Author's Note: New material
Chapter 11
Space Transport to Raxus, Post Catalyst - Day Seven.
Ahsoka hugged herself as she stood by the viewport in the quarters she was sharing with Padmé's Amidala, listening with only partial attention to Padmé rant about warmongering among the Senators. With her own thoughts turned inwards and the Senator seeming to be working to a full head of steam about friends being separated by political ideals, it was safe enough. Padmé was driven, extolling the dangers of prolonging the war.
More troops.
More battles.
More victories.
More chances for the men under her command to die and be forgotten. Much like Rex seemed to have done with her. No longer was he her confidant and friend. He'd become a distant stranger, a man who refused to speak with her beyond the confines of their professional roles and, even then, treated her with a kind of formal respect he reserved for… for she didn't know who. Senators, maybe?
All because she'd done something so incredibly stupid and seduced him. Or rather, he'd seduced her. At the time it hadn't mattered because she'd thought it was mutual. Now, she wasn't sure. The night was still such a blur of passionate need and want and memory a week later, Ahsoka couldn't rightly remember who had started what.
What she could remember was enough to shame her. Calling him to her room. Begging for his touch and his kiss. Begging for him to take her like the harlot she'd been pretending to be on Ord Mantell barely hours before.
He must be so disgusted to have seen me stoop so fully to their level, tightness behind her eyes accompanied the thought and Ahsoka deliberately turned her attention away from it. Thinking about Rex, more importantly what had happened between them, was a sure fire way to ruin her hard won composure. Not that she could not think about it since the shock and numbness of his rejection had ebbed to leave her wracking her brain for why Rex had abandoned her so completely.
As it was, she was only there because Kix, Coric, Chopper and Echo had ganged up on her, using logic when she felt her most illogical, put her dirt side with her Master on Coruscant. Somehow, though, she didn't think this was what they'd had in mind when they'd reminded her that she was a Jedi and obligated to serve the Senate, just as the GAR did.
So she'd gone to the Senate meeting, listened, been disinterested until Anakin and Padmé had started to argue on opposing sides of the cloning and war issue. Siding with Padmé had been dangerous, but Ahsoka couldn't bring herself to spend much time with her Master. Each time she did, he asked about the mission. Each time she saw him, spoke with him, he asked about the tension between her and Rex.
It wasn't reassuring that her Master had noted it and was concerned because of it. Much as she appreciated his empathy, she was still too heart bruised, heart broken, to talk about it to anyone.
Kix and Coric only knew, or thought they knew, what had happened because they'd seen the bruises on her. Chopper had discovered it by accident, finding her that one night at her weakest and Echo… well Echo saw everything. She'd been less than surprised when he'd come to find her and ask if there was anything he could do to help. It was a little more than overwhelming when he'd offered to be her go between with Rex.
She'd turned him down, but was touched.
The quartet had been in her corner ever since Rex had turned his back on her. Supporting her when he was at his harshest, mitigating the damage the sudden change between Captain and Commander was causing as their interpersonal tension echoed into the ranks.
They'd taken to being her shield, a position Rex had once held, against the men speaking about her or the shinies from being inappropriate. Gossip was inevitable in a male army full of clones, as was the expectation that all would adhere to regulation, but as a quartet they had a lot of influence. Coric was a Sergeant, but that wasn't why the men listened to him.
No one, she'd long since learned, wanted to be on the bad side of a medic.
Alone, but not, Ahsoka glanced at Padmé as the Senator was shaking her head, packing the last of the clothes the overnight flight had taken. Suddenly, she needed to engage the other woman if for no other reason than to avoid her thoughts. Thoughts that would, inevitably, turn back to the man who'd unerringly become the center of her world on the Ord Mantell mission. A world that no longer made sense after she'd been so irresponsible.
"Who are we supposed to meet on Raxus again?"
"Mina Bonteri," Padmé answered without missing a beat. "She's an old friend of my family."
"And you really think talking with her can help put an end to the war?"
"Well, it certainly can't hurt," countered the politician, "even if it doesn't go through to their Senate, but I think it will, at least we can say we tried. If we can bring them back to the bargaining table, to negotiation, maybe we can end the senseless deaths in the army and the Jedi won't need to be at the head of it anymore."
