A Game Of You

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Pairing: James/Logan

Rating: M

Warnings: Language Smut

A/N: I had some free time the past week so here's the new chapter for you! And I'm so happy you guys didn't bash my head for the turn of events last chapter! Yay! Okay now for something more serious! Thank you! Kanerbaby, Cookie Monster Giggles, bmwstamps, DBZ AWESUM for staying with me for all this! Newbie who's always there even when I hear her not! Charoula whose coming through for me and I'm forever grateful! And Meheartskendall also known as justlikemyidol on tumblr a very s1pecial person who I love and I miss and I give her my everything! And she gives me covers! And edits! And avatars! And even more new covers…pretty please…with sugar on top…Give the girl some hugs!

The two and something months he had spend with James seemed like a distant far gone dream to Logan now. It had already been almost two weeks since Jack moved back in to the apartment and things had almost fallen back into the serene calm normal life Logan craved for.

There were only two major differences between the past and the present, the first one was that Logan was no longer oblivious to Jack's needs, he made a conscious effort to show him that their relationship was something he valued and not something he took for granted. But the second difference was one that he dared not to admit even to himself. There was a cold growing hollow that ate away his very soul, times he would wallow in nostalgia and doubt about his choices, and nights he couldn't go to sleep simply because he missed James's burning touch on his skin.

Logan fought it off, he focused on making sure that Jack could get past the feelings of self hatred, he worked his hardest on giving them a chance to a common future. He thought that with time and effort they could get past their problems.

Thus Logan took an extended lunch break and went to the bookstore Jack worked in with intentions of whisking him off his feet. He entered the place and the smell of books tantalized his nostrils, books were always his one escape route when he was younger, when he used to cover himself underneath the blankets in the middle of the night with a flashlight and would gulp down the pages until he was done reading about heroes that slay dragons and scientists that made life with a lightning rod.

He walked up to the counter and greeted Jack's boss, Jack was on the phone, it took him a few seconds to register that Logan was standing there and somehow he managed to keep down his shriek.

"Yes Mr. Darrow the volume will be here Monday, will hold it for you, you can come and pick it up whenever you want, sure there's nothing else we can do? Ok then see you Monday! What are you doing here sweetie!?"

"Hi you." Logan let his hands trail on the counter, Jack immediately covered them with his own, they felt wrong, too small, too delicate, too un-James like, but he would be damned if he'd let it show and hurt his boyfriend for no other reason than an obsession.

"Get your coat, we're going out."

"Shouldn't you be at the hospital?"

"It's a slow day, and I promised I'd do some extra paper work later, so I thought I could spend some time with you."

"Well if it's okay with Duncan over here, I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth."

"You kids go have fun." The old book manager gave a nod and Jack didn't have to hear it twice, he went in the back to pick up his things, while Logan hid his nervousness behind a Shakespeare folio.

"I'm glad to see you two trying to patch things up, he's a good kid you know."

"I know sir."

"He was just not himself for a while, it was just a phase, I'm pretty sure it's over."

"Yeah I wasn't much myself lately either to tell the truth…"

"It'll take time but I'm sure you two can…"

"How much for this?!" Logan dropped the book on the counter making a thud to make Jack's fatherly figure shut up and stop making him feel guilty for the time he spend with James, he had enough trouble looking himself in the mirror as it already was.

"On the house, just make our boy happy." Logan grumbled but he forced his sour face to change expressions the moment Jack came back.

"Ready! Let's hit it!"

"After you Romeo!" Jack giggled wrapped his arm around Logan's and they headed out. Logan let him pick the restaurant, they ate while catching up on the various things they had in common, music, movies, almost everything really, and while Jack was floating on cloud nine Logan tried to ignore the fact that he never got to find out James's favorites on these subjects.

"…and the new season starts Tuesday."

"I'll probably be working the night shift but you can record it and we can watch it Wednesday night huddled up on the couch. How does that sound?"

"Wonderful actually, it's a date!"

"You're glowing you know?"

