I have 79 reviews. (smiles evilly) WHOEVER IS MY 80TH REVIEWER SHALL HAVE ANYTHING THEY DESIRE FROM ME! (within reason… and keep in mind I'm only 13, too.)

Red Mage 04- …yeah, what do you call Revenge of the Sith?

ADG: Good Kage! (pats Kage on head)

Kage: …would you please cease now?

ADG: (snatches hand back)

Cursed Avenger1- May I borrow your flame-thrower? I have a lot of spiders in my house…

The Desperado- You're a perverted creep! Hahahahahahahahaha!

GoodMorningBeautiful2005- You're welcome. I feel sorry for you, I hate Geometery, too.

LunarSquirrel- Tron, Tron, Tron…

Meowen- Glad you think so! Grus likes coffee in this chapter… she's probably going to spend all of the next in the bathroom.

Afeenaninganing- No! Funny character is dying! BWAH! (blocks Rayne, then throws her three hundred miles away) You get some fluffuff!

BlackRatchet- Actually, no, I'm not. Sorry. Right now I'm on a brain overload and possible implode from all the work we're doing in school, and I don't think I'd be able to put someone else in- plus, if you read the notice, you had to have reviewed before that chapter to be in. As I said, Desperado got in because we cut a deal.

Farr2rich- (Lifts frying pan) Hmm, I prefer heavy books, as they don't permanently damage people, but this works too!


12. Newspapers

"Never again," rasped Jak. "Never again do I want to see another damned fangirl."

Torn, Jynx, Razor and Daxter all nodded. And all five ottsels/men/angry teens looked awful. Their clothes had bits and pieces cut out of them, their hair/fur had been cut, and they were cut and bruised from all the rabid fangirls.

Keira and Ashelin actually weren't off too bad, they just had a lot of drool on them.

Tess had been carried around on the shoulders of rabid fanottsels. She was okay, but looked slightly dazed from when they had dropped her down a couple of flights of stairs.

The Mary Sues-

"SELF INSERTS!"

-were okay; the chicken had managed to hold it until Jak and Torn had finally been able to get them down. She was currently in the bathroom. Emi was sitting next to Razor, assuring him that no more fangirls were around. Sarea was lounging on a booth seat. She hadn't really cared at all when Samos' team had tied her to the sign. She was humming an evil-sounding song and playing with the zippers on her coat. Grus was raiding the kitchen for any and all coffee.

"You know what we should do?" Razor said suddenly. "I think we should take over Haven Enquirer!"

"You idiot!" Daxter snapped. He threw an empty beer bottle at the shadowy ottsel, and was instantly beset upon by Razor's hyperactive girlfriend.

A slow smile spread across Torn's face. And it had nothing to do with what just happened to Razor. Jak and Jynx were terrified by it.

"Uh oh…" Jynx said.

"That's a great idea Razor," Torn said, the crazed grin on his face. Apparently, the damage the fangirls had done was far more than skin deep.

Ashelin, who had been eavesdropping on their (somewhat lacking) conversation looked puzzled- then her face cleared and sported a demonic grin identical to the one on Torn's. "I do believe you are right!" she cackled elatedly.

Jak and Jynx realized the significance at the same time; Keira understood a moment later. The Mary Sues-

"SELF INSERTS!"

-were ready and willing, and Tess was still dazed. Daxter was just too stupid.


The next day, a shocking newspaper was seen around Haven City. The articles were listed as:

The Seer And Her Bird: A Load Of Crap! pg.1

Sand King: Stupid Things You Never Knew! pg.2

A Perverted Stalker In Our Midst! pg.3

Sig: How He Blew One Hell Of An Image! pg. 4

Kleiver, Mechanic Of Spargus: Under His Clothes! Contains Shocking Images, Not Suitable For Children Under 15 pg. 5

The Green Eco Sage: How Stupid He Really Is! pg. 6

Crazed Lunatics On The Loose! pg.7

Cir: A Dark Maker! pg.8

HOLY CRAP! A GHOST! pg.9


The Seer And Her Bird: A Load Of Crap!

News just out- Onin the once powerful Seer is not a Seer at all- she has no power at all!

Confidential sources confirm that this blind old woman is a crackpot! Says one source: 'She never helped me at all, and her advice was terrible!' A second source relates that the annoying pet that continually follows is really "an idiotic moron!"

Ms. Onin was unable for comment having recently been evicted from her residence, but miscellaneous notes found scattered around the once grand tent-thingie suggest that her clever guise is really a sham!

A as yet unknown woman says that although Ms. Onin was a disgusting old bag, she was always 'rather fond' of the decrepit old toad.

(con. on pg.10)


Sand King: Stupid Things You Never Knew!

The Sand King of Spargus city is an idiot! A retarded freak! A sardonic bastard! A creep! Jak's father! And many many other things!

He has an I.Q. of a grand total of 10! Oh, he can speak intelligently enough, but he learns it all by the process of memorization! Just how this mentally-challenged man became King of the Wasteland is unknown, but many small clues we picked up completely by accident and several movies we got in a completely lawful way point to Damas as a one month old in a something or other's old body!

'He's mental!" one source claims. A second says that "while I've known him for a while, I must truthfully say he is nothing more than your newborn kid born already grown! He's so stupid, he cant

(con. on pg. 10)


A Perverted Stalker In Our Midst!

Teen named Desperado is really a perverted creep!

