Russian Fairy Tales with Ivan Braginski 12

Warning: One sided (?) Russia X China, one sided South Korea X China. I should also warn that I'm working with characters here I never have before who don't have much personality... though I did check their Wikipedia entries... I think they're good enough. When there wasn't much to go on with Wikipedia, in Hetalia spirit I googled up some traditional stereotypes for the land and used some of those (okay really just did that for India). So... yeah... hope that's fine...

A Note from the Narrator:

Privyet readers! This is another of my longer fairy tales, and just to prove I listen to all of your wonderful suggestions I have heard a request for more Asians in my fairy tales. It is a good thought, da? So using all my powers of persuasion and bribery, I have summoned together an entire Asian cast! Some were more difficult than others, but I hope this appeases the one who requested! You will become one now, da?

Anyway, this particular story will have myself playing the lead as usual, as by coincidence the lead role is also named Ivan! Though of course I am no fool, as he is made to be. I should point out that although Taiwan is the merchant in this piece, in the original version the merchant was male. However, I was busily using all the Asian men I could find filling other roles and she... well I decided not to use her as the one female role. That's alright; I got my Yao-Yao to do it instead! Also, the eldest son of Fyodor will be played by South Korea, the middle son Vasily will be played by Hong Kong... who I don't know the name of so I'll just call him that... same with Taiwan actually... and a few others... it is not that important I suppose. Anyway, again, I hope this appeases the request! Enjoy the story, da?

XOXOXO

Salt

In a certain city there lived a Taiwanese merchant woman who had three sons. The first was Yong-Soo, the second Hong Kong, and the third was I, Ivan the Fool. This merchant, my mother, lived richly; she sailed in her ships to foreign lands and traded all kinds of goods.

"Well, yes, of course I live richly! Er, th-this won't take very long will it?"

Nyet, well, longer than usual but not that long. Why, do you have somewhere you need to be, Taiwan?

"Well no... I just think I should know if it's going to take long! That's all. Um..."

What?

"Well, er... it's just... China told me to stay away from you."

Oh, silly Yao-Yao is overreacting! Anyway, he has a part in this later, he won't be mad at you!

"Hrm, well... alright. Okay! I can do this!"

Ah, da, then-

"ANIKI IS HERE? WHERE IS HE? TELL ME, DA-ZEE!"

You are very loud, da? Yao-Yao will be coming later, you will see him then... did you not read the script?

"I don't need one! Russian Fairy Tales originated in Korea, da-zee!"

Um... nyet, they did not.

"Did too, da-zee!"

... whatever. Does Hong Kong wish to interrupt as well?

"No."

Um... good. Alright, now we shall continue!

Once the merchant loaded two ships with precious merchandise and sent them beyond the sea with her two elder sons. I, her youngest son, always went to inns and alehouses, and for that reason my mother did not trust me with any business; but when I learned that my brothers had been sent beyond the sea I went to my mother and begged her to allow me to show myself in foreign lands, see people and earn money by my wits.

For a long time my mother refused, saying: "... oh that's me! Um... right! You'll spend everything on drink and come home without your head! However, I see you persist and so I will give you a ship." She then gave to me a ship with the very cheapest cargo- beams, boards and planks.

I made myself ready for the voyage, lifted anchor, and soon I overtook my brothers. We sailed together on the sea for three days, but on the fourth strong winds arose and blew my ship to a remote and unknown island. I told my crew to make for shore. When I stepped out onto the island, I told my crew to wait for me and started walking along a path. I walked and walked until I reached a very high mountain. It was very tiring, da?

I saw that in this mountain there was neither sand nor stone but instead pure Russian salt. I returned to the shore and ordered my sailors to throw all the beams and planks into the water and load the ship with salt. As soon as this was done, I lifted anchor and sailed away.

After some time, a long time or a short time, and after we had sailed some distance, a great distance or a short one, my ship approached a large and wealthy city, sailed into its harbour, and cast anchor. I went into the city to make obeisance to the king of the country and obtain his permission to trade freely, and I took a bundle of my merchandise, Russian salt, to show to the king. My arrival was immediately reported to the sovereign, an Indian man, who summoned me.

The Indian king said, "Hello merchant! Watch out for the sacred cows!"

Ah, that is not your line... oh! It is a cow! How odd...

"Not really, we have them on the roads pretty regularly, even beaches sometimes, they do hold up traffic, but I still love them!"

Well I suppose that's... fine... da? But for now, let's continue the fairy tale, like I am paying you for?

"Right, right, no problem. So... speak! What is your business, what do you want?"

