A/N: Thank you SO much for all the wonderful feedback! You guys are amazing. I really appreciate each and every comment. It really inspires me to keep writing. So, please continue to read and review! Thanks so much:)


Chapter Eleven:

Three days later, Jude had slowly begun to become accustomed to the idea of staying in Toronto. She had called Mike in LA who had graciously agreed to ship all of her stuff back home. She had also begun looking for an apartment of her own, knowing that she couldn't stay at Sadie and Kwest's for too much longer, especially with the baby coming. It wasn't their fault, but being around her pregnant sister was far from easy. It started a succession of memories in her brain that she wasn't ready to confront. Not yet.

Another confrontation she was dreading was the inevitable one with her estranged husband. She'd managed to avoid Tommy altogether, but she knew she couldn't do that for much longer. It wasn't realistic, especially when he kept inundating her phone with messages. She had needed a few days to get things in order before talking to him. In fact, after running a few errands, she was now on the way to G-Major, prepared, in more ways than one, to see him.

She felt a pang in her heart as she pulled into the parking lot and saw the familiar Viper. So, he still had that damn car; it was the first time she'd seen it since she'd been back and she was hit by a wave of nostalgia just looking at it. She loved that car, even now. After all, it wasn't the car's fault that her relationship with Tommy had crumbled to pieces.

She parked on the opposite side of the lot and rushed by the Viper as quickly as she could, not allowing her brain to focus on any of the many times she had ridden in that car. Or the other, more scandalous, things she and Tommy had done in that car.

She pushed the doors open, focusing on the two goals she'd set for herself for this visit to G-Major. Neither one of them would be easy, but both were necessary in order for her to maintain her sanity. A little later on today, she'd be meeting SME to start doing some work with them, but first, she needed to get these two things over with. Before she lost her nerve to do them at all.

She eyed Darius's door, figuring she'd tackle her discussion with him first. As she stood outside his door, she took a deep breath and channeled, as best as she could, the feisty Jude she used to be. And, before she could change her mind, she barged in D's office, without knocking, and marched straight up to his desk.

"Jude!" Darius looked up, clearly surprised to see her standing in front of his desk.

"I'm my own producer. No one hears my music until I'm ready for them to. I have complete control over my songs and if I need help I'll ask whomever I want to help me." She blurted out her demands, forcing her voice to be strong and her body to be still. She wouldn't show him that she was nervous. Actually, terrified was more like it.

Darius couldn't help but smile at the Jude who stood in front of him. It was the strong, determined Jude he remembered so well. The one who didn't pull any punches. The one he remembered and loved like she was his own daughter. He had known that no matter what happened to Jude, that part of her would always be there, and apparently so did Jude.

"Fine. But as usual, I get the last say on whether the song is good enough. Once you're ready to play it for me, of course."

"Okay," she conceded, prepared for that stipulation from Darius. "And one album. No more. And then I'm done singing. But if I like producing SME, I'll stay on in that role."

Darius nodded in agreement and watched as Jude turned on her heels and strode confidently out of his office. He had to admit he was glad she didn't hate him, not that he would have blamed her if she did. He couldn't help but laugh at the little scene that had just played out. He didn't claim to know everything, but there were a few things he was sure about. One, music wasn't just about music. You always had to think about the financial aspect, and he was good at that part. So, if anyone asked, that's exactly what he had done with Jude. A cold, calculating business move. But, there was something else, even more important, that he knew. Jude Harrison Quincy was born to sing. And whether she wanted to deny it or not, he wasn't going to allow her to hide it. When he looked in her eyes the few times he'd seen her since she came back, he could see that she was dying inside. And he would have bet his entire fortune that it was because she'd given up on singing. Singing wasn't just a job for Jude. He knew that better than almost anyone. It was the way she kept her sanity, the way she dealt with the world around her; it was also her oasis. And even if he looked like the world's biggest asshole, he wasn't going to stand around and watch Jude, the brightest star he'd ever worked with, slowly, quietly, wither away.


Jude exhaled deeply and relaxed against the wall outside of Darius's office. One down, one more to go, she thought to herself.

