "So, what are you doing up here, anyway?"

Ah, crap, he'd forgotten until now. Sanji's whole face twisted into a cringe. "Ugh. I ran into Torao outside. I think that guy just fucked our captain."

Zoro's brow instantly furrowed again. "That son of a bitch."

"I know, right?!"

"Does this mean I'm finally allowed to cut his dick off?" The swordsman looked excited at the prospect.

Sanji shook his head. "We left that decision to Nami, remember? Otherwise we'd have voted to cut his balls off the day Luffy even decided on all of this."

Zoro looked annoyed. "Exactly, and look where that got us! If I'd been allowed to cut his dick off from the start, we wouldn't even be here!" He scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest. "Well. How do you even know if you just saw Trafalgar, anyway?"

It was Sanji's turn sigh and lean against the wall. "He had a huge hickey, stole my cigarette out of my mouth, and waggled his eyebrows at me. There is no way that guy hadn't just gotten laid."

"What a douchebag," Zoro scowled. "I think I hate that guy more with every passing second."

"Yeah, well." Sanji pulled out a new cigarette, lighting it as he made himself comfortable against the wall. "If you have any ideas beyond dismemberment, the class is open to hear them."

But Zoro had no better answer than a stiff grumble, and they were both quiet, leaning against opposite walls of the crow's nest and for once, not fighting.

Sanji decided that was boring. "Well don't let me stop you, keep practicing."

Zoro tensed up like a cat. "What? No!"

"Aw, come on," Sanji waved a hand dismissively. "We both know each other's dirty little secrets now, no reason not to, right?"

"I'm not gonna practice in front of you, tits-for-brains! Go away!"

"What's wrong, are you embarrassed or something?" Sanji asked, delighted. "Oh my god, you are, aren't you? I've never seen you embarrassed about anything before!" he laughed, dodging a nearby dumbbell Zoro half-heartedly lobbed at him. "It's fine, though, seriously. Later on I'll play my keyboard, show you my amazing Mary Had A Little Lamb skills." He grinned, miming the piano with his fingers. "I can almost play Chopsticks!"

Zoro was pressing a hand to his eyes to hide his face, but Sanji heard a snort of laughter. "Come oooon," Sanji coaxed. "I can't sleep anyway, so if I have to pick between your saxophone lessons and listening to Franky and Usopp's snoring contest, the choice is obvious. Play me a song?"

Zoro sighed and turned to face the wall again, but the last of his face Sanji could see before he grabbed his horn was that he was still smiling. "Fine, but I only know one full song. You get to listen to The Pink Panther over and over until you leave."

Sanji grinned, taking another drag of his cigarette and putting it out on the heel of his shoe, slipping the halfsie back into his pack as he relaxed against the wall. And it became obvious that whatever song Zoro had been practicing before he was still just learning just from the contrast between the two. The notes rang clear and smooth through the air like wine flowing from bottle to glass; Zoro would be the type to completely master what he was learning before moving on to the next.

He had to admit, he was actually terribly impressed. Didn't think Zoro had an ounce of class in him or an artistic bone in his body, but apparently Brook had managed to bring out a side in him even Zoro probably hadn't expected to exist. Sanji smiled, closing his eyes. He'd always liked the saxophone.

He was asleep before the second song was over.

Waking up alone in the crow's nest was a special kind of awkward considering he had not actually meant to fall asleep. But Sanji's body was well-trained in waking him up in time to make breakfast for everyone, whether he'd been asleep for twenty minutes of twenty hours, so awake to cook he was.

Yesterday had already been an adventure in discovering most of the local dishes use catfish or opossum as its base ingredient, so the crew was likely to be more inclined not to eat out. Docked or not, he'd have to prepare a full course like usual. Ah, damn it- and the Heart Pirates, were they Sanji's problem? He wasn't even sure at this point. Better go find Penguin.

The other cook wasn't difficult to locate. He seemed to be on his own way towards the Sunny, most likely wondering the same thing Sanji was, whether or not pirate alliance automatically spelled joint meals. He also did not look like a morning person, currently yawning tiredly and swiping scruffy bangs up out of his forehead so he could shove his hat on. "Morning, Sanji-san."

Sanji nodded back. "Hey." Well fuck it. They were both awake and needed to make breakfast right? And CERTAINLY, the two captains would have planned to dine together this morning, so they might as well work together. "Your place or mine?"

Penguin looked like he wanted the question to fluster him but was too sleep deprived. "Your kitchen is nicer, but mine is actually built for, like. Mass production. I think we're better off," he said, pointing his thumb over his shoulder towards the submarine glowing obscenely in the orange dawn light.

Easy enough. "I'll go get my knives." Using another chef's knives was like using another man's razor to shave.

