Without A Sound 12

So, there was a question raised last chapter about how Jake could get hurt when he's a werewolf? Werewolves can get hurt, they just heal fast. I was just trying to go by what's in the book, lol. And also, Jake never helped her before because as previously mentioned in the other chapters, Bella would have killed him.

I've also changed the rating to M because of language and violence (and maybe a little sex in future chapters).

Oh, and go vote in the poll on my profile. I'll leave the poll up until, February 1st. So go vote.

On with the chapter!

(AN: this is like two weeks after the last chapter ended. And also, I'm not going to lie, there are parts of this chapter like the dream that are pretty disturbing, I'm sorry.)

When Paul left again tonight, I just wanted someone to be around. I felt alone and I didn't want to be alone for too long.

Hey, what are you doing?
- Bella

Nothing, why?
- Jacob

Can you come over? I don't want to be alone here…
- Bella

No problem, I'll be right over.
- Jacob.

While I waited, I got out my old sketchbook and started to etch out what had been on my mind. It had been bothering me for days. I haven't been able to sleep, I can't eat, hell, I can't even think straight anymore. And Paul's been starting to notice. I don't know how much longer I can keep this from him.

I've been having nightmares.

Really bad nightmares about Victoria and Laurant and other vampires.

They're all the same.

xxXxXxx

I get a call late at night when Paul is off on patrol from a man with a hypnotic voice. He tells me to go outside to the woods and wait for him or else. Of course I go outside and wait for him and of course he appears out of nowhere. His cold flesh freezes my skin as he drags me through the forest to a little cabin in the middle of the woods. He doesn't say anything as we travel there.

I never really get a good look at him until we get there and he locks me up in a room with himself and three other beautiful people with pale white skin and red eyes. The room reeks of death and blood. I hear a howl in the distance. They all, the four people, leap out the window and soon after, I hear growling and yelping and this awful metallic screeching. Three out the four come back with an animal carcass. Clearly the poor thing was dead or at least close to it. I think it's a wolf. When I look closer at it, I think it's my wolf. But I wasn't sure. It was all limp but kind of twitching a little bit. They throw it to the floor at my feet and it yelps so loud. He's in so much pain. I just want to cry. He picks his head up off the floor and looks me in the eye with so much anger and hatred, he couldn't me my Paul. It just couldn't.

But it was. And without even phasing, he starts talking to me. "I never loved you!" I was taken aback. "Now I'm dying and it's all your fault! I hope these fucking leeches kill you nice and slow!" The big grey beast yells at me. I looked up and the vampires were gone, only Paul remained. I didn't know what I could have possibly done to make him hate me so much. To hear that from the only thing I've ever loved, it broke my heart into a million pieces. I wanted to die, right then and there. I wish the vampires would come back just so that they can put me out of my misery. Nothing in the world that they could do to me could be more painful than this. He growled at me and tried to stand up but he was too weak. "If I was strong enough I'd kill you were you stand!" the wolf spat out at me.

How could he say that? I mean, he loved me, and I loved him. To have him act this way, to say these things so me, it was like someone punched a gaping hole in my chest, yanked my heart out, threw it on the ground, and stomped on it until it was unrecognizable. I fell to my knees. There was so much pain in my chest, I couldn't even breathe.

The vampires rush back in and take Paul to the far side of the room. He snapped and growled and them, but they proceeded to beat the shit out of him until I couldn't even tell if he was breathing anymore. I cry even more, and the pain in my chest intensifies, if that's even possible. They all bend down to him and sink their teeth into his flesh and he yelped loudly in pain. Before I could even get up to try to help him, they were done and he was dead. "Goodbye pup." Victoria snickered, wiping his blood off her face. "He was an eternal pain in my ass," she muttered. It was like when he died, my soul died with him. I couldn't bare the pain anymore.

I wish they would kill me already.

One of the vampires laughs at me. "Bella, Bella, Bella. Silly girl, we're not gonna kill you yet." He said. He knew I wanted to die so badly, it was like he could read my mind. He was tall; he had pale skin, red eyes, he had reddish brown hair, and a wicked smile playing at his lips. Just by his expression, I knew I was going to go through hell before they finally just killed me.

"Yes Bella, I can read minds, and I'd like to honestly say, I've never seen someone want death so much before physical pain was even inflicted." He smirked at me. "Congratulations," he laughed, sarcastically.

"Jesus Christ, JUST FUCKING KILL HER ALREADY!" Victoria screamed."That's why we're here!" She runs over to me and throws me against the wall. But my face smashed against the window on my way down. I heard glass shatter, and I inwardly smiled. I felt the warm sticky blood trickle down my face as the glass sank deeper into my skin. When I fell to the ground my body didn't even hurt as much as my heart. I laughed. This was all she had? This was weak.

