Disclaimer: Do I really need one? Everybody knows I don't own twilight.
Chapter 12
I am sure now
Five signals. Five endless signals. Couldn't she answer soon? Maybe the wait was less than a minute, but it was enough to get me anxious. Pick up, pick up, pick up! Now! I caught myself biting down on my lip so hard that I could feel the rusty taste of blood in my mouth. Ugh.
What time was it? Eleven? What time was it in Paris? Morning? Would she be awake? What if I would wake her? Would she be mad?
The minute Mike had dropped me off outside my house; I had run for the phone. Charlie had been baffled by my hurry, and he failed in his attempt of trying to find out any news of how Mike and my date had gone. I quickly silenced him by saying I needed to make a phone call. And even though I would have had a chance to tell him about the date, it was not a chance that I would tell him more than necessary. Definitely not about the fact that Mike had vandalized the cafeteria, nor about his vicious garlic breath. The only person I would tell it to would be Alice, maybe Jacob.
"Allô," she answered groggily. Her voice witnessed of that she had recently woken up. Yet, her familiar voice told me that everything would work out.
"Alice!" I said quickly. "Alice, it's me!"
"Bella? 'Ello! What are you… What time is it? Is it Friday in Forks? Oh Bella! Wait… Are you about to go on ze date, or have you just come 'ome?" Alice and I e-mailed frequently, this explaining why she knew about the date. Though this time, I didn't want to tell her over an e-mail. I needed to speak with her, hear her voice.
"Alice!" I repeated, and the thought of that I couldn't share the date with her face to face made the tears dangerously close to fall over. I missed her terribly. Not in the same way as I had missed Edward, this was different. I missed her company, I missed feeling needed, loved. I missed being a part of a constant friendship. And I missed her angelic laugh, her bounciness and her joy. Alice was almost like Jacob when it came to being happy.
Of course, she had the ability to irritate the shit out of me sometimes. But I saw past that, to those moments where we had rolled on the floor in laughter, giggled at a silly comment of Jasper's, or studied in silence on her soft bed.
"Are you nervous, Bella? Don't worry. It will work out. Remember it is for Edward. And doesn't zis Mike like you? Won't it make it easier you zink? I'm sure it won't be as bad as you zink. And I am sure Edward is crazy of jealousy now. Wouldn't you be? Or aren't you? You've told me when he looks at…"
I needed to cut her off here. "Alice, the-the date is over," I stuttered. "I'm home. Mike is gone."
The other line was quiet. The silence lasted for three seconds. I counted.
"ZEN TELL ME EVERYZING, BELLA!" she yelled, and her sudden high voice scared me a bit. Who would have thought little Alice was capable of such screaming?
And so I told her, everything. From what Edward had told me before Jessica had kidnapped me, how the cafeteria had been ruined, how shrewd Mike had been in school, how Jess suddenly wanted to be friends with me again, and how Mike had admitted that he had been the one to vandalize the cafeteria.
I didn't know what I expected from Alice. All I knew was that I needed to tell someone, someone I knew couldn't make it worse by telling ears that shouldn't know. If Edward would have been the one I turned to, I was a hundred per cent sure that he would want to tell the principal, or even worse, Charlie. It was just the way he was. He wouldn't be able to keep quiet about it. Edward was… protective? I didn't know what word to put on it.
Jacob would probably react the same. He would tell people, I knew he would. Maybe not his friends from the reservation, maybe not students in Forks High School, but he would tell Billy, who would tell Charlie.
What would Charlie do if he knew I had been on a date with the one who'd vandalized the cafeteria? Mike Newton was a good guy in his eyes, would he believe that Mike was the guilty one? I had to admit that Mike's looks had fooled me. He looked like… a nice, kind, good, boy. Not the person I would like to have as a friend, but a person you could chat politely with before Spanish class began. Charlie had high thoughts of him, something he shared with others.
Alice was quite a big mouth, of course. But who could she tell that would care? She was more than an ocean away, why would someone living in Paris bother on what was going on in a small town in the continental US? No one would bother.
Alice didn't interrupt me while I told her everything, and she was still quiet when I the story was finished. Another silence, seven seconds this time.
"Merde," she finally whispered. "Are you sure? Cent pour cent?"