The Revolver did have a pretty nice kitchen. Sanji had worked on ships with worse conditions growing up, and it was the same environment as most pirates ships – a place for one man to do his job, versus the crowded shared space of a restaurant kitchen. It was hardly at the level of the Sunny, or even the Merry in terms of class, but it served it's purpose, and Penguin looked like he was actually comfortable here. Guy seemed like he was always on edge around Sanji.

"So, what are we making?" Sanji inquired.

Penguin was still looking sleepy-eyed. "Oh, god, I don't know. Like, a fuckton of eggs?"

"Come on, we can do better than that," Sanji shuffled through the cabinets, making sure he knew what and where everything was. "The humidity is getting to everyone, so we'll need something light. Rice and soups, maybe some potstickers and kimchi?"

"Ughhh, you're way too awesome at this. How did I forget you were gonna make me actually do work," Penguin groaned, beginning to pull out the appropriate pots and pans. "Make sure to stay easy on the garlic or the Captain will throw up."

Sanji paused. "Seriously? Throw up?"

Penguin nodded, turning on one of the large burners on the stove. "Oh god, yeah. Between my not being a great cook and his weak stomach, I've made that guy puke like. So many times. It's sad. I finally got it down, but I still have to work around the fact that he can only eat like, three things on the planet."

"That. Explains a lot, actually." Sanji said. He narrowed his eyes. "Well for fuck's sake he could have SAID something instead of just turning up his nose at everything I made! GOD that guy's a dick!"

Penguin snorted, mumbling something along the lines of "Well I know what he DOES with dicks," into the cabinet he was rummaging through.

Sanji frowned, fingers tightening around the handle of the refrigerator door he was opening. "What was that?"

The other cook froze. "Uhhhh. Nothing. I just didn't get much sleep last night; talking to myself."

"Couldn't get much sleep," Sanji grit his teeth, instantly annoyed again. "Over the sound of my captain getting nailed, you mean?" He spat, slamming the door shut without remembering what he was trying to pull out.

"Pppsshhhtnnnnnaaaaaahhh! Well. Yeah, kinda." Penguin answered warily, taking a measured step backwards. "But if it makes you feel any better, it didn't sound like they went all the way?"

"You could hear how much they were doing?"

"Well I just mean," Penguin waved a hand in front of his face, as if it could diffuse the tension in the air. "I just mean... Yeah. We live in a little metal box. We could. We could hear quite a lot."

Sanji buried his face in his hands. "Oh my goodddddd! But it's Luffy!" Sanji wailed into his open palms. "Luffy wasn't ever supposed to have sex, much less be getting laid when no one else is! How did this even happen?! Luffy decides to keep people all the time, he never-" He cut off his own sentence, breathing out a forceful lung air into his hands before moving them up his face to sweep roughly through his hair . "And Trafalgar Goddamned Law? Just pops up out of fucking nowhere and just SEDUCES my captain or something? What the fuck even HAPPENED in Dressrosa?"

"I know waaaayyy less than you do, I was fighting off goddamned locusts! You were there for Punk Hazard, right?" Penguin shrugged, discreetly pushing the knives roll, full of very sharp knives, on the counter out of Sanji's reach. "And I mean, it's not like our captain's ever dated anyone either. Whatever happened, I guess it must have been pretty romantic."

Sanji sighed again, hands dropping from his hair. "Romantic, huh?" Shaking his head he opened the door to the refrigerator again, this time actually pulling out a few heads of cabbage and placing them on the counter. "I guess. I mean, it's not like I can't tell they're in love; I just don't get it." He grabbed his knives,

unfolding the cloth automatically and pulling out a serrated knife to begin shredding the cabbage. "It's just… It's Luffy. He's been doing this in his own way the whole time so it didn't seem that weird but now he's like. Gone from being asexual to gay for Torao? I just can't comprehend it."

"Wait, seriously?"Penguin sighed dramatically, and Sanji glanced over to see him clutching at his forehead like he was so disappointed it was physically painful to his brain. "It's just the sex thing that's bothering you? Man, that's." He turned back to his own work, setting water to boil. "You know that love and sex aren't really that complicated, right? Your captain being asexual wouldn't change just because he's able to... to be physically intimate with the person he's in love with, you know? If that's who he was before, doing this with Law doesn't mean he's suddenly going to be eyeing down guys in the shower. That's just not how this works." He went to the cabinet to begin pulling out soup stock and shrugging. "I mean like, me getting a chub from Boa Hancock didn't suddenly stop me from being gay, it just means she's just that damned hot, you know?"

Sanji stopped cutting at that, the knife pausing mid-air. "Wait. What? You're gay?"

Penguin only sighed for a moment, continuing to bustle around the kitchen. "Of course you didn't even notice. It's proving to be astonishing how closed-minded you actually are, you know? The possibility that anyone around you could be gay never even occurred to you for a second, did it?" Penguin looked downright annoyed now, an expression Sanji had never seen on him before. "Like. Seriously! Did you even notice Roronoa is gay? Because he's on your ship."

