Chapter 11
What I am to You Is Not Real
Renee walks out of the house and smiles at me. "It was good to see you again," she says to both of us. It sounds weird, such a formal greeting from your own mother. But she hasn't been my mother for such a long time.
"Thanks for coming," he says, flashing her a quick smile.
I turn away with a heavy sigh. I couldn't force myself to talk to her right now. "Please call me soon, Bella." I could hear the disappointment in her voice as she spoke. "We have so much to catch up on." All I could do was nod. I watched her walk away and shift the toddler from her right hip to her left.
"I know it's not really my place," he says trying to met my eyes. "But she's trying."
"I know," I nod and brush away the stray tears. "But it's not for me. She did it all for Carly."
"That has to count for something," he shrugs. "You might never be able to forgive your mother and I don't blame you for that. But don't take it out on Carly. She is your sister."
"Half," I say firmly. "Half sister."
"I never had a biological brother at all but that didn't stop me from calling him my brother," he says, nodding at the empty house beside us.
I nod in agreement. I understand what he's saying but it doesn't help. It doesn't make it any easier. "She looks so much like him," my voice cracks as I speak. "She has the same eyes."
XXXXXX
As the days passed we made plans. Bags were packed. My savings account was slowly drained. We agreed on our final destination. It wasn't just a fantasy the reality of it was sinking in as each day ticked by. Time seemed to slow down and I was sure that I was driving the boys crazy. I couldn't go more than an hour without hearing from the boys before I would start to freak out. Luckily they were pretty much with me at all times anyway. Each time they went home and came back I tried to talk them into me doing a full body inspection since they were so willing to keep me in the dark so often.
I thought that having a set date and a plan would help make this easier but nothing could help me calm my fears. I was always so on edge and tense, just waiting for bad news from somewhere. I was sure i was driving everyone around me crazy. I smoked a lot. I drank a lot. I tried to limit how often I lit up a joint but sometimes I couldn't find any other way to calm myself. And the worst part is... that used to be enough. I refused James's offerings on other drugs. Even the ones I have already tried. I had to. If I started I wouldn't stop. Because I know how wrong it is. I made promises to never do it again. But goddamn did I want to. I wanted to be back in that strangers bed in Seattle and let myself float away. I had a feeling I was going to struggle with that feeling for a long time.
Friday evening Jacob was still working in the shop, Edward was watching TV in my living room and I was sitting at the kitchen table going through the bills again for a final time. I couldn't leave things without making sure everything was taken care of. I had already gotten myself all ready to leave in case we needed to do it at a moments notice even though the boys insisted that wasn't necessary. I was leaving for Seattle again in the morning with Jacob to visit Charlie for the weekend. And the next few days after that I had to spend getting the house ready for Charlie to come home. And Sue to move in. And if things all went according to plan Sue's kid's would move in soon to follow. I cleared out most of the attic for Sue's son Seth to move into. And Leah was supposed to share my room, but by the time she got there, it would be all hers. At least Charlie wouldn't have an empty house. Charlie had some set backs a few days ago with some seizures, but everyone reassured me that it wasn't anything to worry about and not to bother coming up until the weekend. I reluctantly agreed.
Charlie had one last surgery scheduled for Sunday to put in a pacemaker and baring any complications he was scheduled to be released Tuesday. I would get one night at home with Charlie before I left.
I paused to dig the pen into my cast and scratch as far down as I could. I still couldn't reach the damn itch. As I wrote the date and forged Charlie's signature on a check I was hit with a sudden wave of panic. "Holy shit!" I cursed out loud as I stood and turned to Edward. "I'm fucking late!"
"No need to curse over late bills," Edward laughed at me. He looked at his phone and he jumped to his feet I opened my mouth to explain but then I clamped my hands over my mouth. I couldn't say it out loud. "Oh shit!" he cursed when he looked at me. "Your period? Your period is fucking late?" I kept my hands over my mouth but I nodded my head.
