Hello! First things first, thank you for all the alerts and reviews. To those of you who inquired about my health I'm feeling better thanks, I'm not quite there yet but slowly getting there.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except the plot.
Chapter 12
Quil POV
"What the hell Paul?" I screamed at the same time I jumped forward and crouched protectively in front of Claire. I knew all too well how unstable and unpredictable Paul could be and had no intention of letting Claire get caught in the crossfire. "What are you doing here?"
"I came for you Quil." Answered Paul a tad calmer but keeping his gaze on Claire like he wished he had laser vision and could pulverize her from where he stood.
"What do you want?" My question dripped hostility from every syllable.
"We need to talk." Paul was direct and to the point.
"No we don't, I think you already said enough." All of Paul's hurtful and humiliating words came to my mind like a steamroller going over me without mercy and squeezing every ounce of life out of me.
"No Quil, there is much more you need to know." Paul's tone was slowly changing from demanding to pleading.
"If it's from you I don't want to hear it. It will probably be a lie anyway."
"Quil, who is he?" Asked Claire who had moved from behind me to my side and was clutching my arm nervously.
"He is nobody sweetie; stay behind me please." The moment Paul heard me call him nobody I saw the hurt in his eyes. That filled me with satisfaction, for once he was the one getting hurt. For a change it was his heart hurting instead of mine.
"Bitch, I told you to keep your hands off him, damn it!" Bellowed Paul; he was acting like a lunatic. I didn't understand what the big deal was; he was acting like a jealous boyfriend, something he definitely was not.
"You will respect her Paul! She has a name, it's Claire, stop insulting her." Claire had nothing to do with all the shit that had happened between Paul and me and didn't have to endure being called a bitch by this asshole.
"I don't fucking care what her name is, I just care about you."
"Oh shut the fuck up you hypocrite, the only person you care about is yourself!" Who the hell did he think he was dealing with? If there was one person in the world who knew all about his tricks and all the false lines he would use to lure his victims into his trap, it was me. I was embarrassed to admit to myself I had fallen into his trap, but swore to never again believe a word that came out of his mouth.
"That's not true, I care about you Quil, please give me a chance; just listen to me please." I almost felt sorry for Paul. Watching the most arrogant and conceited person I ever had the misfortune to know, humiliate himself by begging was very disconcerting. It was ineffective though, since now I knew better, but still a little string inside my chest was pulling my heart in his direction and a bell in my brain kept ringing, telling me to listen to him.
"No chance in hell Paul, I gave you one too many and what did I get in return? Punches, hurtful words and humiliation. Get out of here before I lose my patience." I would never fall in his trap again. It was very difficult to remain strong since my heart was hurting from the need to be with him and I felt like my legs wanted to move on their own to run towards him.
"Quil I'm sorry for all that, I'm sorry for everything. Please let me explain."
I had to cut him off. I was not willing to listen to his inane and empty prattle. "Yeah right, you are sooo sorry for everything. What are you sorrier for? Losing your punching bag or losing … the other thing?" I couldn't say what I was thinking in front of Claire, it was enough that by now she probably figured out that I had some kind of relationship with Paul. I was not going to open the door into the most humiliating day of my life and allow her to take a peek.
"Quil I'm sorry for every time I hurt you, for each time my hands found your skin in anger. I promise that if you give me a chance my hands will only caress your skin. I'm sorry for each and every one of my hurtful words; please believe me when I tell you I was lying. I didn't mean anything I said the last time we spoke. Please let's go somewhere private and talk, you have to listen to me." As Paul said this he took a few steps in my direction. A gentle breeze blew in my direction bringing with it Paul's scent. It enveloped me in a blanket of desire and need, my knees shook and my will faltered; I needed to get away from him before I made a fool of myself by running to his arms.
"Don't take one more step Paul; I swear if you get closer I will hurt you. I will not stand back and let you take advantage of me anymore." He stopped, hiding his hands inside the pockets of his cutoffs and shifting his weigh from one leg to the other. If I didn't know better I could say he looked remorseful.