"Zoro's not gay!" Sanji snapped back immediately. "I definitely would have noticed if Zoro of all people was gay! What makes you say that?"

"Because it's a thing people know? Call it, like. Compatible intuition(1), if you want, but I'm totally sure Roronoa is a flaming sword-swallower." The Heart pirate pulled a sack of potatoes from a pantry and poured them into the sink to wash. "But if my – and Shachi and Zaya and Ohm's- opinion is insufficient, then at least consider if you've ever seen him act in any way like he's actually attracted to women."

Well that. Was a fair point, in retrospect. "That doesn't mean he's GAY, it could just mean he's like Luffy!"

Pulling out a potato peeler, the other cook just shook his head. "Okay, well, I sincerely doubt that, but sure. Let's say that is the case. You still never considered it until just now, right? I'm just trying to say that as a person you're proving to be depressingly... Inflexible."

"Inflexible?" Sanji had never been called inflexible in his life.

Penguin shrugged, still peeling potatoes. "As a man, you're really incredible and everything. But, you really need to work on being more open-minded, dude."

Zoro didn't see why everyone hated Throat Bayou so much. Sure, the air was sorta smelly and the bugs were a bit on the plentiful side, but the liquor was fucking out of this world.

Right now he was drinking something called Dybbuk Spit that tasted like what Chlamydia would taste like if it were a liquor and not a bacterial infection, but it had cost a hundred and forty-nine berry for the whole damned bottle and was strong enough to strip varnish, and there was no beating that. And that

was an especially good thing considering right now he was traipsing through the local swampland with Luffy.

It was mostly that he knew the guy had just gotten some the night before. Made it a liiiiittle weird.

Now, don't get Zoro wrong – normally he loved hanging out with Luffy, he really did. How could he not? The guy was out of his goddamned MIND, and what the fuck was more fun than that? Luffy was one hundred percent never-fucking-boring and Zoro loved it. So even if wading through a bog with him today was on the awkward side, Zoro could still recognize that Luffy was, in general, the best thing to have ever happened to Zoro's life. But Luffy was the best thing to happen to the lives of most of the people he met. It was kind of his thing.

The train of thought gave the swordsman pause for half a second. "Hey, Luffy." He asked.

Luffy glanced over at him from the patch of cattails he was parting to step through. "Yeah?"

"What's the best thing that ever happened to you? You know, that was outside of your influence."

Luffy looked surprised that Zoro had asked the question, but didn't hesitate for an instant. "Shanks," he stated firmly. "He inspired me to be a pirate. That guy gave me the world."

Zoro grinned, instantly feeling validated. Torao could do whatever he wanted, Luffy still had not and would not change. He kicked a snake out of his path. "The world, huh?"

"Toconquer," Luffy grinned, clenching and shaking one fist dramatically. Zoro, of course, laughed and obliged him in a well-earned high-five. "What about you?"

The swordsman scoffed. That question wasn't even worth asking, much less answering. "Same, pretty much."

"Huh?" Luffy made one of his too-stupid-to-function faces. "You met Shanks?"

Zoro didn't bother to roll his good eye; wasn't worth wasting the almost non-existent effort to do so. "Of course not, dumbass. The same. The same answer as Robin, or Usopp, or Nami, or Brook."

Luffy thought about that for a minute. "Oh, you mean me!" He grinned.

Zoro took another swig of Dybbuk Spit. "We are conquering the world, Captain."

Luffy looked extraordinarily pleased with himself at that, before stepping into a patch of moss that turned out to be algae and sinking waist deep into water. They looked at each other, shrugged, and began wading forward.

"I think these mosquitoes are big enough to be drawing blood through the rubber," Luffy observed, swatting away a small swarm of egg-sized insects.

"Good, the bug bites will cover up some of the hickeys you're teeming with." Zoro said idly, blowing a dragonfly out of his face.

"Hehehehehehhhhh," Luffy snickered. "Yeah, I totally got some sex last night."

"We can all tell," Zoro tried to ignore the thought of Trafalgar stealing the cigarette out of Sanji's mouth, the image bothering him on a deeply fundamental level. "How'd that work out for you?"

Luffy picked a piece of possibly seaweed or something out of the back of his pants and tossed it. "Awesome. Got my dick sucked."

A laugh burst out of Zoro easily. "Nice. Reciprocate?"

"Nah, I was too out of it. We used my hand."

"Heheh," Zoro couldn't help but grin. Trafalgar was awful smug for someone who'd only gotten a handy, huh? Well. Okay, it was a handy from Luffy, which was an actual legitimate accomplishment, but. Still. Zoro felt better about the whole thing.

They waded onto something that almost counted as solid land again, and Zoro paused to pull off his boots and dump the swamp water out.