"I'm happy that we're back together again, that we're here…"

"Me too."

"I can see that." Either Jack was lying or Logan was a better actor than he thought he was, either way the important thing was not to let his mind wander and he had finally managed to get some success on that.

"So wanna go visit my parents next month?"

"Sure no problem…Did you tell them we're back together?"

"Umm, not yet…But I will next time I talk to them, no biggie…"

"Bet they were pissed about the stand I pulled…"

"I won't lie, they were mad, my mother may chew your head off just a little bit…"

"Well, mothers can be overprotective or so I'm told, I wouldn't know…"

"I'm sorry I didn't mean…"

"Not your fault my mother's a bitch Logan. Relax!" But instead of Jack's puritan mother he thought of Brooke Diamond and he continued his dinner in silence while he wracked his brain thinking what other things he could have said to the woman in that one and only conversation he had with her, what else could he have done to free James from his gilded cage.

"Hey, sweetheart stop doing that, I'm not made of glass you know." Jack's words stung his heart, were they too similar, too compatible, did he treat him the same way others treated him? Was he supposed to become James for him to make things work? Who was the other's emotional crutch here? Was he using Jack to feel superior somehow? He thought the confusion would pass with time but what if he was wrong? He never thought of such things before, but now they flooded his mind and made his head spin, and he knew all too well whose fault it was, the damn bartender's who had him captivated with that silly gorgeous smile.

"What are you thinking now?"

"Oh, umm, nothing just hospital stuff you know…"

"You want go back to work don't you sweetie?"

"No, no! I'm fine! I'm just gonna sit here and enjoy my chicken don't worry about it."

"Good." But then he's beeper went on, and even though Jack caught the flash of a smile Logan shot as he checked the code he said nothing.

"Apparently they have other plans for me back at work…I need to make a phone call…"

"Go ahead. I understand."

"It probably isn't anything too important…Just checking how long I'll be out…"

"Logan don't worry about it, you're trying for me, I'm going to try too." It made him smile and calmed his heart; maybe they did have a shot after all.

He called the hospital, they told him that one of the residents wanted him back to discuss a case but they gave no other inclinations about it. Logan apologized once more knowing that even though Jack showed understanding it still hurt him in some level. They still had a long road ahead of them after all, Logan actually carried the delusion that they could make it work.

They had a staff meeting at Eden's that day and as usual tension was sky high, everyone except James had complaints to the boss, something that is bound to happen when he acts more like one of the guys than an employer, something that Chelsea tried in vain to take advantage off in her campaign to put James down a peg.

"And lately you've been overdoing it with the give-away drinks Diamond."

"Oh, please. I keep perfect count, I already gave Tony the damage Chelsea, he'll deduct it from my pay and he doesn't mind, do you boss?"

"No James I don't. It makes the customers hang around longer."

"And he tried to play DJ the other day."

"Yeah but I was good, better than the snotty pimple punks we usually host in here." The boss and James shared a laugh, Chelsea grumbled, Brad twitted away not paying any attention at all, and Shiva kept her silence. It wasn't time yet. Soon the signs in her teacup said.

"So basically it's same old same old. If you guys don't have anything else to say how about we call it a day, you all need to catch some zees?" Now, the leaves told her.

"James locks himself in the back room and cries every night…" She ominously whispered, sipped her tea and let silence fall like a hammer on them.

"What did you say Martha…?"

"Tony don't…Don't listen to her man, she's just being her usual screwy self."

"Is that why you're shaking James dear?"

"SHUT UP SHIVA!"

"James calm down. What is going on here?"

"He's been having a rough time, I thought you should know. Maybe he'll open up to you."

"I'm perfectly fine! She's lying!"

"Careful mortal, I know just the perfect Finish curse for you…"

"Shiva stop acting like the Wicked Witch for five seconds and tell me what this about like a normal person!"

"Normal's overrated Antony."

"I'll tell you what's up! Nothing! Nothing that's any of her business! And sorry to say this Tony but it's none of yours either!" He grabbed his jacket and stormed out, but his manager soon followed his trail.