"I'm sure," I said, and noticed how my voice shook. Alice noticed.
"Are you alright, Bella?"
"I'm fine," I lied. "Just confused." And scared to death, shocked, betrayed, upset because the frigging date was for frigging nothing. Screw Mike.
"I understand that." She paused to laugh quietly. "I guess my plan is off the 'ook now, right?"
I laughed to. "I guess so…"
"I'm sorry, Bella," she said with a sigh. "Zis is my fault. I shouldn't 'ave told you to go on a date to get Edward jealous."
I fingered with the bracelet tied around my wrist. "It's not your fault Al," I mumbled. "Shouldn't have gone out with Mike in the first place. He's always been sorta psycho."
"What are we going to do now, zen?" she wondered. I had no answer to her question. I wanted to have the answer done and clear as crystal in my head, but I hadn't.
I sighed. "I don't know. I'm definitely not going to tell, Edward." Because I wasn't. What would he think? Would he… freak out? Was he protective of me? Was he my big brother in a way? I didn't have any other siblings, no older role model to defend me. Did Edward think of himself as one? Maybe he did. When I thought of it, he'd always been a bit protective of me, especially in Junior High. Always had he been the one to tell Lauren Hannigan to shut the fuck up when she criticized the food in my braces, or the zit that was covering most of my forehead. And I had always been so grateful to him that I could cry whenever she snorted and walked away. A bitch she was, a real bitch. Without her, my education in school would have been without obstacles. Peaceful and happy. She was the reason to why I usually ditched first period to cry in the girls' restroom.
"No, don't tell Edward," Alice agreed. "Maybe you should tell 'im zat everyzing went well, so 'e can be jealous."
"That's not a bad idea, Al." It was. I doubted that Mike would tell anyone how catastrophic our date had been, and neither would I. If I told Edward that everything had went well, Mike was kind, the movie was good, he had even asked if we could go out again… Surely, he would be jealous – if he liked me of course.
The only flaw in the plan was, of course, that I was a bad liar, a very, very bad one. What would I do if Edward saw through me? What would I say? I couldn't imagine having to explain everything to him – I would die of embarrassment. I needed to convince myself that I could let him believe that Mike was a great date, boyfriend material even. It would hurt, to not be able to tell him how I despised Mike and only wanted him, but I had to do it. In the end it would be worth it. Edward would be worth it.
Stupid, stupid, Sheila. Why did Edward have to love her? Why did she have to excel me in every way, from every angle? I could not compete with her.
"I should definitely do that," I continued to muse, thinking it through in my head an extra time. "Alice, that's great!" The plan would work, even though the date itself was the worst in Forks.
"I know," she bragged. "You should speak of more boy trouble wiz me Bella, I am better at it zan you give me credit for."
I laughed. "Maybe you're right." There was a distant sound of a ringing doorbell in the background.
"Oh, Bella zat is Jasper."
"Oh," I mumbled, disappointed to find out that the precious time of hearing her voice was up. God what I missed her. Couldn't she come to visit me soon?
"I'll call you later," she said to make me feel better, having heard the sadness in my voice.
"It's fine, Al. You go open for Jasper. Say hello from me."
"I will," she promised. "Goodbye, Bella, I miss you."
"I miss you, too."
And then it was quiet.
Alice was right. As always, she was right. It didn't matter if the date had turned disastrous, what mattered was the things Edward would hear. I needed to tell him that the date was more than great, only then would he be jealous. If there were any chance he would ever be jealous on a date of mine, of course. I knew that the chances of him liking someone like me were minimal, but yet I wanted to try. Now, that he was engaged to someone else, I had to fight for him.
I was selfish. I was mean. I was very aware of that. If Edward liked me, and would choose me over Sheila – which's probability was smaller than me dying my hair blue and letting my toenails grow out – she would be hurt. Of course she would be hurt. She loved him. They were engaged. Sheila was the bride-to-be of Edward's.
Yet, Sheila was not Edward's type. She was too perfect. She would suit with a wealthy politician with glistening teeth and polished shoes. Not Edward. Not playful, childish, and sometimes foolish, Edward. Edward was supposed to be with me. I knew he was. We were best friends, and that was a lot. The step on the ladder that was situated under the term "fiancée".