The sun came out from behind the clouds hitting Paul's face, making him lift his hand to shield his eyes while squinting slightly. For the first time since Paul appeared out of nowhere I noticed his appearance. His delicious pouty lips were dry and cracked. He seemed to have lost quite a bit of weight, his cheeks looked sunken in. His eyes looked dead with very evident dark circles around them. Apparently he got used to having a personal slave and was unwilling to lift a finger to make a meal for himself. He would rather go hungry than cook. That was so like him.
"C'mon man let's sit down and talk." Begged Paul.
"No way. I have nothing to say to you and I will not believe a word that comes out of your mouth. Do us both a favor and save your words for another idiot, this one is tired of listening to you." I felt ashamed of what I had become, I had been a puppet in his hands that did everything he wanted, who endured everything he placed upon me, never complaining or putting any resistance. "You know something Paul? I was everything you wanted and everything you needed, but you treated me like shit. I realized too late that I was much more than you deserved."
"I know Quil, if you give me a chance it will only be the truth I swear. No more lies. Please Quil, all the things I said after we… that night are not true. I was scared of my feelings and thought I was doing you a favor by kicking you out of my life."
"SHUT THE HELL UP; ENOUGH!" I had to stop him before he dragged me back into his world of deceit and false intentions.
"I will not shut up; you need to listen to me! You think I would come all the way here to lie to you or play with your feelings? No, I need you Quil, I need you by my side. Please you are the reason I'm still alive"
"Quil is he your boyfriend?" Asked Claire, curious of the exchange taking place in front of her. I had almost forgotten a she was standing behind me.
"He is not even my friend; he is a nobody I had the displeasure of running into. I wish I could go back in time and erase that moment. I wish to never have met him, he only brought me pain and despair."
"How can you say that? Just three weeks ago you said you loved me. That was the most glorious moment of my whole existence, is a shame that I messed up by doing what I did, but that's why I am here, to make it right." I heard Claire gasp the moment she heard Paul say I loved him. Who the hell did he think he was to be blabbering about my personal life?
"There is no way to make that right and believe me you will never hear those words come out of my mouth ever again." With these last words Paul expression changed drastically. At last he understood that it was a lost cause. His proud shoulders slumped in defeat, his gaze was downcast and he stopped moving from side to side and stood still like a statue.
"What do I need to do to make you believe me? Please Quil at least listen to me, I… I love you."
"Shut the fuck up liar! Don't soil the sanctity and purity of those words."
"I'm not lying, I would not lie about this, I do love you and that's why I tried to push you away. I'm damaged goods and you… you are so good, so pure, you bring joy to those around you, especially me. You radiate life and since you left I've felt like there is a hole in my chest. I'm dead inside, I need you." His words made me stop and think about all the times I felt the dull pain in my chest, could it be? I had to shake my head to clear it of all those thoughts. It was insane to think that could be the reason for my pain because that would mean he was telling the truth and that was impossible. Paul was so used to lying that the line between right and wrong became nothing but a blurry shadow in a crumpled piece of paper.
"Enough of this nonsense! Listen to me, you are going to turn around and get out of here. I don't want to see you; I don't want to listen to you. I want you as far from me as possible. Go back to la Push and stay there, I'll make sure to never go back just so I won't have the misfortune of running into you ever again."
"But, but Quil, please be reasonable."
"Fuck you Paul, you heard me. Get out of here!"
"I'll go, but know that I will not give up. I've love you for a long time and I will never stop loving you."
"Sure sure." I said rolling my eyes annoyed with the little show I Paul was putting on.
Paul turned around and began walking away from us. A sharp pain my chest almost ignited a fuse inside me to propel me to go after him. I willed my body to stay in place instead of doing what my soul was screaming at me to do. I couldn't listen to it, it betrayed me once already. He looked defeated and just that made my heart ache, knowing that I was the reason for his sadness. I had to be the biggest mother fucking idiot to walk this earth. After all he put me through I still had feelings for him. I guessed it was true what they said about your first love, it is the hardest one to forget.
As soon as Paul's form disappeared among the trees I crumbled to the floor. Whatever was keeping me upright left my body the moment he vanished from my view. Claire came to my aid kneeling next to me and placing her slender arms around me. I wept bitterly, how he had the audacity to show up here and demand anything from me? I wondered who the fuck gave him my location, the only ones who knew were my parents and I was certain they didn't say anything. I made a mental note to call home and inquire about this.
