Long chapter is looooooooooong. Please enjoy the series of strip club puns. I've been waiting a very long time to throw them at you. As always, please review!

Return to the Sea

This was it. Tonight was going to be their first patrol since Dave's injury. They had arranged to meet Lateral G and Crusader for a joint patrol. Dave really wanted to thank the two men for their role in saving his life, and Mindy liked the idea of someone driving them around all night.

The brave duo's evening began at the safehouse. Mindy was in the bathroom, plastering her mask to her face so that it wouldn't slip. At that moment, she wore only the jet-black, skintight base layer and her iconic plaid skirt. Dave had laid his armor out on the bed and was having a great deal of trouble focusing. His eyes kept flicking to the bathroom - though she was covered quite well by the thin, synthetic garments, little of Mindy's figure was left to the imagination. Mindy had an inkling of the effect her outfit had on her partner, and she enjoyed it quite a bit. Later, she might have stretched somewhat provocatively after she finished lacing up her boots. Dave enjoyed the view, though not without a small measure of frustration - he'd just tried to put his upper arm sleeves on before his chest plate.

Eventually, Dave was fully suited up and slightly warm with the effort of getting everything on. Of course, Mindy may have had something to do with that warm feeling - she'd asked him to help cinch up her leg sleeves and shin guards. She smiled down at him, running her fingers through his hair as he tightened the straps, his face inches from her hips. Finally, the young lovers put their masks on and shared their second kiss in full costume. Mindy pulled away and smiled knowingly, fixing Dave with a calculating look.

"You know something? You change when you put the mask on. It's not just an outfit." She shook her head. "You become Kick-Ass." Her gaze was both piercing and awed. "It's your eyes - I can definitely see something change in your eyes." She nodded to herself, looking deep into the eyes in question. "When you've got the mask on, they're fucking fierce." She added.

Dave felt a certain intensity that he associated with the costume, though it was muddled with the wild, tempestuous feeling he associated with Mindy. He wondered if he'd be able to identify his 'Kick-Ass Eyes' in the mirror. "Kick-Ass is part of Dave, and the mask just lets him out." Mindy concluded, rising to her tiptoes to kiss him lightly on the lips once more.

"And how does Hit Girl feel about Kick-Ass?" Dave asked, tracing the shell of her ear in a way that he knew would make her - yes, there it is - shiver.

"She's found her badass prince." Mindy sighed happily, linking her hands behind his neck. "You could even say she's got a bit of a... Kick-Ass fetish." She whispered conspiratorially.

"That's good news for me." Dave chuckled.

"It is." Mindy agreed with a suggestive smile. "You ready to paint the town purple and green?"

"Always." Dave said with a wink.

The young lovers grabbed their large duffel bag, hid their outfits under baggy hoodies, and went to greet the night.


Mindy had suggested that they not give the other heroes much notice before revealing the rendezvous point, and Dave could see her point. They'd been a huge help in getting Dave to the hospital, but in their line of work it was wise to consider every encounter a potential trap. As a countermeasure, they found a suitably deserted building, climbed to the roof, sent Crusader the address for the building across the street, and waited. About thirty minutes later, a car approached, pulled into a shadowy area, and parked. Mindy's phone buzzed.

"We're here."

Mindy tapped out a reply. "We see you. Sit tight."

"What do you think?" Dave murmured.

"That's the same car. I haven't seen any movement, and as far as we know, they had no time to prepare a trap." She sighed in general dissatisfaction. The hero life was lonely by necessity - she was incredibly fortunate to have had Damon, then Dave to aid her. Maybe she wanted even more people to share this strange life with - more support. But she'd be lying if she said she wasn't worried that this could be another Red Mist scenario.

This is different, though. She'd explained it to Dave, who'd been understandably curious about her desire to team up with more heroes. They helped us. They were legitimately scared shitless of me, but they kept helping us when they could have just run off. They're not Chris D'Amico. I think there are good guys behind the mask and the helmet. I can feel it. And we can always kill them if they turn out to be trouble.

Dave trusted Mindy's judgment, so here they were.

"Alright. Let's go." The purple-clad girl finished tying the end of her rope around some solid-looking metal thing on the roof, gave it a few experimental tugs, then took a flying leap over the edge and into the darkness.

Dave absolutely hated it when she did that.

It terrified him because she did it completely without fear, and it peeved him for similar reasons. He always wished for Mindy's courage, but it eluded him. His own journey down the side of the building was much slower than Mindy's, and dulled somewhat by the realization that they were going to have to buy rope again.


The Crusader and Lateral G sat in the Chariot and waited for the biggest heroes in New York to appear. As the seconds ticked by and the street remained deserted, they grew understandably nervous. G really wanted to start the car and leave it running - just in case - but ultimately could not bring himself to waste fuel or spook some imaginary foe into action. Both men scanned the street with quiet unease. Just when Crusader was about to say to hell with the whole thing and ask G to drive away, a tall figure carrying a large bag stepped into the glow of a streetlamp and walked confidently toward the car.

"Is that him?" G whispered.

"I don't know any better than you." Crusader muttered.

"He looks... different. More bulky." G mused.

"Well, they probably cut his old armor away when-"

"BOO!"

"OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK SHIT - JESUS!" G screamed, recoiling in horror from the adorable and only slightly threatening sight of Hit Girl smiling cheekily at him through his window.

Ignoring the frantic, reptilian portion of his brain that just wanted to curl up and crap himself until even a starving predator couldn't find him appetizing, G rolled his window down.