I wasn't stupid. I knew that Edward liked me a lot as a friend; otherwise he wouldn't have bothered to put up with me all these years. He had to see something in me, under the ugly face and weird shaped mouth. He needed to like my insides. Of course not as she liked Sheila of course, in a very different way, but very clear.
And then it suddenly dawned for me. Everything. All details that I had been collecting for so long fell into place. It was like a jigsaw puzzle that I had finally managed to put together. The picture was clear and legible. I was sure now. So sure, that I would jump off a cliff for it, eat rat poison. It was clear now. That I would never want anyone but Edward. Ever. He would always the one I would want. I couldn't picture him with anyone else in the future. He was the one.
This thought made me feel terrified and thrilled at the same time. Terrified, for now I knew that my future was ruined, if Edward married Sheila. Then it would be set in stone, that I would die as a 90-year old spinster, with 4 one-eyed cats as only company, living in a cottage in Alaska, fishing my food until the day I died. Edward and Sheila would be too busy with taking care of their four children to visit. Left would be me, having lost all contact with the people I once called close friends.
And I was thrilled, because now there was no way around it. I couldn't outrun the fact that I loved Edward. Yes, I loved him, and I had always done so, loved him with all my heart. It would always belong to him. Even though he didn't know, it was his, and only his. How could I handle not telling him now? Everything? To tell him that he should screw Sheila and her stupid book, and choose me. Me, Bella Swan, his always best friend. I would never let him down, I wouldn't let myself do such a thing.
But how could I be so self-centered that I thought nothing of Sheila? What would she do if she knew? I was sure she didn't expect something now, I had been extra careful to hide my emotions for Edward when I met her. But it was only a matter of time before she would start suspecting things. And if she would tell Edward how he felt, then of course he would sacrifice our friendship for her. He loved her. Just like I loved him.
Maybe thinking of Sheila was silly. I knew that the odds of Edward wanting me were against me. But I couldn't give up hope. Deep down, I still wished that there were a possibility that it would all work out, somehow. That he would want me, Sheila wouldn't mind, the wedding would be canceled… I wanted it so badly, so badly I wanted it.
But the chances were so small, so tiny, so minimal. If they even existed.
The thought of that Edward would spend the rest of his life with Sheila was excruciating. It was so difficult to hold the tears back now. Sheila was going to get everything I would ever want. She would marryEdward. She would be with him forever. It was exactly the dream I had hoped to come true for so long. She knew he loved her; she had a confirmation that he would do everything for her – she knew it. And I, me, Bella Swan, who were desperately in love with her fiancé, dating only rebels like garlic-smelling Mike Newton.
I angrily forced myself to push all the emotions into the back of my head. But I had nothing to distract my mind with except for Edward's smile, his face, his eyes… He was everywhere! In my every single thought! And how much I even tried, he would stay there.
What if I was being a lot more selfish than I thought? Suddenly it struck me. Edward was happy with her. He had to be. I knew he was. He was happy, and he knew that he would always be happy with her. Wasn't that the only thing I was supposed to care about? His happiness? I should be happy for him. Happy, because he would have a happy life with her. A smile would always be on his face every morning when he would wake up, with her at his side.
A clawing pain scratched my insides as I pictured them together at the altar. It was inescapable, the "I do" got closer for every day – there was nothing I could do about that.
Why didn't I just give up? It was obvious that their engagement was real. They wanted each other, forever. Did I really want to be the one to break that?
The answer was not the one I thought it was. Yes, I was willing to break that. To get Edward, I would. I would because I needed him. I needed him more than I needed anyone else. More than I needed Alice, Jacob, Charlie, Renée… Edward was the one. He would always be. I loved him. I would always love him. I knew that now.
If Sheila had been someone else, someone I loved, someone I was close to, I wouldn't have considered taking Edward away from her. But I didn't know her, I had met her once, she was simply an acquaintance. I knew it would be a cakewalk for her to get another man to love her. She was talented, happy, beautiful… If I could get Edward to realize he wanted me instead, I didn't mind if she would get hurt.
