Disclaimer: All the characters you recognize from the Stephanie Plum books belong to Janet Evanovich.

A/N: This story isn't beta'ed. Any grammar faults or spelling errors are not to be considered flaws or defects but enhance the individual beauty : )

Sometimes it's necessary to heal seperately before considering a serious relationship because otherwise it's prone to fail. Steph realizes that and with the help of two new friends she tackles her issues to become stronger and more confident.


Chapter 12 – Growing Stronger

December 6th, exactly one year after Hal's attempted suicide

Flashback…

Two weeks had passed since that cursed night that shook up the deep blossoming friendship between Hal and Steph. Two long, hard and grounding weeks. That night, when Steph was finally home, no resilience in the world could have stopped the nervous breakdown distressing her. All the carefully built walls of fake strength and cheeriness crumbled, leaving her lying on her bed in a heap of misery. It wasn't necessarily Hal's words; her life as a whole simply sucked. So many people tossed her around as though it was a game and she was the ball; but most important, she let them. There wasn't anybody else responsible but she herself. Major changes were necessary and for the first time in her life Steph felt no desire to flee to Denial Land. She was fed up. Suffering from her emotional pain, she wasn't aware of the two men silently entering her apartment until Cal and Ram appeared in the doorframe to her bedroom. It was the moment her healing process started.

The two men stayed the whole night, quietly talking to her, holding her in their strong arms, sharing her bed, and she learned one of the best kept secrets within the Rangeman company. Cal and Ram were in love with each other, deeply. Their relationship started fifteen years ago and they'd gotten married nearly five years ago after they both left the military. No one aside from her knew, not even the core team.

The next morning came and they dragged her out of bed and to the Aquatics Center. There was no sign of Bobby or Hal. It seemed Hal had drunken himself sick after she left the night before. At that point, nobody could see how deep he'd fall into depression or that he wouldn't be seen again. Steph worried about him; but as Vince said the night before, she had to take care of her own problems. Hal's fight wasn't hers.

Cal, Ram and she had a great training filled with play, fun and laughter and for a while Steph could forget the dark storm in her heart. Afterwards, they took her for a huge breakfast at the Pancake House and together they made plans for her immediate future. It was exactly the support and love she needed. She would continue her swim training for endurance, in addition Cal would train her in self-defense and she bravely agreed to gun training with Ram. The hardest part wasn't the shooting training but agreeing to the additional training in general. As though they'd know what was going on in her, Cal and Ram proved to be the best because they suggested working with her outside the Rangeman building. It was the perfect solution. Steph was gun-shy, didn't want to feel the eyes of the other guys on her while she stumbled over the mats or missed one target after the other. Every day for the past two weeks she'd spent time with one or both of them. On the weekends, Ram and Cal took her to their beach house at Seaside Heights to relax and for some self-discovery. For the first time in her life Steph felt like she was really in control and accomplishing something.

End of flashback...

Steph stood in front of her mirror and narrowed her eyes at the wild curls framing her face. It was a quarter to six in the morning; but she'd surprisingly gotten used to getting up this early. Trying to tame her bed hair into an acceptable ponytail, she smiled when there was a soft knock at her front door.

"Come in," she hollered and heard her locks tumble a moment later.

"Steph?"

"Bathroom."

"Hey Sweetie," Cal hugged her from behind and rested his head on top of hers, watching their reflection in the mirror. "You are so absolutely beautiful. Wild and uncontrollable like a blaze," he whispered adoringly before pressing a loving kiss to her cheek and vanishing toward the kitchen.

"Will Hal be with us today?" Steph asked as every morning when she stepped into his arms, grabbing a mug of fresh coffee in the process.

Cal shook his head no and she saw her worry mirrored in his eyes.

"For the past two weeks, he's been hunkered down in his apartment, Cal. Today is the anniversary of his attempted suicide. Christmas will be here soon, the holidays have the highest suicide rate. I'm really scared for him."

"Me and Ram, too, sweetie. We are all alarmed. Bobby and Vince are with him nearly 24/7 trying to get him out of his apartment and to work up on five. The Rangeman therapist saw him three times each week; but Bobby is seriously thinking about the benefits of a stay in Philly. Hal would be with others in similar conditions. Perhaps being around like-affected people will help him tackle this new depressive episode."

"I'll talk to him."

"Sweetie, I'm not sure that's a good idea after what happened."

"Cal, I miss him like hell. He was in a semi good place until the two of us clashed. I won't allow him to pull an ostrich because of me. He loves me, I gravitate towards him. If he wants a chance with me, he needs to get a grip and work on his problems as I'm working on mine. Period."

#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~

After a whole hour of focused swim training, Steph felt dead on her feet; but also incredibly satisfied. She and Cal were sitting in the Pancake House waiting for their order when Ram surprisingly joined them. He bent down to kiss her cheek and Steph's mouth fell open when he also pressed a soft kiss on Cal's lips. It was the first time she'd ever seen them being affectionate in public.

