XII.
They arrived at his place and the security detail ordered by Jordan had already searched the floor, giving them green light to enter the loft and to lock the doors behind them. Kate placed her purse carefully on the chair beside the door and felt Castle's hand on her back nudge her inside, pulling her with him to the kitchen. He sat her down on one of the stools and placed both his hands on her shoulders, standing behind her and pulling her softly against his chest to kiss the top of her head.
He knew she was only allowing his gestures because of her exhaustion, but he took the chance to revel in the smell of her hair, its softness, and the bony yet tender structure of her shoulders. He leaned down and pressed his mouth against her ear, not too close to avoid scaring her, but close enough so that she could feel the vibration of his words against her skin.
"You're safe here, Kate. I promise." he whispered and felt her nod. Castle placed a soft kiss on the side of her head and moved around the kicthen island, taking a bottle of red wine from its place at the display and opening it expertly. Kate watched as he moved around the kitchen to fetch them two wine glasses and pouring the red liquid into them.
"Thanks." she whispered as he extended the wine glass in her direction. "You didn't have to do this."
"No, but I want to." he smiled at her and she reciprocated the gesture, taking a sip from the wine and allowing it to dull her senses. "You're sleeping in my bed, I'll stay in the study."
"No, no way." She shook her head vehemently. "I'll sleep on the couch."
"No." he said, and she'd never seen him look so stern. "You're staying in my bed, which is just across the hallway, in case you need something. I'll stay in the study. I stay there a lot because of my writing, so you won't be pushing me out of my bed or anything."
Like before, she was too tired to argue. She nodded and gulped down her wine, moving away from the kitchen island. "Show me the room?" she asked him softly, and Castle followed her down the hallway, opening the door to his bedroom and letting her in. He went to his dresser and pulled out a burgundy shirt, extending it to her.
"It's the same from when you were here the last time." he said, and she managed to smile as softly as his words had sounded.
"Thank you." she replied, and he turned to leave. "Not just for the shirt. For everything."
He smiled, a smile so bright that she thought she'd need to sit on the bed. He wanted nothing more than to walk up to her and kiss her forehead in the most tender way he could. He didn't, though. He stood just where he was, still smiling.
"I'll be right down the hallway, in case you need me." he said and walked out, leaving an exhausted Kate behind him.
It seemed like he had just fallen asleep when a small crash jolted him awake. He got up from the couch hastily, dropping the book he was reading on the floor, but not even looking back to check it; he was out the door as quickly as he could, when he saw Kate's figure squatting in the kitchen. He approached her and she lifted her head to confirm that it was him; it was so fast that he could barely make out the tear tracks across her cheeks.
She had dropped a glass of water, and now she was trying to pick up the pieces but seemed to have cut herself in the process. The lights were off, so the only light was from the outside, making it hard for him to see her face and to scrutinize her features.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up." she said through gritted teeth, and he could hear the tears in her voice. They made his heart beat faster in his chest as he leaned down and helped her pick up the larger pieces of glass, placing them on the counter. He helped her get off the ground and took her hands in his, examining the cut on her finger. It was superficial, but it still bled a lot. The warm, red fluid was now dripping onto the marble surface of the kitchen island, but he didn't care.
"Castle, go back to bed, I can take care of this myself." she tried to pull her hand away from his, but he didn't let her, turning off on the lights at the switch he had beneath the sink. He examined the cut carefully, making sure there wasn't more glass in it, and then placed her hand carefully on a cloth, walking to the service bathroom to get the first-aid kit.
Kate watched as he moved with confidence. She knew he should have probably done this a thousand times with Alexis, so it wasn't something new, but the two little creatures inside of her head were still battling each other, one wanting her to give in and the other begging her to pull her hand away and to run from that place.
She had woken up after a nightmare, her body covered in sweat and her heart beating so wildly that she needed a glass of water to compose herself again. She had poured herself some of the clear liquid in the kitchen, but the shaking of her hands had made her drop it with a loud crash on to the floor. The anger and fear she felt, combined with the frustration of the nightmare and the need to have someone take care of her were overwhelming her, driving stubborn tears down her face. She hadn't been able to avoid them, but she hadn't broken down completely, so that was a good sign.