"James! Calm down for a sec!"

"No! I'm done with her crap! She's been on my case since…"

"Since when? You guys are usually inseparable; she wouldn't have done this for no reason, what happened James?"

"I don't want to talk about it Tony, its personal ok?"

"Obviously, I'm not going to force you James. I'll let it slide for now, but if it's true and you're not feeling well you can have some days off you know?"

"Don't need to Tony, thanks for being a bud. Just tell Shiva to get off my case cause I'm this close on breaking the damn chivalry rule about hitting girls!"

"That bad huh? I'll talk to her, but James she cares for you, you know?"

"People don't care Tony, not as much as they think they do…" Before his boss could say anything James walked away, he was trapped in a torrent of emotions, a pain jabbing in his chest, growing and growing, a pain he named 'Logan' tormenting him to no end.

He got home, ignored his maid's greeting and went straight to his room, to his cage, filled with things he now hated, objects that now seemed trifle and ugly to him, the way he felt about himself every time he looked in a mirror ever since that night.

Then his gaze fell on it, tucked away under his pillows to help him fall into restless slumber, the damn red tie Logan asked for as a gift to bind them but so casually left behind when he walked out.

He lost all sense and went berserk, he started breaking stuff around, the small mementos he gathered around the world went first, his television followed, he grabbed the bag with the henna paint he used to show Logan how he felt and was ready to open the window to throw it out but in his madness and fit of rage he punched his arm right through the glass. That's when she came in, looking shocked and terrified gulping down her scream; she rushed on his side feeling the ground break underneath her feet.

"James! My boy! You're bleeding!"

"I'm fine Brooke…"

"No you're not! What have you done in here!? We need to take you to a doctor!"

"NO! NEVER! NO DOCTORS! NO MORE LOGANS!"

"James…." She stepped back and saw his anguished face, his eyes brimmed with tears, her heart cried out for her son, how much was his fault, how much hers?

"James calm down, you're getting pale, let me take you to the bathroom, clean you up…"

"Okay…" He mumbled childishly as the world around him spin, he let his mother lead him by the hand to the bathroom to clean up his wound, the ammonia stung, her persistence to go to a doctor stung deeper. Eventually they both caved in, Brooke called a doctor friend of hers to come home and look at James, James reluctantly let the old man treat his wound, but only one doctor could treat his real ailment and James promised himself not to see him ever again.

Hours later he fell asleep in the guest room refusing to go back and face what he had done, until Brooke woke him up hours later with a tray in her hands.

"James baby wake up, I brought you dinner."

"I'm not hungry…"

"Alright, enough is enough! Care to explain what in blazes is wrong with you!?"

"Like you don't know…"

"It's about the Logan boy isn't it?"

"Logan is no boy! And neither am I!"

"After that tantrum you threw I disagree! Seriously James, you're a Diamond! You're better than that! What's next? A suicide note!?"

"That was an accident, I'm not going to do that again, and being a Diamond has nothing to do with being hurt mom."

"You're preaching to the quire here James. I know love hurts, remember that poor excuse of a father of yours?"

"Yeah like you're any better! You practically drove Logan out!"

"No, I tested him to see if he was good enough for you and he passed with flying colors I may add."

"Yeah well, thank you for that, it didn't drive a wedge between us like at all!"

"Oh, please when are you going to take responsibility for your actions James? The boy was practically crushed that you didn't come to his defense."

"Doesn't matter what I did anymore, he dumped me anyways."

"Why?"

"What sort of question is that!?"

"A perfectly legitimate one, after the way he stood up for you, to me no less, he didn't look like someone who'd just give up because of a few bumps on the road."

"Yeah well, he did!"

"And you had no hand on this? No choice at all?"

"HE WENT BACK TO HIS SLIME OF AN EX MOM! HE GOT TIRED OF ME AND SCREWED ME OVER!"

"Ah, and you just let him go didn't you? Or were you the one who broke it up to save face?"