"I'm sorry." Dave said sheepishly, trying to suppress a smile as Mindy slumped over the hood, pounding it with laughter. "She really loves doing that. Would you believe me if I said she was being friendly?"

"I'll believe whatever you want." Crusader declared weakly. "I'd heard she was like a ghost, and this pretty much confirms it."

G unlocked the doors so that the young couple could pile into the back seat. They noticed a few clothes in the floorboards and a small cooler perched in the middle of the bench.

"So, you guys ready to beat some thug ass?" Mindy asked with an easy smile, wiping a few stray tears of mirth from her eyes.

"Uh... yeah. Soon as we go over the checklist." G nodded distractedly, clutching his chest as if trying to persuade his heart not to explode. "OK... we've got snacks." He held up a bag of beef jerky, placing it in his door rather than back in the console. It was clear he intended to consume it himself. "Drinks." He gestured to the cooler in the back seat between Dave and Mindy. "Bungee cords, 'cause you never know..." He opened the glovebox and indicated the tangled snarl of bungee cords within.

Meanwhile, Mindy inspected the cooler. Nothing but energy drinks. Fucking really? I guess I can drink the ice when it melts. Dave noticed the contents of the cooler and smiled knowingly at Mindy, who was - predictably - rolling her eyes. Like all other drugs, she considered caffeine a cheater's crutch.

G and Crusader were still in the middle of their checklist.

"Cuffs?" G prompted.

The Crusader lifted a flap on his chest plate, revealing a cubby hole of sorts that housed - among other things - a bundle of zip-ties. "Check."

"Sword?"

"Check." Crusader confirmed, lifting the sword slightly and letting it drop against his leg plates.

"You really have to ask?" Mindy laughed.

"Yeah. Numb-nuts here forgot it one night." G jerked his thumb jeeringly at Crusader, who covered his face with his palm and shook his head wearily. It was clear he was never going to live that down.

"I thought it was in the trunk." The large man protested listlessly.

"You're kidding." Dave guffawed.

"Oh please." Mindy interjected. "You would have forgotten your mask once if I hadn't told you."

"One time!" Dave protested. "I would have figured it out." He muttered sullenly.

"Sure." Mindy held her hands up in a placating gesture. Dave's response to her insufferably smug grin was an impotent glare.

"I think that's everything." G declared. "You guys good?" He turned back to face Dave and Mindy.

"Yeah, we're ready." Mindy nodded. She named an intersection and told G to get moving. The car let out a low growl as he pulled away from the curb.

"So, thank you guys for getting me to the hospital. I owe you." Dave addressed their new companions.

Mindy squeezed his hand.

"Think nothing of it - we enjoyed the opportunity to truly help someone instead of looking for trouble." Crusader replied.

"I wanted to thank you guys for making one of my dreams come true. I finally had a real excuse to drive like a bat out of hell. It was scary, yeah, but it was... amazing. So thanks. I always wanted to do something like that." G was probably smiling, but no one could tell.

"You're welcome. Just don't count on it again." Dave laughed.

"You know what I've always wanted to do?" Mindy asked rhetorically. "Fight with a sweet soundtrack."

"What, just haul in a big boombox or something and blast it while you fight?" Crusader asked jokingly.

"Hell yeah!" Mindy answered quite seriously.

"So why don't you?" G asked.

"Too dangerous. I can't risk having the music drown out something I actually need to hear. It would be so damn cool though..." She sighed wistfully.

"What kind of music would you use?" G inquired.

Dave smirked. Mindy had discussed her combat playlist with him before. "Dance pop or techno. Maybe speed metal." She answered. She couldn't help but smile while imagining it. "Wouldn't work as well for Kick-Ass, though. We move at different tempos." She smirked.

"What would Kick-Ass use?" Crusader asked with a laugh.

"Something with banjos." Dave stroked his chin in thought while everyone else laughed. "Twangy and upbeat. Bar brawl music."

"I'd pay to see that." G said seriously, looking back at Dave in the mirror.

Mindy held up a finger. "I'd pay to see it with the guarantee that he wouldn't get distracted and die."

"Thanks." Dave smiled sarcastically at Mindy.

"You know I love you." Mindy said dismissively. It was true. Dave knew very well that she loved him.

Dave's sarcastic smile quickly became genuine. He really couldn't help it. He reached out and squeezed her hand, and the look she gave him in response was both teasing and adoring. I don't know who's really wearing the pants here, but I'm having too much fun to care.

Mindy, for her part, was feeling similarly fuzzy toward the young man beside her. He was perfect. All the glamor of dating an outlaw with none of the guilt. It's like dorky, handsome, and badass collided at high speed.

"So what do you guys normally do when you're out?" Dave inquired, trying to make conversation.

"We try our best to make mugging an unattractive career." The Crusader answered with a small measure of pride.

"Find dark alleys in relatively populated areas, look for sketchy guys, fuck 'em up with a sword." G summarized, counting the steps off on his fingers.

"Essentially, yes." Crusader confirmed. "We find the occasional drug dealer, and we typically separate them from their product and dole out some corporal punishment."

"When he says 'we,' he means him." G interjected. "I stay in the car. No armor, no sword, no gun. I just drive." He said firmly.

"When I find a pusher, I like to force-feed him his entire stock. Takes care of two problems at once." Mindy smiled deviously.

"She only does that when they outlive their usefulness." Dave assured the two other men. "We typically find dealers and beat supply chain details out of them, then we follow the chain as high as we can before daybreak."