"Ummmmm..." Zoro turned around to see Luffy rocking on his heels behind him. "Hey Zoro?"

He raised an eyebrow, pulling his boots back on. "What?" Luffy not asking any question outright was hardly common.

"You're gay or whatever, right?"

Zoro shrugged, standing up again. "I guess."

Luffy choosing not to meet his eye was also weird. REALLY weird. "Am I attractive?"

Nope. Not prepared for this, not gonna do this. Zoro out. "So, have you tried that snapping turtle soup they've got at the Hog's Breath? It was...Gamey."

"Zoro!" Luffy whined, tugging at his swordsman's sleeve. "Come ooooooon, I don't have anyone else to ask about this!"

"There are a ton of people!"

"I can't talk about sex with any of them!" Luffy shouted, red-faced. "I've never even stopped to wonder this stuff before and Torao's crew brought up the possibility that he's actually a pervert that's why he likes me, and-"

"Auuuughhh, shut up!" Zoro pushed his captain off his arm. "Being your friend is the worst. Yeah, you're hot, you little freak."

"Really?" Luffy asked, his voice muffled from Zoro's palm pressing against the side of his face to hold him away.

Zoro just sighed in defeat. "Not usually, because usually you're just Luffy, but then all of the sudden you'll be all. 'Damn!' or whatever. You're not like, distractingly sexy or anything, but Torao probably thinks you're hot all the time." He paused, narrowing his eyes. "I don't know about the pervert thing though, that one might still pop up on you. Watch out for that."

"Hehehhhh!" Luffy looked satisfied, letting go of Zoro and dancing off into the treeline for his first mate to follow. "So, I'm not distractingly sexy, huh? Distracting in the way someone else we know might be?"

Zoro groaned. "Don't even fucking-"

"Not distracting in a way that maybe causes you to walk off a dock into the open ocean?" His captain grinned, artfully dodging a swipe from Zoro's sword.

"Shut the hell up! That never happened!"

"I was there, Zoro. I saw you do it."

"Then you were around to see that I did that to rescue that drowning... mermaid."

Luffy looked at Zoro. Zoro looked back.

"Go fuck yourself," The swordsman complained and snapped a tree branch at his friend as he burst out laughing.

The two continued to trudge forward through the greenery. "But you know," Luffy started conversationally, and Zoro was really regretting having opened his fat mouth to start this discussion in the first place. "In regards to that thing you don't like to acknowledge? You do realize that like. You're not helping the situation any. I mean, you've never actually tried to like. Talk to him, have

Zoro scoffed. "Nearly every time we talk it devolves into a fight. It's a waste of time."

Luffy rolled his eyes. "Yeah, but. The only way anything will ever change is if one of the two of you does something. If Sanji is too difficult to change, then that just means you have to be the first one to step forward."

Zoro scowled, not sure if he was more pissed off they were still talking about this or because the little fucktard has a point. "Since when are you qualified to give out love advice?"

"Siiiiince I can make the word's grumpiest, most difficult person smile and laugh and kiss me in front of both our crews?" Luffy grinned.

Zoro did not grin. Zoro scowled harder. "Do you ever shut your facehole?"

"Only if it's crammed with food!"

They walked out of the trees to find themselves in a large expanse of open marshland stretching for miles in every direction. They stopped to take in the sight, a frog hopping by to land unconcerned on Zoro's boot.

"We probably should have brought someone other than just the two of us, huh?" Luffy observed.

"Yeah," Zoro agreed. "We honestly might never find our way back."

So all during breakfast Sanji was thinking about... All that there. Fortunately, cooking was how Sanji cleared his mind, he was too absorbed in his work to be too bothered by it, however, during the meal itself, there was plenty of free time to consider Penguin's words, and plenty of time to glare awkwardly towards Zoro as if watching the disgusting way he consumes breakfast will somehow provide evidence of his sexuality. It did not, and for the record, no one should ever watch another human being's mouth when they eat because it is the grossest thing in the universe.

Also, they couldn't make the soup not taste like swamp water without making it taste like alligator instead another added annoyance for Sanji. Nami was chatting happily with that saw-toothed giant from the Heart Pirates that Zoro kept picking fights with like it was totally normal and okay and Luffy was all sex-mussed and COVERED in hickeys. Motherfucking Trafalgar.

Breakfast was a terrible ordeal for Sanji in pretty much every regard.

He decided to cheer himself up by bringing some dumplings to the charmingly vivacious Miss Mag, who must be incredibly lonely in the infirmary with only Caesar goddamned Clown for company.

"Awww, aren't ye the gentlemanliest 'f things?" She cooed when he presented her the tray, her large eyes sparkling like emeralds. Ah, it really was better to be around girls, wasn't it? Even with the scars and... large portion of missing cheek and ear, Mag's cuteness shined through anything with that smile.

