Chapter 12
It is strange how differently time passes once you have a child, how suddenly she becomes the star around which your world revolves. Once, Sasha had measured the weeks and months by training sessions and kaiju kills. Nowadays the rhythm has shifted, and what she remembers best are the small achievements that mark her daughter's growth. Dasha's first smile, bestowed in the soft gray light of a rainy morning; Dasha's first bubbly laugh, which Sasha and Aleksis spend the evening coaxing from her again and again because they've never heard such a wonderful sound. They immortalize those moments not only in countless photographs and videos, but also between them in the Drift.
There's no doubt in Sasha's heart that her daughter is a blessing, but she does not anticipate the other gifts that grow out of their life together. Seeing Aleksis with their baby each day is one of Sasha's greatest joys; there is no sight more peaceful than that of her big bear of a husband with their child curled up against his massive chest, her head tucked into the hollow of his shoulder, as he reads to her from a storybook until she falls asleep.
In motherhood, Sasha discovers within herself a selflessness that she has never known. Dasha is surrounded by those who love her, and Sasha has sworn that her daughter will never want for anything. As the girl grows, there's a part of Sasha that can't help but wait for some kernel of bitterness, some shade of resentment to unveil itself, as she bestows upon her daughter the childhood that she herself never had. And it's not as if she's always walking around in a state of bliss because raising a child isn't easy – far from it, especially when their baby is crying and she doesn't know why and just feels so helpless. But she could never have imagined that it would be so natural to love the little stranger that has come into their lives. How could it be so easy?
When he sees her thinking these thoughts, Aleksis simply pulls her close and presses a whiskery kiss to her forehead. "You're her mother," he says, as if that is the whole explanation. And perhaps it is.
The seasons turn; time passes. Dasha blooms before their eyes. Her baby babble turns into her first words, which evolve into childish sentences filled with charming nonsense, and finally into constant questioning as she begins to make sense of the world around her. Their daughter does turn out to be terrified of storms – an almost idiosyncratic quirk in a generally happy child – and they cannot help but wonder if it is a coincidence.
One thing that Sasha had never anticipated about parenthood was how much she would have to talk. There is often no need for words with Aleksis; he knows her mind as well as his own. But with a child, it is completely different. At two, Dasha is relentlessly curious and highly sensitive to her parents' moods, especially her mother's. Between simplified explanations of everyday phenomena like rainbows, cars, and elevators, and the praise or admonition she bestows by simply telling her daughter how she feels – "Mama is proud of you, malishka" or the tear-inducing "Mama is very disappointed" – Sasha feels as if she talks more than she has in years.
With her mother an orphan and her father's family deceased, Dasha has no grandparents, but nevertheless she does not lack for people eager to spoil her. Every day, the Kaidonovskys bring their daughter with them to the Shatterdome, where they've set up a simple version of their home nursery within their office, with plentiful radiation shielding. There, with Misha and Bella sprawled on the floor by her playpen - two furry and attentive guardians - Dasha holds court and receives the adoration of the numerous aunts and uncles who come to see her. In particular, Mako can't stay away, visiting the baby almost daily, and Dasha returns the affection by being supremely well-behaved at her and Raleigh's wedding a few months later.
When Dasha is three, she gains a brother. The second time turns out to be far easier than the first, although Sasha is no less relieved when the ordeal is finally over. Afterwards, she cradles the pink-faced infant as Dasha, now a big sister, is brought into the room. The little girl squeezes her mother tightly – Sasha winces a little at the protest of her sore body but returns the embrace – and amidst Dasha's ensuing monologue about how much she's missed her mama and what she did at Mako-san's house that day, they are interrupted by the new baby's indignant wail.
Attention diverted, Sasha starts humming softly and rocking the boy to hush him. Dasha scowls fiercely at being seemingly forgotten and turns to bury her face in Aleksis' shirt, her small arms clutching at her father's neck. "He's so loud," she complains.