"Yeah well, it was pretty clear it wasn't going to work…"

"No, it wasn't, no relationship is going to work if you don't let it become a relationship first, what you need to do…"

"Is eat my dinner mom, just let me eat my dinner, I'm tired of being prosecuted for letting Logan go…"

"You want my help James, you have it, my sympathy, yours as well, but if you want my pity son? The way you keep on acting, no, I will not pity you James David, you're a man, and eventually you'll have to start acting like one. And for yours and that boy's sake I hope you do it soon, you're already on the verge of losing far too much." With that she left him to wallow in his misery, James though wasn't affected from her words. He heard them from Logan, someone far more important to him from anyone else and they weren't enough to make him change himself after all.

Logan entered his apartment silent like a ghost, he found Jack on his laptop with a strange smile towards the screen, probably playing something to pass the time, oblivious to Logan's troubles, he sighed, he was in no mood for what was about to follow.

"Hey…"

"God! Jeez Logan! You scared me!" He got up shaking turned down the laptop screen, and tried desperately to catch his exasperated breath.

"Sorry…"

"Ah, it's okay…Hey, what's wrong you don't look so well, did something happen at the hospital, what did they want with you anyways?"

"Yeah, they wanted to brief me on a case, I got assigned on a surgery, couple of weeks from now…Brain surgery…"

"And that's a bad thing!? Baby that's wonderful! You've worked your ass for that!"

"I know but it's a…a lost cause Jack…The patient has like thirty percent of pulling it out alive…"

"Oh, come on, I'm sure you can pull it off!"

"No I can't! The only reason my superior's taking the case is that she's nine Jack! I'm supposed to hack up a nine year old girl with brain tissue damage!"

"Logan…"

"He already gave me the it's-not-your-fault-these-things-happen speech! It's a lost cause! I can't work miracles Jack! I'm not God! Part of being a doctor is to know when to fold them and frankly I don't want to torture the poor girl for absolutely nothing!"

"Okay you don't have to shout I'm trying to be supportive here! Give you some hope…"

"You don't get it Jack! You just don't…"

"Would James get it?" Jack whispered, Logan turned and faced him like somebody splashed cold water on his face.

"What! Seriously!? You did not just say that!"

"Sorry it slipped out…"

"Don't! It didn't slip out! You just took a shot at me! And you know something? You don't get to do that! After what you did you don't get to judge me and you don't get to use James like that!"

"Yeah but you get a free pass for my shortcomings!?"

"Shortcomings!? Are you actually remorseful for all the crap you pulled or what?"

"How can you ask me that? And are you? Because you're acting pretty high and mighty and yes I cheated on you on a moments' weakness but you, you just did it to hurt me! And you just had to pick a hazel eyed stud to do it so I could even feel more inferior!"

"Your inferiority complex has nothing to do…Wait how do you know what James looks like?"

"I…I googled the guy, I was curious…It wasn't that hard, went through the club's page and he was there, he looks good…"

"You shouldn't have done that Jack, and I didn't sleep with James to hurt you back, I did because I…I couldn't say no to him…Because he looked at me in ways no else had…"

"I know what you mean, if I have to be honest that's how I grew close to Drew in the first place…We're screwed aren't we?"

"No, I'm not giving up; I can't give up…not now…" Logan leaned closer, drew Jack down to him for a kiss, his body found it wrong, his soul screamed for him to stop, but he forced himself to do it anyways, he had to push forwards, there was no other way.

"Just promise it's over between you and him…I can't bear to the thought that I'll lose you to that kind of guy Logan…It'll kill me…"

"I promise. I won't go anywhere near him…you too right? You're done running right?"

"I'll never see her again…promise…" Jack wrapped his legs around him like a spider, they sled down the couch gently, and as Logan struggled to remind himself how he was supposed to make gentle love to another man instead of unleashing the predator locked in his heart, Jack smiled arrogantly looking up to the ceiling, a smile of smugness, victory and satisfaction, a smile meant for an enemy he had never met.