Castle came out of the bathroom with the kit in his hands and placed it on the counter, where her hand was still lying against a blood-soaked cloth. He took her hand softly, as if he was holding a small bird, and pressed the peroxide against the wound, making her head fall on to her arms with the pain. It was ridiculous, how a small cut could hurt this much, but Kate imagined that her oversensitive condition was probably part of why it was so painful.
He saw her writhe in pain and blew softly across her skin, trying to ease the burning sensation. When the cut was clean, he placed a pink band-aid with a Disney princess on her finger, bringing her hand up to his mouth to kiss it.
She raised her head and looked at the pink bandage, smiling softly through the tears. "Jasmine. She's my favorite." she whispered, and her eyes returned to his. "Thank you. I didn't mean to be so clumsy."
Castle smiled and extended his arm to her, silently asking her to join him. She took his hand and he walked them to the couch, sitting apart but turned towards each other. Kate allowed her head to fall against the couch and his hand shot up, his thumb wiping the tears that were still lingering on her skin.
It was a tender gesture he'd done over and over again, but this time the significance was heavier. Kate felt her walls crumble one by one as her eyes filled up again and she hid her face in her hands, shame taking over her for breaking down in front of him. He couldn't care less, though; reaching across the sofa, he pulled her closer, mimicking the way they had sat in her apartment, nearly a month before. His hands drew hers away from her face and he watched as he saw the panic finally take over her.
Kate felt it again, and this time she couldn't fight it. It was the numbness of her hands, coupled with the sudden churning of her stomach and the cold in the back of her neck; she started to tremble as her eyes widened and her breathing became ragged, fast. She had to look at Castle and to see the concerned expression on his face to realize that the panic attack that had been looming over her all day was finally taking over her body. It feltwas horrible, like she was going to die. Out of breath, out of control, out of everything she thought could be humanely possible. She couldn't feel anything and yet she felt everything that surrounded her; the cold air from the kitchen, the texture of the sofa beneath her arms and legs, the softness of the shirt she had on. Everything that was internal felt heightened, but the help that was coming from the outside, from Castle's hands on the sides of her face or his soft whispers against her forehead were close to foreign. She knew they were there, but she couldn't let them get to her. No, she'd have to ride this one alone.
Castle went from confident in his ability to help her to terrified in a millisecond. When he saw the color fade from her face and noticed that her breathing was ragged, he did the only thing he could think of. Picking her up from the place she was sitting, he pulled her to his lap, placing her across him and holdingpulling her as close as he possibly could to his own body. She fought his grip at first, but Castle felt her give in after a few seconds, her breathing starting to slow down. He pressed gentle kisses on her temple as he rocked her back and forth like he would a small child, tears making an appearance in his eyes as well. He fought them and was able to contain them, but his breath came out just as ragged as hers.
It was terrifying, for both of them. The strength of the attack had surprised Kate, but the worst part was seeing the lost look on Castle's face as she started to come out of it, the exhaustion making its way into her features. He looked like a small boy who had just lost his pet, like a teenager who had lost his innocence. It was heartbreaking to see, and Kate's eyes filled up with tears again.
"I'm sorry." she whispered.
"I had no idea." he replied, his shaky hands placed on her back, pulling her even closer to his body. "I didn't know that it was this hard for you."
She knew what was happening. The moment she had mentioned to Lanie a few weeks back, the dawning of Sallinger's attack on her was happening now, and she knew she couldn't avoid it.
"Castle." She whispered, and he sniffled, a fewhis tears finally making their way down his face. He felt ridiculous. He was supposed to be the one comforting her, not the other way around. "Rick, I need you to talk to me." She begged.
"I didn't know you had to face something like this alone. I had no idea, Kate." he said, his tone bordering on apologetic, and she shook her head. "I'm so sorry."
"No." She said. "It's not your fault. It happens, shit happens and we can't do anything but to deal with it and move on."
"I wish I could make itthat stop."
"You just did." she whispered, her eyes searching his face. She brought her hand up to caress his cheek slowly, brushing a tear away. Kate looked at him quizzically, and when he was about to ask her what she was thinking, she spoke up. "Can you sleep with me?" She asked.