"By 'follow' he means 'destroy.'" Mindy clarified.

"Right." Crusader nodded in understanding.

"So, have you guys ever been sighted by civilians?" Dave asked.

"I know G hasn't been." Crusader answered, casting a glance at the masked driver in question. "The first time I was seen by anyone other than a criminal... it was probably the night we met you."

"Sorry I couldn't shake hands." Dave laughed awkwardly.

"Never apologize for giving people hope, Kick-Ass." Crusader chided. "Anyway, that night, I actually saved someone." His tone of mild surprise suggested that it had never happened before. "A young woman. The man who attacked her... I probably killed him." He said dully.

"Sounds like he got what he deserved." Mindy smiled. "It's a good feeling isn't it? Saving someone."

"It is." Crusader nodded.

"We've only done it a few times, but it's always the highlight of our night." Mindy fondly remembered a mugging they'd had the fortune to stumble upon. She and Dave had taken the muggers' wallets and offered them to the would-be victims, but they declined the gift. She'd settled for carving 'thief' into the thugs' foreheads and rubbing garbage into the fresh wounds. That was a good night.

"To answer your question, I don't think anyone knows of me. Sometimes a guy asks me who the hell I'm supposed to be, and I tell him I'm the Crusader and hit him with the sword-" He made a swinging gesture with his arms, accompanied by a clicking of his tongue to mimic an impact. "-but I don't think I have an action figure yet. I'm not on your level." He chortled.

"Well, if you hang out with us, you might end up on the news." Dave cautioned.

"That could be nice. Something to look back on and smile. I think I'd prefer to be more like bigfoot though - some kind of blurry mystery. I don't need anyone recognizing me." Crusader shook his head.

"Yeah, we try to limit ourselves to crappy, low-light pictures. We like a little screen time - it helps the cause. But we have to keep them guessing, you know?" Mindy explained.

"Certainly." Crusader agreed.

"It's the memories that really make it all worthwhile." Mindy said, nodding wistfully. "If conditions are right, you might even get to join us for a round of Thug Rover."

"What's that?" Crusader asked.

"Well, it's a lot like Red Rover, but we play it with criminals." Mindy reported.

"What's the objective?"

"Clothesline people." She replied bluntly. "As many as you can." Dave snorted and shook his head. Mindy loved that game, though it suited his fighting style more than hers.

"...are there any rules?" Crusader asked hesitantly.

"Only two." She held up two fingers quite seriously. "Leave no survivors, and never question the masks." The Crusader nodded politely, though he was panicking on the inside. "Although we probably need a couple of survivors tonight." Mindy allowed. "We need to test our new weapons in the field, so we'll need guinea pigs."

"I'll keep that in mind." Crusader muttered.

"Before Thug Rover, we might end up playing a round of Gangster Piñata." She grinned in anticipation.

"That's... exactly what it sounds like, isn't it?" Crusader wondered aloud.

"Is that what all the rope is for?" G's muffled voice piped up. He jerked a thumb over his shoulder, indicating the rope Dave had removed from the duffle bag.

"Among other things, yeah." Dave replied.

The foursome soon arrived at the intersection Mindy had mentioned, and three heroes piled out.


A couple of blocks away from the cadre of vigilantes, two men who were far too old to be dealing with the sort of bullshit with which they'd been saddled were in the middle of a debate. One man wore black, and another wore gray. The one in gray had made a suggestion, and though his companion was open to the idea of hitting a strip club, none of the ones gray had mentioned tickled his fancy.

"The Glitter Bomb?" Gray offered.

"Too far downtown." Black shook his head.

"Heart of Ass?"

"Too far uptown."

"Tits o'Clock?"

"It closes early, remember?"

"What about Love You Long Time?"

"We don't all have yellow fever."

"Daddy Issues?"

"Closed last month."

"Tarts of Darkness?"

"The bouncers hate me."

"The Assy Knoll?"

"Too... Assy." Black nodded slowly, satisfied with his answer.

"How about the Prancing Perenium?"

"That sounds familiar..." Black said thoughtfully.

"Yeah, it used to be called the Tawdry Taint. The new owners classed it up a bit." Gray reported.

"Did they finally fumigate it while they were classing it up?" Black asked pointedly.

"No." The man in gray sighed.

"Pass." The man in black shook his head.

"Cathode Ray's Boob Tube?"

"That place... " He trailed off. "Ain't what it used to be." He finished succinctly.

"Hall of Harems?" Gray suggested.

"Wasn't that place called Aladdin's Magic Tramp a while back?"

"Yeah." Gray nodded. "But Disney made them change it."

"I don't like that place." Black waved the suggestion off. "Too pretentious. Half the time it's togas, half the time it's the dance of seven veils. They need to pick a goddamn theme and stick with it. It's a strip club, not a prom." Black insisted.

"What about Fahrenheit 36-22-36 - you know, 'the temperature at which passions burn?'" Gray gestured grandly, trying to deliver the subtitle the way the proprietor would have wanted it.

"Doesn't that place have a couple of sister clubs?" Black rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"Yeah, Brave New Girls and The Mammary Hole, I think." Gray recalled.

"Alright, alright, we got some contenders there." Black conceded.

"Ooh! How about Teen Town?" Gray actually bounced a little bit when the idea struck him.

"No." Black shook his head with absolute finality. "I'm not going back there. That place is like eating a whole box of chocolates in one sitting. It's all well and good in the heat of the moment, but it's just not worth the guilt later on."