He ran to me and held my arms as he stared into my eyes. "It's okay," he tried to comfort me. "You're just a little late. And you are under a lot of stress with the whole Charlie thing and everything else. You use birth control and condoms," he said everything he could think of to reassure me. I cringed as I thought about it. "What?" He stared at me, waiting for me to explain.
"Sometimes there isn't time for a condom and I haven't even thought about my birth control over the past few weeks!" I shouted. "I'm such a fucking idiot!" I sat back down and rested my head on the table.
Edward sat beside me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. "We still don't know anything for sure. It's probably nothing. You're just barely late. I know your cycles are pretty consistent but that doesn't mean-"
My head snapped up as I looked at him. "What the fuck do you know about my cycles? How the fuck would you know how late I am? Do you go through my trash or something? Do you have a superhuman nose that can smell the period on me? And what? You track it? I barely do that. Jesus! Fuck! Stalk much?"
Edward shrugged and a blush crept onto his cheeks. He stood and scratched the back of his neck and looked away from me. "I don't know. I can just tell. I spend so much time with you it's easy to see even the subtle differences in you."
I looked at him with horror in my eyes. My period was kind of obvious? "What the fuck does that mean?" I screamed in exasperation as I stood up.
"Just calm down. I'll run out and get you a test. No need to panic yet." Edward held my arms and stooped down to look into my eyes.
"Who's panicking? What kind of test? Did something happen with Charlie?" Jacob asked as the door slammed shut behind him. Edward and I froze and turned our heads to look at Jacob. I stopped breathing for a second and my panic only mounted. "Oh shit, this looks bad," Jacob cursed.
"Charlie's fine," Edward sighed and released me.
"So what's going on?" Jacob asked.
Again, Edward and I froze. Did I really want to tell him? I was in full on freak out mode and not thinking clearly. Could I be pregnant? I was not ready to deal with this. I probably wouldn't ever be ready for this to be honest. But at the time, on top of being an overly emotional teenage girl with normal teenage girl problems I also had to deal with a love triangle for the boys next door, who also happened to get beaten senseless on an almost nightly basis. And though I tried to convince myself otherwise I was still not over the rape and my mother's betrayal. I wanted a drink so bad. Even worse I wanted to call James and have him hook me up again. I needed to float away into another world without all these thoughts and problems. And that, I think, is what scared me most of all. The fact that I had finally given in and was so close to allowing myself to become hooked. I always thought I could always say no. That I didn't need the drugs. But I was suddenly learning I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. The problem was becoming that I didn't want to say no anymore. I wanted to give in. I wanted to give up. I wanted to forget no matter how short of a time it was for. I wanted to get lost in the haze of drugs. But I couldn't. I was completely ready to give up on myself, but I was not ready to give up on my friends, and I probably never would.
"I'm late," I finally blurted out, unable to keep it in any longer. And I really needed a distraction from my own thoughts.
"That's it?" He laughed. "I thought something was wrong. Late for what? I'll help get you there."
"No." I shook my head. "Not like that. I'm late," I tried to emphasize the worse slowly maybe he would get it so I didn't really have to say it out loud. If I didn't talk about it, it couldn't be true.
"Late for what?" he asked again, slowly like me.
"For her period, dumbass," Edward replied coming to my rescue. We all froze. Someone said it. It was out there. It was real. I was terrified.
"Oh," Jacob sighed. "Oh, shit! Well alright. Like how late are we talking? Like normal let's not freak out late? Or holy fucking shit this is really happening late?"
"Four days," Edward answered for me when I didn't.
I glared at him again. "Really? You know the exact number of days? What is wrong with you!"
"I don't know the exact days, just a rough estimate," he said as if that helped make it less weird at all.
"Oh, so this is still just a maybe, right?" Jacob released a long breath and eased into Charlie's recliner. "Four days isn't so bad." I just shrugged and shook my head. "We'll figure this out," he said and he finally looked up at me from across the room. "You know I'm here for you no matter what." I couldn't speak so I just nodded. "Just get the little pee stick thingie and well go from there," he said softly.