He looked so lost and so sad; I was hurting so much, the need to be by his side killing me slowly. How could this be? His pain mirrored mine, I was the main source for his pain and he was mine. He had been able to change my whole perspective in life, the way I viewed love, the way I trusted those around me and the way I viewed myself. Unfortunately instead of Paul being a positive influence in my life he had scarred me for life, making me see life as an unending series of unfortunate situations, love as the biggest fucking lie ever said and trust as something I will never grant anyone ever again.
"Quil if you want to talk I'm here for you." Whispered Claire in my ear, too involved in my own thoughts I completely lost contact with my surroundings and that included her. I had no idea how long I had been crying or how long she had been holding me but I was grateful to her for being there with me.
"There is not much to say, it's the story of boy loves boy, boy is a selfish bastard, boy runs away humiliated and hurt. That pretty much sums it up." At last I was calm enough to produce a coherent sentence.
"I don't really know the back story and for sure you know him a lot better, but he seemed sincere to me." Said Claire, sounding almost afraid of contradicting me.
"Trust me Claire, he is the master of deceit. Don't let his little act fool you." In the state I was in I didn't even noticed when I laid down on the ground with my head on Claire's lap. She was running the fingers of one hand through my hair, while her other hand held one of mine.
"If you say so. If that's the case you need to calm down. If he is so bad he is not worth your tears. Was everything bad between you? Did you fight a lot?"
"Not really, that's the worse part; most of it was good, really good. He was my best friend; we spent countless hours together rebuilding a car and shared many secrets. We talked about our dreams and desires. I was the only person who got to see the real Paul; everybody else saw an asshole with a short fuse. I saw the man who mourned the person he considered the love of his life, day and night. I saw the man who succumbed to bad relationships because he was too afraid of accepting his reality. The man who left everything, to keep an aging man company so he wouldn't have to die alone. The man who was passionate for his job and what he considered his calling and privilege. The man who would put his life on the line to protect a friend. There is a lot of good in him but unfortunately is buried under a heavy blanket of bullshit." This was a boatload of sensitive crap but I felt like my head and my heart would explode if I didn't loosen the valve that kept my thoughts and feelings in check.
"Ok you mentioned a lot of good, you don't have to tell me the bad if you don't want to or it's too personal. I just have one question, is whatever he did to you so bad that it would erase everything you just mentioned? All the good times, all his good qualities, whatever it was that made you fall in love with him."
"I'm afraid it was." If placing everything in a balance it would definitely tilt in the direction of staying away from Paul forever. His bad attitude and his punches were nothing compared to the way he lured me into his bed, fucked me and then discarded me like a used tissue. That was unforgivable.
We remained in the same position for an undetermined period of time. I cried silently for what felt like hours, Claire gave me the biggest gift; her company and her silence. I was so grateful for her presence; she was like a cool breeze on a hot day. The only indication of how much time had passed was the slight changes in temperature, light and sound. The heat of the day was fading slowly, being replaced with a cool nighttime breeze. The change in the position of the sun with the resulting colors in the sky, a canvas of orange, pink and purple. The sound of the hundreds of night crawlers waking up, ready to begin their vigil.
"Quil is getting late; I don't want my parents to worry." Claire's voice startled me, my mind was hundreds of miles away or so I would like to think. In reality my mind was a lot closer, it was fixated in a jerk that hopefully was on his way back home.
"I'm so sorry, how inconsiderate of me. I kept you out longer that I should've. Your family must be wondering what we have been doing all this time." I straighten up using my shirt to clean the remaining tears and the snot from my face.
"That's not a problem, if they question me I'll just tell them they have nothing to worry about with you being gay and all." She tried to remain serious but the slight tremor in the corners of her mouth betrayed her. I couldn't help but laugh at her well intentioned comment.
"Claire, are you ok with it?"
"It's fine, I have to confess it's a shame because you are freaking hot, but I'll survive."
"Thanks Claire."
"You're welcome; now take me home; I'm starving."
Paul's POV
What did I expect? For Quil to accept me with open arms? For him to say, don't worry, I understand and accept your apology, everything is forgiven; let's go home. Sure, in fantasy land maybe; in the real world it was unrealistic of me to expect him to forgive me so easily. I was hoping that the imprint would be affecting him and would help us, but just like everything in my fucked up life, it didn't work the way I hoped it would.