"It's all you, Sweetie," Cal smiled happily. "You are so accepting. You make us relax and enjoy our love for each other. Everything is easy when you're around us."

Breakfast was a beautiful affair with Steph enjoying her huge stack of pancakes while Cal and Ram stuck to some fruit salads with yoghurt. They never once tried to make her eat healthier and she loved them even more for that.

"Steph," Ram took her free hand and entwined their fingers once he had finished his fruits. "You know Christmas is in a few weeks and you haven't mentioned anything about going to your parents so Cal and I wondered whether you'd like to celebrate with us at Seaside Heights. We'd really love to have you with us."

His brown eyes were so soft and loving that Steph had to gulp.

"I'd love to," she jumped up with glee, squeezed herself onto his lap and hugged him hard until Cal cleared his throat and with open arms ordered his own hug. "I thought about going to my parents; but only because I didn't want to be alone. Being with you two will be a thousand times better," Steph beamed. "But what about Hal? I'm worried to leave him alone in Trenton."

"He won't be alone, Sweetie. Bobby and Vince will both be with him and we'll drive over in the afternoon and try to pick him up for a Christmas concert to get him out of the building. I met Bobby in the gym earlier and he said should there be any reason to believe that Hal could be struck by some stupid ideas he would personally bring him back to Philly. They know his case and can get him the care and support he needs better than we can. Bobby won't take any chances," Ram soothed her.

"I will talk to Hal later when I'm in the office," Steph nodded. "Cal isn't sure it's a good idea; but I can't deal with him suffering because of me. These past two weeks he hid out I've missed him so much. I long for him and I want my Hal back; but that can only happen when he gets a grip on his life."

Ram's smile was warm and full of affection as he brushed a wayward curl behind her ear that had sprung out of her ponytail. "You listen to you heart, Sweetie, and do what it tells you. It will lead you the right way," he gently caressed her face and pressed a tender kiss to the side of her head.

Two weeks ago she'd been sure that behind Ram's calm, always composed Sniper exterior hid a wonderful friend; but never would she have guessed that he was this gentle and tender. He'd been her go-to man whenever she needed comfort or a hug in these past two weeks and he generously shared his heart with her.

"Guys," Steph uncomfortably played with the hem of her sweater. "Don't flip out," she cleared her throat, "but would one of you perhaps be willing to go after a skip with me?" Uncertain she lifted her eyes and looked into the blinding smiles of her two friends.

"Are you serious, Steph? I'd love to," Ram beamed over his whole face. "Does that mean you are finally ready to ask for help when needed?" He grabbed her hand and squeezed it.

Shrugging her shoulders, Steph blushed and picked invisible fluff from her sweater. "I guess I'm finally growing up and with you it feels comfortable. We've become so close; you've seen me at my worst and loved me only more. For the first time I don't feel like a failure when asking for help. My whole life I spent with hearing from my mother that I'm not good enough. All I ever wanted was to prove myself and my pride got in the way of asking for help."

"What do you mean your pride got in the way?" Cal had picked up her other hand and softly drew small circles on the back.

"It's like… see… if I ask for help and get it, the accomplishments aren't solely mine. Asking for help proves me failing to do it on my own."

"Sweetie," Cal sighed and pulled her over onto his lap. "Do you still feel like that?" He put his head on her shoulder and nuzzled her ear.

"A little, yes," she shrugged, "but I can hardly tell Hal to ask for and accept help when I'm not willing to do so myself, right? It's time to grow some balls," she smiled shyly.

"Sweetie, you know you don't have to answer and we'll be the last on earth to judge; but… what's the deal with Hal?" Ram asked, watching his husband snuggling with Steph across from him.

"I don't know… I really don't," Steph played with Cal's napkin to give her hands something to do. "Hal's as wonderful and comfortable as a million thread sheet or your favorite sweater. Everything is easy with him and I feel incredibly safe and secure when he's around. He's pushed Ranger from his pedestal as best friend because Hal shares everything with me – his past, his heart, his dreams, his troubles, his good and bad days. He doesn't let me hide but calls me out for it and whatever the problem is, no matter how small it is, he's right there by my side to help me work through it. He's… amazing," Steph bit her lip. "That first day at the Aquatics Center when he lifted me out of the water, I felt a tingle surge through my body and when he held me in his arms afterwards, I wished for a moment he'd kiss me," she blushed. "Now, everything's so complicated. It was so much easier when I didn't have to think about it. All I can do now is beat my brain about him and me and us."

Cal's arms pulled Steph backwards against his broad chest and she felt him press a kiss to her neck.

"Don't overthink it," Ram said from across the table. "What will be, will be. The moment you try to influence fate, everything will go south. Believe me, I learned that lesson the hard way," he winked at Cal. "I grew up in a very small, very religious community. All I wanted to be was a good catholic boy with a wife and 2.5 kids my parents could be proud of. Every pull I felt to that moron over there," he nodded smiling toward Cal, "was adamantly fought. To what avail? I was so distracted that an ambush nearly cost me my life if it hadn't been for Cal pushing me down and covering my body with his. It was the beginning of our relationship. You can't fight what's already written down in the books."