"Won't…" Ahsoka's brow furrowed. "If the war does end, there will still need to be Commanders and Generals, Padmé. The army just won't disappear because we're in peace talks or because a treaty has been signed."
"No, but it would mean that clones could be promoted or other officers trained to fill those positions. Jedi could go back to being peace keepers."
Shaking her head, Ahsoka leaned her shoulder against the wall, grateful for the distraction. "Can that really happen, Padmé? Jedi have been a part of the army for so long, they might not want to step away."
"Like you and the men of Torrent Company?"
Somehow, Ahsoka managed to nod and find a smile, though it felt brittle on her lips. "Right."
"I think it to be the correct political move for the Jedi to remove themselves from the army."
"But?"
"Morally, Jedi are more suited to lead the army than regular men, even ones as superior as clones. They've a clear set of rules to follow, ones that can't be bent or broken, which are stricter than the regulations the rest of the enlisted men have. That code makes you all ideal to being their commanders."
"Even though it holds us back and sometimes prevents us from doing what's necessary to achieve victory?"
"Even then." Padmé smiled faintly. "You've been spending too much time with Anakin. You're starting to sound like him."
"Skyguy is my Master."
They shared a look and then a laugh, Ahsoka's only slightly forced.
"He is at that. You're good for him, Ahsoka."
Blinking at the unexpected compliment, she was taken aback. "Good for him?" She knew Anakin and Padmé were friends, but that seemed a little too familiar. "What do you mean?"
Padmé closed the clasps on her case just as the general call echoed through the ship. Ahsoka caught that the landing struts had been deployed and they were on final approach. Passengers were to take their seats for landing. Together, they found the seats in their small cabin, Ahsoka shrugging into a poncho before she snapped the crash webbing together.
"Padmé?"
"Hm?"
"What do you mean, I'm good for him?"
"Exactly what it sounds like," Padmé seemed amused. "You've tempered him quite a bit, or hadn't you noticed?"
"Tempered?" Ahsoka chuckled. "You haven't seen him with the troops."
"He's calmer, Ahsoka," the correction was accompanied with a shake of Padmé's head, "more…"
"Reckless?"
"Responsible."
"Anakin?" she couldn't help the incredulity of her tone. Responsible was not an adjective she'd ever heard anyone use in conjunction with her master. "We are talking about the same man here, right?"
Padmé chuckled. "You make him think about his actions, Ahsoka. That's not a bad thing. He's… very young to be a Jedi Knight, you know."
She knew. Master Plo had commented on it along with the fact that Anakin was uniquely suited to her own talents and temperament. Perhaps there was something in what Padmé was saying, but that Padmé knew Anakin well enough to say it was a little surprising. To say nothing of the almost wistful way Padmé had spoken the last sentence. "I know. I only hope I can follow his path."
Unexpectedly, Padmé looked away, towards the door, a faint smile curving her lips. "It's not an easy path to follow, Ahsoka," Padmé's gaze came back to hers as the ship settled to the ground with a faint kachunk, "but if anyone can, it's you."
Sharing that look, Ahsoka got the distinct impression that Padmé wasn't talking about the Jedi.
Landing on Raxus was about everything Ahsoka expected it to be. Hot. Windy. Militant but efficient but slightly disorganized. The encounter with Mina Bonteri and her aid, on the other hand, was bewildering and knocked Ahsoka's firmly held vision of the Separatists off kilter.
Clankers were Separatists. Evil and destructive. Soulless things built to kill and maim life, specifically men like hers. Men like Fives and Echo and Chopper so other men, medics like Kix and Coric, needed to patch them up - if they were lucky.
Suave, sophisticated and beautiful, the regal woman who met them was warm and welcoming, contrary to everything Ahsoka believed the enemy to be.
Rightly so, that belief was challenged and Ahsoka forced to reconsider her stance. If Mina Bonteri was a soulless killer, she'd eat her Padawan braid. Suddenly, as they entered the transport that would take them to the Senator's estate, Ahsoka found herself wondering how many more of the Separatists were like Padmé's friend. It was a question she'd never asked, one she'd never considered before and would probably never have considered without this encounter.