"You go get the pee stick!" I shouted at him. "I think I'm going to throw up!" I shouted and put my hands over my stomach and paced around nervously.
"Like pregnant puke or..." he trailed off.
"Just go get her a damn test," Edward yelled at his brother as he wrapped his arm around me.
"You go get it!" he yelled back. "I think Bella and I should probably talk about this."
"There is nothing to talk about until we know for sure," I yelled at him and shoved him to the door. "Now go!"
Jacob paused a moment and he stared at me. "Please, Bella, let's talk about this for a minute. This isn't so bad. If you're pregnant. It's fine. It won't be easy but we can work it out. I will be there for you the whole way. For both of you." He smiled and stared right at my stomach as he said the last sentence.
"Get get the fucking test!" I screamed unable to say anything else.
"You're not helping," Edward said to his brother. "She clearly isn't ready to talk about anything until she knows for sure. Just get the test. Everyone is going to calm down and we'll go from there." This time Jacob listened and he left without another word.
Edward and I both settled onto the couch. I rested my head in my hands and released a heavy breath. "Did you hear that?" I turned to look at Edward. "Did you see it in him?"
Edward shrugged. "He's trying to be supportive. You know he's right. He will be there for you."
"Not that. I know that," I argued. "He smiled at me. A genuine smile. Not a nervous freaking the fuck out and I don't know what else to do kind of smile. He's happy. It's like he wants this to be happening."
"He might be an idiot but he's not that big of an idiot. He wouldn't try to do this on purpose or anything," Edward said.
I nodded. "Yeah, I know. But I'm not ready to plan for this kind of future yet. I need to take my life one step at a time right now, and even that is a challenge. I don't need another thing to worry about. I don't need him to celebrate knocking me up"
Edward put his hand on my knee and turned to me with a serious look in his eye. "I don't want this to sound the wrong way but are you even sure that it's Jacob's?" he asked softly and quickly looked away.
I didn't know I could freak out even more but I did. "Oh my God! We had sex! I was so high I forgot. Holy shit!"
"What? No. We didn't. We thought about it. But we didn't. I wouldn't take advantage of you like that. But someone else did." I hung my head in shame and I was crying again. "Did you use a condom? Please tell me you used a condom."
I shook my head and wiped my face with my shirt, trying to clean away the tears. "I don't know," my voice cracked. "I was so high I don't really remember any of it. What did I do?" Edward pulled me in for a hug as I sobbed on his shoulder.
"Did you at least use a clean needle?" he asked trying to keep his voice calm for my benefit. But I could tell there were so many emotions boiling in him. I shrugged and cried harder. "You know that being pregnant isn't even the worst thing that could happen, right?"
I nodded. "I'm sorry. I've been so fucking stupid. I probably deserve this and worse."
"No, we all make mistakes. We just need to learn from them." He let me cry on his shoulder until there were no tears left. "You know Jake isn't the only one that will be here for you. I promised you that I was never leaving you again. I will be by your side through this all." We sat in the quiet for a few long minutes before I broke out into inappropriate laughter. "What's so funny?" he asked, baffled by my amusement.
"For a minute there it was getting to be a bad Jerry Springer episode. Potential baby daddy's creeping up out of the woodwork to accuse the shitty druggie mother who can't keep her legs closed."
"Bella, don't joke about this," Edward chided me. And you made a one time mistake that doesn't make you a drug addict whore."
I shrugged. "I feel like it. Since that day things have been so hard. I want it so bad."
"Want it. But you haven't done it. That counts for a lot more than you'd think. And get your facts straight it's Maury Povich that does the Who's Your Daddy episodes," he teased with a smile on his face.
"Asshole," I said as I pushed him away from me.
