Chapter 12: Recovery
The move to Ivan's home was not as challenging as either one of them had originally thought. They were able to fit what they could into Ivan's house and the rest thrown in the storage. Monika's things were picked up by her parents and taken care of. Alfred took a guest bedroom while Marla went to her usual room when Ivan would watch over her.
It was late in the evening when Alfred and Marla settled into their rooms. Alfred could hear his daughter laughing and playing with the cat in the hallway and then ask it if Ivan was planning to cook. Alfred swallowed thickly as he heard Marla rush down the stairs with the cat in tow, the bell jingling with each step it took. Alfred wanted to go out there as well, but his guilt wouldn't let him. Sure, Marla forgave him, but that didn't mean he forgave himself.
'You are so pathetic. Starving your only child and only getting a move on once Ivan showed up. How long do you think he'll want to be around you if you keep this up? You already relied on him too much, and now look at you.'
Alfred frowned at his feet as he listened to his conscience. It was right, of course—there was no way Ivan could take much more of him. He needed to get a new place as soon as he could, but he'd have to get a new job now that he was living in Oregon. He only had three days of vacation time left from his current job, and he would need to start finding another one in that time. However, at that very moment, he didn't feel like dealing with it. His guilt was weighing on him heavily and all he could bring himself to do was curl up in bed.
'Why are you making this harder on yourself?'
Alfred buried his face in the crisp cool pillow and tried to block out his intruding thoughts.
'He's going to come up here and get you eventually. That's what you want, isn't it?'
"Shut up," Alfred whined to himself and tried to clear his head.
He didn't know how long he was there, but it was long enough that the scent of food wafted into his room. It made his stomach growl and he sighed as he tried to ignore it. Then just minutes later a knock came to his door and Ivan's voice called out to him.
"Alfred, dinner is ready," Ivan said through the door.
Alfred gave no response and Ivan took that as an okay to open the door. Ivan saw Alfred curled up on top of the bedding with a pillow on top of his head. Ivan frowned at the sight and moved over to the bed and sat down on the edge. He didn't say anything, just watched Alfred breath slowly, then moved to lay down on top of him. Alfred shifted onto his stomach so Ivan's weight wouldn't be uncomfortable, but didn't say anything.
"I have a plate of chicken and mushroom risotto for you downstairs between me and Marla. I'd like to drag you down there and force you to eat, but I know you'll come down on your own." Ivan said suddenly.
Alfred stayed quiet and Ivan gave a sigh.
"You don't have to be shy or scared. This house is yours too now, so come down and eat with us. I know Marla would like you too."
Alfred felt like crying at hearing how soft Ivan's voice was and croaked out a simple, "Okay."
Ivan smiled at hearing that then got up and headed out the room.
'See? Pathetic.'
Alfred swallowed thickly then sat up. He didn't want to go any further than that, but he managed to force himself off the bed and out of the room. When he got down to the kitchen Ivan and Marla were eating and his plate was set between them untouched. Both of them looked up at Alfred and smiled.
"You can't eat from over there," Ivan said and Marla nodded her head in agreement as she stuffed her face.
Alfred rubbed the back of his neck nervously before walking over and sitting down. The scent of the food was intoxicating, he couldn't remember the last time he had anything that was home cooked. He got enough food to heap on his fork and ate it. He found himself smiling as he ate it and when he swallowed he felt Ivan's hand on his face. Alfred looked to him dumbfounded and watched as Ivan wiped away unknown tears. All Alfred could say was, "Thank you."
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When Alfred woke up the next day it was to the smell of bacon and coffee. He smiled lazily as he inhaled the scent, the smell reminding him of where he was. He rolled over onto his back and stared up at the ceiling then traveled his eyes down and around the room. His room carried the same earthy style as the rest of the house, but his was painted a dull yellow. It reminded him of dijon mustard but also a sunflower. He sighed as he looked at the windows of his room, and watched the clouds move over a blue sky.
Alfred felt good. He had slept through the whole night for the first time in a long while and he couldn't recall any sort of nightmare or dream at all.
'Maybe things will be okay here.' He thought as he sat up and stretched his limbs.
"Daddy…?"
Alfred's good mood was wilted by the voice of his daughter, his mind not letting him forget what he had done.
'No, it's okay. It's okay. She forgave you...right?'
Alfred swallowed thickly as he thought this then forced himself to speak.
"Yes, Marla?"
There was silence on the other end, and Alfred feared that she had ran off, but he was proven wrong when the door opened. Marla stood in her pajamas and peered into the room cautiously, which made Alfred's chest ache.
"Um… Breakfast is ready..." she said in a small voice.
Alfred felt like shit at hearing it.
'Look at what you did to her. She's scared of you now. You really believe you're going to be okay? That everything will be okay?'
Alfred wanted to punch his conscience.
"Marla, come here, please."
Marla looked at Alfred blankly for a while before moving towards him. Marla stood a safe distance from the bed and Alfred took a deep breath before moving to sit on the edge of the bed.
"Marla, I'm sorry. I know you said you forgave me, but I know you're still afraid of me. I regret everything I said and did to you. I know I'm the worst father ever, but I'm trying to get better."