Oh, also, Caesar was on a chair three feet away snoring under a book. But whatever, that wasn't important.

What WAS important was lovely Mag, whose injured shoulder was causing her arm to shake through even the simple task of eating a dumpling. "Ahh, my poor little pixie!" Sanji crooned. "I'm so sorry for your terrible fate!"

But the little strawberry maiden just shook her head, mumbling around a mouthful of food "'M not a bit sorry! Imagine what would've 'appened to the ship if I hadn't valiantly thrown meself into that battle to stop the fighting? They couldda sunk the floor right under our feet!"

Sanji blinked at her, a bit of ash falling from the cigarette in his mouth. "What? What fight? I thought you fell into a bucket of swords?"

She scratched at the back of her head abashedly, wincing when the movement pulled at stitches hidden under another set of bandages around her upper torso. "Well, it does seem that I tripped on me way in there, r'else likely I wouldn'ta been dismembered so, haha!"

"Dismembered!?" Sanji crowed in horror. "Who was even fighting?!"

Caesar Clown snorted at the sound of his raised voice, book falling off of his face as he sat upright groggily. Mag handed him a dumpling, shoving a new one into her own mouth. "M'Captain and yer friend Roronoa. They seem to rub each other in all th' wrong ways, don't they?" She snorted, face reddening. "Heh, rub each other."

Sanji, meanwhile, was seeing red himself. "GOD, those two! Irresponsibly starting fights and getting you hurt in the process, unforgivable!"

Mag looked at Caesar, who shrugged and took a bite out of his dumpling. "Well they really dinn't involve me. Once again, did that quite on me own. I mean, fighting's sorta what I do? I've been throwing meself into frays long before I ever set sail as a pirate, there's no reason to blame it on anyone but me."

"A girl like you shouldn't have to be fighting at all!" Sanji kicked at Caesar's hand when he tried to grab more food off of Mag's tray. "If someone had to step into that fight, there's no reason it had to be you!"

"Sure there is, I'm th' best suited to handle it! That's what everyone always says, they say 'If there's one good thing about Mag it's that she's durable.'" She wasn't smiling anymore, frustration starting to mar her delicate features. "And besides, even'f that wasn't the case I'd've done it. I love fisticuffs, I'd keep fighting even if I was the... gentle flower ye seem to think I am."

Sanji sighed. Great, even this was turning into some kind of argument, now? Today was just too much. "I'm sorry, I don't meant to insinuate anything. I'm just saying, if there's over a dozen men on your crew, it should be up to them to protect you, not put you in even more danger!"

Instead of placated, she was starting to look downright offended now. "What, just because I've got tits?" she asked, Sanji and the clown both choking at her word choice. "So you're saying if me and Kazu are alone and get inna fight, I should leave the fighting ta him when he can barely even carry a sack o' ` potatoes?"She scoffed, leaning back into the bed again. "Zoey was right, any man who can

cook really is gay or a misogynist."

A... Misogynist? Sanji was a misogynist?! "That's ridiculous!" He shouted, body tensing in rage. "I am the exact OPPOSITE of a misogynist, I love women!"

Mag looked even angrier at his declaration. "Really, now? Ye love women, or the idea of women? Do ye love us as people, or as pretty things to be worshiped?" her voice raised as she spoke, the vertical scar on her forehead wrinkling as her brow drew downward. "Do ye ever stop to have real conversations with your lady crewmates, or do ye just fawn over them?"

Sanji ran a hand over his face, trying to calm himself and not be provoked by her rage. "Look, if you'd just calm down for a moment, Miss-"

She was sitting upright again, fists clutching at her bedsheets as she began to shout. "I won't calm down! I'm right sick'f bloody pigs like you telling me I can't fight because I'mma tiny little chipmunk girl or whatever, but it's who I am!" Mag struck one hand over her chest, striking the bandaged area without flinching. "If you wan ta prove ta me yer a real man and not a misogynist, then you'll hit me! Right now, I demand ye strike me!"

The expression on Caesar Clown's face at this proclamation was pure unbridled joy. "Yes! Do it, hit her!"

Absolutely fucking ridiculous. Sanji, on the other hand was just getting frustrated. "I am absolutely not going to hit you. Under no circumstances will you get me to hit you, Miss Mag!"

"Well, what about if I were to be after yer nakama? What if I were to corner and take down Nami, and it was jest you between me and the killing blow?"

"I would stop you non-violently," Sanji grit out between his teeth, deciding he'd had enough of this after all and starting to turn around towards the door. "Now if you'll excuse me-"

"Yer not getting out of here yet, fancy-boy! Caesar, the door!" Mag shouted, the scientist vaporizing into gas and flowing quickly into the doorway, swirling malevolently as he cackled.

"Hit her! Do it, kick her right in the face! No, in the shoulder wound! SHORORORORO!"

