*The Theme played and The Booth came into view. *
"Aw man, I wish we could have stayed in the Digi-world," Chi groused, kicking his once more holographic boot through the desk, too depressed to say that regenengel3 didn't own Red vs Blue. Doc 'patted' his head.
"There there, Chi, now we get to tease the Reds with their genderbent selves. Won't that be fun?"
"Shut up, Doc. You're insane."
"Not quite yet!"
"Shut up and let's get this thing started already!" regenengel3 barked. The two instantly settled down and the author nodded happily.
{Show 11: Femmes the Second}
Now that all the Reds and Blues were in the same room, and Caboose had been calmed down, Rick turned to Dex. Before he could even say a word, Male!Tex showed up and the tech sighed. "Seriously? Seriously?! What the fudge man?! Do you have, like, some weird Freelancer sense that lets you know the most irritating time to interrupt? Because congratulations! You just interrupted one of the weirdest social gatherings ever, of all time, right when I was going to ask Dex for help for the first time in a long time!" he ranted at the genderbent A.I.
/*/
"Man, I feel like I should be used to Savage!Rick by now but dang did he let Male!Tex have it!" Doc declared. Chi chuckled.
"Ho man! Savage!Rick is right! And he has a point! When was the last time he seriously asked Dex for help?"
"Uh... I think it was when they were trying to get power to Valhalla? Maybe?" Doc said, trying to remember that far back. Chi hummed before shrugging.
"Nah, not gonna bother me overly much. Onward!"
/*/
"Is it weird that I'm starting to crush on this guy?" Grif muttered, mostly to herself. Dex chuckled and leaned over to her.
"Crushing on Rick?" he asked, causing Grif to turn away with a faint blush. "Pretty much his entire unit was crushing on him before we fell through that portal so... I'm not too surprised," Dex went on. "Of course, I see him as a brother so... yeah, I'd say its a little weird but then again... what about this situation isn't a little weird?"
/*/
"Wow... Rick had a whole unit crushing on him?"
"Never underestimate the appeal of a straightforward yet sensitive man who wants to make sure you live through the war you inherited."
"That's... really specific."
"Also... no... wait... it's not the basis of Stockholm Syndrome. Hum... Well anyway, women like a guy who gets to the point but knows when to shut up and nod. Also, Rick doesn't take guff from just anyone by this point."
"What point are we at?"
"... Uh... Time has no meaning here?"
"Wait... You mean we could be stuck here... for years?!"
"Well Red vs Blue had you gone for most of a season and when you came back you had a split personality, the insane half being you channeling O'Malley, so it could feel like years..."
"I think I hate you."
"Don't blame me! I'm not the one who wrote your story in the first place, Roosterteeth is! Be mad at them!"
"Roosterteeth, be glad this version of me can't get to you. I'd take a page out of Black's book."
"The Black Book?"
"Why do I feel like that's a reference?"
"If it is, I don't get it!"
"Why do I have a Reference Sense?"
"Because I thought it'd be funny?"
"You're messed up."
"Everyone is made from broken pieces, some of us are just better at fitting them back together."
"How does that apply to you?"
"... Normal is a setting on the washer machine."
"Can we just get back to the show?"
"By all means, Chi. By all means."
/*/
"He has a point," Doughnut said. Dex smiled over at her, still a little uneasy seeing Eagle as a woman, and a tomboy almost-goth at that. Also, he was getting lesbian vibes off of her. It was actually creepier than when Eagle lived up to his pink armor.
"Thank you," he said, pushing his discomfort aside for the sake of his sanity and the health of his alternate team. "Now... someone please tell me she has a nick-name! I refuse to call her 'Private Doughnut.'"
"Funny," Simmons muttered, her voice still managing to squeak like a boy going through puberty, "that's exactly what Grif said." Dex gave her a bland look.
"Sweetheart, I am Grif," he drawled, tossing his arm behind his female counterpart and lounging on the couch beside her, leaning his head toward her shoulder so that their heads were close together. The similarities were uncanny. Simmons let out a tiny yelp and hide behind Sarge. Dex sighed and, having decided to ignore Male!Tex for the time being, much like the rest of the things in the base that were threatening to tear his sanity apart again, turned to Rick. "What were you going to ask for my help with?" he asked.
