Chapter 12

'Dad, the doctor's here.'

'I know.'

Jacob's heart sank at the sight of his father holding the baby so lovingly. He hated to disturb the special time between his parent and his child but Serge Correia was coming to check the baby and take a blood sample. It would also be the first time that Jacob would reveal the unique characteristics of his father. Above all Jacob wanted to protect both of them but since Mea's illness the hematologist had been a huge part of preserving the family secret even when he was not privy to the details.

'You don't have to see him if you prefer not to.'

'What I prefer is not important. These are sacrifices I have chosen to make.'

Jacob sensed that his father had more to say. He waited patiently.

'Living above has been the biggest challenge of my life. Father…. was the one who insisted on keeping me safe and I never wanted to challenge him. Loving your mother helped me to take more control of my life but I….'

Jacob knew the confession was about so much more than seeing the doctor. Every word was a testament to his grief over the death of Father. Jacob stood still allowing the words to flow. He knew that Serge was talking comfortably in the living room with Cathy. The doctor indicated that time was not important. He had already left the hospital for the day. Jacob was grateful for the sensitivity. Allowing his father to share some heartfelt emotion seemed in keeping with the empathic turn in his life.

'I hardly remember those days, or rather those nights when I could allow myself to slip out from below and be free. For so many years it was about you. When your mother came back to us I felt as if I had been freed from a personal self-imposed bondage. Her courage was always the driving force which allowed me to defy Father.' Vincent stopped and looked up at his son. 'Even when I was a grown…man, raising a teenager of my own I still could not find it in myself to break away from the 'rules' of my childhood.'

'Dad you are a man, always have been. How you look is simply a manifestation of our cultural past and an incredible act of nature. What happened with your mother was meant to bring that past to this modern time and remind us of our strength.'

'I know son. That day, in the desert of Arizona, when you revealed my true heritage I felt a release which still reverberates. Before that I found it hard to change years of…..'

'Indoctrination'

'Sounds harsh. Father only wanted to protect me.'

Jacob hesitated. 'It was the way of his generation. As we move along people and ideas change. We evolve for progress, Dad. It isn't about right or wrong, just new.'

Vincent looked at his son and then at his granddaughter. 'If she stays like this, will her life be the same?'

'No Dad. It will be different. She will be challenged but she will have more options and she will have the greatest role model.'

Vincent did not hide his tears. Many of then fell into the soft downy hair which covered the baby's body. He pulled the light sheet around her before standing up. 'I'll carry her. It's time to meet this doctor.'

Deep down inside, Jacob wondered if he would ever get to hold his daughter but he was happy to see his grieving father release some of the issues which clouded and plagued his life.

…..

Hélène felt ravaged by her anger. Distaste filled her being. She had quite a few hours to sit and wait and ponder. Not one minute of it had been pleasant. Even Howard's call only served to increase her anxiety. She read and listened to music on a mini player while waiting for Philippe to return. From time to time, a kindly Concierge asked if she needed anything. Hélène declined.

The very scenario, which she hoped to avoid eventually played out. In the waning minutes of her vigil, she felt her cell phone beep. It was Cathy asking when she would return. Hélène was replying to the text when her heart started to pound. Looking up she saw Howard standing before her. Wide-eyed and breathless, her first instinct was to rise and be enveloped in the arms, which brought so much peace and pleasure. She resisted. Howard was seldom without a retinue in public. She could not remain seated however.

Apparently Howard had no such reticence. He pulled her gently into his arms.

'Have you been waiting all this time?'

'Yes.'

The hug, to a disinterested observer, appeared totally innocent but to Philippe who had just been informed that someone was waiting, it felt like a blow to his gut. Years of training came into play. If he couldn't be cordial, at least he could be polite. His greeting with Howard was friendly enough. Hélène knew it was forced. The two men turned slightly away from her when she was distracted by a reply on the cell phone from her anxious granddaughter.

I'll be home soon, she texted quickly before turning back to the two men in her life.

'I was just asking Philippe if you would like to join me for dinner?'

'Thank you, no. My granddaughter is asking me to return. She is struggling with those post baby blues. I want to be there to support her. Perhaps another time. I jut need to have a quick word with Philippe.' Her smile was forced.