Casting the Senators covert glances, Ahsoka watched as Mina and Padmé spoke little of things serious and more of their personal lives. Catching up after such a long absence, the two women held hands, their heads close together, excluding her from the conversation.
Ahsoka didn't mind.
Better to be excluded then drawn into something she had no business being in for starters. She respected Padmé's need to speak with her friend. They hadn't seen one another for a long time and if she'd ever been separated from Rex like-
She looked away, feeling the burn of tears behind her eyes which accompanied the thought. For all she was physically close to Rex on a daily basis, she was separated from him like that right now. There might as well have been a galaxy between them for all the attention he paid her.
Professionally proper, he treated shinies he'd known for hours better than the young woman who'd been watching his back for years. One mistake, admittedly a big one, and he'd turned his back on her.
Why, Rex? What did I do that made it so bad for you?
Closing her eyes, she was unwittingly propelled back, beyond the confusion of this last week, to the night where everything had changed between them. To the heated, hungry look in his eyes. The feral and possessive way in which he'd held her, bitten her. His dominion over her had been complete for all she'd been a willing and eager participant.
Was that it? Was the fact she'd wanted him, not fought him, the problem? Or maybe after his exposure to the professional dancers like Zidel and Ishka at the Catalyst, he'd found her fumbling inexperience off putting. Not that it had stopped either of them. He had wanted her - hadn't he?
If only he'd talk to me. Rex… why won't you talk to me?
A hand landed on her shoulder and she jerked out of her thoughts, her eyes flying open as she spun -
"Ahsoka!"
- and stopped short of striking Padmé as she jumped back. Ahsoka flushed, dropping her arm immediately. "Senator! I'm sorry, I-"
"It's my fault," Padmé cut in with a faint smile, "I should know better than to sneak up on a Jedi so deeply in meditation."
Meditation. Right. Ahsoka was agitated enough not to question why she should know better. "I am really sorry, I didn't mean-"
"It's okay, Ahsoka. Really." There was a finality to Padmé's tone that didn't leave the situation open to further discussion. "We're here."
Ahsoka blinked and glanced back out the viewport, noting with some trepidation that they had indeed landed. Their hostess was already out of the transport and speaking with another woman on the platform. Standing, she didn't look Padmé's way, feeling the curious and concerned look and unable to help the flush that stains her skin and the chevrons on her lekku. Padmé couldn't know what Ahsoka had been thinking about, no one except maybe Rex-
Exhaling, Ahsoka turned her attention to collecting her bag and tried instead to focus on the fact that everything she'd just learned about Separatists had been turned on its head. She couldn't wait to see Rex's face when-
She whimpered softly, rubbing her forehead with one hand even as she clenched the other around the handle of her case. The reflex to want to share everything with Rex hadn't diminished with his treatment of her. If anything, it only made her long for it more. But there would be no telling him of this little side trip. No talking through what she'd learned or getting his insightful opinion on it.
If she tried to talk to him, he'd likely just walk away - as he had been since sharing her bed.
With a flinch, Ahsoka stepped off the transport and into the sunlight, her hood thrown back, conscious of the fact Padmé had stopped at the base of the ramp and was glancing her way. Joining her, Ahsoka deliberately turned her attention to the home before her, idly wondering why she was surprised at all to find the Senator lived lavishly.
Senators, by trade it seemed, had to live lavishly.
It was a sweeping estate at first glance, with dual staircases around a center court, but what brought her up short was a grey clad figure perched on one stone rail. Ahsoka cocked her head as Mina's voice rang out.
"Lux! Come down here and greet our guests."
The suit uncoiled itself from its perch and Ahsoka was startled to realize that it was a teenage boy who looked to be about her age. This then, was likely Mina Bonteri's son. Padmé had mentioned him in passing, a detail that had drawn her to the mission in the first place. Spending time with another person her own age, especially a boy she didn't know, had the potential to take her mind off Re- off him.
Petty perhaps, but Ahsoka could admit it to herself. She needed a distraction. Any distraction. Surrounded by clones was agonizing in ways that wore on her daily. Seeing his face, but not his face; his eyes, but not his eyes in every encounter, every conversation was a form of torture she'd never before experienced. Not being able to talk about it was, in some ways, worse.