Aleksis laughs. "He's a baby, malishka," he answers. "You cried too, when you were that small."
Dasha shakes her head stoutly. "No," she insists. "I was much better. And now I'm three, and I don't cry at all."
The last is certainly untrue, but Sasha can't help but reflect later on how different the experience is this time around. The most important part is the same: Sasha takes one look at the scrunched face of their little boy – naturally honey-haired like herself, and already showing the promise of inheriting Aleksis' strong features – and falls completely and irrationally in love. But from there, Nikolai – called Kolya – is the polar opposite of his sister as a baby. He's so loud and colicky at first that Sasha sometimes wants to cry along with him because she simply doesn't know what else to do. Many months later he's turned into a grinning, shrieking toddler with more energy than even Misha had as a puppy. Sasha and Aleksis joke in public that Kolya is why they've decided to stop at two children, because with him they certainly could not handle another. In reality, the combination of their situation and their age has made any more a virtual impossibility.
But now, surrounded by her family, Sasha cannot feel like anything but the luckiest woman in the world. She looks at Aleksis and he's watching her. There's a world of love in his eyes, and she knows that he is thinking the same.
In life there are sunsets of many kinds, and nearly all of them are bittersweet. This one is no exception. It is Herc's retirement as Marshal, and everyone gathers at the Kaidonovsky home to give him a warm sendoff. When Aleksis and Sasha had discovered that Kolya was on the way, they had decided that they needed more space - mostly because Sasha hadn't had the heart to sacrifice Aleksis' beloved library for another bedroom. So they'd finally moved from their first apartment into a spacious four-bedroom condo – perfect for their family, and for the friends that gather there now.
With young children in attendance, the celebration has the noisy and chaotic feel of a family reunion. Raleigh and Mako have brought their first child, a dark-haired son who is on the verge of crawling. As Mako arranges platters of artfully crafted foods in the kitchen, Raleigh watches over the boy. He's been named as Herc's successor, but here he is merely an adoring father, having long since shed the awkwardness he'd once exhibited around the topic of children. Sasha can see the amused affection in his eyes as the energetic infant scoots around on the carpet towards a stuffed animal lying a few tantalizing feet away. "He's going to be a handful when he begins crawling," Raleigh mutters to Sasha, who nods in understanding.
"Get a herding dog," she advises. Indeed, Bella often has her hands full these days managing both Dasha and Kolya, the latter of whom is only a couple months older than the Becket boy, but who has mastered crawling. Even now, Bella lies on the edge of the carpet, keeping close watch on the squirming infant and blocking the door with her long body. Misha tends to simply follow the children around, an eager playmate but a somewhat ineffective babysitter.
Sasha's children are with their father, who is greeting Jin at the door. Dasha is giggling as she helps unload the smaller boxes from her Uncle Jin's lap. As usual Jin's arrived bearing tacky decorations and strange presents: white cardboard doggy bones to hang from the ceiling ("I thought we were celebrating Herc, not Max," Mako comments later, confused), Striker Eureka action figures (claimed immediately by Dasha), jars of Vegemite (Sasha shudders), and dog treats. There's a softer voice and it's Anna, standing behind Jin's wheelchair.
The courtship between them has moved unbelievably slowly by Sasha's standards, as if each is a little afraid of the precious thing they now hold between them, and is afraid to shatter it by moving forward. Jin has confessed to Sasha once the strangeness of going from being one of a trinity to one of a pair. It has not been easy on Anna either; there had been considerable backlash not so much due to her age, but simply because her family had been scavengers. A shy girl unused to public scrutiny, she'd been hurt by the numerous editorials decrying the relationship, talking about how wrong it was that China's sole surviving hero was now attached to a woman whose kin had profited from selling the bones and organs of the very monsters that had maimed him. The winner of Jin's old dating show had even released a rather catty video giving her opinion about it – a video which had immediately gone viral.