"I wanted you to help Simmons with her man difficulties," Rick said bluntly. "And yes, I realize how awkward that sounded. Shut up," he added in response to Dex's 'Really dude?' expression.
"And how, exactly, did you think I could help?" he asked flatly, pulling his arm back and resting both elbows on his spread knees, settling into a 'mildly brooding team leader thinking' pose.
"Well, Marley was the one to help me get over my crippling fear of women and she's one of the most terrifying women I know..." Rick began before Dex interrupted with a rather confused expression
"Are you saying that I'm one of the most terrifying men you know?" Dex asked, straightening up in surprise. "Also, how did that work?"
"Yes, I am. And it worked because she treated me like I was worth something. It worked because she slowly drew my personal interests out of me and then encouraged me to follow through on them, to practice them. It worked because she... well. I guess she acted kind of like a mother or a really cool, terrifyingly powerful aunt," Rick explained. Dex shuddered.
"Marley as your mother," he muttered in a horrified tone. "I didn't need to picture that." Rick was singularly unimpressed while Eagle snorted and Tucker couldn't help shuddering. Red flat out laughed.
/*/
"Oh mercy," Doc moaned, sinking to the floor behind the desk. Chi used his Author given powers to pause the video before peering over the wood to regard his partner.
"Would it really have been so bad if Marley had raised Rick?" he asked.
"Consider this... regenengel3 is a mad woman and might actually write that scenario," Doc said. Chi 'blinked.'
"So?"
"Who would she make the father?" Chi paused and thought that over.
"She might just make her a single mother who adopted him."
"And she might go farther," Doc said.
"I don't follow," Chi said.
"Red as the dad or the crazy uncle. Dex being Rick's adoptive twin. Kai and Eagle being Adoption Twins as well. Church being the grumpy older brother to everyone except Dex who is the Big Brother Bear in the house. Tucker being the Male Wild Child. Caboose being the idiot neighbor/Foolish Little Brother. Lopez being the Robo Nanny/Butler. Wash and Carolina being the Older Siblings/Power Couple that are already moved out but still come by for Sunday Dinner."
"Dude... you're putting way too much thought into this," Chi drawled.
"Actually..." regenengel3 drawled from the corner, making Chi flash to the other end of the desk and Doc to curl into a tighter ball on the floor, intermittently whimpering, "that's not a bad idea... discounting Marley adopting all the BGC. Maybe the Reds since she has a sort of soft spot for them. She could be Red's sister or sister-like friend and send checks to help out from time to time while dropping by when he can or sending gifts on important days when he can't. But that will be after we see Louie, check in with JEMC, play with pseudo-magical pirates, torture Mich, backstory Reggie, Mad Medic Beacon, What Happened to Georgia Cali, switch roles, RvB the triplets, burn some Roses, induct Wash (officially), Train Caboose, Orange up Greenie McKnifeface the Merc, Pupife some Commandos, Keep Up with the Arcs, Wibbly-Wobbly Time-Whimy Freelancer, give Caboose a Pen, and play Truth or Dare with the Strike Team... plus other Phantoms." Chi and Doc stared at their authoress. "Not necessarily in that order," she added calmly.
"Truly, you are mad," Doc breathed.
"No, I'm not. You are," regenengel3 declared. "Now MST3K this episode!"
"Should'a known she was an MST3K fan," Chi muttered as Doc pulled himself back into his chair. "What else would you call our current gig?"
"Oh, shut up and watch the madness," Doc groaned, pressing play on the show once more.
/*/
"Could you please just try to help my dimensional sister? At least she's familiar with your dimensional sister," Rick asked flatly. Dex heaved a put-upon sigh but turned to Simmons all the same.