"I forgot you had a daughter that age." Gray muttered. "Alright then. So what actually sounds good?" His exasperation was evident.

"I don't know, man." Black sighed. "Actually, I'm kind of hungry." He rapped his fingers on his stomach.

Gray stopped in his tracks. The two men faced each other with identical grins of inspiration. "The Salisbury Ocelot!" They yelled simultaneously.

"Fuckin' love that place! Nice girls, and they got that midnight buffet." Black snapped his fingers excitedly.

"Let's go!" Gray grinned.

"Not yet. Ten more minutes for this new kid to show up. After that, fuck him. Danny can gut him for all I care. And he better have a good story to tell when he gets here, or I'll tell Danny to gut him anyway." He checked his watch and shook his head. "Hurry up kid - nine minutes and you're dead." He muttered under his breath.

"Fuckin' kids." Gray muttered in disgust. Operating outside the law didn't give one a license to operate outside the rules of being on-goddamn-time.


Meanwhile, Dave, Mindy and the Crusader were crouched behind a parked car where they'd been observing the two men. "Fuck diamonds. Night vision binoculars are a girl's best friend." Mindy muttered as she adjusted the focus.

"So what do you think?" Dave asked quietly.

"Definitely up to no good. They're waiting for something. Doesn't take two guys to sell drugs though - maybe it's a handoff?" Mindy theorized.

"What do you want to do?" Dave looked to Mindy expectantly.


Dave approached the dimly-lit figures in the alley, keeping his hands in his pockets and his face hidden in shadow.

"It's about fuckin' time, kid." Black declared in irritation.

"You were three minutes from dead, you know that?" Gray piped up.

Black put up a hand to silence him. "Easy. Let's just get this done and hit the Ocelot."

"The Ocelot?" Dave blurted in confusion.

"Salisbury Ocelot. They got a midnight buffet." Gray clarified.

"But you don't need to know that, 'cause your ass is gonna be right here til sunrise." Black chuckled.

"Oh really?" Dave asked casually.

"Yeah really. That's what you signed up for. It's dull, but it has its moments. Don't get shot, don't get arrested." Black warned, and pulled a bag of white powder from his jacket.

"Sounds easy enough." Dave grinned, then threw his first-ever high-voltage punch straight into Black's face.

In the instant of contact, Black's body seized. As soon as he began to fall, he went limp and the smell of charred flesh filled the air. Gray was reaching into his own jacket when Mindy came out of the shadows behind him and slashed his throat. Mindy kept her eye on Gray as he bled out, flailing and gurgling, recognizing in his last moments that prison would have been better than this.

Mindy disarmed the dying man while Dave and Crusader busied themselves kicking Black in the stomach and face. Eventually the man stopped trying to fight back, curling into a tight ball while the blows rained down. At that point, Mindy extended her new arm blade and pointed it at the fallen man's face, waiting for him to open his eyes while Dave and Crusader rifled through his pockets. Dave extracted a handgun, a cell phone and a pocket knife, throwing the weapons out of the man's reach and pocketing the phone.

"Are you going to be a good boy?" Mindy asked condescendingly.

"Yes!" Blood escaped Black's mouth along with his answer.

"Good. 'Cause if you're not, Hit Girl will chop your head off." Dave explained delicately.

Black opened his eyes and saw Mindy's blade. "Jesus." He hissed, trying to scoot away from her.

"Ah, ah!" Mindy warned, stepping closer and pressing the blade into his neck. "No squirming."

"No squirming!" The man wailed, holding his hands up defensively.

"Who's your supplier?" Mindy demanded with a manic grin.


"Well, that was pretty easy." Crusader remarked after they had all settled back into the Chariot and set off for their next destination.

"Yeah, not bad at all." Mindy agreed. She picked up the cooler, tipping the entire thing toward her face and drinking what had melted so far. She moved to wipe her hand on her sleeve but stopped abruptly when she realized that her sleeve was carbon fiber instead of cloth. She shrugged and offered the cooler to Dave, who took a drink and replaced the lid.

Muffled banging and shouting came from the trunk. For a moment, awkward silence reigned in the car.

"So... what are we doing with this guy?" G inquired.

"We'll ditch him after we get what we want." Mindy answered dismissively.

"You gonna feed him a fistful of coke?" Dave chuckled.

"Actually, I really wanna see if this thing will go through his sternum." Mindy fingered her retracted arm blade excitedly.

"So you're gonna kill him either way?" G asked.

"Probably." Mindy nodded.

"Does he know that?" G asked bluntly.

"Not... really." Crusader answered. "We may have told him we'd let him go if he helped us lay a trap for his associates."

Mindy shook her head. "Stupid gangsters." She laughed.

"If only they'd stayed in school." Dave intoned regretfully.

"So where did you learn all your fancy ninja moves?" G inquired.

"I don't have fancy moves. What little I have, I learned from Hit Girl." Dave answered bluntly.

"Where did she learn?" Crusader piped up.

"I learned them from family. I was raised to be a hero." Mindy's tone was only slightly boastful.

"Damn, really? You ever enter a martial arts tournament or anything?" G gestured vaguely with one hand before he had to downshift at a stoplight.

"I've never bought into that crap. There's a big difference between competitions and fights to the death, and I only do deathmatches. Besides, I don't need some Chinaman in his pajamas telling me my 'form' is off or that my 'chi' is fucked." Mindy scoffed.