Instead of replying, he got up from the couch, picking her up effortlessly and carrying her to the bedroom. Beckett hid her face in his neck, inhaling his scent and forcing herself to avoid the thoughts she knew would accompany this kind of intimacy. Was this too much? Was she allowing him to go too deep inside of her chest, into the way she moved and thought and felt? There wasn't much she could do now — she had accepted his comfort and now she was craving more of it.
He placed her down on her feet by the side of the bed, allowing her to enter it on her own while he moved to the other side. The two of them laidaid side by side, both looking up at the ceiling through the dim moonlight.
"Kate?" he asked after almost five minutes of silence.
"Hm?" she hummed her response, and he smiled. He felt brave, suddenly, like he was able to face any battle, any kind of heartbreak to be with her. Castle didn't know whether it was because he was lying in bed with her, if it was the warmth of her body or the fact that she had just allowed him to witness something he was fairly sure no one else had, but he felt bold, and the words began to stumble out of his mouth.
"I want to... Damn. " he said, and her silence allowed him to continue. "I want to love you like I did before. I want to be with you like I was before." he whispered, and he felt her turn to her side, facing him. His hand darted out to find hers and he intertwined their fingers, but he didn't turn.
"Rick." She whispered, but he was on a roll.
"I know I hurt you, but I had my reasons and Alexis was in danger, and I missed you so much, Kate, I couldn't even breathe, I couldn't write or think or —
"I know." she interrupted him, and he finally dared to look at her. Her eyes were moist again, but a small smile was lingering on her features. "Alexis told me why you left. And I wish you had told me then."
"I'm sorry." he whispered again, and she rolled her eyes.
"Stop apologizing." Kate sighed before she continued. "I can't deal with this, Castle, not right now. Not when he's out there."
His silence was heartbreaking, and Kate rose up on her elbow to see him more clearly. "Hey." She nudged him. "I just don't want this — us — to be tainted. I don't want to think back to when we got together and realize it was because Sallinger was out there."
Castle moved, at last, rising up to look at her face. A smile was taking over, now, and he wondered for a second if he'd really heard her say 'when they got together'. It wasn't an if anymore, it was a when.
Still, he saw the fear he'd seen before in there, but there was something else, something defiant. It was more like the Kate he remembered from the times previous to his departure.
"Alright." It was all he could whisper, and as soon as he did, a smile appeared on her face. He cleared his throat before he spoke, but it still came out as a low whisper, an almost embarrassed sound that made the Detective's heart flutter.
"You know when you realize — this is really silly, by the way — but when you realize that there's no point in fighting anymore, in running away?" he asked, and Kate's features darkenedsombered for a second, before she saw the smile that was still on his face. "You and I, Kate, we're going to be together. Eventually. I know that. So I'll wait. I'll be patient and I'll wait for as long as I have to, because I know that you and I can't be apartwill be together, in the end."
Kate's features went from curious to stunned, to a smile so luminous he'd never wanted to see the it leave her face. She placed her hand on his and intertwined their fingers. "You're right." She said. "That's really silly."
Castle opened his mouth in mock offense, but she held his hand tighter before she released it. "And you, Richard Castle, are a sap." She added. "But I do think you got it straightright. So what's the rush?"
"There's no rush." Castle said, leaning back into the pillow and forcing her to do the same. "But we do need to be at the precinct at 8 a.m., so close your eyes and give me your hand. We have some sleep to catch up on to."
His hand moved to the side of his bed as the first waves of consciousness started to rush through him; he half expected to find it empty, but the disappointment was still there, when the tips of his fingers met the still-warm sheets.
The smell, though. His eyes refused to open until the tempting smell of bacon made its way into his senses, and he jumped to sit on the bed like an excited child. Pausing for a second to regain his footing — man, he was getting old — Castle rose to his feet and walked to the master bathroom, checking his image in the mirror and grinning in disgust.
When he made his way into the kitchen, a few minutes later, Castle realized Kate hadn't noticed he was up, so he stood beside the shelf in the living room, observing her. She moved quickly through the small space, somehow familiarized with where everything was stored. He wondered for a moment if she could still recall the places and the cabinets from the nights she'd spent there before he'd left.