"Bitch," he teased pushing me back. He stood and walked into the kitchen and brought me back a tall glass of water. I took it from him but didn't take a drink. I was too nauseous to think about eating or drinking at all. "Drink up, sweetheart. You can't pee on a stick if you can't pee," he reminded me and I groaned. "Bottoms up." I chugged the glass of water and he got me another.
We teased each other and laughed it off for another five minutes. I was feeling better and freaking out less but it was just because Edward was keeping me distracted. Our joking escalated to a tickle fight where I was lying on the couch and he was on top of me relentlessly tickling sides where he knew I was sensitive. "Please, stop," I begged him as I kicked my legs and squirmed beneath him. "I can't laugh any more. I'm going to piss my pants. And it's going to get on you if you don't stop. Where is Jacob? I have never had to pee so bad in my life. Why did you make me drink so much water?" Edward stopped tickling me but didn't move from me. I wiggled my hips, doing a little dance that people always seemed to do when they had to pee. I don't know why moving helps keeps you from peeing yourself but it seems to be a universal thought. "Do you think it will work with old pee? Like if I pee in a cup do you think it will still-"
Edward interrupted me as he closed his eyes and groaned. I continued to do my hold it in dance beneath him. "Jesus, Bella," he groaned. "Stop." He quickly stood from me. I could see the bulge in his pants as he shifted his hips around trying to find some comfort. "I'm sorry. I just can't seem to control myself around you."
"You don't need to apologize," I shrugged. "But I am definitely not in the wood right now." We both laughed. "I do seem to be some kind of a sex magnet or something. This happens way too often around guys." I shrugged it off. "I don't get it. I'm nothing special. I'm rather plain looking. And I'm really a total bitch. I smoke and drink and curse."
Edward shook his head and smiled at me as he sat beside me, bulge still obvious. "I wish you could see yourself the way the rest of the world does." He brushed my hair behind my ear and we shared a moment as we locked eyes with one another. The door slammed shut as Jacob rushed back into the house. Edward and I both blushed as we turned to Jacob who carried three full grocery bags. He always did have horrible timing.
"We send you for one thing and you come back with half the store?" Edward laughed.
Jacob blushed nervously. "I didn't know what I was doing. I've never done this before. I bought one of each kind of test they had," he said throwing one bag at me.
I opened the bag and looked at the five different boxes. At least this way I'd know one way or another. "And the rest?" I asked, my voice was soft and quiet out of fear.
He shrugged. "I figured that we could use some stuff either way it goes." He pulled out a pint of ice cream, chocolate bars, bags of chips and a bunch of assorted other munchies. I was touched by his thoughtfulness but I needed to pee more. I opened the first box and started to read the instructions as I walked towards the bathroom.
"Just pee on a stick," Edward said grabbing another box from the bag. "No need to read it. Just do it."
"No!" I shouted. "A cup! I need to pee in a cup!" I shouted at Edward and pushed him towards the kitchen. "I should have done that before." I started doing my potty dance again. "Hurry up."
"Wait!" Jacob shouted. "Before you do this I have something I want to do."
"No time!" I shouted at Jacob as Edward placed a cup in my hands.
"Bella," he whined. "This is important."
I ignored him and walked into the bathroom. He grabbed my arm and turned me to face him. "Jake, if you don't let me go I seriously might piss my pants."
"Way to ruin the moment," he groaned as he let me go. He followed behind me and I stopped from entering the bathroom. "What? I've seen you naked before."
"You don't need to watch me pee. That's just creepy and weird," I said as I closed the door on him. "What did you need to say?" I shouted through the door. Jacob didn't respond. I moaned loudly as I finally got to relieve myself. It was the longest and most satisfying urination of my life.
I opened the door and Edward handed me all the opened tests. I read each box carefully and followed the directions. I didn't need to mess anything up and end up with the wrong results if that was even possible. But I didn't want to take any chances. I lied them all out on the counter and felt lost. How the fuck were you supposed to wait for results? Can't you just get them instantly?