"Please don't say Chinaman. That word won't make you any friends." Dave winced.

"It could make me some racist friends." Mindy argued. "But I guess those would be lame, so... good point."

The Crusader twitched with silent laughter.

Before locking him in the trunk, Mindy had asked their prisoner to set up a trap for at least four people, and he had given her five names. She'd also asked where she could have them meet that they wouldn't find suspicious, and reminded him that if nobody showed up, she'd kill him. Thus they had crafted their piece of gangster-bait: kid told me we might be able to rob his friends. big haul if we can manage it but gotta move tonight. meet at cipriani?

They'd received a few affirmative responses already, including one from the man who reportedly had keys to the Cipriani restaurant Black had mentioned. She began crafting another mass text: will be late. couldn't find cab. on my way now.

Mindy smiled deviously. That message would account for Black's absence and allow them to wait for their targets to show up.

When they arrived, Mindy instructed the Crusader to cover the front door of the building, wedging the front door shut with his sword to cut off that avenue of escape. In the event that he or G saw trouble approaching from outside, G was instructed to honk the horn.

Dave and Mindy were huddled by the back door, preparing for their assault. Mindy noticed a feral cat rooting through a dumpster and dropped to one knee, attempting to coax it toward her. It ignored her. "Fine." Mindy sighed. "You look bitchy anyway."

Dave just stared at the door, holding the gun they'd recovered from Black. Mindy had disassembled and reassembled it in the car and declared it to be in working order, so it would serve as a last-resort weapon for this assault. Gunshots were conspicuously loud, and they preferred to avoid them when possible.

"Hey, if we didn't have the flashbang, we could use angry alley cats. You could just throw the cat in there and let it soften them up a little." Mindy whispered, miming an underhanded throw of something cat-sized. "That's like a shrapnel bomb that keeps on giving."

Dave shuddered at the brutal image she'd put in his head. Cats are just so pointy. "I'm pretty sure catting is a war crime."

"All's fair in love and war." She insisted. "And pest control." She added.

"If you want to get rabies or cat AIDs..." He paused. "I was going to say 'be my guest,' but please just don't touch feral cats."

"Fair enough. It's a shame my song will go to waste, though. I just made it up." Without waiting for an invitation, she began to sing quietly.

"How much is that kitty in the garbage?
The one with the sharp teeth and claws
We'll throw his cute ass at some gangsters
And teach them to violate laws!
"

She finished with a sweeping gesture and a pageant-worthy smile.

Dave golf-clapped almost silently while shaking his head. "You have a gift."

"I know." She grinned, then removed the Spicy Flashbang Surprise from her belt. "This should be fun." She examined the homemade explosive excitedly, eager to see its effects.

"Yeah, should be a cakewalk." Dave declared, though there was a definite note of apprehension behind his words.

"That's just a weird phrase. I mean, what the hell is a cakewalk?" Mindy demanded.

"Probably the sort of thing you wear petticoats to." Dave replied nervously.

"What the fuck is a petticoat?" Mindy asked plaintively.

"Probably the sort of thing you'd wear to a cakewalk." Dave shrugged.

Mindy sighed, still bothered about the origin of the strange idiom. "Alright, we open the door, throw the Surprise, let it pop, and wait for them to come running before we try to go in." She summarized the plan again. "You ready?"

"I guess so." Dave gave a lengthy, somewhat shuddery sigh of his own.

Mindy could see the fear in his eyes. "Hey." She spoke softly, but forcefully. "You and I are the scariest things here." She'd said this to Dave on countless occasions, just as Damon had said it to her. She only said it when Dave really needed to hear it. She said it pretty often.

"I know." Dave nodded nervously.

"I don't think you believe it." She shook her head. "Repeat after me: 'I'm the scariest thing in the room.'"

"We're not in a room." He pointed out.

"Say it." Mindy commanded.

"I'm the scariest thing in the room." He dutifully repeated, and tried his best to believe it.

"'I'm Kick-Ass, and Kick-Ass is a force of nature.'" She prompted.

"I think that's a bit much, isn't it?" Dave said doubtfully.

"Say it." Mindy couldn't help but crack a smile.

"I'm a force of nature." He said dully.

"And you know what they say about Kick-Ass." Mindy's smile turned impish.

"What?" Dave asked.

Mindy rose to her tiptoes to whisper into his ear. "In the presence of a mate, he's seven feet tall." She pecked him on the cheek and fell back onto her heels. "Now... are you ready to wreck this place?"

Dave felt a familiar process beginning somewhere between his shoulderblades - a falling, tingling, sweaty sensation. The kiss had helped. I'm Kick-Ass. It was the feeling of fear being turned into hate and bloodlust - fuel for the battle ahead. His body couldn't distinguish between a room full of surprised men armed with handguns and the lions and mammoths that his ancestors might have faced, but it was all relatively the same in the end: Kill or be killed. Simple enough. I'm the scariest thing in the room.

"I'm ready." He said. And he was. He had balls of brass. Bulletproof armor. Dead nerves. And now, Dave had the love of the black and purple death goddess beside him, and a fist full of fucking lightning. He pitied the people in that building.

Dave took the Surprise from Mindy and lit it while she wrenched the back door open. He threw it in and Mindy slammed the door shut. There were mumbles, then shouts of panic from inside, then an explosion. Mindy ran to hide in the shadow of the dumpster while Dave stood at the ready on the other side of the door. They each held one end of a length of rope.