She glanced across the lobby to see Tommy alone in Studio A, setting up for his next artist. As she watched him, she realized that she still knew his entire routine. As he took a sip from his large coffee, a habit he'd undoubtedly picked up from her somewhere along the way, she knew the next thing he'd do was set the controls on the soundboard. And she could pick out, to the minute, how long it would take him. She counted mentally, knowing the second he would stand up to move into the recording booth to set up the microphone. She felt the warmth and comfort in this familiarity, in knowing him so completely, returning life to her cold, paralyzed heart.

She shook her head slightly, forcing herself out of her trance. She couldn't let herself think like that anymore. She wasn't supposed to know him so well. She was supposed to have forgotten his quirks and idiosyncratic habits.

She clutched the manila envelope, one she'd picked up that very morning during her errands, and held it close to her chest. As she carried it across the lobby towards him, she felt like it was weighing her down, slowing her approach. She'd called her lawyer a couple nights ago, after making the decision to resolve things once and for all, and asked him to prepare the papers. They'd finally been ready this morning.

Before she changed her mind, she knocked on the glass studio door.

His head snapped up from the guitar he was tuning, the surprise of seeing her evident on his face. Considering it was apparent she'd been obviously avoiding him since their last run-in, there was no wonder it was a bit surprising that now she was actually seeking him out. He motioned for her to come in, so she opened the glass door and walked towards the recording booth. She stopped in the doorway, not wanting to feel his presence any closer. It was already torturous enough standing within five feet of him in that setting. They'd made beautiful, heart-wrenching music in that very room. Through their shared love of the music and the time they'd spent in that recording booth, they had grown closer than she thought any two people could. And now, the distance between them was palpable. It hurt; she actually felt the physical ache, starting in her chest and spreading towards her throat where it threatened to choke her. She avoided his eyes, instead looking anywhere but directly at him.

"Jude... I'm so sorr-" he began, but she interrupted him before he could continue with his apology. An apology that wouldn't change anything.

"Tommy, I… I'm not here about the fight. We were both out of line the other day. Anyway, it's not important. Not anymore." She sighed, reaching the part that was the hardest to say. "I came to give you this." She held out the envelope and couldn't resist gauging his reaction as her eyes searched his. Eyes that held confusion and regret met hers, eyes that made her heart ache even more.

He stood up, leaning the guitar against the wall. He approached her slowly, as if he thought he would scare her away if he moved too quickly. He took the envelope from her, and she made sure that their hands did not graze as he took possession of the envelope. Her hands were visibly shaking and she immediately withdrew them to hide her nervousness from him. He stood only a foot from her, and she crept back into the doorway as far as she could in order to put some distance between them.

She watched as he opened the envelope and took out the booklet of pages. His eyes immediately zoned in on the first words, indicating what exactly this document was.

She tried to find her voice, channeling as much strength as she could find within herself. Regardless, she could still hear her voice cracking as she spoke. "It's called a joint divorce. We both sign it, and I'll file it. And then...it's done."

He hadn't looked up from the papers yet, and she couldn't bear the uncomfortable silence so she continued to ramble. "Since we've been technically separated for over a year, it's called a no-fault divorce. At least, that's what the lawyer told me."

He finally looked up, hurt and determination in his eyes. She knew then exactly what was coming. "I'm not signing it."

She took a deep breath, not wanting a raging argument to develop like the one they'd had at Sadie and Kwest's. "Tommy, I need this to be over. If I'm going to live here again and work here, then I need closure on that part of my life. I need to let it go." She could feel the tears spring to her eyes. Tears she had no intention of shedding in his presence.

"And I need to hold on to it." His voice was low and quiet. His eyes held a vulnerability he'd rarely shared with her before. For weeks before she'd left, looking into his eyes had been like looking directly at a stone wall...he was so cold, emotionless, distant. He'd never been one to be overly forthcoming with his emotions, at least not until she'd broken through some of his barriers, but after...well, after, he'd held so much back from her.She couldn't help but wonder why he'd let her see this vulnerability now, of all times. Even so, like everything else, it didn't change anything. It was much too late for that.