Later while Jack was taking a shower Logan turned to the laptop screen to find James there, smiling and happy, radiant amongst a dancing crowd. Tears came burning out of his eyes, shame and guilt overtook him.

"I'm sorry James…I'm so, so sorry…Damn it…Damn it all…Why am I fucking doing this to us…" But he knew the answer, it was because they never became one, not in the way they were meant to be, and now he had trapped himself in a maze with no apparent exits and no happy endings for him or anyone else involved.

Shiva was trying to pick between her leather jackets when her door rung, it puzzled her, she expected no visitors especially since she was a step away from going off to work. She gazed from her peephole, said something to the fates and opened the door.

"Hi Marty…"

"What wind brings you at my door Diamond?"

"I thought we could go to work together."

"Oh, I thought we were done doing that."

"Shiva…" She rolled her eyes at his plea and gestured him to come inside.

"Don't get too comfortable, I'm almost done here."

"Sure."

"You've been a complete orc for the last few weeks, you know?" She didn't look at him; she pretended to be going through her leather chokers instead.

"Yeah and you've been Chelsea!"

"Gandr!" She screamed at him pointing a finger, and James just stared at her lost.

"What? In English please!"

"Consider yourself cursed!"

"Don't worry, I already do…"

"James seriously you have to stop whining…Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Because I'm stupid…" She came up to him and kneeled besides him, caressed his cheek and took the mangled hand in her own.

"No you're not…"

"Yes I am, I'm stupid and pathetic and a loser and I…I miss him Marty, I miss him so much…I can't even breathe sometimes…I miss my little white tiger…"

"You know what you are James Diamond? Blessed." He scoffed at that but she just shook her head and became uncharacteristically serious.

"No you are. Do you know why it hurts so much to lose Logan? Because it's real James, the real, one of a kind true love others spend lifetimes to find. It's destiny. You and he are children beloved by the gods and nothing can ever truly separate you."

"Stop trying to make me laugh Shiva."

"It's working isn't it? You're smiling after all. And do you know why I chose to look at the world the funny way I do? Like it's some sort of fairytale?"

"Because you banged your head someplace when you were little?"

"No! Because otherwise the world is too gray James. Here I am at twenty five, single, away from home, barely making end's meat, with my damn paper sitting unfinished in my computer way past overdue and with my best friend going through hell. All seven planes of it! And I choose to see the magic in life. And you my friend are a maker of worlds, a painter; it's your job to fill the world in color."

"I let my magic go. I let it die."

"Magic doesn't die, it sleeps. It'll come back to you."

"No it won't."

"Yes, yes it will. Have some faith, hope really, really hard and the inventible will happen." She stared at his hand then and in her mind's eye she could see it clearly. A vivid red string, originating from his heart and circling around his pinky, she knew what it meant and where it led to. She just wished James could see it too.

"Baby, did you forget to take your meds?"

"Don't quote Placebo on me James! You listen to the Gaga lady, I listen to actual good music. Besides I don't need them, what I need are new shoes!"

"I think I can fix that, how about I take you shopping Saturday?"

"Only if you let me pick them."

"Only if they don't have bats on them! Can you dress feminine at least for once?"

"I'd like you to know I have the perfect little cocktail dress stuffed in the closet, I'm just saving it for a special occasion." They got up; Shiva picked her stuff and went to the door, which James opened for her.

"You're a gentle soul James Diamond."

"Yeah, I'm a regular knight in shining armor when I want to be."

"Ugh, I hate knights, they ruin everything with hunting down all the good characters, how about you be the dragon to my witch?"

"How about I draw you one? One black scaly fire breather with big ruby eyes?"

"Really!?"

"Yes Glenda, really!"

"What have I told you about that one James!? TRIPLE GANDR ON YOU!" He rolled his eyes and laughed, maybe if he actually let a few of the dams down, didn't shut all the people caring for him out, he could make it through the pain of being separated from his soul mate. At least now he hoped.