What surprised him about the whole scene was the calm with which she moved. Cooking seemed to be close to therapeutic to the Detective, her expression quiet, serene. There was none of the panic from the night before, none of the fear he had so vehemently tried to chase away; there was just a feeling of domesticity that he had never gotten before, not from Kate Beckett.
"I know you're there, Castle." Beckett's voice flew through the air between them and Castle threw his hands up in defeat. He moved towards the kitchen island, approaching her with a smile.
"I think I'm having a dèja vu." he said quietly, and Kate smiled. She knew what he was thinking; her mind, too, flew back to that morning so many moons ago, right after her apartment had exploded.
"It is... strange." she said with a smile, placing a plate with bacon and eggs in front of him and serving some for herself. They sat at the island, and Kate poured them both some coffee. "That was a very strange time."
"It was." Castle took the first bite of his eggs and his eyes flew to the back of his head. "Ohmygodkate." He said with a mouthful, trying to swallow the scalding food. She laughed and threw him a napkin, hitting him square in the face.
"Manners, Castle." she warned, and dug into the food herself.
He swallowed and cleared his throat before he spoke. "I mean it, Beckett. These are awesome." his hand unconsciously moved across the table, coming to rest on hers without him noticing. "You didn't need to cook, though, I could have gotten you something on our way to the precinct."
Kate noticed the contact of their skin first, the heat starting to creep up her chest and her face. Despite her best judgement, however, the Detective didn't pull her hand away. Instead, she turned it around and allowed her fingers to curl into the palm of his hand, feeling the warmth he irradiated. It was only then that Castle seemed to notice the subtle touches, his stream of words stopping abruptly as his eyes darted towards their hands.
He looked from the hands to Kate's face once, then again to their hands and again to her face. He felt like a school boy, caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He didn't know whether to run or to stay, but as he saw the shadow of a smile dance on Kate's features, he stilled his gaze and managed to smile back.
It only took them a few more seconds to slowly and tenderly withdrawn their hands, both sets of fingers extending until they had traced each other's palms and were now ending on the their extremities. It seemed to both Castle and Beckett that it was an awfully intimate moment to share when they weren't even together, but both seemed to shrug the thought away at the same time.
That's when the familiar sound of her cell rang through the room.
Kate moved to pick it up, looking at the screen before pressing the green button. "It's Jordan", she said, and Castle took another bite of his food while the Detective put her phone to her ear. "Jordan, we're just getting ready to go..."
The voice on the other side of the line filled Kate's chest with the sense of panic she thought she had discarded the night before.
"He took her! Oh God, he took her, Kate. Sallinger took her." Jordan said in a low, strangled voice. Kate was almost sure of what the FBI Agent meant, but she had to ask.
"Jordan, talk to me." Kate felt Castle place his fork on the table, and his hand came up again to rest on her arm. "Who did he take?"
"Tessa." Jordan breathed on the other side. "Sallinger took my daughter."
Author's Note:
Alright. You may kill me now. Or not. As you prefer.
I know I promised more regular updates, but I have this music showcase coming up, and everyone's going crazy and turns out I might have to sing with a full orchestra behind me (OH GOD) and I'm panicking, so right now, I'm posting a chapter without having my next one ready. The good news? I'll have most of the day tomorrow to write, so I plan on doing just that, to relax from the pressure of everything else.
I hope you like this chapter — I had a very hard time writing it, I kept editing until five minutes ago, when I threw it all up and decided to let it go like it is. I'm a little afraid of what you might think of them, of their reactions, but I do believe that's how they would come apart. And the good part is, from now on they sort of have a clean slate, you know? Their respective break downs have happened, we can move on from that and start their recovery.
Thank you so very much for your incredible support. I have special thanks for two people: firstly, my fill-in beta, Diana, who so kindly got this chapter ready for me in less than 24 hours. The second person is the amazing daphnebeauty (whose work you should REALLY go read, because it's the best thing since bread came sliced), who was kind enough to promote my fic and to get me a whole bunch of new followers. *waves* Hi guys! Welcome aboard!
Now, click the little button down there and talk to me? I love knowing what you think, and discussing the details of this fic with you guys! :)