This person mysteriously appeared out of nowhere from an unknown location; information points to him being a 'Marty Stew', whatever this means. Six feet tall, well built, and a glamorous single hoop in one ear, he's enough to make any woman fall in a swoon. However, what you don't know is that he's a sex-crazed hormone-driven dog in heet!

One victim of this terrible man sobbingly reports, "He felt me up, laughing, even when I told him to stop! Though he was quite good… But it was so terrible!" The source collapsed crying hysterically, and could not continue questioning.

Another unfortunate encounteress of this teen reports, "He prostrated himself to me, and sayed I was a Sex Goddess

(con. on pg. 11)


Sig: How He Blew One Hell Of An Image!

The wild gun-slinging peacemaker-wielding wastelander residing in Haven blew one hell of an image- instead of being the big fearsome warrior we think of, he is actually a warm-milk-before-bedtime 'Poopsey'-bear-cuddler!

This shocking information was revealed to us by none other than Daxter, diminutive rodent, annoying bastard, and sidekick to Jak Mar.

"I was just standing there, and he was railing about his 'Poopsey bear' and the 'warm glass of milk' his mother used to bring him. I was like, 'Whoa, you just blew an image there, buddy!"

(con. on pg.11)


Kleiver, Mechanic Of Spargus: Under His Clothes! Contains Shocking Images, Not Suitable For Children Under 15

As everyone knows, Kleiver is the infamous mechanic of Spargus, equal only to our own prodigy, Keira Hagai girlfriend to Jak Mar.

What no one knows is what's under his clothes!

Unbenownst by many people, this particular man has a BIG problem- almost no bladder! To counter this HUGE problem, he wheres a HUGE diaper!

You herd us right. A HUGE DIAPER!

(to the right is an up close picture of Kleiver's butt with the diaper showing)

A annonomus source claims he changes it at least three times a day- which must be absolutely terrible for such a hard fighter. A few of his comrades say that they have been on various missions with them, when he has disappeared mysteriously, returning several minutes later.

(con. on pg.11)


The Green Eco Sage: How Stupid He Really Is!

Everyone knows the grand eco sage Samos. Right? He helped the Underground achieve freedom and overthrow the Baron.

But all his 'sagely' wisdom comes to naught- he once told someone to go boil all his clothes to get rid of lice! Stupid, huh?

And know he is even worse. Emotionally disturbed by a unknown accident, he is now living in his apartment with several people to make sure he does not harm himself. When his daughter was questioned, she reports that she had "no recollection" of this incident. Furthermore, she states that she will "love him until I'm dead'.

However, several sources will be glad to see the old bag of bones gone for good. Reports another, "I'll be glad

(con. on pg.11)


Crazed Lunatics On The Loose!

Warning! Two crazed lunatics are on the loose!

One claims to be a 'Marry Sue", while the other says they are both "self inserts'. Both are wearing black shirts with strange, heart-shaped objects and white writing that reads "Greenday' in capital letters. One is elvish, the other is a strange rodent.

Anyone who spots these two delinquents are strongly recommended not to go near them.


Cir: A Dark Maker!

A strange rat was reported to have been seen wandering the city who goes by the name of "Cir".

STAY AWAY FROM THIS MADMAN! HE IS A DARK MAKER! I REPEAT, A DARK MAKER!

If you happen to see this person, you are cautioned not to approach them. You have been warned.

You can now go back to your meaningless lives as you wander the streets and dive for cover whenever a rougue zoomer flies by.


HOLY CRAP! A GHOST!

Terrified random people have reported a equally terrifying sight- Errols ghost!

That's right. The sadistic tyrant commander of the Krimson Guard is back from the pit filled with fire and brimstone! And he's here on orders from the devil himself- to bug Jak Mar to death!

"It's true," Jak said. "He just sat there, looking all evil and sadistic… I almost died just seeing him there."

At this point, Jaks loyal girlfriend Keira Hagai rushed over and started to sympathize with the awesome hunk who helped save this city

(con. on pg.12)


"They do realize how stupid this is," commented Liz. "They have so many mistakes, I want to throttle them just for not doing anything right."

"Only an editor would say something like that," Pecker said dryly.

"You idiot, she is an editor." Snapped Andrea at the bird's stupidity. Or ignorance. It could be both.


A/n- Muahahahahahaha! Hope this drives insanity to the edge! I listened to International Superhits three times in a row to get this done. I have major writer's block, you see.

Yes. My hilariously stupid ideas are drying up… I need to talk to musey. And this was all non-existant until I remembered a headline someone wrote, "Michale/Michael/whatever Jackson and Prynne jimmie it off, and result is three-legged baby!" or some other such nonsense. And we're reading The Scarlett Letter, just so you get this.

Uh-huh, if you have me on author alert, you'll know I reposted my old story The Journey to Freedom as Ramen and Sand. So far I have no reviews, but I do have two story alerts. And this is a NarutoGaara fanfic, which means yaoi, which means m/m. Just so you know, and yes, I am a yaoi fangirl, but I like perfectly straight couples too, so don't get all crazy on me. And if you have anything against gay stuff, I don't mind, but just don't go around in front of me saying that gay people defy God or something. It's like saying Jews killed Jesus. Two of my best friends are Jewish, I know a guy who's grandparents were killed in a concentration camp, and some of my friends at school are bi.

Okay… rant over. Sorry if I offended you. If you want to have an argument, Id love to, but do it over email please! Otherwise I'll go on and on and on.

Sorry for bothering all you peoples ;)

-animedragongirl

P.S.- If you send me corrected versions of these articles, I will reward you with cookies!