She held on to the last bit of strength she could, as she gripped the doorway for support. "There's nothing left to hold on to. Tommy, we've been apart for two years." She paused for a second, choosing her words carefully. "Most marriages don't survive what we went through." Her voice became quiet as she brought up the one tragedy they would always share. "It's something we can't change. And besides that, there is too much water under the bridge; there's too much that we can't come back from."

Tommy looked away, flicking away an unwanted tear as he tried to keep himself together. Despite everything, she didn't want to cause him any more pain. That was certainly never her intention. There had been enough heartache between them for more than one lifetime, and she wanted it to stop. She just wanted this whole thing to be over; she just didn't want to hurt anymore.

He finally spoke, but her heart dropped when his opinion was unchanged. "I'm not signing it." His voice was quiet but fierce. He strode quickly by her, his body accidently grazing against hers. Her heart rate quickened helplessly and she leaned against the doorway for a minute to stop herself from losing her balance. She desperately wished that he didn't still have the effect of turning the earth on its axis whenever he touched her. It made it harder to focus on the reasons why they couldn't be married when she could barely breathe when she was within five feet of him.

When she finally caught her breath, she followed him and found him sitting behind the soundboard, needlessly adjusting the controls. She picked up the papers that he had placed on the corner of the soundboard and shoved them in front of him again. "Just sign them, and let the past stay in the past." And without another word, she walked quickly out the door.


He threw the papers back towards the corner of the soundboard. He had no intention of signing them. Ever. His parents had divorced when he was a child, but they had been desperately unhappy. He'd been the product of a loveless marriage that was better ending in an amicable divorce. His parents were even friends now. He knew very well that some people were not destined to stay married. But he also knew that he and Jude were not included in that group. If he could go back and fix the mistakes he'd made, like pulling away from her after Chloe died when they'd really needed each other the most, he would. But he couldn't. He couldn't take back how unfairly he'd treated her or how he'd judged her. But that didn't mean he couldn't change the future.

He walked back into the recording booth to finish setting up for Mason's session.

He knew he had a lot of work to do. His behavior had shown her that he couldn't be trusted to be there for her and he had to fix that. He had to get his life back on track; pleading with her to give him another chance just wouldn't work. He had to show Jude that he deserved another chance at being her husband. He just didn't know where to start. He picked up the guitar and continued tuning it as he had been doing before Jude showed up with the papers.

And it was then that an idea hit him.

Music was the key. It was always the answer, at least where he and Jude were concerned.

There was something he had thought about doing long ago when he and Jude were happy, before they gotten the news that sent them reeling. After she had left, he had been too much of a mess to have even pondered it, but now… he felt like maybe he finally could do it. For her and for himself.


She collapsed on the couch in Studio B, completely drained. She knew a divorce was the right thing, the only option that she had left. But it still hurt. It was hard to accept that she and Tommy had come so far only to fail. But it was done. She knew, despite the awful things Tommy had said to her the night she fled, she couldn't heap all the blame on him. She had sealed their fate the moment she had run intending never to return.

She couldn't think of that now. Once Tommy saw the futility of fighting for a hopeless cause and signed the papers, they would be finished for good. She pushed away the overwhelming sadness that threatened to overtake her at that thought. She needed to focus on something else.

She glanced at her watch and realized that SME was not due to come in for another two hours. Since they were going to be sticking around Toronto too, she had given them the morning off to go looking for an apartment. So, she had two hours to do… well, she knew what she should be doing with it.

She grabbed her bag as she stood up and walked slowly into the recording studio. She sat cross-legged on the carpeted floor and took out her journal. The pages were torn and it was pretty beaten up, but she knew she would never throw it out. It was one of the last presents Tommy had given her before things had disintegrated before her eyes, and she knew that she would always hold on to it as a momento of what used to be.

Something about being pregnant had really fueled her inspiration. She'd been over seven months pregnant when she complained one day that her journal was full. And, as if expecting it, he'd pulled out this one, a thick black book with silver edged pages, and handed it to her. There was a special note he'd written to her on in the inside cover, which she could still recite without looking at.

Jude,

Look how far we've come, girl. I'm so proud of everything you've accomplished. This is just one of many journals that will be filled with the beautiful, inspiring music that comes from within your very soul. I'm in awe of you and I always will be. I'm yours, body and soul, for forever and always.