"That dating show might have been the worst decision I've ever made," Jin admits.
But all things passed with time – except their continuing attachment to each other, and with the support of others they had endured. Now Anna grins up at Aleksis and bends down to return Dasha's enthusiastic hug. When she sees Sasha her face lights up, and with a soft word to Jin she comes forward to join Sasha in the living room, asking how she can help with the preparations. The young woman has come a long way from the wide-eyed, pig-tailed teen that Sasha had met that day; she's petite and composed, with an inner grace that reminds Sasha of Mako – but unhampered by the same depth of personal loss. Anna had grown up collecting stuffed kaiju toys and idolizing the pilots at the heart of the Jaegers which had shaped the landscape of her childhood. But the gritty reality of her family's work has inured her to hardship, and has given her a steely thread of strength and a core of integrity. Jin's disability gives her no pause whatsoever.
Jin couldn't have chosen much better, Sasha thinks.
There is a familiar ruckus coming from the hallway and Misha suddenly darts forward, plowing past them. Bella circles and whines, torn between following and staying beside her charge. Raleigh takes pity on her, lifting his son into his lap, and the shepherd pants in gratitude before leaving to join the others. Moments later the two dogs return with Max, who is wheezing a little, but who nevertheless greets everyone in the room energetically.
Sasha waves to Herc as he comes in, laughing at the cardboard bones hanging from the ceiling. He's a little thinner now, a little grayer – but she likes to think that perhaps the kinship of their little group has brought some contentment back into the old Marshal's life. It's an early retirement by normal standards, and Herc is nothing but normal, but neither is the strain upon his health – mental and physical – from dozens of years of Jaeger piloting and then in leadership of the revitalized PPDC. Under his leadership, it's grown and flourished beyond anything they could have imagined. Marshal Pentecost would have been proud.
There are speeches and toasts – most of them greeted with laughter and a few with fond sighs – and there is food and drink and gossip, as always. The laughs and shrieks and occasional cries of the children are heard amongst the din, until it is time for them to go to bed. Amidst half-hearted protests that she isn't sleepy at all – punctuated by some telling yawns – Dasha is tucked into bed and kissed by her mother and father. Kolya has long since dozed off, and already lies in his crib, dreaming peacefully.
Herc waits for Sasha and Aleksis to emerge from Dasha's room, greeting them with a smile. "It's nice when they're little. They think you're everything." His eyes close momentarily as he calls upon some memory. Max nudges his head against Herc's knee and the old Ranger bends down slowly to stroke the bulldog's ears. "And then one day, you turn around and that little kid's looking at you like you're a person, not just a parent. And then you look at yourself, and you realize that while they've grown up, you've grown old."
Not long ago, in a world filled with monsters, growing old had seemed like a privilege – one that would be barred from Sasha and her husband, and perhaps all the world. Nowadays it is a slow and dawning reality for them all. She knows that she should be grateful whether they have six years or sixty, but with luck she and Aleksis would have the joy of spending their lives together with their family. But Herc has been alone, having been held up by the pillar of his duty, and now it is their turn to keep him standing tall as he moves onward. Even Max is slowing down a little these days, and there's the sad inevitability that it won't be long before this last link to Herc's lost son's life is gone. So in the days and years that pass, Sasha lets Herc spend as much time with her children as he wants, and the ex-Marshal turns out – by his own words – to be a better uncle than he'd ever been a father.
It's not the same, but it's better than nothing. And it makes a difference.
For Dasha, hers is a childhood full of stories.
From the first weeks of her life, before she can even understand words, her father sits with her – a tiny bundle nestled in his large arms – and together they peruse the numerous picture books collected upon the shelves of their home library. At that age she knows nothing but the unique and familiar rumble of his voice. Later she learns that there is magic in the pages. Her favorite story is Gulliver's Travels; each night she goes to sleep laughing at the images her father paints for her, of tiny men, giants, and talking horses.