"Your male counterpart is a genius with programming, knives, and pistols but when it comes to people he's a bit of an idiot," the weapons expert told her. "Still, I consider him the brother I never had so... I'll see what I can do. If this crazy scheme is to work, however, you're going to have to put in the effort to conquer your fear. Think you can do that? If not for me, then for yourself?" Simmons looked deep into Dex's tired amber eyes and nodded.
/*/
"Is that subtext I'm seeing?"
"My answer to all the Grimmons out there on the net," regenengel3 told the musing medic. "Maybe, if one of them had been the opposite gender, they would have gotten together but as it is? Not on my account!"
"Account?" Doc and Chi asked, far too interested. Regenengel3 gave them a dour look and vanished once more. Sighing despondently, the two turned back to the unfolding drama.
/*/
Dex gave her a weary smile and a nod of his own. "Alright then. Talk to me. I won't say a word, I won't make a move. All I'm going to do... is listen," he told her. Taking a deep breath... Simmons began to talk. She told about how her mother had wanted her to go to social gathering, find a good man, settle down and raise a family. The traditional Lady of the House. Dex had to try really hard to hold back his snort. As it was, his eyes flickered over to Rick just long enough to catch his horrified expression. Satisfied that Rick was emoting enough for the both of them, Dex bit the inside of his cheek and focused intently on Simmons and what she was telling him. She told him how she loved programming, how she enjoyed the mental exercise of mathematics, how the smell of hot metal made her feel at home. She told the patently listing Dex about how all the boys in school were intimidated by her intelligence, or felt threatened, or were just too slow to keep up. One after another, all the men she knew or talked with put her down, told her she was too smart or too pretty to waste her life working in an office. By the end of her story, Dex was having trouble keeping himself from growling and could only pray his eyes didn't give away his anger.
"Um... Dex?" Simmons said, so soft and scared the weapons expert nearly lost control of his temper.
"I need a moment, Miss Simmons," he ground out before launching himself out of the couch and down the hall.
/*/
"Wow."
"That... was hard to listen to."
"Dex's Brother Bear instincts are fired up."
"I almost feel sorry for that world's men."
"I think 'Knight Templar Big Brother' is the trope you're looking for here," regenengel3 piped in.
"That's... not much better. Especially for the men in that dimension," Doc pointed out.
"Oh no! It's much worse," regenengel3 said with far too much cheer. "Know that Liam Neeson scene when some idiot kidnaps his daughter?"
"The, I'll-hunt-you-down-and-kill-you-you-sorry-SOB scene?" Chi asked.
"That's it. Now replace Liam with Dex, the daughter with Fem!Simmons, and the kidnapper with Alt!Mr. Simmons." Doc and Chi both shuddered.
"Thank you for that lovely mental image," Chi drawled in typical Church fashion while Doc was only kept from returning to the floor by regenengel3's Author Powers.
/*/
Simmons turned to her male counterpart with fear in her eyes. "Don't worry," Rick said with a strained smile, "Dex is just a Brother Bear." Simmons blinked and looked back the way Dex had gone. A moment later, a rage-filled scream echoed down the hall, nearly covering the sound of something breaking. "And that would be him raging over what you've had to go through," Rick continued. "Honestly, I'm impressed he lasted through your whole story without showing any signs of anger... at least to those who don't know him like I do." Simmons stared at him with wide eyes before a noticeably calmer Dex sauntered back into the room.
"Sorry about that," he said with a winning smile. "I just really hate it when people try to force others to fit their mold."
"Oh, like Freelancer," Rick asked.
"Exactly like Freelancer," Dex said, nodding. The Femmes stared at them with wide eyes. "What?" Dex asked with honest confusion showing on his face.
"Dude... how are you so... blase about Project Freelancer? You act like... like you're a Freelancer!" Doughnut exclaimed. The visiting Sims blinked and shared looks before turning to their native counterparts and shrugging.
"Technically, we're the Red and Blue Troopers of Project Freelancer," Rick began.
"But honestly, we've been through so much junk because of Freelancer and the Agents that we're basically the Anti-Freelancer," Red said.
"Not to mention we've taken out, what, three? Six? Are we counting the paint-ball matches?" Dex asked, causing the native Reds and Blues to gape at him.