"What the fuck is she laughing at?" she asks the mind reader.

"You're not hurting her enough. She wants more. Se wants to know if that's the best you got." He whispers in astonishment.

"WHAT?" she screeches. "You want more?" she yells. She flies over to me and kicks me and punches me until I can't move. She beats me until I'm sure every bone in my body is broken. Until my body is just as broken as my spirit, my heart, my soul. But it doesn't hurt half as much as the rest. The physical pain was excruciating but the emotional pain from what the wolf had said was infinitely more worse. His words kept playing over and over in my head until I wanted to pour bleach in my brain to make it stop. I could deal with the beatings. What I couldn't deal with, is the trauma of losing the only thing that I have ever loved in such a horrible way and before you can make up whatever you did, watch as the life is being literally sucked from them. That's the worst thing I will ever experience, I know it. And it keeps playing in HD on repeat. Every time I close my eyes, I can see it play out again and again. Victoria could beat me until forever but I'm sure it will never hurt as much.

"Victoria, you'll never hurt here enough. You'll never hurt her as much as the mangy mutt did. Just give up." The mind reader said to her as he pulled her away from me.

"What do you mean?" she inquires in astoundment.

"He held her heart in his hands and he squeezed it until there was nothing left. You will never be able to hurt her like that Victoria. Never."

They all were in front of me in an instant. I smiled. I knew, I knew it was soon to be over. If they weren't done with me soon, I have lost so much blood it was only a matter of time before I die anyway.

The one other vampire who hadn't said anything or done much really, was the one to actually kill me. She was short, she had long black hair. She bent down and did the one thing that none of the others probably even thought about. "You're heart hurts so much?" she asked. "Let me put you out of your misery, poor baby." She mocked me. She leaned over me and ripped my bloody shirt off. She digs her finger in my chest and pulled the flesh back until my rib cage was showing. She breaks my ribs back to get to my heart. She grabs my rapidly beating heart and rips it from my chest. Looking me in the eye, she takes a bite out of it.

xxXxXxx

This reoccurring dream is why I don't want to go to sleep. But it's not like I can tell Paul about it, he'll just freak out even more, he'll stress more. It's not like he's not stressed enough though. I mean, he's been so worried about me. He knows I haven't been sleeping, that I've been up every night for the past week downstairs baking and cooking all my dreams away. I've been getting like ten minute naps in class and drinking about seven energy drinks a day. I can't eat anything, unless its sugar. There are deep purple circles under my eyes, I'm jumpy and on edge all the time now. My nose is always in that sketchbook and I never let him see. He knows something is wrong and he's tried so much to talk to me, to get me to talk to him. He's trying so hard to understand why I push him away, why I'm shutting him out. It's killing him, I'm killing him, and I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me. He keeps himself at a distance now. He doesn't hold me anymore, doesn't kiss me, he doesn't really talk to me, hell, he hardly even looks in my direction anymore. It hurts him too much, and I hate myself a little more, every time I do it to him.

He just doesn't know what to do anymore and it tares me apart every time I have to see that hurt and pain in his eyes.

I heard a knock on the door just as I was putting up my colored pencils. This time I decided to give color to the morbid portrait I got out of my head and onto the thin piece of paper. It was of the short girl with black hair. She held my heart as my blood dripped down her mouth and hand.

I opened the door and hugged Jacob and let him to the kitchen so that he could put a dent in all this food. There was just so much here. I didn't have room for any of it anywhere.

I ran upstairs to put away my colored pencils when I heard Jacob yelling my name. "Bella! Get your fucking ass down here. Right now!" Oh god, what's he so worried about now?

I hurried back down the stairs to the kitchen and saw Jacob standing next to the couch shaking but he was getting himself under control. He had my sketchbook in his hand.

Fuck.

He was flipping through the pages flinching at everyone. Shaking a little more with every picture he saw. They were all about my nightmares. I had to get them on paper so that I could get them out of my head.

He looked up angrily at me. "What the fuck is this, Bella? And why didn't you tell any of us?" he started to rant. "Do you realize just how fucking worried we've been about you Bella? I don't think you do! You have no idea what this," he pointed at the mirror behind me so I'd turn around and look at it, "has been doing to Paul! He can't stop thinking about how you're wasting away to nothing, you won't eat. You're down here all night fucking baking every single goddamn night. You don't talk to him; you never smile anymore, let alone laugh. You walk around like a zombie Bella. You've been pushing him away while you shut down and you won't let anyone get close enough to help you!" he shouted.