"What do they say?"
I shrugged. "We'll see in three minutes." Jacob set an alarm on his phone and we all waited in silence. It was the longest three minutes of my life. Jacob's alarm went off and none of us moved for a moment too afraid of what would come next. I finally gathered the courage I needed and stood with a heavy sigh. The answer wasn't going to change if I ignored it. Plus, I really needed to know to ease my worried mind.
"Wait!" Jacob shouted and ran in front of me. "I have to do this before." He dropped down to one knee. I grew weak in the knees and wobbled, Edward raced behind me to keep my on my feet. As if this night could get any worse. Jacob pulled a ring pop out from his back pocket. "It doesn't matter what those tests say. I know in my heart what I want and I want you. Regardless of what happens. I want you to know that I want this. I want you. Will you marry me?" The words rushed from Jacob and he couldn't look me in the eyes until he was done. His smile faded when he saw the look on my face. Edward holding me under my arms was the only reason I was still on my feet.
Edward laughed loudly and he walked me into the bathroom and sat me on the closed toilet seat. "A ring pop? You propose to her with a ring pop?"
Jacob blushed and stood up walked over to me. "It's all they had at the drug store. I figured it was better than nothing. I will buy you an actual ring. I just needed something for now. I couldn't do it empty handed."
"You didn't have to do it at all," I said finally snapping back to reality. "What were you thinking?" I shouted at him. He tried to talk to me but I brushed him off. There was enough stalling going on. I picked up the first test and the panic returned. Two blue lines. Oh shit. "No," I shouted. "This is not happening. No. No. No," I kept chanting as my hands shook and I fumbled to read the rest of the tests. I breathed a sigh of relief when all the others only had one pink line.
"Congratulations?" Edward said but his voice sounded anything but.
"No, that first test is a liar! I read the retard test first. One positive and four negatives. I know i suck at math but I'm going with the bigger number. 1 in 4 those numbers are like..." I trailed off.
"Don't look at me," Edward said. "I failed math."
"So you're not pregnant?" Jacob asked quietly.
"No," I said.
"You're sure that it's not one right and four wrong?" Jacob asked.
"Are we ever really sure of anything? But for right now those odds are good enough for me. See no need to panic and go all ring pop on me."
"That wasn't out of panic. That was genuine. And you never answered."
I looked at him with wide eyes. "You still want an answer? Even though there is no baby?"
"I told you the outcome didn't matter. I still meant every word I said. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I might not want kids now but some day." He smiled and shrugged. "I imagine us getting married and having kids. Why can't we end up with a happily ever after?" Jacob again got down on one knee and pulled the ring pop out again. "So what do you say, Bella? Will you marry me?"
I stood frozen in shock. I smiled nervously and took Jacob's hands in mine. Edward turned away, stalking off. I jumped as the door slammed closed behind Edward. "Don't leave me hanging here, Bella. At least give me an answer," Jacob nervously smiled.
"No," I whispered. I wrapped my hand around his and pushed the ring back at him. "We're not ready."
"Why not?" he argued.
"For starters, it's illegal I'm only seventeen."
"We don't have to get married now. We can wait as long as you want."
I ignored him and continued to list off all the reasons I could think of not to do it. "We are running away in a week and we don't have a place to live. I can't even begin to make a life long commitment like that. We have no money. We have no home. There is no baby. And I don't want there to be one. And though I understand the sentiment but it's a fucking ring pop, you really expect me to slide that on? Getting married is stupid for so many reasons."
Jacob stood and his smile faded. "No, it's fine you're right. Forget about it. Now is not the time. This isn't something we need to rush into. We have the rest of our lives." He walked away and turned on the TV.
I cleaned up the bathroom and sat down as far from Jacob as I could on the couch. I was torn. I didn't want to be alone. But I really didn't want him here either. Jacob had other things on his mind because he scooted closer to me and wrapped his arm around me. I tensed up but allowed it. After a few minutes he rested his head on my shoulder and I could hear in breathe in deeply, doing the creepy thing where he smells my hair. Next, his fingers brushed through my hair. Then his lips were on my neck and I was instantly up on my feet. "Are you seriously trying to have sex with me right now?" I shouted.