"Well, if we are, added to Texas, Wyoming, and Maine, we've taken down Washington, New York, Oregon, Florida, and North Dakota as a team. Eagle took down Louisiana, didn't you?" Rick said.
"Yep," Eagle confirmed with a grin, swinging his rifle up onto his shoulder.
"I took down Michigan once," Dex offered.
"I think I took down Jersey at some point. I forget when," Red contributed.
"You bag a Freelancer, Captain Tucker?" Dex asked.
"Uh... no. Not really," the cyan soldier admitted.
"Wait... didn't you take down not-Connecticut?" Rick asked.
"Who?" Captain Tucker asked.
"CT," Rick informed him. "He took his lover's armor when Tex and Carolina 'plugged a leak' for Freelancer. Wash had a thing for the original Agent Connecticut, AKA Connie AKA CT."
"Okay, did not know that," Tucker admitted. "And no, I didn't take him down. Wouldn't count even if I had."
"Does Niner count?" Eagle asked.
"Hum... no," Dex decided. "What does that bring our final count to?"
"Eleven," Rick answered quickly.
"Yeah, we've taken out eleven Freelancer/Ex-Freelancer Agents," Dex said. "Not to mention we have several of their A.I. Fragments. All that adds up to knowing a lot about the Project. Also; Oregon, Florida, Washington, Carolina, North Dakota, and New York are on our side so..."
"As the saying goes, we hit pay-dirt on Freelancer's dirty little secrets," Eagle said.
"Oh yeah, I think Caboose ran into Georgia on Chorus and ended up winning in a fist fight," Captain Tucker mused, 'Captain' Caboose nodding rapidly beside him.
"Wait wait wait," Church said, waving his hands in front of him in a 'wait, stop, what?' motion. "This guy beat a Freelancer on his own?" he asked, pointing to the native Caboose.
"Yep," Captain Tucker said, nodding. "Hey, you don't seem too surprised by our track record. What gives?"
"Eh, I was there for taking out Meta," Church said.
"Uh... actually... did we take out Meta?" Rick asked.
"We... helped," Dex said. Eagle cackled madly, caressing his rifle while Tucker quirked an eyebrow.
"Why is Eagle acting weird? Even for Blood Gulch?" he asked.
"Two words," Red drawled. "Glitter. Rounds." Church, Tucker, Caboose, and the Femmes shared a Look.
"Uh..." they all questioned.
"Eagle supplied us all with modified paint rounds, having added glitter of various colors but all of the neon variety, and we went crazy on Freelancer HQ while Oregon and Wash went to AI storage and pulled Epps before we hightailed it out of there leaving the two Ex-Freelancers at the base with Meta whom they disabled with an emp. Oh yeah! And that was after they both sassed the Director. I'm talking major sass-back! Ah~! It was awesome~!" Dex said, trailing off into fond remembrance.
"I can show you the footage if you want," Gary, much more human after his journey through Dex's mind, offered.
"Oh, just go ahead and play the whole adventure, Gary. That one has to be my favorite so far," Dex said, the others agreeing wholeheartedly while Captain Tucker just wanted to finally get the whole story.
/*/
"Dude... that's a lot of glitter."
"Yep."
"Wait... did that guy just yell 'third one this week?'"
"Yep."
"Huh. Dex was right, Eagle is trigger happy with glitter."
"Just now figuring that out?"
"And I thought Dex said he'd had glitter rounds since Sidewinder but he clearly got them during this confrontation."
"Continuity error, my bad," regenengel3 admitted. "Just too lazy to go back and fix it."
"I love how causal Al and the two ex-Freelancers are at this point."
"I'm waiting for the sass."
/*/
"Who's Mr. Gray and Insane?" Grif asked.
"Wash," Dex answered. "He's an Ex-Freelancer who worked A.I. Recovery for a while... after he was UN-registered Article 12." The women stared at him. "He's a pretty cool guy... when you don't push his buttons. Like a certain cyan trooper we all know."
"Dude, he has it out for me, I swear!" Captain Tucker defended.