"Just this, your Majesty!" I said, "Permit me to trade freely in your city!"

"Oh, and what goods do you intend to sell here? Perhaps you will sell a variety of goods in some kind of store where you may charge exuberant prices, which we will pay in order to laugh at your funny accent?"

I believe it is America who uses that stereotype for you, not me.

"I don't care! I hate it that whenever I visit him he makes me say 'Thank you, come again'. Who does that?"

Um... well it is America... if it is any consolation; I had him whipped in the last fairy tale.

"Yeah? Great! Oh, right, what goods to you sell?"

"Russian salt, your Majesty," I replied. Now the king had never heard of salt-

"What? Yes I have!"

Um, but in the story you have not so...

"OH, oh right, right, go on then!"

The king had never heard of salt-

"Though obviously I don't need to use that much salt, there's so many better spices to use!"

... right. So the king had never heard of salt-

"Like ginger! And cumin! And turmeric! All can be used in curries!"

Please just let me finish my sentence! The king had never heard of salt, in his kingdom people ate without salt! He wondered what this new and unknown merchandise might be. He asked me to show him the salt and so I opened my bundle and the king glanced at the contents and thought it only to be white sand.

He said to me with a smile, "Brother, this can be had here without money!" And so I left the palace feeling very downcast, and, um, avoided the cows... Then it occurred to me to go to the king's kitchen and see how the cooks prepared meals there and what kind of salt they used, I went in to the kitchen and asked to be allowed to rest for a while. I watched the cooks running back forth, one boiling, one roasting, and one pouring. I saw that they were not in the least concerned with salting the food. I waited until a moment came when everyone else was out of the kitchen and seized the chance to pour the proper amount of salt into all the stews and sauces. The time came to serve the dinner and the first dish was brought in. The king ate of it, and found it savory as never before. The second dish was served and he liked it even better.

"No I don't! It's bland, I'm adding ginger..."

Nyet! You must at least pretend to like it, or the story won't work...

"Phht, fine..."

So the king summoned his cooks and said to them: "Yes, yes okay. I have been king for many years, but never before have you cooked me such savory dishes. How did you do it?"

The cooks answered that they cooked as they always had and did not add anything new, but mentioned that I, the merchant who had asked permission to trade freely, had been sitting in the kitchen and perhaps had added something. And so I was brought before the king to be questioned. I fell on my knees and asked forgiveness.

"Your Majesty, I confess my guilt. I have seasoned all the dishes and sauces with Russian salt. Such is the custom in my country."

"It's custom in your country to break into people's kitchens and season their food?"

Um... da?

"Right. Sure. Okay, and tell me, for how much do you sell this salt?"

I realized that my business was in a fair way and I answered, "It is not very dear, for two measures of salt, one measure of silver and one of gold."

"Very well, I will buy the whole cargo. I guess. Don't know when I'm going to use it all..."

Salt does not go bad; surely you will use some, India.

"I guess. Maybe I'll give it to England. He can't use spices worth a damn so maybe he can pretend his food has flavour if he uses enough salt."

Actually, that is not a bad idea.

"I know. I am highly educated after all. Good luck with the rest of this fairy tale thing."

Spasibo. Now then. I filled my ship with silver and gold and sat down to wait for a favourable wind. It so happened that the Indian king had a Chinese daughter, a beautiful princess called Yao!

"NO-ARU! I WANT NO MORE PART IN THIS!"

Why, Yao-Yao? You look so pretty in that yellow dress...

"I AM NOT A WOMAN-ARU! I have enough trouble convincing people of that without problems like this..."

Now the princess wanted to see the Russian ship and asked her father's permission to go down to the port. She took her nurses, governesses and maidservants with her and drove forth to see my ship.

"DO NOT IGNORE ME-ARU!"

You are so loud today, and I am not ignoring my lovely Yao-Yao! I showed the princess every part of the ship and told her its name, the sails, the rigging, the bow and the stern. Then I led her into the cabin. I ordered my crew to cut away the anchor, hoist the sails, and put out to the sea. Since there was a good tailwind, we were soon out to a good distance from the city. When the princess came up on deck and saw only sea around her, she began to weep. Um, that means you cry, Yao-Yao!

"I'm not a woman-aru! Wh-why does everyone say that..."

Da, like that!

"SH-SHUT UP-ARU! Anyway, this is kidnap!"

Da, but I comforted the princess and urged her to dry her tears. Since I was handsome, she soon smiled and ceased grieving. So it is fine!