Marla stared at him as he said this then moved closer.
"I know. Ivan told me you was trying, and he never lies," she said.
Alfred smiled at hearing that and held out his arms for a hug. Marla accepted it and moved forward to get scooped up into a tight hug.
"You're everything to me Marla. I promise you I'll do better."
Marla smiled and hugged her daddy tightly, and at that same moment Ivan stepped in through the door.
"You're a great father just by knowing your mistakes and learning from them."
Alfred looked up to see Ivan smiling at him and Alfred got up from the bed with Marla still in his arms and went to hug Ivan.
"Thank you."
Ivan sighed as he heard this but returned the hug. "You know, you say that too often."
"But it's all I can say." Alfred admitted as he pressed himself more into Ivan. "You've done so much for me, for us, I just—"
"It's okay Fredya," Ivan said and pulled Alfred back and smiled at him. He wanted to kiss away Alfred's pain so badly when he looked at his puffy and red face. Instead he allowed himself to touch Alfred's cheek and smiled more as Alfred leaned into his touch. "Come on, let's go downstairs and eat before the food gets cold."
Alfred felt the need to pout when Ivan took his hand away. He didn't understand it, but Ivan's touch just made him feel so much better.
"Okay."
Marla agreed with Alfred and promptly rattled off what was for breakfast as they went down the stairs.
As the days went by Alfred found his guilt to lessen and his need for Ivan's touch persistent. It was starting to make him worried he was getting clingy, which in turn brought back his thoughts from his first night at Ivan's home. He really didn't want to drive Ivan away, he couldn't handle losing Ivan, not in the slightest. He knew he needed to get his life together and that's what he attempted to do.
His vacation time ended after his third day at Ivan's and that's when he made the phone call to quit his job. However, upon getting a hold of his boss and making his reasons for quitting clear, he was given an offer. It turned out that the company he had been working under had bought out a major programming company in Oregon while he was out. His employer offered to let Alfred transfer to one of their Oregon branches nearest to him since Alfred had become one of his top employees during the time he worked.
Alfred had eagerly accepted the offer and now had a half hour commute from Ivan's home to the downtown area of their city starting next week. Alfred knew he got lucky, but he wasn't going to waste it. He planned to find a home near his parents and brother so that way he wouldn't have to rely on Ivan so much. Alfred knew Ivan worked his ass off to do his job and care for him and Marla, and he didn't want to burden him anymore. All he needed to do was save up for a couple of months and then be on his way.
It was also on this day that Alfred made a call to his family. It had been weeks since he talked to them and he had been ignoring their calls. He knew the conversation would get ugly, but the verbal beat down he got from his fathers really motivated him to get his shit together. Matthew tried to calm them down and let Alfred get his two cents in, but he also gave him smack for his behavior too.
Ivan wasn't blind to these changes however. He could see that Alfred seemed to eat more each day, smile more, stay out of his room, play with Marla, and even stick to him when he wasn't busy with work. Ivan felt proud to see Alfred slowly coming back to himself, and he hoped things would continue as such—Alfred and Marla living in his home as if they were playing house.
Sure it was a selfish thought on Ivan's part, but he never realized how good it felt to have them there. His house felt warmer, he felt happier, and seeing Alfred by his side just sent his heart into a tizzy. Ivan had tried so hard to keep himself in check, but lately he couldn't stop reaching out for Alfred. He wanted to constantly touch him and hug, to kiss his tears away and heal his wounds. He knew he was setting himself up for failure, but he didn't care. He wasn't dating anyone and he hadn't slept with anyone in months. Alfred and Marla was his priority, and having old feelings resurface with a vengeance at seeing Alfred so vulnerable was just an unfortunate circumstance.
Ivan had always loved Alfred, loved his daughter, his wife, everything—and now he was facing his old love. The love that wanted to possess Alfred, care for him, and makeout with him until they both couldn't breathe. It was a struggle to keep it at bay, but Ivan knew he could never act on it. The little touches he did allow himself was as far as he was going to go.
With that said, Ivan took his hand off of Alfred's hand and backed up from the man entirely to go back to his side of the kitchen. The two of them were cooking dinner together and Ivan had been showing Alfred how to stir the sauce needed for the dish.
The silence that came between them was filled with the sounds of cooking, but Alfred soon added his voice.
"So… I called my job the other day."
"How did it go?" Ivan asked as he wrapped up the meat in cooked cabbage.
"Better than I expected," Alfred said. "It turns out I can still have my job. My company bought out a tech company here in Oregon and one of the branches is just half an hour from here."
"Congratulations, Fredya," Ivan said proudly.
"Yeah, I got lucky," Alfred said with a smile. "I start next week, and once I start to save up enough, I'm going to start looking for my own place." Ivan paused his work, but Alfred didn't notice. "I know you asked me to stay here, but I'm honestly feeling better every day. I know I can't mooch off of you forever," he added with a light laugh.
Ivan was still frozen where he was, but after a minute or two he found himself moving again.
"I see… Well, I don't think you're mooching off of me, but if you want to find a new place, then that's fine."