As she grows from toddlerhood to childhood she becomes aware of a different kind of story, one that permeates her life. Whether it's from the grizzled old engineers in the Shatterdome or from the articles in magazines, she discovers that her parents are heroes. In fact she finds herself surrounded by legends – her uncles and aunts, too, are part of a narrative that seems larger than life – but she's always most enthralled by the images that she sees of the Lieutenants Kaidonovsky, looking fierce and untouchable in their shining drivesuits, piloting the colossal Cherno Alpha and battling monsters in the sea. Soon, with the ease of childish appropriation, they become her idols as well - even more so than they already are. Under their bemused watch, Dasha fights imaginary monsters in the yard. When Kolya is big enough to play, she declares that he must be the kaiju, always; her brother sometimes protests the unfairness of it all, but the truth is he makes a terrible Cherno Alpha because Dasha is bigger – at least for now.
She grows older still, and discovers the darker side to their story. Beneath her Papa's beard is an uneven pattern of scars; her Mama sports similar marks on her chin, although they have faded with time. There's a matching pattern of uneven marks down the sides of each their shoulders, and one of her father's legs is covered in strange, gnarled, mottled flesh.
There are manifold scars beyond just the physical ones. A fire alarm sounds and Papa freezes, before a whispered word from Mama has him sagging in remembered relief. On vacation they take Dasha to an Atlantic beach to play but refuse to let her swim in the water, much to her frustration. One day a strange man appears from a van and approaches Dasha and Kolya in their schoolyard, trying to coax them away with candy and promises. At that time Kolya is a trusting and vivacious five-year-old; he cries when Dasha won't let him go. Dasha instead grabs his hand and runs as fast as she can, and the next thing she knows there's a Chinese man that appears out of nowhere to tackle the intruder. When the job is done he winks at her, and she relaxes because he's one of Uncle Jin's friends, but the reaction of her parents later is one that she won't ever forget. She's never ever seen Mama look so scared and angry before.
Finally, when she is old enough, she goes to Russia. She visits the monuments and museums, and then she turns her back on these things to retrace the footsteps that her parents have walked. There's an alleyway where her Mama might have hidden as a girl; there's an old farmhouse to which her Papa might have stolen away at night with a lamp and book. In Alaska the old Jaeger Academy grounds have long since been appropriated for industrial use, but after the closing of the Breach the company had restored a portion, hoping to draw tourists. Amongst a rowdy crowd of schoolchildren in hats and parkas, Dasha stands in the Kwoon where her parents once brawled, eats in the mess hall where they'd once dined, and wonders what it was like for them to fall in love here.
There's a story beyond all of this: the story of Aleksandra and Aleksis, two lonely individuals chosen to bear the weight of a planet under siege, and drawn to each other in a world where hope dimmed with every passing day. And when she comes home to them, her brave Mama and her Papa Mountain, she's clutching pages full of notes, and her mind is full of questions. They laugh together over dinner and they give her their answers – and their blessing to finally tell that story.
One day, she will.
Author's Notes
In mere moments of mostly silent screen time, the Kaidonovskys completely captured my heart. It was clear that this was a couple with a compelling story to tell, and it was so difficult to accept that they would be denied a future together, and so 'To Live' was written.
Mia (tumblr: explodinghye) composed an incredible work of art in celebration of this story. Please see the link in my profile for the link to admire it and her other amazing work.
Thank you to Travis Beacham and Guillermo del Toro for envisioning such a rich world and such unforgettable characters. Thank you to Heather Doerksen and Robert Maillet for bringing the Kaidonovskys to life - and for being so kind and responsive to your many fans.
Most of all, thank you for all those who have read and followed and reviewed this story. This is the first multi-chapter work I've ever finished, and all your support has been crucial in ensuring that I saw this through. I treasure each and every one of you - you mean more to me than you'll ever know.
Love,
jambajunkie