He shrugged his shoulders and blushed slightly but he didn't look away or try to deny it. "What better way to celebrate?"
"Your logic sucks. We celebrate by having sex so that maybe this time I do get pregnant?"
"And so what if you do?" he sighed. "I already told you I'd be there for you and a baby. And we've talked about our lives together before. I love you and already want to spend the rest of forever with you. We'll end up married with children anyway."
My rage reached new levels. "We don't talk about our future like that. Other people do. You might. But I do not. And we cannot have kids right now. That is the stupidest thing that you have ever thought about. I can't believe you think that we should have a baby right now."
"I'm not saying we should. But we could. We could do it."
"No, we could not. I could not. We are still just kids ourselves. I can barely take care of myself let alone a child. We have no money. No house. No room for a baby. I'm not ready to give up drinking and smoking and doing whatever drug will take my mind off of all this shit that I have. My dad would be livid and if he didn't kill us, Edward's dad would. How the fuck can we raise a child? Plus how the fuck would we run away? You just want to drag my pregnant ass around so I can give birth in The Ick maybe on the street? Do you even think about these things? I don't even like kids. And I don't want kids."
"Really? You don't want kids?" That's what he got out of my rant.
"Why? So I can fuck up their lives like my mother did to mine?"
"It's not Renee's fault that things got messed up. And you'd be a great mom."
"Renee the reason my life is all fucked up." I sat back down on the couch beside him. "You have no idea. She is the worst example of a mother so I don't exactly have a good model. And most of all I don't want a kid like me. I don't want to deal with a pain in the ass like me. And if by some miracle I have a child that isn't a monster like I am, I can't bring an innocent child into this miserable world." There was a long pause where we awkwardly stared at each other not knowing what else to say. We were both mad and upset at different things and we were totally out of sync with each other. It was just another severed string in our already thin relationship. "It's like you don't even know me at all anymore."
"Fuck, Bella. I just wanted to let you know that I love you no matter what. I'm here for you. I fucking love you. And I'm sorry but this is the only way for me to show you. It's all you understand." He grabbed my face in his sweaty palms and kissed my lips. He held back. It's a light kiss but I can tell that he wanted more. His body was hungry for more. But he held himself back and he released my face and pulled away from me. "That's all I've got. It's all you'll allow me." I can see the tears glistening in his eyes.
"Well, stop!" I shouted at him, not sparing his feelings at all. "I've laid it out for you, I'm not ready for that. I don't want a relationship. You're not getting more from me. And you're not getting anything from me tonight." There was a long pause in our conversation. "I need a break. I don't want to think about this. I have enough shit. I just want your friendship right now. That's all I can handle. When you get horny go ahead and find someone else."
He meets my eye again. "There is no one else." I looked away from him and began to stand but he grabbed my arm and forced me back down into the soft cushions of the couch. "I know you always say that we aren't together like that but I assumed that there was still no one else. Are you...? Is there...? Are there other guys? Do you have other guys? It's not just me?" I pulled away from him and stood, not looking back. "Bella, please," he begged. I can hear in his voice that there are tears. "If those results were different, would that baby have even been mine?"
"I don't know, Jake," I said as I walked across the room. I knew I shouldn't but just because I wasn't in love with him doesn't mean I didn't care, I turned back and I instantly regretted meeting his eyes again. I could see the anger and most of all the hurt that was reflecting in them. "Please get out. I can't do this right now. I just need to be alone for a little while." He didn't move a muscle. I couldn't even see his chest move to take a breath. "Get out!" I shouted at him losing my patience. "Now! Get the fuck out!" I reached out and throw a pillow at him. That broke him from his trance and he walked away without another word slamming the door behind him.
