Dean heard the door to the base open and he was out of his chair before it closed. He looked up as he threw his jacket on and Sam smiled.
"Hey, where are you going?" Sam ran down the stairs.
"Dude, I need to talk to you." Dean whispered and pushed him back the way he had just came.
"What?" Sam tried to stop Dean pushing him. "Why can't we-"
"Shut up!" Dean whispered harshly and looked over his shoulder towards the corridor.
Sam widened his eyes and almost asked why. "Wh-"
"Just shut up." Dean whispered back.
"Well," Sam was whispering now, "why are we leaving?"
"Because I need to talk to you!"
The boys began whisper bickering.
"-I know that Dean-"
"-why are you asking-"
"-but why can't we talk here-"
"-will you just get out-"
"Everything alright?" Cas appeared in the doorway. "Sam, you're back." He smiled stirring his drink.
Sam and Dean turned smiling as if nothing was going on. "Hey Cas, yeah."
"Did you take care of that demon then?" He walked towards the table.
"Yeah." Cas smiled. "How's your back?" Sam looked to Dean. "Did you guys manage to work it out?"
Dean glared at Sam and Cas knew he was asking something else.
"Well, I-" Dean began a little bashful.
"My back's fine thanks." Dean turned as Cas sat down and then looked up smiling again. "I'm lucky I have friends who have so many skills." He looked down at the book in front of him and didn't see Dean's smile fall.
"We're just going to head out." Dean pointed and pushed Sam a little. "Get some things and grab a beer."
Cas nodded again. "Fine."
"Catch up." Dean added. "Do you need anything?" Cas shook his head. "Alright." Sam mouthed at him in question, pointing to Cas, and Dean shook his head mouthing a threat back and pushed him towards the stairs again.
Sam reluctantly went after a sigh of defeat and let Dean rush him out of the base. The door closed and Cas looked up. The space would be good for him to get himself together. Right?
"Now, will you tell me?"
Dean opened the door to the Impala. "Yeah, just get in, jackass."
"Oh, so we're actually going for supplies and a beer?" Sam ran around the car. Dean raised his eyebrow at him as he lowered himself into the car and slammed the door. "Cool."
They took off down the road. "You have to stop, Sam." Sam looked to Dean who seemed a little tired. "You have to stop with the asking about Cas and me." Sam sighed and looked forward. "I'm serious, Sam." Dean looked at him.
"Why?" Sam looked. "You said yourself there's something more there."
"Sam..." Dean looked back to the road and shook his head.
"What happened?" Sam raised his eyebrows as Dean glanced at him. "Tell me. Give me one good reason," Sam pointed, "one good, true reason and I'll stop."
Dean looked and then sighed. "After we spoke last night, I thought about what you said." Sam looked to the side confused. "About how Cas is always there for us no matter what he's going through." Dean sighed. "Cas has been sleeping in my bed for a few nights because..." He swallowed. "Well, it doesn't matter why but it's not why you think."
"Dean, please."
Dean looked at Sam's expression. He was worried and pleading Dean to tell him. To open up. But what Dean really noticed was how tired he looked. And then he saw something else. Pleading, not just that Dean would open up, but that Dean understood what Sam was going through. It wasn't on the surface because they weren't talking about that but Dean almost sensed it sitting in the background, behind one of those worried crinkles that were fatigued, Dean saw Sam's need for the brother who comforts him in the night to not just be there but understand, even a little. Dean looked back to the road.
"You're not the only one who still dreams..." He paused.
"About Hell?" Sam almost whispered.
Dean slowly nodded. "Yeah."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Sam didn't whine it, he didn't shout it. He almost choked on it.
Dean turned to look and all he saw was guilt. "Hey." Sam looked and Dean glanced between him and the road. "Don't you do that. Don't go thinking I didn't tell you because you came to me about your dreams."
"Well, if not that, why? And why did you go to Cas?"
"I didn't go to Cas." Dean glared at Sam. "I didn't plan on telling anyone. Hell is a time that confuses me." He tightened his hands on the wheel. "I told you I enjoyed it and I won't take that back. When I'm dreaming about it, I don't feel scared, I don't feel guilt." He turned the car onto a main road. "Cas popped in to check one night and saw me sweating and mumbling in my sleep. I don't tell him exactly what I dream and he doesn't ask."
"If you're not scared why are you sweating and mumbling?" Sam ran a hand through his hair.
"Because I'm not scared." Sam lowered his brow looking at Dean. "I'm terrified when I wake up, I can hear my heart pounding in my ears and I'm covered in sweat because I dream, Sam. I don't have nightmares about my time there, I dream. I enjoyed my time there and I enjoy remembering it."