"Oh, I do too. Know why? Because you keep pushing our buttons!" Dex growled.
"Can we get on with the tape?" Red asked gruffly. Dex huffed but nodded.
/*/
"Ya know, that call was really confusing for me," Captain Tucker said. Dex snickered.
"Not as confusing as it will be for Caboose," he said, causing the rest of his team to crack up laughing.
"I don't get the joke," Church said.
"Don't worry Epps, you'll get it eventually," Dex declared.
"What did you call me?" Church asked. The men blinked back at him before Captain Tucker realized the confusion.
"You're actually the A.I. Unit Epsilon," he said. "This is a faulty memory, as evidenced by you saying that we're more like you remember us."
"Just had a thought... why didn't 'I' come with you when you came through the portal?" Church asked.
"Al was too smart to stand next to Tucker when he swung his keyblade through the alien holographic lock," Eagle drawled.
"Huh, guess you're the dumb one, Church," Doughnut remarked, causing both Tuckers to laugh and both Cabooses to pout before attempting to defend their 'best friend.'
/*/
"I think my Reference Sense might be broken from how many you idiots use," Chi remarked, 'sitting' down cross-legged and 'glaring' at the screen. Doc shook his head and turned his attention to the screen within the screen as the show within the show resumed.
"Huh, Dex used the Time Unit."
"Fun."
"Indeed."
/*/
Simmons looked over at Rick. "Those guys wouldn't get off my tail, what else was I gonna do? Besides, my gun was loaded with glitter."
"Yeah... but that was the sound of a knife, Rick," Simmons said slowly, giving him a steely look.
"Like I said, they wouldn't leave me alone and I needed to keep the evac route open," Rick said. "The guys were counting on me to have the vehicles fueled, ready, and accessible." Simmons sighed and sat back with an unsatisfied expression.
"I'm with Dex on this one," she muttered. Dex laughed and flopped over to put his head in her lap, causing her to tense up and let out a small squeak.
"Actually sweetness, I would have done much the same in that situation," he told her. "I just use humor as a way to cope with the stress of an active war zone. And we hadn't expected the Freelancer foot troops to be in the garage." Simmons gaped at the man on her lap who smiled wryly up at her. "Sorry, but even a white knight spills blood every now and then. And I'm far from being a white knight."
"Congratulations, you've traumatized my female counterpart," Rick drawled. Dex sat up and smirked at Rick.
"Aw come on, Rick. I traumatize everyone. She would have felt left out!" Rick groaned in disgust and turned away, much to Dex's amusement. Simmons questioned their sanity.
/*/
"Okay, how are you guys hurting a robot?" Sarge asked. Dex held up a finger while Eagle pointed to the screen.
"I'm just awesome like that." Church stared at the screen.
"THE HECK!? Awesome would be not feeling the hit!" he shouted. The Captains just chuckled. Even Caboose.
/*/
"HA! She even owned up to referencing Full Metal Alchemist! Gotta love lampshading."
"Chi... I think you finally have a solid answer to why regenengel3 gave you that reference sense."
"Gosh darn it!"
/*/
"Aw man!" Doc exclaimed, "I'm kinda sorry I missed that one," he said as the video ended.
"No you aren't," Chi said dryly. "Trust me on this one."
"Oh come on! All the RvB adventures I've been a part of have ended badly for me! I've been shot at, abandoned, possessed by the rage A.I., yelled at, shot at, browbeaten, left behind, shot at, yelled at, beaten, and finally stuck inside the fourth wall and forgotten! Storming Freelancer HQ and wrecking havoc while a power-hungry, brainwashed, super agent is hunting me and the Mooks on base are trying to kill me is practically a walk in the park in comparison!"
"..."
"..."
"... You win, Doc."
"Thank you. Have to win some times," the medic huffed.
/*/
Everyone but Project Red let out an impressed whistle. "You guys weren't kidding about the sass," Church said.
"I will never look at orange glitter the same way again," Simmons said solemnly.
"Grif! Why don't you ever..."
"Don't finish that sentence, Sarge," Dex cut in frigidly. Sarge wisely shut her mouth while Red edged away from the seething man.
