I want to send out a huge thank you to all the guys that are still sticking to this story, I love writing it and I love reading your thoughts and reviews…

I wanted to ask if there is anyone interested in being my Beta, this is my first time, so I'm not familiar with the process, but would really appreciate some help and support

Disclaimer: Not mine

Sleep. That was the only thing I could really think of. No, I didn't start analyzing our conversation, nor did I start making life-altering decisions, and no I did not start baking. I just went to sleep.

I woke up and looked at the time to see it was 5pm, I just sat up in bed and couldn't find it in me to get out of my bedroom, better yet my bed. It was everything I needed; warm but not too hot, clean and crispy but not unfamiliar, soft and welcoming yet just hard enough. Pathetic much?

That is how I found myself 4 hours later eating pie like it was no one's business in my bed, thinking about…Nothing.

This went on for more than I would care to confess, I was not wallowing in misery or anything, I was just lost, anger had become such a constant in my life that being without it for a change felt more or less unsettling rather than comforting.

I realized that for the past year I had become obsessed and attached to all the wrong things (for lack of better words), all I could think about was my past, I kept a constant grip on everything that I had lost, everyone that had hurt me, every concept that bought me enough anger to keep me going. I understand that this was my way of managing my grief and that this was my way of pulling myself together to get through another day.

Despite how bitter, harsh or wrong it may sound, I wouldn't change a thing, because it all gave me what I needed when I needed it. Because even if I had lost my memory I was no where near starting fresh or putting myself on a new path, because there really is no such thing as a clean slate, you either deal with it or it comes back to bite you in the ass.

But I can sit back now, I can make myself happy, I can take that deep breath and start feeling again, after being on a high of anger mixed with self induced numbness.

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3 months later

It had been 3 months since Eric walked out of my home and 3 months since I had made the decision to actually become part of the living world.

I wish I could say it came to me as smooth as I would have expected, but I guess it didn't work that way, my behavior around people was…erratic, I was like a headless chicken; frantic to become social and friendly yet cautious and guarded. I didn't see the pattern at first but with time I noticed my behavior was nothing if not borderline disturbing. But I refused to be hard on myself and accepted that it was a process that would come to me slowly but steadily.

The only awarding human interaction that came to give me some satisfaction was with a colleague of mine called Amelia, She was a bomb of energy that exploded at any given chance, me initiating a conversation with her was that chance, and we became friends instantly, I refused to let her in too much, because she was a bit of a gossip, and I was not willing to become the talk of the town because I needed a close friend, however she was the breath of fresh air I needed and gave me the push I needed to put myself out their not for men but for life.

Since human contact had become somewhat of a challenge I chose to fill up my time with new hobbies, because baking simply wasn't cutting it, besides it was definitely having it's toll on my hips, that's how I found the courage to sign up for yoga. After getting over myself I found it to be what I needed to rid myself of unwanted stress and tension while toning my body and lessening the guilt that I would flounder in after eating a tub of ice cream or pan of pie, let's just say yoga made me happy.

But it wasn't that simple, I was not an island, and to be frank I missed Felix, he was all I had for so long, that being without him really did put me down. Having lost my family, I could always find the love and security I needed between Felix and Eric, but now I had neither, that's how I caved and called Felix. I am not perfect.

Felix had tried to contact me almost every day the first week after I asked him to leave, but realizing I needed space he began to pull away, and his calls became weekly, I wouldn't answer any of his calls, but I could always hear the concern and regret in his voice when he would leave me a voicemail. Hearing his voice was a constant form torture; I was always happy to get his calls and hear his voice because Felix would always be associated with care and affection. But then it would remind me of what he did; choosing his peace of mind over mine…

"Hello, Sookie? Is that you?"

I didn't hesitate to answer.

"Hey Felix, yeah.."

There was silence, for a few seconds on the line; I guess neither of us knew where to go from here. Felix was the one to break the silence, blurting out his next words.

"I'm sorry, I...I miss you so much, I know I was selfish, I know…"

I heard his breathing as he sighed on the phone, I could picture him pinching the bridge of his nose like he always did when he was lost for words, that thought just made me miss him more.

"Can I please come and see you, I don't want to push it, but I really miss you!"

I tried to keep all emotion out of my voice because as much as I missed him and craved his company, he was still going to have his ass handed to him, I was nothing if not stubborn, and he knew it.

"Okay, yeah, why n…"

Before I had a chance to finish he cut me off.

"When can I come?"

The eagerness in his voice was not lost on me, it made me feel a bit better about my phone call, but not good enough to soften my tone.

"If you're free you can come by on Saturday."

"Of course, of course, I'll be there, see you next Saturday."

I could hear the smile in his voice, and I couldn't help but smile a little myself.

"Okay then, Bye."

"Sookie, Thank you."

"It's fine Felix."

"Bye."

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I wasn't sure how I felt about Felix coming over on Saturday, I didn't know if we could fall back into our friendship, that thought troubled me more than I care to admit, but I would just see how things would flow on Saturday.

That night as I was lying in my bed I couldn't help but think of everything, it had become a bad habit of mine, one that I was far too willing to let go of, because sometimes it became too much.

Soon enough I found my mind going into the vicious cycle of 'what if' it was like that sad song that you know always pushes you to the edge and makes your emotions all over the place, but you always find yourself playing it, only to end up in a fetal position going into a fit of ugly crying. I knew that thinking in that rhythm was unhealthy on so many levels I couldn't even fathom, but I think I was entitled to some lousy habits after the shitstorm that hit my life. Oh God.

That always only lead to thoughts of what was to come…the first and foremost notion that would take up my thinking process was motherhood. Than the tears would come, and I would cry myself to sleep.

I though this chapter was a bit necessary to the story, to show where Sookie stands, next chapter will be an EPOV, would like to know your thoughts on Sookie's behavior…