Which was really great. Really, just awesome. A toxic science clown trapping him in a room with an injured girl currently demanding he sock her in the face. Truly the ideal situation Sanji wanted to be in, and not any kind of reason for him to pull every strand of hair put of his scalp.

Red Mag, meanwhile, was riled up into a full boil, flailing out as she railed "Ye know there's a full crew of jest lady marines? What if your ship gets attacked by them, huh? What if VA Tsuru is cleaning up yer captain and swordsman, and the rest of 'em all get taken out for one reason or another, and because you refuse to fight yer the last one left facing off against the whole female crew? You'd let your nakama die over that pride? Because they would! It's not jest yer life you carry, ye daft son of a sea-scallop! After they kill you they'll step over yer useless corpse and cut the hearts out of everyone ye love!"

God, he was sick of this. He was so sick of this conversation! Why did everyone always have to stick their noses into it like chivalry was all of the suddenly a BAD thing?! "You know, on second thought, I could probably just go through you, can't I?" He said directly to Caesar Clown, still roiling in the doorway.

A grin appeared from within the pinkish gas cloud, and the scientist's irritating voice echoed through the metal room. "Perhaps, but then if you knocked me out all the lovely chlorine I've been gathering in the hallway behind me would dissipate. In such a little sealed submarine as this, that fog could end up killing someone on it's way outside! Sho-RORORORO~!"

GREAT. That's. That's SUPER trapped right there, because while Sanji could hold his breath for longer than anyone else on his crew, previous experience on Punk Hazard had already proven trying to run through a hallway filled with toxic gas was a little more complicated than that. "Why are you even helping!? Trafalgar will gut you if you end up killing his crew, you moron!"

The gas cloud looked as though it might be shrugging. "I don't know, pretty sure if I say I was helping Mag on this one the blame will go to you. Trafalgar's just crazy enough to take our side on this, I think."

Mag nodded furiously, pumping one fist in the air – the one attached to her injured arm, no less. "I'm sure he will! Captain's a REAL man, he's not afraid to do what needs to be done no matter if 'is enemy is a woman or child or – or a kitten in a wheelchair!" She declared, and Sanji noted a spot of red forming underneath the white of her bandages. "Caesar will swallow all the poison again if ye just lay one good hit on me and prove that if a girl killer ever comes, ye'll be able to do the right thing!"

"Miss Mag, I think you pulled out some of your stitches," Sanji was still angry at her, still annoyed by this whole situation, but that didn't mean Mag should go riling herself into reinjury, for God's sake. "You're going to hurt yourself. Lay back down."

Her eyes flashed, brilliant hazel shining with a fierce determination as she groaned angrily. "Yer starting to make me jest shy of sick, ye know! Why're ye even being so stubborn about this?! There's no point! I understand if your willing to lay yer own life down for yer pride, that's what stepping onto the battlefield is all about, but ye need to realize that the women fighting have also made that same forfeit! Once a person steps into a fight they KNOW they've put their life down, and refusing to fight jest because your enemy has a vagina and 's an insult more grave than any injury you could lay on them!"

"Well I've made my own decisions, and I'm not going to change who I am or what I believe in just because the enemy has their own pride!" Sanji snapped, eyes still not moving from the blossoming blood stain on her shoulder.

Mag clambered forward, the empty dumpling tray clattering to the ground as she crawled towards the end of the bed to grab at his neck tie. "Everything that comes out of yer mouth jest pisses me off even more! Even if it does come down to jest you and the woman who kills ye with none of yer other friend's lives on the line, ye really think it's okay to die in that situation too, don't ye? Like yer crew can just go on and find a new chef and all will be well like ye never even existed?! Do ye really think yer captain would ever accept another cook after ya go, or would the whole crew die of food poisoning and scurvy and starvation because yer dumb ass couldn't even lay one strike to a girl! Yer life doesn't belong to jest you, it belongs to yer captain and ship!"

He grabbed he wrist as gently as he could through the anger, prying her hand off from around his tie and trying to push her to lean back into the bed again. "Hey. Look. You're bleeding a lot right now, maybe this should wai-"

She interrupted him with a headbutt to the chest. "Ye think I care about that!? Ye think I care about any of the blood I've spilled, mine or otherwise?!" She hissed, slamming her uninjured hand over the bloodied bandages on her shoulder. Sanji winced, both at the action itself and at the red stain it left on her small hand. "The only thing I care about right now is knowing yer stupid stupid pussy-whipped arse is putting the lives of yer whole crew in danger with that shite attitude of yers! And as it is, I quite like the rest of yer friends, and would jest as soon not have you kill the lot with yer stupid MANPRIDE! We're allied crews now, so it's not even jest yer own crew yer endangering anymore; it extends to my family, too! If lady pirates end up killing Strawhat Luffy because you, as his nakama, failed to act, me own crew's gonna be in quite the fuckin' shitheap, ye know! Is yer head really so far up yer own arse you can't even see how important this is?! How many people could die because of you, and you alone!?"