'I am disappointed. I thought it was an interesting coincidence that we should all meet here today. I hope she feels better. Please let me know when I can visit.'

Howard took her hand and held it briefly. The loving squeeze was almost imperceptible. Philippe moved toward the elevators and Hélène reluctantly followed. Her anger, thanks to Howard's presence, was reduced to a slow boil. Perhaps it was better to face off dispassionately. With one last, longing, look at her lover, she watched the elevator doors close. Neither said a word until the condo door also closed behind them.

'This is not about me Philippe but you can make it so.'

'Then what do you want? Why did you come here today?'

'We have been blessed with a second chance. You seem as reluctant to take it now as you did forty-five years ago.'

'It always comes back to that.'

'It doesn't come back to that. It starts there. Apparently THAT has not been resolved.'

Philippe stood with his back to her staring out of the window at the New York skyline. He seemed stiff and unyielding. Hélène's temper began to rise. She just couldn't understand his behaviour.

'I see that I am wasting my time.'

'Is that what you think? You want to attack me for what…..abandoning you, my unknown daughter? This is not the same. A man has no place in women's business. I have left all of you to care for my granddaughter. What use am I?'

'Oh stop feeling sorry for yourself. You don't have to do anything. Just be present. It shows you care.'

'Do you care Hélène? About me? About anyone?'

She was taken aback by the venom in his tone.

'If you remember you backed me up in this room, you and Cathy with your big secret about Madeleine. You hijacked me and gave me the most devastating news and the most beautiful. Despite the shock, I have embraced this precious child, our granddaughter, on faith. I would do anything for her and for you.' Hélène paused.

'A few days ago, you brought yourself to New York to be with her on a belief that she needed you. Don't tell me you are suddenly disinterested. We both love her. Why do you hold yourself apart from her. Just so that you know, she… feels your absence.'

Philippe opened his mouth to speak, seemed to think better of it. He drew a deep breath before trying again.

'Every time I think we are a family someone else seems to invade our space. First Guy and now Howard.'

'Howard?'

'Yes. You didn't think to tell me that you and he…. is he your lover?'

Hélène let out an uncharacteristic expletive. 'Yes he is. What of it?'

'How could you?'

'We are friends. He needs a friend and so do I.'

'But he is married.'

'So are you Philippe. The fact that you have a husband and not a wife doesn't give you any more freedom. The truth is that you could never love me. When you had a chance to be with me you made it clear that you did not want me. Don't blame Guy. Long before I made the decision to marry him, to give my child a name, you had a chance to be clear about your feelings. We could have been friends, we could have been co-parents but you opted to run away, chased into oblivion by a few words from my mother. You didn't fight for me because I didn't matter to you but surely Cathy matters to you. Why abandon her because of me. I would rather go away than watch you hurt her by your absence.'

Hélène ended on a sob. She was furious and hurt and saddened beyond belief that their argument should center around an event which happened so many years ago.

'Hélène please, you did matter, do matter to me. I could not love you more. I just cannot be your lover. I know it is deeply selfish of me to want you for myself. The thought of you with another man tears at me in ways I don't understand. I have not resolved this issue in my heart. I know I have behaved badly. I understand what you have suffered. Truly I am sorry for the pettiness which overtakes me. It is childish and unacceptable but I can't erase it from my being.'

'You have no place in my bed or my bedroom Philippe. You do have a place in my heart. Let me love who I wish but never again let our granddaughter suffer because you are jealous.'

Philippe felt himself to be utterly chastised. He sensed an awkwardness and knew it originated from his childhood. He longed to hold Hélène and receive her forgiveness. His outstretched arms beckoned. Hélène hesitated.

'I am serious. I love Howard. Strangely, it is because of you that we are together. His circumstances are not ideal but we are discreet. Don't make this right or wrong. It is neither. It just is.'

'Let me hold you, please?'

Hélène moved into his arms. She wanted to remain acutely aware of every sensation. She felt as if they were moving back in time. She sensed the child in him that once felt abandoned and lost to his family.

'Don't carry the sadness in you forever. Go back home and find yourself again. We will be here waiting for you and loving you still.'