Alfred had an unsettling feeling worm its way into his chest at hearing this. Something about the way Ivan said this didn't sit well with him. He didn't say anything back, unsure of what he even wanted to say. He just looked back at the sauce now thick as gravy.
Alfred knew he wasn't going to let what Ivan had said stop him from finding a place. He kept up his search, though a bit secretly. He felt like if Ivan knew he was still looking for a place it would hurt him somehow. To be honest, the thought of finally moving out and to a place of his own made Alfred uneasy. He really liked being with Ivan.
'You can't stay here and you know it. He has a life of his own. Probably has a girlfriend waiting you out so she can come over.'
Alfred gave an exasperated sigh as his conscience made another valid point. Alfred shoved away his laptop, tired of looking at apartments and homes near his work. Tired of his own intruding thoughts. He got up from the desk in his room to wander the house, needing to clear his head.
'Been here for almost two weeks now… first pay check is this Friday…'
Alfred found himself mulling over his estimated pay and how long it would take to save up. He had already thought this over, but he couldn't help but go over the numbers again and again. He wanted things to work out and to have no surprises along the way if he could help it.
Alfred found himself heading out back and sitting on the patio. It was July already, the first day of the new month, and the summer heat was well underway. This realization had Alfred taking out his phone to confirm as much, and he stared out into the forest as he said, "Wow… I'm going to be 31…" The sudden realization left Alfred in a daze. He had spent eight years of his life with Monika and six with Marla, and now he only had Marla. The heavy feeling that he felt on the day of Monika's passing settled in his chest and he took a deep breath to calm himself.
'Stop thinking about it.'
With this in mind he deemed himself ready to go back to his search and possibly actually work on his assignment. He needed a dulling distraction and real-estate hunting and working was a great way to go about it. Alfred went back inside and up to his room, but upon going in he found Ivan standing at his desk. The man looked up quickly, knowing full well he had been caught. Alfred looked at him curiously then felt panic come over him as he recalled what he had been looking at.
"What are you doing?" Alfred asked trying to stay calm.
Ivan's look of surprise melted away to irritation and he turned the laptop towards Alfred.
"I came to see if you wanted to go to the park with me and Marla, but I found this instead." Ivan pointed to the apartments on the website Alfred had been looking at. "Alfred, I thought I made it clear that you didn't have to go."
Alfred was speechless for a moment, but he found his voice soon enough.
"Ivan, I know you did but I can't stay here!"
Ivan had a hurt look come to his face briefly.
"Why not? Is there something about it you don't like?" Ivan asked, hoping to God that the problem wasn't him.
"No, no no, that's not it," Alfred said backpedaling. "I like the house, I like being here with you, it's just—"
"—Just what, Alfred?" Ivan asked getting impatient.
"The problem is me, okay!" Ivan looked at Alfred in confusion and Alfred sighed and rubbed his neck. "Look, I appreciate everything you've done for me, for Marla, but I can't stay here. I've relied on you so much and taken up so much of your time. I'm honestly surprised you haven't gotten rid of me yet because you must be tired of me. All I do is mooch off of you and I can't even help pay your bills right now…" Alfred said and looked at Ivan with concern. "I don't want to drive you away because of how I've been lately. I was at my lowest and you wasted your time to drag me back up. You've got a life of your own and I'm fuckin' it up for you!"
"Alfred I did those things because I care about you," Ivan said, feeling his anger lessen. "You are my friend, my best friend! I couldn't just let you fall apart when I could do something—and I'm not doing this out of pity or charity, if that's what you're thinking."
"You say that now," Alfred countered. "But after a month or two goes by you'll regret it. And like I said, you have your own life to deal with. I bet you have some girlfriend waiting to be with you, but you keep forcing yourself to stay here to be with me and Marla! That's why I gotta move out!"
"No," Ivan said sharply and Alfred looked at him like he was crazy. "I have spent years of my life being with you and I know for a fact I could never get tired of you. You could never drive me away Alfred. I want to help you get better, get on your feet. I told you I'm always here for you and I always will be. I want you here with me. I want you and Marla to be with me." Ivan said seriously and Alfred didn't know what to say. "I don't have a girlfriend or anything romantic going on, so you don't have to worry about that. I'm fine as I am. Besides, I know this sounds selfish, but I really want you both to stay here. It's like we're roommates or having a sleepover again. Plus, this house finally feels like a home with you two in it."
"Ivan…" Alfred felt a part of himself feel so relieved at hearing what Ivan said. "Okay, but… You have to let me help pay for things once I get my paychecks," Alfred said firmly.
"That's fine, but… When you want to leave talk to me about it. I don't want you to feel like you're trapped here…" Ivan informed then held out his hand for Alfred to shake.
"It would take a lot for me to feel like that, but okay."
Alfred took Ivan's hand and shook it firmly, then yanked him down into a hug. The larger man was surprised by the strength Alfred had, but calmed down as he enjoyed the embrace.
"Also, if you ever want to bring someone over, just warn me so me and Marla can dip out," Alfred said when he finally pulled back.
Ivan rolled his eyes and Alfred commented that they would get stuck one day.
**Thanks for the reviews and sticking with me so far!