I felt awful after thinking so, but I knew that it was true. A selfish, self-centered, Bella had suddenly replaced the shy, ironic, one. What choice did I have, if I knew no one could make me happy but him? I couldn't see myself with anyone else but him, it didn't work. I was meant to be with him. Maybe he wasn't meant to be with me, but I was meant to be with him.
He was probably with Sheila now. I knew he was. A Friday night, spent together with your girlfriend. Of course they were together now, of course. As I pictured them together, the clawing pain inside me grew stronger. The tears suddenly spilled over, those damn traitor tears. I couldn't stop them. It was as if they had their own will.
I angrily bit down on my lower lip as I started sobbing. Why did they have to be engaged? Why? Why did I have to move to Paris? Why did I have to move to stupid, far away, French-speaking, Paris? I lived in Forks. Renée had ruined everything. Why me? Why did I have to be the one to get my heart broken?
I didn't bother switching clothes as I lied down on top of the covers of my bed. I didn't even brush my teeth. All I could focus on was the indescribable pain beating my heart up inside. The tears blinded me, even though my eyes were open.
It felt as though sleep would never find me – I didn't know for how long I cried. But it did. When I woke up, a grey milky light had filled the room – the result from another grey sky.
I groaned, not wanting to wake up just yet. My sight was blurred as I rose, and noticed that I was wearing the same clothes as the night before. The clock to my left witnessed of that it was just past ten in the morning. The beginning of a new day.
After a quick shower and a change of clothes, I had cereal for breakfast together with a paper reading Charlie.
"Didn't really hear much about yesterday," he suddenly said as I started on my cereal. "How was it?"
I casually stirred the contents of the bowl for a moment, trying to act normal. What was I going to say? I instantly wished I had thought something through to tell him. "Good," I decided to reply. "We went to the movies in Port Angeles. And he drove me home."
"Sounds fun. Newton's a good guy, right?"
NO! Goddamn no! He is not a good guy! He vandalized the caf, Charlie! He was the one! I promise! He told me!
"Yeah," I said with a nod. "Yeah, he is."
"Never heard any bad of him. And Mr. and Mrs. Newton are really nice. They own that sport good's store near the Lodge…" His eyes were still raking over the pages in the paper.
"I know."
The sound of the phone ringing interrupted our, not very interesting, conversation.
"Got it," I said and rose from the chair. "Hello," I said as I lifted the receiver to my ear.
"Hey Swan, it's Cullen."
Edward. My heart skipped a bit. "Edward, hi." I did my best to act casual, normal. My mind was racing. What was I going to tell him, about Mike? I couldn't give him the same short story I'd given Charlie. If I wanted to get him jealous, I would have to give him details, an endless description of the perfect date Mike and I had shared.
"What, did I wake ya?" he asked, and I wondered if I had sounded too distant.
"Nope," I said, popping the 'p'. "Cullen did not wake Swan. Swan is having breakfast."
He chuckled, and I sighed, wanting to have him here. "Cullen has actually had breakfast."
"Swan thinks Cullen eats fast."
"Okay, let's cut the crap. It's Saturday today." It sounded as if a bell would ring when I heard the last sentence. Too bad it didn't.
"Yes, Saturday it is…" My voice was hesitant. He didn't answer. "Should I know what it means?"
"Hm… Maybe you shouldn't. I bet you've repressed it all. Too scary for a swan like you."
"Swans are cool. Sometimes they attack people."
"Doesn't surprise me," he said with a chuckle. "Well Sheila's offer's still there. I'll pick you up at two if you're still in on racquetball. Dress sporty."
"Oh." Racquetball. Lovely. "Sure."
"Awesome. See you then!"
"See you then," I mused, hanging up, relieved that I would have time to plan how perfect Mike and my date had been.
A/N: ATTENTION! The bragging starts in the car to the racquetball house!!! (Edward doesn't ask because he doesn't want to know)
Sorry this is late, I just haven't had time during the holidays to write. Who knew?
Yeah, this is a pretty emotional chapter I know. It's because I don't think Bella's gotten very emotional yet…
I haven't been thankful enough for all the reviews, OVER 100!!!!!! Reviewers, you are golden. For real. Don't let anyone tell you anything else. I wish I could cut you into this story as Bella or something. So you could be best friends with Edward, convince him to be more… haha!
And please review more!!! There are no words to express how a writer loves feedback.