She couldn't find her focus in the Force and Anakin had sensed her turmoil the last time she'd tried. Echo had offered to face her on the mat, but it wasn't quite the outlet she needed. It didn't help that Ahsoka didn't trust herself to not get caught up in the moment and suddenly see his face in one of his men's. She couldn't, for example, take the chance of pinning Echo to the mat, but seeing Rex beneath her, only to do something that would cost her Echo's friendship as well.
With no outlet and no one to talk things through with, it left her adrift.
If she confirmed what anyone thought knew about what had happened between them, Rex would be disciplined, likely court-martialed. Ahsoka wasn't sure what would happen to her beyond being sent back to Coruscant for reassignment and possibly permanent assignment to Master Jocasta Nu in the Jedi Archives.
Not somewhere she wanted to be.
Still, it wasn't about her. Rex's life, his livelihood, hung in the balance and she wasn't about to jeopardize his existence because of her mistakes. I should never have-
Firmly turning her attention to the young host, Ahsoka regarded him critically as she cut off her train of thought. Lux approached, descending the steps with a decorum that surprised her, taking her from her thoughts. He'd jumped to obey his mother, but was exhibiting a poise most teenagers lacked. A Separatist youth trait or one that was unique to being Mina's son?
"Allow me."
Padmé surrendered her case to the youth but Ahsoka pulled hers away sharply when he reached for it. She didn't trust him to take her cloak, let alone her luggage, especially when her lightsaber was inside. "I've got it, thanks."
"An honored guest," he smiled winningly at her, "especially one so lovely, shouldn't carry their own case."
"This honored guest," Ahsoka bit off the sharp retort she had planned and forced herself to respond without any of the heat she wanted to, "lovely or not, chooses to carry her own belongings."
"As she prefers." He flashed her more brilliant version of his smile, a touch of charming coercion within it. Lux continued to talk as they followed the two adults towards the house. "May I at least have the pleasure of your name, exotically beautiful lady?"
"Will you lay off the flattery if I give it to you?"
"I'll try," his eyes fairly sparkled, "but with such inspiration, I don't know that I'll succeed."
"Ahsoka Tano."
He arched his eyebrows.
"It's my name."
"Ahsoka." He spoke it, the syllables rolling off his tongue like he was testing a food for the first time. "Lyrical and unique, much like you."
Would he still think the same when he found out she was a Jedi? Padmé had cautioned her that the Bonteri family were not overly fond of Jedi, the same as many Separatists, and her order was seen as warmongers and war profiteers. It couldn't be further from the truth.
"If you say so," a name was a name, though being around the Clones had helped her realize that choosing one's name, or being christened with one, was far more meaningful thank simply being labeled at birth. Earning a name made you proud of it and she saw it every day in chopper and Coric, especially in men like Rex who'd-
She shied away from the thought.
Weary of her mental battle, she turned her attention back to her host and wasn't sure she had the strength to try and make the Bonteri boy, to make Lux, like her if he chose not to accept her calling. She'd deal with that if it came to it, for the moment, Ahsoka resolved to enjoy Lux's exuberance.
He bounded ahead to get the door for his mother and Padmé. As she neared, she found her voice.
"Lux, right?"
"That's right - Ahsoka."
She smiled at him, forcing herself to suppress the prejudices her time on the front lines had formed as he held the door for her. "Thank you."
"My pleasure. If you'll follow me, I'll show you to your room."
Raxus, Post Catalyst - Day Eight - Evening
Lux had monopolized her time after seeing her to her quarters. He'd given her a tour of the estate without giving her a chance to freshen up, taking her through galleries and gardens that rivaled some of the residences on Coruscant. There was a library and a salon, whatever that was for, along with a main dining hall and two studies, one for both Mina and one for Lux.
After the whirlwind showcase, an awkward, but readily passed discussion about her having never met a Separatist before and a random discussion about preferred speeders, he deposited her back at her room and left her be, saying it was time to dress for dinner.
Dinner was an easy affair, with Mina and Padmé doing most of the speaking, which was fine by Ahsoka, thought Lux's demeanor had changed. He'd gone from the friendly, flirty individual who'd been proud to show her around his house, so a quiet, almost sullen, youth.