"NO IT'S NOT! A-and who says you are handsome-aru? I can do better!"

That's mean Yao-Yao...

"And stop saying my name like that-aru!"

But Yao-Yao, it's cute! Like you!

"I'm NOT cute-aru! I am handsome, like a man-aru!"

Ah... but this is a play! I needed someone to be the princess-

"WHY COULDN'T TAIWAN DO IT-ARU?"

Hmm, well I would have thought you wouldn't want Taiwan to play my love interest...

"Taiwan as your... aiyah... fine. You are... handsome-aru. How far have I fallen..."

Spasibo Yao-Yao! Now then, for some time, a long time or a short time, I sailed on the sea with the lovely princess. Then my elder brothers overtook me, learned of my audacity and good fortune and greatly envied me.

"ANIKI! DA-ZEE!"

"AIYAH! Get off me-aru!

"YOUR BREASTS BELONG TO ME!"

Nyet! Yao-Yao's breasts belong to me!

"MY BREASTS BELONG TO NO ONE-ARU! Ah! I mean- I DON'T HAVE BREASTS!"

Anyway~ my brothers came aboard my ship, seized me by my arms- da like that! Uh... oh... fine... and they um... they threw me overbo- OOOARD!

"DA-ZEE!"

"Ah, A- ARE YOU ALRIGHT-ARU?"

Um... I'm fine... wet... but I can tread water. Now then, um, the brothers cast lots between them and divided the booty. The eldest brother took the princess-

"I-I get Aniki da-zee?"

"No... NO NO NO NO NO-ARU!"

"ANIKI!"

"GET OFF! OH GOD GET HIM OFF-ARU!"

"DA ZEE!"

And the second brother took the ship full of silver and gold, da?

"If you say so."

Da, I do! Now it happened that when they flung me from the sjip I saw one of the boards that I myself had thrown into the sea! A nice coincidence, da? So I clutched this board and for a long time drifted on it above the depths of the sea. Finally I was carried to an unknown island. I went ashore and walked along the beach. I there met a giant with an enormous mustache, on which was hung her mittens, which she was drying thus after the rain!

"... I'm a girl."

Da, Vietnam!

"You promised to send me Diablo III free if charge if I did this."

Da, I did, it's being mailed to your house as we speak!

"You did NOT mention I'd be wearing a mustache. Also, why are you tiny?"

Well actually, you're just rather big, due to the nature of being a giant and all.

"I'm assuming the giant was supposed to be a male, huh?"

Well, technically yes. I was going to enlist Japan to do that, but when I went to his house I could not find him! I did however get several poison darts and shuriken stars thrown at my head from an unknown source. I then decided to see if you would do it instead, da?

"... whatever, as long as I'm paid well."

As I said, the game is on the way. So, you will say your line then?

"Yeah, yeah... What do you want here on my island?" I told her everything that had happened. "If you so desire, I will carry you home. Tomorrow your eldest brother is to marry the princess. Sit on my back."

She took me up in her hands, set me on her back and ran across the sea. She brought me to my native land, put me on the ground, and said: "Now promise that you will not boast to anyone about having ridden on my back. Seriously. Ever. If you do, I will crush you. With my paddle. It's right here, and I can wield it better than a Wii remote."

That is actually quite scary... um... but... "Thank you, giant! I shall not boast." I then set out on the homeward journey. When I arrived, everyone was already at the wedding table, preparing to go to the church. As soon as the beautiful princess saw me, she jumped from her seat and threw herself on my neck. ACK! Aaah like th-that but s-sort of ch-choking! CHOKING!

"GET ME AWAY FROM HIM-ARU! HE KEEPS TOUCHING- I-I AM HIS BROTHER! SAVE ME-ARU!"

"ANIKI! WE ARE GETTING MARRIED DA ZEE!"

I feel as though I can sympathise with this situation... and that makes me feel like shuddering... ahem. Right, so, the merchant said: "... Oh! My line! Um, What is this? I was told my youngest son was dead! ... Um, China, am I in trouble for helping Russia with this?"

"Ah... no-aru, Russia is... is... difficult to refuse apparently..."

Da!

"Quit snuggling me-aru!"

Anyway~ I told my merchant mother everything, how I had traded in salt, how I had carried off the princess, how my elder brothers had pushed me into the sea. My mother was very angry at my elder brothers and drove them out of the house-

"AH! DA ZEE! QUIT CHASING ME! HOW ARE YOU SO SCARY? ANIKI I WILL BE BACK FOR YOU!"

"P-please don't-aru!"

"There's no need to chase, I'm going..."