The first man came barreling out, tripped over the rope and pitched face-first into the concrete. "FUCK!" He clutched at his face, which - in addition to his fresh road rash - was already reddened by the pepper spray and sprinkled with screws. He wasn't much of a threat. Dave and Mindy stayed put.

A second man stumbled out, his eyes clenched shut in pain. He too tripped over the rope and landed on his side. The gun he'd been holding flew out of his hands and tumbled into a heap of trash. Mindy rushed out of her hiding place and slashed the first man's throat. Seeing that he was no longer needed as an anchor, Dave dropped the rope and moved to punch the second man into submission with his Zeus Knuckles. The man's face sizzled, and the smell that came off of it reminded Dave of those god-awful stuffed peppers his mother used to make. Pepper spray. Right. That makes sense.

Dave was interrupted from that musing by a kick to his side. His armor kept him from being hurt, but he was knocked onto his back by the impact. A third man had arrived, and he seemed to be relatively uninjured by the Spicy Flashbang Surprise. Perhaps he'd been smart enough to take cover. Mindy was glad a challenge had arrived.

It seemed a little cliche, but as Dave watched the battle unfold, he couldn't help but observe that Mindy's movements were more like a dance than an attack. The steps were never the same, but they were always beautiful, always improvised, and always perfect. He knew they were perfect because she always survived.

More than any other part of the hero gig - the fame, the glory, the satisfaction, or the easy money - Dave loved the opportunity to watch Mindy work. It was like watching an artist or an Olympian, except Dave had never seen anyone paint with oil or watercolor the way Mindy could paint with blood.

It might sound crazy, but she seemed almost to move outside of time itself. It was like she could take every little moment - every little decision some poor hoodlum could make - and just pluck it from the timeline. She'd hold it in her hands, turning it over until she knew it completely. Then she'd crush it. And it all would have happened in the blink of an eye.

Mindy's courage was inspiring. Though Dave sometimes wondered if it was really courage at all - maybe it was just the confidence that only comes from certainty. Dave looked at a pack of menacing, gun-toting figures and saw the risks. Sometimes - most times - the fear almost paralyzed him. What got him moving again was Mindy. When she looked at the same scene, she just saw a playground. If Mindy were a fish, the air between a gaggle of gangsters would be her sea.

Knowing she was charging in right beside him - always with the joyous determination of a toddler on a jungle gym - gave him the courage to keep going until every threat was eliminated.

After all, someone had to watch her back.

In this particular case, though, Mindy seemed to have the situation well in-hand. She beat the man mercilessly, simultaneously carving him up with her fighting knife. She gave him an opportunity to throw a punch here and there, but she never let him land one. After she managed to wedge her primary knife into his leg, she pulled out one of her throwing knives and flung it into the man's cheek to give herself time to line up a kick. The knife went in, the kick hit home, and the man fell backward. Mindy grinned malevolently as the fallen thug gasped for breath, clutching his chest in pain. She extended the blade on her gauntlet, drew back a punch, and drove it straight into the man's chest. He tried to grab the blade and pull it out, but all he succeeded in doing was shredding his hands since Mindy's entire weight was behind the blade. She withdrew it and quickly plunged it in again, this time striking his heart.

"Nice." Dave nodded emphatically.

"I know, right?" Mindy agreed, yanking the blade out and wiping it off on the dead man's jacket. "I like this thing. And we didn't have to shoot anybody. Nice and quiet." She pointed out cheerfully, retracting the blade. "Everybody dead?" She asked as she recovered the knife from his leg.

"I think my guy's out cold if you wanna finish him." Dave gestured to the man he'd beaten and shocked unconscious.

"Can do!" Mindy saluted her partner playfully and went to ensure that the man in question bled out.

Dave called the Crusader and asked him to bring their friend from the trunk around back to "identify his friends." After Mindy dispatched the man in black, the three heroes began the looting.


The trio rejoined Lateral G in the Chariot with a fairly disappointing haul - just a few small bags of drugs they'd have to dispose of, phones, and several sets of car keys. "Alright. I've got a few sets of keys here." Mindy turned over a snarl of keychains in her palm. "Audi. BMW. More BMW. Lexus. Land Rover..."

"Those things are pretty roomy, aren't they?" Crusader cut in.

"Yeah, if you want to drive a studio apartment." G scoffed.

Mindy tapped the unlock button on the Land Rover remote. A large black SUV blinked its lights in response. At Crusader's suggestion, the group got out of the Chariot walked over to inspect it up close. Mindy tapped the button again, briefly illuminating the area around the car enough to make out a badge. "Range Rover Sport." She read.

"...now that could be an exception to my rule." G admitted.

"Please let it be an exception." Crusader muttered under his breath.

"He has a rule?" Dave asked.

"No SUVs." Crusader answered. "But his car's so small." He grimaced.

Mindy tossed the keys to G, who fumbled them. He picked them up, cursing under his breath and opened the driver's door. Before he got in, he did a double-take, examining the door from slightly inside, then slightly outside. "That's not glass." He whispered. "That's... bulletproof glass. Or Lexan. But look at that shit, it's like an inch thick..." He said in awe.

"You're telling me this thing's bulletproof?" Mindy asked with a grinch-worthy smile.

"At least the glass is. Hang on a sec." G climbed into the front and peered over the dash. He found a familiar plaque with the initials PAC. "Holy shit yes. Yes. Yes. This thing is from PAC. I've seen their stuff before. They bulletproof anything. Even sports cars." He stepped out and faced the rest of the group with a comically huge grin. "This whole thing is bulletproof."