I couldn't tell him about the imprint, not yet. Knowing him the way I do, I was sure he would think the only reason I came looking for him and claimed to love him was because of the bond the imprint created. I needed to convince him of the truth, that I had been desperately in love with him way before the imprint happened. That was the tricky part to get him to trust me, after all the lies I told him, after all the pain I inflicted it was close to impossible. Funny to think this was like the tale of the boy who cried wolf. My whole life had been a lie and I dragged Quil into it.
The day I made love to him was the culmination of months of daydreaming about him, of secretly wishing he would return my feelings. My fears got the best of me and I came up with that fucked up plan to get him away from me. The whole plan blew in my face and I regretted each word I said the minute they it my lips, but by then it was too late.
To make matters worse now I had a rival. That little bitch could potentially steal him away from me forever. Damn it! all I wanted was to tear her fucking head off. I wished I had magical powers so I could make her disappear into a cloud of smoke. This would complicate things even more, not only I had to work against all the damage I did myself, I had to compete against a pretty girl that had more to offer than I would ever do.
My only hope was that if our magic chose him as my mate it would give me the tools or ideas to gain him back and keep him by my side. On the other hand maybe this was a punishment from heaven for messing with one of its angels. To have an unattainable soul mate, to have to resign myself to live as an incomplete being. A person with only half of a soul, since the other half of his soul shared somebody else's bed, life and future.
I had to stop thinking like that, life took one soul mate away from me I would be damned if I let fate take a second one. For now I resigned myself to protect him, Jake was right, I would never tell him but he was. The protection instinct is so strong it's almost unbearable. I would never again make fun of the way he protected Seth. I was Quil's one man protection detail, it was not much, but it was the best I could do at that moment.
As the days passed I learned his routine, as soon as he retired for the day I would get close enough that I could hear him breathe. It was amazing the calming effect something as simple as the soft beat of his heart had on me. Every night I would phase into my wolf and sit as close as I could to his window to guard him while he slept. He knew I was there, more than once he stood by the open window staring first at the night sky and second directly at me. Even from the distance I felt as his gaze came upon my form and shuddered in contained excitement.
With the first rays of the morning sun I would run back into the woods to hunt my breakfast but not before listening to him stirring in his bed as his alarm went off. Just like at night he would come to his window and look directly at me. I wondered if he was making sure I was still with him or wishing I had gone away, I prayed it was the former.
As the days went on I wondered if he stopped phasing, it had been almost two weeks since I found him and he had not phased for even one minute. I occupied my days between catching up on my sleep and hunting. Seth was right, eating raw meat was very unappetizing, but I had no other choice, I had no money and nobody would employ a complete stranger that didn't even have shoes.
Staying away from the farm had proven to be very challenging, for starters I realized that the giggling bitch worked there and that meant that they spent their day together. That was just great; she got to spend her days with him, eat her lunch with him while working her way into his heart. Just thinking about her sitting next to him on the picnic table in front of the house made me hope to find a vampire just so I could get rid of some of the pent up anger and frustration. I would pace back and forth my fists clenched by my sides my mouth tense. It took only one time of me seeing her grabbing his arm and giggling like a drunken idiot to confirm that I had to stay far away from the farm during the day so I wouldn't do anything stupid. At least they had not gone out again and I didn't hear them talking on the phone at night. If there was something going on between them it was in the initial stages which gave me hope something could happen that would stir him in my direction.
Just like every night, I set my post as close to his window as I could without being seen by the family. I waited for him to go to sleep but when instead of his soft snores I heard his heart speed up and I wondered what was going on. Several minutes later a beautiful chocolate brown wolf stood proudly before me. I melted where I stood, he was truly magnificent. His gorgeous brown eyes found mine the second he stood before me; my heart ached at the sadness I could see in them.
Quil I mentally called, no answer
Quil Again no answer, he just stood in front of me with a lost and despondent look in his eyes. He dropped his gaze a second before he started walking away from me.
Please don't go! Talk to me C'mon man I miss you so much! He just kept walking until he was almost out of my sight. Why in God's name did he come here if he was not planning to even say a word? I was extremely confused for a minute before I remembered he couldn't hear me. He broke the bond with the pack and that rendered him unable to see our thought and us his. I was busy with my thoughts when I saw him emerge from behind the trees dressed in a pair of shorts and a muscle shirt.