"And now you've begun to traumatize Red's female counterpart. Wonderful," Rick drawled, rolling his eyes. Dex chuckled and shook his head.
"Like I said, I traumatize everyone. It's only a matter of time... and sometimes bullets. Or grenades. Or IEDs. Or blunt objects. Or sharp objects! Oo~! Pointy blunt objects that are electrified! Gotta love those." Rick facepalmed and Eagle draped an arm around his shoulders.
"Just Dex," he said. Rick snorted.
"Does it make me a horrible teammate if I think Grif might be preferable?" he asked. Eagle hummed and gave Grif a good look over.
"Pretty, sassy, lazy, chick..." he shrugged. "I'd be cool with that."
"Feeling the love, Frankie. Feeling the love," Dex breathed dramatically. Eagle grinned. "Yeah, I bet you're pleased!" The sniper chuckled and Dex glared. "I'm not touchy, Pinkie Pie," he growled, "I'm melodramatic." All emotion drained from Eagle's face and in an instant, Dex's face was covered in glitter.
"Yeah... ya kinda asked for that one," Rick said, shaking his head at the sputtering man who was trying desperately to get the glitter off his face. The women laughed, even Grif, and Eagle nodded with a vaguely satisfied look. "Word to the wise, never call Eagle anything referencing or implying the words 'pink' or 'gay,'" Rick told the laughing women, as well as Church, Tucker, and Caboose, "he really doesn't take it well."
"Also, they got an example of what happens when Eagle goes monosyllabic," Captain Tucker said. Red chuckled.
"Oh no, that was Sassy Silent. Monosyllabic is something else entirely," he said.
"Yeah, don't you remember what he did to Greenie McJerkknife?" Rick asked. Remembering the incident... s... in question Captain Tucker went pale. "Yeah. This was nothing, trust me."
"Why are these guys so much more... deadly?" Tucker and Sarge asked together.
"Well, for one, we actually got training," Rick began.
"For another, we have over five years experience on ya," Red added.
"Son of a crazed, yak haired, sun-dried, cow-hand!" Dex exclaimed, finally getting the glitter from his mouth. "Medic override GC-2-44-1817!"
"Grk!" Eagle exclaimed as his armor turned rock hard and air was injected between the layers of his suit, further immobilizing him.
"Honestly, I'm not too sure how we managed to reach Freelancer levels if bad-ass," Dex said after calming down, "but somewhere along the way, between fighting for each other instead of against and rebelling against orders, we did. And then we crash landed in a planet-wide civil war and our refined skills were polished to a deadly sheen before being tainted red with the blood of space pirates."
"I'm actually more impressed that you said that all with a straight face and a nonchalant tone. Anyone else feeling that?" Grif asked. Doughnut raised her hand while Simmons gaped at the man and Sarge...
"Are those stars in her eyes?" Dex asked, pointing to the woman.
"Yep," Eagle stated, a little freaked out.
"All in favor of actually trying to get back to our own dimension?" Dex asked.
"Count me in," Rick said, eyeing Sarge warily.
"Uh huh," Captain Tucker said with a nod.
"Me too," Red called, raising his hand.
"Heck. Yes," drawled Eagle.
"Yes," stated Captain Caboose. "Wait. Where are we going?"
"Home," Dex declared.
"But... where is home?" Caboose asked.
"At the moment? Chorus. After we get that mess sorted?" the weapon's expert said before pausing with a contemplative look. "I'm not sure, we could end up anywhere really, but I'm holding out hope that we'll get back to Earth. Or at least somewhere with a beach and good surfing. Man, I miss riding the waves."
/*/
"And that seems like as good a place to end it as any!" regenengel3 called cheerfully. Doc gaped in disbelief.
"After all that, you're ending it there?!" he asked in outrage.
"Yep! Next time we check in, the Captains will find their way out of the Femme!World. Happy New Years everyone!" regenengel3 said, waving cheerfully at the camera before the screen faded to black and Doc's frustrated ranting was covered by cheery sounding music.