"That's not even true!" Sanji shouted back, starting to panic at the amount of blood soaking into her shirt. She had managed to reopen the injury on her torso, as well, a second bloom of redness swelling under her small chest. "We're an entire crew so there are plenty of others around to fight the women. I'm not standing in anyone's way!"

"Bullshit! That's only because you've been lucky so far! Ye really think that will hold out the rest of yer lives, that ye won't ever have to face a woman yerself? Do ye really think ye can keep sailing without even having the resolve to fight?!" She raged, the only color left in her body all flushed into her red face while the rest of her was turning chalk white.

Sanji didn't even know what to say anymore, couldn't concentrate on coming up with a valid argument back with the blood starting to seep down her body and drip onto her thighs worryingly. He shot a glance to Caesar in the doorway, who looked less amused now, but rather impressed instead. He still didn't look like he'd let Sanji through to get Torao or Chopper, that was for sure. "Miss Mag, you're really losing a lot of blood. I don't think we have time for this argument right now!"

Her eyes narrowed, a steel resolve falling over her gaze as she locked eyes with him and very deliberately placed her hand over her worst injury, fingers forming a claw pointing into her own flesh. "Hit. Me." She demanded.

Sanji shook his head quickly. She dug her fingers into the wound, a fresh rush of blood squirting onto her fingertips. Caesar Clown cursed in surprise in the doorway, and Sanji dove forward to grab Mag's hands, prying them away from her battered body before she could hurt herself even further, only to be rewarded by her biting his wrist. He cursed, dropping one of her hands to push her head off his arm, but her teeth had sunk into enough to draw blood and he couldn't get her off without tearing a chunk of his wrist with her. "Damn it, you little- Get off of me!"

She drew back with a disturbingly feral growl, wiping Sanji's blood from her lips with the back of one hand and spitting onto the floor. But she had that hand free again, and she used it to plunge her fingers back into the meat of her shoulder as she screeched "HIT ME! Do it right fuckin' now, because I swear on the corpse of my own whore of a mother I will tear my arm off a thousand fuckin' times if it will get ye to stop being such a worthless misogynistic bitch-boy!"

Dear Lord – she was insane. Actually, legitimately out of her mind, and if he tried to restrain her again she was gonna bite clean through his goddamned hand. She had actually fucking won this fight- Sanji just didn't have a choice anymore; there were no options or reasoning with someone with such mad psychotic determination.

God, how he hated these fucking Heart Pirates!

One long leg swept upwards into the air, and the grin on Red Mag's face nothing less than viciously victorious before he brought his foot down over her skull in hopes that her head was the part of her that was currently the least injured.

Caesar Clown howled in laughter from the doorway, swirling back into a human shape as he cackled back towards the bedside.

Mag fell backwards into the bed, pumped one fist into the air, and cheered "HA!" at the ceiling. "So! Now that we've gotten ye to break yer little code of honor, we can work on the rest. Good progress today, boys!"

Sanji slapped a hand over his face. It was covered in Mag's blood. Awesome, he was glad he had noticed that now and not four seconds ago. "I hate you. I hate you and I hate this ship and I hate Caesar Clown and I REALLY hate your captain."

Mag gave him a thumbs up. "Good! Hating me is progress! Maybe next time we can get you to hit me without all the bloodshed, eh?" She looked up to see Caesar Clown hovering overhead. "Thanks for the help there, couldn't'a done that one alone," she said cheerily. But Caesar just looked like all the fun for today was already over now that she'd gotten hit, and leaned forward just enough to blow a light blue breath of gas at her face. "Awwww, no, I fuckin hate it when ye doooo... thattt..." She trailed off, apparently asleep before Caesar was even done turning around to grab medical supplies off the nearest shelf.

Sanji stared at him. "YOU COULD HAVE JUST KNOCKED HER OUT THAT EASY THE WHOLE TIME?!"

Caesar just began stripping off the soaked bandages from around Mag's body. "Well, she's actually proving to be uncomfortably immune to a lot of chemicals, so I don't want to use that too often or it'll probably stop working too," he complained, tossing the bandages into a nearby trash bin and beginning to cut out the old torn stitches. "But yes, I could have stopped this at any time. But I REALLY wanted to see you hit her. As far as I'm concerned, this is the best day I've had since you jerk-offs showed up in Punk Hazard."

Sanji sighed. He pulled out and lit a new cigarette, observing idly that the smoke from it was drawn naturally to the the logia user, the same way it flowed towards Smoker when he was around. Strange little Devil Fruit quirks, he supposed. "Should I go get someone? Trafalgar, or one of the other surgeons?"