"G-good! Right, so um, is the story over yet, Russia?"

Not quite, we're getting there. Now then, the merchant having driven out the treacherous brothers then married myself to the princess.

"W-what? I am NOT marrying you-aru!"

Silly Yao-Yao, it won't be legally binding! Unless you want it to be, da? Because if you ever want to become one, you need only say the word!

"I DO NOT WANT TO BE ONE-ARU!"

Da, well, if these marriages in fairy tales were binding I would be a polygamist. But I am not. So anyway, we two were married and a gay feast began. The guests got drunk and began to boast, some about their strength, some about their wealth, and some about the beauty of their young wives. Though none were more beautiful than Yao-Yao!

"I AM HANDSOME-ARU!"

Da! But I sat and sat and drank and drank and... *hic* drank, and then I BOASTED! "What are your boasts worth? I have something real to boast about! I rode horseback on a Vietnamese giant across the entire sea!"

The moment I said these words, the giant appeared at the gate.

"V-Vietnam-aru? What is the mustache..."

"DON'T say anything. YOU! RUSSIA! I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY THAT! Now what have you done?"

"Forgive me!" I said, "It was not I who boasted, but my drunkenness!"

"Oh really? Well show me then! What do you mean by drunkenness?"

"A-are you serious-aru?"

Shh Yao-Yao! Now then, I gave orders that a hundred gallon barrel of wine and a hundred gallon barrel of beer be brought. The Vietnamese giant drank the wine and the beer and-

"WHERE IS AMERICA? I'M GOING TO FUCK HIM UP!"

Um...

"IN HALO!"

Oh!

"HE WILL CRY MY NAME IN AGONY!"

Uh...

"AS I TEABAG HIM! I'LL SHOW HIM WHO'S FUCKING AWESOME!"

Well... um... so the giant got drunk and began to break up and ruin everything in her path. She knocked down trees and bushes and tore big houses asunder and also managed to beat America in both Halo and Call of Duty online so hard that he went crying to his president about it. He was told to suck it up. Finally the giant fell down and slept for three days and nights without awakening. During this time I obviously consummated my relationship with my wife so...

"AH! NO-ARU! I-I don't want-"

Are you sure?

"TAIWAN IS RIGHT THERE-ARU!"

"Um, well, you see, I think if I film this Elizaveta would probably pay a lot for it and... well..."

"Damn it-aru... How does she corrupt every female nation in the world?"

I... do not know, da? She has not corrupted my sisters to my knowledge... perhaps it would be better if she did... er... anyway, at least we are not related Yao-Yao!

"EEEEEP-ARU!"

And so after those three days where I loved my princess very much; and of course she enjoyed herself in the end.

"..."

You're so red Yao-Yao! Cute~ Though Matvey might've been a little cuter...

"N-not... cute... aru... wait! Who the hell is 'Matvey'?"

Yao-Yao is jealous! Yay! Oh, hush for now; I will be with you in a moment. So the giant finally awoke and was shown all the damage she had done. The giant was terribly surprised-

"Damn right I'm surprised! I should've beaten America so hard he went crying to his mommy..."

Well, England has been a bit busy lately. He is making plans for my next fairy tale, da?

"Oh."

Anyway, she was surprised and said: "Oh, right okay. Well, Ivan, son of the merchant, now I know what drunkenness is. Henceforth you may boast about me all you like. Only don't. Because I seriously will paddle you. And it will be way less sexy then you probably think."

I, um, I didn't really think it would be sexy. Perhaps I should try it on Yao-Yao to see!

"NO! VIETNAM, WHY WOULD YOU GIVE HIM IDEAS-ARU?"

"I don't know. I'm going to go play Diablo III. It better be good."

I hope so too... um... da. I'm off to play with my princess, so until next time I hope my readers will stay wonderful and I will get around to becoming one with you all eventually! All will be one with Mother Russia!

"L-LET GO-ARU! Let... oh... fine..."

Yay! Yao-Yao gave in! See my readers later! Do svidaniya!

((Joyful Note: Yes... I used some minor Hetalia characters that I had to figure out how to perform as. I'm good with Vietnam. I think she worked out well. I liked Taiwan okay... not much to work other than the fact she's supposed to be stubborn and nervous and views China as a teacher. I guess I did that... India I'm good with I guess... but Hong Kong... well... there wasn't much chance for him to do much in this... but if anything I hope I hit my Asian quota. Odds are I won't have Taiwan, Hong Kong or India in future stories but I think I like my Vietnam. She may return. We shall see.))