Hélène didn't know why she said that but it felt right. Philippe released her but held onto the surprisingly strong shoulders.

'I have never been able to contemplate doing just that but somehow it feels like what I need to do. In the meantime, I have some repair work here. Let's go. Our…granddaughter needs us.'

….

Cathy didn't know why she continued to feel out of sorts. There wasn't anything she needed. Each day her strength returned. Nothing about her daughter was distressing. The down covered body felt soft and delightful. She smelled like a fresh mountain breeze but something was missing. She searched her mind for what could be lacking. It wasn't her husband. Jacob couldn't be more attentive or loving but a restlessness overtook her. She put the baby to breast and sat quietly in the rocking chair her mind on fire with details.

The visit from the doctor had gone well. He was able to draw blood from the baby's heel. Serge did concur with Dr. Spelnik about the growth of hair. If that was the case the hair would be coincidental and not hereditary. Cathy and Jacob didn't feel the need to worry. Serge was polite but his full attention had been on Vincent whose presence was a comfort, despite his grief. The two men left to talk among themselves. Cathy remained behind, rocking and feeding and wondering.

Jacob returned before long. 'I left Dad talking with Serge. Who knew that they would find something in common.'

Cathy smiled but said nothing.

'KitCat?'

'Jacob, I feel lost. Everything is the same and yet nothing is. I don't know who I am or what I am doing. Inside my head there is a disconnect but outside I love you and our baby, I think I am doing everything I can and doing it right but something is missing.'

Jacob had seen the vacant haunted look in his wife's eyes. He couldn't fathom it and he couldn't enter her space. With everyone who had been around since the baby's birth, it surprised him that she could not find a confidante. He sat on the floor in front of the rocking chair and watched as tears flowed down her cheeks. He said nothing. The baby slept on unaware of anything amiss between her parents.

Neither knew how much time had passed but Hélène and Philippe found them seated in exactly the same place.

'Why the tears, ma belle?'

'Papa, Papa. I am so happy to see you.'

There were no words of recrimination. Philippe felt a profound sense of sadness underlying her words. He moved closer and took the baby from her. Jacob pulled up a chair for the two grandparents. No one spoke. Cathy was holding court.

'Thank you Papa for sending the helicopter. I was so scared and so was Mémé. She didn't say anything, but I knew. Mémé just held my hand and told me everything would be fine. In all my life, I was never so happy to see anyone as I was to see Jacob come running across the field. I didn't want to harm my baby because of my wish to have her below but I couldn't take the chance. You made it possible for me to come home. I just wanted to thank you for that.'

In that moment, Philippe understood everything he missed and knew it was his one last chance to make things right, not just with Cathy but also with Hélène. He leaned over and kissed his granddaughter's cheek and brushing a yellow gold curl from her forehead.

'I love you Cathy. You were so courageous. You took a chance and did what was right. Your grandmother and I are so proud of you.'

Before his eyes he could see his granddaughter visibly relax. 'You know, I am such a lucky man to have this chance to be a part of my real family. I am so proud of my three girls, Hélène, you, and this lovely baby. The daughter I missed knowing because of my stubborn and unyielding grief over something long past comes to me and reminds me every day that I should accept the present and not live in the past.'

'Me too. I am sad because my mother isn't here and yet I have so much to be thankful for. You understand what I am feeling. Remember the day at the fence when Jason and Terry were getting married? I was so drawn to you, long before I even knew about our relationship. I don't see you often but I know that you are with me always. In my moment of need you came through.'

Cathy leaned forward and kissed her grandfather before wrapping her arms around him and the bundle of happiness who lay between them.

'Why did I ever think I was not useful?' Oh my God I have been so foolish.'

Philippe wanted to say something but words failed him. His eyes met Hélène. She nodded. He got the message. It was all about being present.

'I know what I want to call our daughter Jacob. Can we name her now?'

Jacob nodded. They hadn't really discussed a final choice but he left it up to Cathy.

'As you all know I dream and many of my dreams are centered around the Irish part of our family. The first name came to me while I was in Montreal with Mémé. I like it. I also wanted to honour my mother but not with the name she left behind in Montreal but the name she adopted when she was looking for her father. I'd like to call our baby Aislyn Delaney Chandler-Wells.