"Well, I suppose drug lords are in the target market for that sort of thing." Crusader mused aloud.

"Oh, we're keeping this." Mindy smiled, reaching out to touch the vehicle. A bulletproof car more than makes up for a cash-free night.

G tried to hand the keys back to Mindy, but she pushed them back at him.

"It's yours now. We have nowhere to put it. If we pay you, can you find a safe place to park it so we can use it for patrols?" She asked.

"You really want me to keep it?" G asked in awe, laying a hand on the cool metal.

"If you keep driving us around, definitely. You guys are great support." Mindy replied.

"Well, I park for free at the shop, so it's really no problem. I'll hold on to it, but I still say it's yours. You're the ones who earned it. How about that, Kroos? I've got something with no paper trail, and you've finally got a getaway car big enough for your jelly rolls." He clapped one of Crusader's bulky pauldrons.

"This is all muscle and armor and you know it." Crusader said dismissively.

G walked around the car slowly, admiring it from every angle. "Bulletproof... Range Rover... Sport. Pimpest thing I've ever seen. Best night ever." He finished in a whisper.

"He gets like this with cars." Crusader explained unnecessarily.

"So Kick-Ass, Hit Girl, what do you wanna call this thing?" G asked.

"You guys like naming stuff too?" Dave pointed at the two other men in mild surprise.

"Every car needs a name." G replied distractedly.

"How about... the Hit Wagon." Mindy suggested.

"Not bad." Crusader nodded.

"I like it." Lateral G grinned.

"Nice." Dave agreed. He fist-bumped his petite lover in celebration of their acquisition.

"You know, I'll have an easier time storing this thing if I can say we're modifying it." Lateral G hinted.

"You want to pimp our new ride?" Mindy asked.

"Yes. Hell yes. I want this thing to be ready for the fucking X Games. Short ram, sway bar, maybe chip it..." He trailed off.

"Does all that shit make it go faster?" Mindy asked flatly.

"Yeah." G nodded with wide-eyed sincerity.

"Then do it. Just don't do anything impractical. Make it better for hero work, but don't make it stand out." She warned.

"Sleeper. Got it. Any budgetary limits?" G asked in a surprisingly businesslike tone, as if he'd done something like this before.

"Nope. Go nuts." Mindy smiled.

"We stack paper like rappers, so... yeah, go nuts." Dave agreed.

"Oh, there he goes." Crusader muttered as G stroked the car in ecstasy. "He won't sleep, you know." He said matter-of-factly to Mindy and Dave. "He'll just be up all night ordering parts and comparing torque curves and what-have-you." He rolled his eyes. Clearly, Crusader had been on the receiving end of G's automotive chatter before.

Dave's stomach growled. "I'm kinda hungry." He spoke for Mindy's benefit. She typically got hungry after performing heroic feats as well.

"I guess dinner was a while ago. Wanna go hit the Salisbury Ocelot?" She offered with a snicker.

"Ha, no." Dave said shortly. "That place sounds... pretty shady." He laughed.

"I ate all the jerky." G mumbled apologetically.

Mindy wasn't surprised. "Well, what do you guys say we take the Hit Wagon to Manhattan and turn some of this pocket change into hot dogs?" She proposed, gesturing to the wad of bills she'd liberated from their prey's wallets.

The men nodded with various levels of enthusiasm, Dave's and G's being the highest.

"Let me just move my car a couple blocks, then we'll get going." G ran back to the Chariot and put some distance between it and the grisly crime scene they were leaving behind. Mindy suspected G might be looking forward to driving the Hit Wagon.

Mindy was right. Lateral G didn't so much drive the car as caress it - gently exploring every feature whenever they hit a stoplight, running his fingertips along the supple leather and precise stitching of the interior. Clearly, he was in love. It wasn't as fast as the Chariot, but the Chariot couldn't comfortably hold four heroes and a huge amount of equipment. It also couldn't hop curbs. Most importantly, it wasn't bulletproof. Dave and Mindy found the Crusader's quiet glee over being able to fit in a vehicle in full armor entertaining. He kept reaching up to touch the roof as if he was confirming that it was actually there.


They found a hot dog vendor on the edge of Manhattan catering to the extremely late-night bar crowd. Dave, Mindy, and the Crusader got in line, though they quickly advanced several places because the drunks kept insisting that Kick-Ass and Hit Girl needed hot dogs right fucking now and that their new friend with the shiny helmet should go with them. Dave and Mindy modestly thanked their adoring fans and soon reached the front of the line, where the bleary-eyed and sullen proprietor didn't even bat an eye at the three heroes. Dave went first.

"And what can I get you, string bean?" The man asked as though Dave was boring him.

"Chili and cheese." Dave answered slowly, eyeing the man with distrust. While he was occupied with preparing their orders, Dave leaned down and spoke to Mindy out of the side of his mouth. "String bean? What is that? Was that racially motivated somehow?"

"Maybe it's because you're green." Mindy shrugged.

Dave pursed his lips in annoyance and Mindy smiled cheekily at him as he stepped aside to make way for her. As Mindy placed her order, a relatively sober young woman left her place in line and asked Dave if she could get a picture of him with Hit Girl. He offered his most genial, heroic smile and told her he'd leave it up to Hit Girl.

He leaned down to speak into Mindy's ear. "Hey, this girl wants a picture of us."