"You think I can't even do something as easy as sew Red Mag back together?" Caesar scoffed, still carefully unthreading the stitches from two days ago. "Well. Also, I have exactly one job, and that is to make sure this loon doesn't kill herself. So I actually do think Trafalgar will throw my heart into the ocean if I don't handle this one."

The chef just shook his head, watching for a few more minutes as Caesar quickly and efficiently redressed her injuries. He walked out of the room.

Not sure what to do with himself any longer, he wandered back towards the Sunny. On the deck, Usopp and Zoya were squatting over a set of his blueprints, Usopp gesturing animatedly to something on the drawing and explaining "...And if everything goes right, you'll be able to charge it by plugging it into your control panel here. And if doesn't go right, the whole thing will blow up, but at this point I think we can blame it on Franky and Shachi and no one will think twice."

Zoya snickered nearly silently at that, ducking her head down to hide the upturned corners of her mouth under her collar.

Sanji watched the two of them for a while, sitting down near where Brook was carefully tuning a trumpet, metronome clicking quietly at his side. They looked... Comfortable. They were on different crews and barely knew each other at all, but somehow the two snipers had become friends so quickly and easily that they could smile and plan things with each other and apparently Zoya could say something rude enough for Usopp to burst out laughing and smack her in the shoulder, scolding "Oh my god that's so mean! And she still shares a room with you?"

Usopp... He'd allways been good at making friends with girls, hadn't he? He'd told Sanji all sorts of stories about his best friend Kaya, and he was always hanging out with Nami the same way as he spent time with Luffy or Chopper. He'd even made instant friends with Zoya, who as far as Sanji could tell, couldn't be bothered to speak to anyone else.

Suddenly, he remembered someone once mention that Zoro had had an old childhood friend, Kuina. Zoro also still got letters from Perona-chan; had even once been seen writing a brief reply along the lines of "Tell him you live there, too, and remind him he's not your dad. Also, STOP BOTHERING ME." That guy... he didn't even seem to LIKE women and he could still talk to them, huh? Didn't he and Nami go out drinking all the time?

The chef couldn't even imagine casually swatting a lady on the shoulder. But. He also was having trouble remembering a time he'd actually had a conversation with Nami or Robin the way he had with Usopp or Franky, or even Zoro. God, had he had more meaningful conversations with ZORO than he had with Nami? That was beyond fucked up.

Sanji still didn't think he was WRONG, was the problem. Having grown up not only on the sea, but working in kitchens specifically, Sanji hadn't ever had any girls his age to talk to growing up. Not ever, as far back as he could remember. To him, women had always been foreign and mysterious creatures, purer and more beautiful than the men he was surrounded with. He considered his earliest memories of women and girls - always looking from a kitchen doorway at them while they dined, only speaking to them in false conversations around the dinner table where everyone had to be polite because they were In public. Watching women on dates, women be proposed to, women meeting with their friends over cake.

Nineteen years like that. One year on the ocean with Nami and Robin, who Sanji was starting to realize he had learned nothing about. Two years on Kamabakka where there were, once again, no real women.

He continued to watch Zoya and Usopp, almost entranced. There... There might really be something wrong with the way he looked at them, huh?

"Hey, Brook..." Sanji started.

Brook turned his head slightly to side in acknowledgment, being unable to simply glance over with no eyeballs. "Yes?"

Sanji paused, thought about what exactly he wanted to ask. "Do you know where Robin learned that song she sung at our last dance party?"

"Ah," Brook hummed. "She used to have a music class when she was a young girl. I believe that song was her teacher's favorite?"

Brook knew. Brook knew where she had learned that song because he had talked to her, and she had told him. What a novel fucking idea.

Sanji sat there for a while, considering. An inflexible misogynist, huh?

He stood up, heading towards the library. There, where he'd hoped she'd be, sat beautiful Nami, frowning in her favorite chair with her hand propping her chin up.

"Hey, Nami-swan," he asked, the navigator raising an eyebrow at his entrance. He stopped again, fishing around for the right thing to say, the right question to ask. He ended up with "What was your favorite toy when you were little?"

Her elegant features twisted into something dumbfounded. "Uh, I had a stuffed pig named Guinness. He was brothers with Nojiko's sad donkey, Modelo." She shook her head, orange curls bouncing sexily on her shoulders at the action. "But nevermind about that – I think that son of a bitch Torao fucked our captain!"


AN: THIS is not actually where the chapter was supposed to end - I've had this much written for over a month, and then while forcing through the part I'm writing now, realized if I kept the whole thing one chapter like i planned, that one chapter would be, in term of this particular fanfic, OBSCENELY LONG.

So even though this part of the story I'm telling right now is like, halfway to 2/3ds of the way through only, I've just gotta split this up. I mean. It's gonna take me AGES to finish these last... three very difficult and not-fun-to-write scenes anyway, and the guilt for stalling on this so hard is starting to crush my soul a little.