All my love,

Tommy

It was amazing how short forever turned out to be.

She flipped through the pages, wondering if this journal held any songs she would want to put on her CD. She'd had this journal for so long, and it was so full, that she now only used it for special thoughts and songs.

Her finger stopped the pages on one of the last entries and as she skimmed the lines of the song she'd written, she unconsciously held her breath. She slammed the journal shut, not ready to face that song. She couldn't even read it. It had been one of the last songs she'd written that had come directly from her soul. The last outpouring of pure emotion she'd put into a song. She wasn't sure she'd ever be ready to really confront the painful words she'd written.

She stood up, leaving her belongings scattered on the floor, and rushed towards the exit to the back alley. Just breathe, she told herself as her heart raced and her breathing quickened. She slammed the door and leaned against the cool brick, laying her head back against it. The cold outside air felt good against her skin, and her heart rate began to slow to a regular beat.

She was trying so desperately to move on from what had happened, but she wondered if that would ever really be possible. Not when the reality of Chloe's death, and the fallout seemed to confront her at every turn.


Tommy only hesitated a moment before following Jude. He'd caught a glimpse of her almost running towards the back exit and he'd immediately known something was wrong. He could read her face, even from that distance and the look was one of grief and pain. And he knew immediately what she must be thinking about.

He dismissed Mason, telling him to take a break, and jogged towards the exit, preparing himself for the real possibility that she wouldn't want his support. But he was going to give it anyway. He hadn't been there for her over two years ago when she'd needed him; he was going to do his best to be there for her now.

He pushed the door open, knowing exactly where she'd be. Standing a couple feet down the wall, leaning against it. It's how he always found her when she was frustrated or upset.

He walked outside, and turned his head, confirming his suspicion. She didn't even move or open her eyes. But he knew that she knew he was there. That was just the way things were with them; it was one of those things that would never change, even when they were 105 and could barely see or hear.

And to his utter surprise, the words she spoke were not dismissive or angry for invading her privacy. "I was thinking about her, and it just hit me. The sadness. The overwhelming, crushing sadness. And I just needed some air." She turned her head and he saw the tears filling her eyes. She had no idea why she was telling him this. The words spilled out before she could stop them.

He leaned back against the wall and nodded, understanding exactly what she meant. "For me it's the ultrasound pictures. I can barely stand to look at them anymore."

She nodded and looked away. They stood in silence for a long while, neither one wanting to break the silence or move away from the tentative truce they'd achieved with their few words.

"Look," she finally said, sighing loudly, "I don't want to be mad at you anymore. I don't want to yell. I just want to move on. We can't go back. We can't be what we once were." The finality of her words sent a jolt of panic down his spine.

She took a deep breath. She knew what she was about to do might be foolish or naïve. It was probably stupid and she was probably asking for trouble or giving him the wrong idea. But standing here with him, feeling the comfort of standing in the presence of the only person who had even the smallest idea what she was going through, it was the only compromise she could come up with that seemed feasible. "But that doesn't mean I want to ban you from my life."

He felt a flicker of hope rise within him, despite her warning that they were over. "So, what does that make us?"

She paused, thinking over the question. Honestly, she couldn't form a logical answer. Was he a friend? An acquaintance? Neither of these terms seemed to fit. "I honestly don't know…" She said, pushing herself off the wall and heading back inside.


He watched her step back inside but his thoughts were still on the short conversation they had just had. Not so much on the words themselves, although they were important. But when she'd said that she just wanted to move on, he saw a flicker of something in her eyes that frightened him. There was deep-seeded hurt, almost betrayal. That scared him. He'd done a lot of stupid things, but he really had no clue what would have affected her so deeply.

He needed a plan. He already had an idea of what he was going to do to show her that he was moving in a positive direction with his life. Now, he needed to start earning her trust so that he could find out how to mend the fences that he had apparently burned down. And of course, get her to stop the divorce proceedings. Piece of cake, right?

He sighed loudly at the task ahead of him. But he knew it would be worth it. Having Jude back in his life, in their house and in his arms, and earning his way back into her heart... it was the most important thing he would ever do.