"Paul shift back we cannot talk in wolf form." YES! He came to talk to me; at last he was going to give me a chance to explain. Unlike him I didn't hide to phase back to human and in a heartbeat stood in all my naked glory in front of him. I had no intention to seduce him, but after everything that happened between us I didn't see the point on being bashful.
"Get dressed. I didn't come here to look at your dick." Spat Quil angrily, this was definitely not going the way I hoped. I donned my pants and began walking towards him but he stopped me. "That's close enough, I don't know what you're thinking but whatever it is you're wrong. Why the hell are you stalking me? I don't need a protector or a babysitter, go back to La Push."
"I know you don't need a babysitter but this is something I need to do. Please Quil let's sit down and talk, we have a conversation that's long overdue."
"I have nothing to say to you and I'm not willing to listen to the babble that comes out of your mouth."
"Please Quil just give me a chance to explain, I beg you."
"Beg all you want, get on your fucking knees for all I care, it will not make a difference. You are a bastard and as much as I loved you before now you disgust me, I hate you. You have nothing to do here, go find another victim." Each one of his words was like white hot daggers digging into my heart and soul. I couldn't believe him, maybe I was delusional, but even though he said he hated me his eyes spoke of what really filled his soul and I saw love in them.
"Please don't say you hate me." I had to stop when my voice cracked and the tears started rolling down my face and ending up on the forest floor. Maybe it was wishful thinking but I could swear I saw him take a step in my direction when the first tear glistened in the moonlight.
"What do you expect Paul, for me to forgive and forget just like that? I did that too many times and you got used to it. Now you think you can parade yourself here and I will run into your arms like in a cheesy romantic movie." He turned away from me and sighed softly.
"I know that what I did was horrible, but it was all a lie. When I made love to you, that was the real me, those were my real feelings, I know you felt them. I had this idea that if we stayed together you would abandon me or even worse, die. All the people I love leave me and why would you be any different? I know it sounds crazy but at the time it made a lot of sense. If I was going to lose you it would be on my own terms, I know this sounds really fucked up. You should beat me up for even coming up with such a cruel plan; I would take any punishment as long as you are there to pick up the pieces. I love you Quil, I swear on my grandfather's memory, I loved you even before I started going out with Aaron. Do you know I hooked up with him as a substitute for you? At the time I had been terrified of approaching you. It was always you and it will always be you." I spoke as fast as I could to get my message through, I didn't know how much time Quil would grant me.
"Paul if you were me, would you believe everything you are saying?" He turned halfway and gave me a sideways glance with watery eyes.
"I guess I wouldn't, but that's me; I'm an asshole. You are so much better than me Quil, please tell me what I need to do for you to believe me." I walked towards him, the intense need to touch him becoming unbearable. I extended my arm and when I placed my hand on his arm I felt the most enticing tingling sensation starting on the point of contact and extending through my whole body. I knew he felt it too because his eyes widened and his breath hitched. I didn't recall ever feeling this with Laura, had I been mistaken about the imprint?
"Stop, don't touch me! Paul do whatever you want, stay here or go back to La Push I don't care. I have no intention of going back home; you took my home away from me. Because of you and all the painful memories you created for me I can never go back to my family. There is a lot more than the obvious, you have taken away so much, I will never be able to forgive you. I want to run as a wolf, I will not let you take my wolf away from me. Do not approach me and don't try to talk to me. This is the last time I will speak to you. Goodbye Paul" Quil walked away slowly without turning back, a few minutes later I felt the familiar sensation in the air as he phased and took off running.
I sunk to my knees and cried with my forehead on the damp soil. All my hopes had been dashed, he would never forgive me. I refused to accept my defeat, I defeated myself, I was an idiot and lost the only good thing in my life. But no, I couldn't think that way, not all was lost. The imprint still existed it had not broken, that lonely fact gave me hope. I would continue guarding his sleep; I would protect him as long as I had strength in my body. They say time heals all wounds, I prayed that one day his wounds would heal and he would be mine again. For now I would settle with watching him from a distance and daydream that he was in my arms and I was back in his heart where I belong.