It wasn't helped when Padmé and Mina continued to talk politics only to have Ahsoka join them with disastrous results. She'd put her foot in her mouth and, when dismissed, had only been too glad to get away after a sincere and heartfelt apology.
She was already halfway down the steps when Lux's voice startled her.
"You're a Jedi, aren't you?"
Ahsoka wasn't sure what she was expecting after blundering unforgivably regarding Mina's husband, but his unconventional greeting wasn't it. Turning, she faced him only to find he was seated on a railing again, his back to one of the planter decoration, on a balcony further up the stairs to an upper terrace.
Not sure what to make of that question, she crossed her arms over her chest, considering him. It was only as his gaze dropped to her hips that she realized why he'd asked it. I should have left them in my room. Still, she wasn't about to pretend to be something she wasn't, or deny her profession. "I am. Is that going to be a problem?"
Lux didn't move off the rail, continuing to watch her. "That depends."
"On?"
"My friends say that Jedi are the reason this war will never end."
"Jedi are the ones trying to end this war, not prolong it. Have any of them ever met a Jedi?"
"No one personally," he cocked his head at her. "And you're my first. I've been told that Jedi are evil. Are you evil, Ahsoka?"
Ahsoka almost laughed. Stretching her arms out wide, she challenged him. "Do I look evil to you?"
"No." He smiled, his gaze deliberately traveling from her toes to her face. "You look just about perfect."
Blinking, Ahsoka's arms slowly dropped as she felt the impact of having walked straight into the compliment. Rex never- she axed the thought immediately, realizing that Lux's presence today had done what she'd hoped and she was anxious to continue feeling like less of a pariah. Lux wanted her company.
Deciding to engage him, she continued down the stairs, conscious of the fact he was probably looking her up and down as he had on the front. "Looks aren't everything you know," stopping at the base of the stairs, she cocked her head at him. "Jedi have been known to fall, even those who are good, really good, but those that fall are only a handful. Jedi are keepers of the peace, Knights of justice and harmony. We're only fighting because the Senate, which we serve, has mandated the army needs moral people leading the battles."
"Your Senate is determined to ensure all peoples are a part of it and that none are beyond its sphere of influence," jumping from the rail, Lux started down the stairs and Ahsoka backed up a step to treat him, with obvious care, to the same examination he'd given her. "The Galactic Senate used to be a place where individuals could be heard and make a difference."
"It's still that way, we wouldn't be here otherwise, Lux. Padmé... Senator Amidala believes there can and is a peaceful solution to this war. So does your mother. They are individuals making a difference."
"Only if it works."
"It will," Ahsoka was confident Padmé and her friend could bring about change if they were careful. "The Senator speaks so highly of your mother and, now having met her, I believe that by working together, they'll be able to accomplish their goal."
"Their goal?"
"All our goal." Cocking her head at him, she placed one hand on her hip. "Are you going to stand on that step and pose for this whole conversation or join me so we can move to the gazebo?"
"Don't you like it?"
"I like the suit. It's… different."
"Mother can be very strict in matters of protocol."
"And my Master can be very..." she stopped and smirked. "He can be very strict if he thinks I'm risking my neck unnecessarily."
"But not otherwise."
"It depends on the situation. He's a very..." she paused to think of the right word, "unconventional Jedi."
"That must be where you get it from." Lux joined her on the ground and fell into step with her as they headed for the gazebo in the center of the garden.
"You've never met a Jedi before, how would you know if I'm unconventional?"
"You're here, aren't you?"
Stopping in her tracks, she stared after him as he ducked into the gazebo, surprised by the insight she hadn't expected. As she stared, Lux stuck his head out with an impish, charming smile.
"Are you coming?"
Indecision held her immobile for half a second, her time at the Catalyst having served her well. She'd become more adept at recognizing when someone wanted her and Lux, if she wasn't mistaken, wanted to kiss her. If she let him, maybe it would banish the feel of Rex's kisses.
The indecision didn't last long.
Needing to feel wanted after a week of solid, silent rejection, Ahsoka made her decision and ducked to join Lux in the gazebo.