~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~

Several hours later, Ram's words still lingering in her mind, Steph descended the stairwell to Hal's apartment. She was tired, her head and eyes hurting after a long day of searches. Everything in her longed for Hal's warm and strong embrace if things were just different between them. Knocking at his door, she was surprised to see Bobby opening it.

"Hey Honey," he stepped forward, hugged her and pressed a kiss to the side of her head. "Cal sent me a text you'd come down. Hal is in the bedroom. He's not in a good frame of mind. I will step out to give you privacy; but keep it civil. No one will be here to save him and I don't want you to spend Christmas in a cell waiting to be arraigned on murder charges."

Steph punched him in the arm, smiling at his proclamation of pain, and shut the door in his astounded face. Yep, she had definitely gained strength in these past two weeks.

"Hal?" She called out softly after knocking at the bedroom door. "It's me, Steph. May I come in?"

An undistinguishable grunt made her hesitantly step into the dimly lit room. Hal lay on his bed, his face turned toward her and the anguish written all over it broke her heart. It didn't matter who was right or that he'd behaved like an ass, she had to mend things between them. Being the reason for this pain killed her. Choosing her steps carefully, never leaving his eyes, Steph slowly found her way over to his bed and stopped. So many words they couldn't say were communicated with their eyes; pain, sorrow, affection and the plea for forgiveness. Vince, Cal, Ram, they all had told her to listen to her heart so Steph shucked off her boots, cautiously climbed onto the bed and cuddled up to Hal. No words were needed, no questions asked, no permissions given. They were two lost souls finding comfort in the presence of the other. When Hal's arms came around Steph's back, pulling her closer into him, the tears of relief were overwhelming.

"I'm so sorry, Angel; so incredibly sorry. I was an ass and I hurt and pushed away the one person I love most in this world next to Jerry. I don't know how to repair what I did to you."

"There's nothing to repair, Hal. My anger over your words lasted exactly until I was back at my apartment and had a nervous breakdown. Since then I've just terribly missed you."

Neither of them lifted their head or interacted other than keeping close body contact. It felt so good; as though they were finally home again.

"It kills me to think that I'm the cause of such pain in you that you broke down," Hal eventually whispered.

"It was necessary; a turning point for me. Lots of things have changed these past two weeks. Cal and Ram picked me up and brushed me off. We've become close friends. They are training me, you know? I'll spend my vacation over Christmas and New Year's Eve with them at their beach house," Steph hesitated. "There's a painful, empty hole in my heart where you used to be; but otherwise I'm fine."

She felt his chest quiver and looked up to see silent tears running down his cheek.

"So that's it, right?" Hal's voice sounded agonized. "I messed up and lost you forever."

"That's not what I meant," Steph wiped away the witnesses of his anguish, "but I can't fight your battle and drag you along with me. You need to stand up and be your own man. What happened to the Hal that came home from Philly and was full of zest for his life?"

Just when Steph thought he wouldn't answer her, Hal started to talk again.

"The more I fell in love with you, the more I yearned for you at my side, the more I became painfully aware of all my shortcomings. From day to day I felt the darkness creep closer to me and then one day it sucked me in."

Steph put her head back down onto his chest and tried to reign in the thoughts assaulting her mind.

"Do you remember our first morning at the Aquatics Center? You enveloped me in your arms after I finished my first lane. That moment, I looked at your lips and wished you'd kiss me. The feeling of our chests pressed together in the water, slick, with nothing but the thin cloth of my bathing suit separating us sent tingles through my body. I didn't feel all-consuming love; but I realized that morning that there was a growing attraction. If you'd just given those feelings time to grow, who knows; but yeah… you messed that up."

"Fuck… Where does that leave us?" Hal's hand started to move in slow circles at the small of Steph's back.

"Well, doing this circle-thingy at my back is a first step," she snuggled even closer to him. "Aside from that you need to get a grip on your life, Hal. You are longing for the good old days, when you were a top-notch fighting machine and nobody could easily get the upper hand on you. As hard as it is, that time is over and it will never come back. You have to accept that and move on."

"Do you have a clue how hard that is?"

"After I shared the past year with you, celebrating the highs and pushing you through the lows, I think I at least got an impression. On a smaller scale I'm doing the same – saying good-bye to the past and molding my future. After we are done we won't just be Hal and Steph reloaded but the upgrade 2.1," she smiled.

Hal kept silent.

"Go out there and start living again," Steph continued. "Aside from our swim training and that two visits at my place you haven't left the building once since you came back in August and we have December. I'd be stir-crazy by now. You can do everything you want, Hal. Sports, hobbies. Please, try it."

"Will that help to mend us?"

"Yes," Steph nodded against his chest. "Very much."