Sam nodded looking back to the road. "Okay." He exhaled and Dean looked. "I get that, Dean. It doesn't make you a bad person for craving being in control, craving being the one giving out pain instead of taking it." Dean glanced. "It's like self-harm." Dean was listening intently. "It might not be healthy and it's screwed up to people who don't understand it but it's control. It's about deciding when you feel pain, just how much and being able to stop it." Dean looked at Sam, he seemed to go a little solemn. "There is nothing wrong with needing to take the wheel, Dean."
"Sam?" Sam looked up. "Have you ever...?"
Sam shook his head without surprise. "No. I have thought about it though."
There was a little silence.
"In all honestly, hunting and all the things you do is self-harm, Dean." He gestured with his hands. "You constantly sacrifice yourself for me. You drink so much that you can't even get drunk like a normal person any more. You jump into bed with random women knowing that you can never really have a normal relationship and life." Dean tilted his head. "And the fact that you've even admitted to Cas that you needed a little support, even if it was just knowing that someone was there to bring you out of it if it got too much?" Dean glanced over. "That's probably the first thing you've done since Lisa that isn't destructive."
.
They didn't say anything more about it until they pulled away from the gas n sip.
"So that's why Cas has been sleeping in your bed?" Sam asked cautiously.
"Yeah." Dean croaked a little. He was embarrassed admitting it.
"You didn't finish what you were saying earlier, after you said that."
Dean thought back to his original point. "Well last night, last night I was alone."
"Why?"
"Because I heard Cas talking to Crowley and saying that us falling asleep on your floor together was nothing. I mean of course it was nothing but..." Dean sighed. "He said that it was nothing because it was me."
"What do you mean?" Dean didn't answer. "As in-"
"As in he said 'I mean, it's Dean' like that." Sam sighed. "I always thought that Cas hardly even noticed people in general, never mind like that. But it was just me." They pulled into a bar parking lot and climbed out. "Anyway, after we spoke I thought about how I'm making this all about me. He cried, Sam."
"When?" Sam opened the door to the bar and they walked in.
"That night after the angels fell, he couldn't stop crying."
"Is that why you slept like that?" Sam looked apologetic as he asked while they stood at the bar.
"Yeah, I held him to my chest and he sobbed for a long time, Sammy. So I thought, maybe he's not the only one who needs a little support. I heard him praying, he was saying how-" Dean stopped talking when the barman walked over. "Hey, two beers." The barman nodded and Dean didn't talk again until they had their drinks and the barman walked away. "He heard me on the phone to you, Sam, that morning, he heard what I said."
Sam's eyes widened a little. "About it being one-sided?"
"Yeah. He basically admitted that," he paused, "that it wasn't."
Sam rushed himself to swallow. "He likes you too?"
"Yeah." Dean scrunched up his face. "No. I mean he said I think it's one sided, that I blame myself but come on Sammy, I don't like him." Sam raised his eyebrows and gave Dean a doubtful look. "I mean I do but not like that, I mean-" He sighed and rubbed his face with his free left hand. "I don't know what I mean." He turned to Sam, thinking about it. "When I said I heard him..."
"Yeah, what did that mean, was that then?"
"No." Dean shook his head a little embarrassed. "I heard him shout on me so I went to see what he wanted. He was in the shower."
"Why would he shout on you while he was in the-" Dean's expression didn't change and his eyes moved to Sam's. "No!" Sam's head, as well as his voice, lowered a little in shock. "He was-"
"Yep."
"Are you su-"
"Yep."
"And he called your-"
"Yep."
Dean and Sam fell silent.
"Now did you actually see him-"
"No!" Dean shifted and leaned back a little.
"So how do you know he-"
"I saw... stuff." Sam's eyes widened. "And he admitted it anyway." Sam pointed to him as if about to ask. "No, not to me. In his prayer." Sam nodded. "He said that he felt like a bad person because he was supposed to be my friend. Both of our friends." Dean leaned to Sam. "He said both of ours. But he feels like by thinking these things he's betraying me. How crazy is that?"
"Dean," Dean looked at Sam, "you said the same thing to me on the phone. You said you felt like a douche because he was your friend and he was there for your help, basically."
Dean seemed to remember. "Yeah, well I do and he is. And it doesn't matter anyway because he asked for forgiveness and time."
"For what?"
Dean moved the beer closer to his mouth. "To get over his feelings." He took a swig. "To be my friend again."
Sam sighed and took his own drink.
.
Cas lay in his bed and tossed and turned. He couldn't sleep. He was halfway between worrying about Dean and Sam and how he was going to solve this fallen angel, locked heaven mess. His mind was in overdrive. Sam seemed to be recovering well, he had even took a demon down. They were nowhere closer to figuring out how to open Heaven again and there was Abbadon and Crowley to deal with. Crowley was vermin but in this case he seemed like the lesser of two evils. Or at least he seemed more about numbers than about being a demon for the sake of it. Crossroads demon to the end, it seems.