"Oh really?" Mindy replied. She poked her head around Dave and saw the excited young woman holding her phone at the ready. "Alright." She said evenly. Her smile was scheming, but Dave figured she was probably just planning to give him bunny ears again. Mindy took his hot dog and handed it to the Crusader, who took it with some confusion while stuttering out his order to the unpleasant hot dog vendor. Dave was slightly puzzled - he didn't mind a hot dog being in the picture, though he supposed it probably made him look less majestic.

"Ready?" Mindy asked.

"Yeah!" The woman answered, holding her phone at eye level.

"Catch me!" Mindy shouted. Before Dave could react, he had two hands full of Mindy's ass. She wrapped her legs around his waist and kissed him enthusiastically. Her mouth was so distorted by her smile that it was hardly an actual kiss at first. By the time Dave lowered Mindy to the ground a few seconds later, several flashes had gone off. When she was back on her feet, Mindy moved to accept her hot dog as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

"Omigod you guys are together?" The woman they'd posed for screeched excitedly.

Dave looked at Mindy with a mix of amusement, confusion and hesitation.

"Yeah." Mindy shrugged nonchalantly. "He's mine. Property of Hit Girl." She smiled smugly and smacked Dave on the ass, nearly causing him to drop his chili dog.

They soon returned to the Hit Wagon, consuming their late-night snack as they rode back to the vicinity of the Cipriani, where they dropped G off at his car. Instead of bidding him goodnight, Crusader said something about seeing him at the shop. The large plate-clad man then drove the young lovers back to the rendezvous point where the night had begun. He bade them goodnight, though good morning would have been more accurate. After leaving their armor in the back of the Hit Wagon for the sake of convenience (with Crusader's assurance that G would be able to hide it), they parted ways, the young couple walking back to the safehouse in hoods and masks while Crusader presumably went to meet his partner.

"I'd call that a good night out." Dave smiled with satisfaction.

"A car, a chauffeur, and a guaranteed place to park? We're doing better than 99% of New Yorkers. I feel like a Rockafeller or some shit." Mindy agreed.

"And you managed to give the whole city an interesting headline for tomorrow." Dave pointed out. "Let's just hope none of those people had a really good camera."

"Our faces were mashed together, and I was partially turned away." Mindy reminded him. "Believe me, I thought it through."

"Well-done." Dave nodded. "Good strategy."

"Thank you." She genuflected with a sarcastic flourish of her hand.

Dave grabbed Mindy's hand, and she squeezed his in response, leaning her head against his shoulder as they walked. "So do you think we'll be in the papers, or just blow up the internet again?" He asked quietly.

"Front page of the Times. Wait and watch." Mindy yawned.


"Blugh. Remind me to buy stock in the company that makes IcyHot. 'Cause I'm probably gonna buy a crate tomorrow." Mindy moaned, flopping forward onto the safehouse's sole piece of furniture. It wasn't especially soft, but after a patrol, a bed was a bed.

Dave took a seat on the edge of the bed and removed his boots. Mindy rolled over and did the same before she flopped back down next to her boyfriend. A few seconds later, Mindy's nose twitched. "Oh god. What..?" Her face scrunched up in distaste. "Your feet smell like fermented sadness." Mindy choked out, fighting both the stench and her own laughter.

"So do yours!" Dave protested weakly.

"I can't stand this." Mindy shook her head vehemently, though her eyes were still smiling. "We should stick them in the tub. Maybe the heat will help too."

"Sounds good. Let's go make stink soup." Dave chuckled.

Dave hauled his aching body into the bathroom to run a very hot, shallow bath. Mindy hung back in the doorway, watching him roll his pants up to his knees as water splashed into the tub. She'd have to roll her leggings up too, unless... That's an idea. She rolled her leggings down and stepped out of them, leaving them pooled in the doorway. Dave looked up at her and smirked, admiring the view for only a second before taking a seat on the side of the tub and dipping his feet into the scalding water.

"Oh balls that's hot!" He hissed. Soon, he closed his eyes and sighed as he grew accustomed to the heat. The water warmed the air around him, prompting him to remove his shirt. As soon as the shirt was gone, he closed his eyes again and kicked his feet gently back and forth, forcing the water between his toes, renewing the sensation of heat against his abused flesh.

He felt Mindy sit down next to him and heard her feet join his in the tub with a small splash. He turned one of the hands that had been resting on his legs palm-up, and Mindy took the invitation, placing her hand in his. He opened his eyes to offer her a smile but was instead quite startled to find she'd removed both her shirt and her bra. Mindy smiled in amusement at Dave's raised eyebrows. "Now we match." She said with an innocent shrug.

Dave let out a snort of derision and put an arm around her, pulling the topless girl into his side.

"You're sticky." Mindy murmured.

"So are you." Dave countered quietly, pressing a kiss to her forehead. Her skin tasted salty.

"Touché." Mindy nodded almost imperceptibly. "Love you." She added. The sentiment had popped into her head unbidden, and she felt compelled to share it.

"Love you too." Dave replied thickly. He was nodding off on the side of the tub.

Mindy really would have liked to make lecherous advances on Dave in his weakened and shirtless state, but she was too damn tired. She settled for cuddling up to him in bed after they'd finished their therapeutic soak. As soon as Dave was wrapped around her, she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep and didn't move an inch until lunch time the following day.

That was the hardest chapter I've had to write. So much needed to happen, and it was a challenge to describe all that action. Interesting times are ahead. I think it's all downhill from here. Please review and let me know if you find mistakes, since I was really excited to get this one out.