Disclaimer - I don't own Noel Fielding's Luxury Comedy, The Mighty Boosh or any characters involved. Copyright to Noel Fielding/Julian Barratt.
Sorry I couldn't give you that extra chapter over the weekend, but hopefully this one will make up for missing the one last Wednesday. I like this one. I've been waiting for this one. Here you go. Sympathy for the Hitcher. That's a thing I did.
Chapter 11
It was getting near to closing time when Noel looked up to see a shadow moving around outside the window.
Gregg.
Perfect timing.
He quickly glanced over to make sure Smooth and Andy hadn't noticed the movement outside, then looked to Dolly, who was still sat at the counter. He nodded towards the window and she turned to look herself, giving him a short nod in return when she caught sight of the shadow just as it moved out of sight. Noel removed his apron and cap and hurriedly stuffed them into a shelf before heading for the door and slipping out.
He didn't immediately see anyone. Not even on the ridge of the volcano, where Gregg had waited the first time. He looked around, confused, but there was no-one in sight.
Figuring he must be keeping hidden, Noel moved towards the corner of the building.
"Gregg?" he hissed through the dark, "Gregg, you there?"
No response. He kept walking.
"Gregg?"
A few more steps. He reached the next corner.
No windows round that side…
"Gregg?"
His heart sank as he felt a gloved hand clamp around his wrist and he was dragged round the bend and slammed against the wall. The hand moved to his throat, pinning him down, and a cane was shoved under his chin. He struggled to breathe, his eyes wide as he instinctively shrank away from the Hitcher glaring down at him.
A set-up?
"I should've known I couldn't trust him…!"
"Oh, no, lad, I'd say you could trust that Old Gregg," he twisted the cane into Noel's skin, "Although you should know better than anyone that you can't, however, trust jazz."
"W-what…?"
"The Spirit o' Jazz, lad. Oh, yes. He's a right old git, that one, but 'e gets the job done alright. Caught Greggory sneaking off an' figured the 'ole thing out. Then slipped you Gregg's little calling card," he grinned, grimy, yellow teeth showing, "I warned you. You trying to take the easy way out? You trying to talk my boys into changing their minds, are ya?"
"I'm not tr-"
"Shut your trap," the Hitcher snapped, tightening his grip around Noel's neck, "You don't think too highly of us, do you? We're all old news, you ain't gonna waste your time with us no more. So you want to get rid of us. You've moved on from us, we're nothing but little jokes to keep the people coming back now, ain't we?"
Jokes. Not his jokes, but his real self's. The walls were falling, crumbling again. Memories.
No pain this time.
"It's not like that! I still talk about you," he managed to say, "I've used your song… I talk about playing you and the other characters all the time, and the fans still love you... They were dressing as you at the shows…!"
The Hitcher suddenly let go of him, still glaring as he gasped for breath, rubbing his neck. The old Cockney pointed his cane at him.
"None of that matters. It's still nothing but cheap laughs."
"But that's what I do, isn't it? Get laughs? That's my job! Cheer people up. Give 'em something to look forward to after a hard day-"
"An 'ard day? An' what would you know about 'aving an 'ard day, you ponce?"
"I've had plenty of hard days-"
"'Ave you, my boy?" he lowered his voice, moving closer to Noel than before and forcing eye contact, "You wanna try 'aving an 'ard life. A life of pain an' misery, of shame an' abandonment," he dropped his gaze, going quiet, almost wistful, "Losing everything I once 'eld dear to me ol' Cockney heart. An' all just so you could make a few jokes. All just to be nothing but a villain."
He took a step back, giving Noel some space, and looked down. Noel watched him for a moment, taking in his faraway look, his sagged shoulders, the change in his tone.
Another stream of memories came then, bringing with them the bitter feeling of guilt and regret.
"But… But in that episode…" he spoke softly and the Hitcher lifted his head again, "The last episode you were in. Eels. You were alright in the end. Weren't you? Past and future combining…?"
The Hitcher scowled and he slowly walked back towards Noel.
"That may be so, but you brought me back, boy. You brought me out onto that stage one last time, didn't ya? And I was all set to release my eels onto those crowds."
"But if you don't want this anymore, why not just stop?"
Looking Noel right in the eye, the Hitcher spat the words out.
"Because you made me this way, my boy. And you ain't given me another way out yet. No matter what you or your little fans do now, I was left as a villain. A villain whose whole life was treated as nothing but a joke."
Oh.
"… I'm sorry."
What could Noel do about that? He wasn't the real Noel. He wasn't the one who could control these characters.
But then, he wasn't really in control of anything right now. Things were changing.
And maybe they would change for the better.
"… You might still get that happy ending, though."
The expression on the Hitcher's face told him he wanted to smile. He wanted to thank him. But that just wasn't what a villain would do. So instead, he simply nodded, and turned to leave.
"Wait!"
He stopped.
"I do still need to talk to Gregg."
He stood for a moment, his back to Noel, then just gave him a thumbs-up and kept walking.
Noel smiled to himself and made his way back inside.