I turned to look into the mirror. I looked hideous. My hair was everywhere, I had dark circles under my eyes, I was sickly thin. I was pale as a ghost. I almost did look like a zombie. This was exactly why I didn't look at mirrors anymore. I was tired of looking into that stupid hunk of reflective glass and seeing a defeated girl with dead eyes, dragging herself through the phases of life. That couldn't be me. It wasn't. Looking back into this stranger's eyes now, I couldn't help but wonder what happened to the girl who would stare back determinedly and say, "I'll show them." Where did she go? I missed her here, I think we all did.

"You're like an empty fucking shell. You're closing yourself off, pushing us away. You're jumpy and on edge, always waiting for something to jump out at you." He threw the sketchbook on the floor. "You have no clue what this has been doing to the pack because of what it's doing to Paul! And because of what, THIS?" he yelled picking up the book and flipping to the last page with a drawing on it. "Because of fucking vampires? Are you SERIOUS!" he screamed at me. He was shaking so bad.

'They are all a different part of my nightmare.' I signed to him. Paul and Jacob had taught me a few weeks ago, right after I got out of the hospital.

"What nightmare?" he asked. His tone was still harsh but he had stopped shaking considerably.

'The reoccurring dreams I'm having lately. That is why I can't sleep and can't eat. It's because every time I close my eyes, I have that nightmare.'

He flipped through the sketchbook again. He was almost calm now. He looked up at me. "You've got to be having the most fucked up dreams ever." He said thoughtfully.

'I know. But the only way that I stop thinking about it for a while, is if I get it out on paper. If I can do that, I can forget about it.'

The book dropped to the floor with a loud 'thud' when he rushed over to hug me.

"Tell me about you're nightmares. Maybe that'll help you too, to get it off you're chest." I cried a lot when Jacob hugged me.

Paul walked in the door then. "What's going on? Why is she crying?" he asked Jacob.

I ran over to him and hugged him so tight and he stood there for a minute like he was in shock. He stood with his arms down and hands at his sides, letting my tears soak through his shirt, like he didn't know what to do. I lifted my head from his chest and grabbed his hands. I reached behind me with his hands in mine, so that he'd get the idea. "Sorry." He mumbled as he kissed me on the forehead.

He sat us down on the couch, and Jacob urges me to tell them about my nightmares.

With a sigh, I told them about it.

"This is why you've—" I cut him with a kiss. I didn't want him to get upset like Jacob did.

Later that night I had given away all the food I had made this last week and cleaned the house until it was spotless, I took a nice hot shower. When I got out I felt good, this giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders, I finally felt safe again. I went downstairs and tried to find something to eat. It had been so long since I had an actual meal. It was amazing, to eat something and not have to immediately expel it. I ate and ate and ate, just because I could. Paul sat at the table dumbfounded at what he was seeing. He was speechless. When I was done I knew what I had to do.

I had to show him.

'If I show you something, promise me you won't get upset. And promise me you won't leave.'

He got a worried expression but he consented. I went to living room and got the sketchbook that I hid under the couch. I walked back over to him and I showed him the images that had been haunting my dreams. He was horrified when he flipped through the pages. "This," he flipped to the last page I drew, the only one with color, "Is the most fucked upthing I've ever seen." I nodded, because he was right, it was fucked up. He held me in his safe warm arms and kissed my hair. "I'll never let this happen," he said, throwing the book across the room and picking me up bridal style to our bedroom to sleep.

I slept a beautiful dreamless sleep and it was divine. I knew that I was safe here, I always would be.

Beep. Beep. BEEP! BEEEEEEEEEEP!

Oh my god, I wish that stupid thing would just shut the fuck up!

Beep!

I lifted myself off of Paul and tried to turn the alarm clock off. It just kept beeping. Finally I just ripped the cord from the wall and threw the stupid thing across the room. It clattered to the floor and I fell back to his chest where I felt safe and warm.

He brushed my hair back and whispered, "That was sexy," as he lifted me up so that I could go get ready for school. I smacked his shoulder and got up.

When we walked into school, everyone looked at me weird. I think it was because I looked a little better than yesterday. My circles weren't so dark; I had color in my face. I was energetic, smiling, I looked happy. There was a bounce in my step and I loved it.

That day, I had turned in all of my make up work from the weeks I was absent and I felt confidant in the work I handed in.

In psychology, we talked about internal fears and how they manifest. I was strangely involved in the topic. I was just glad that Mrs. Byrnes knew sign. I was glad I had started to learn a few weeks ago. Paul was still teaching me but I pretty much had it down. The class didn't really have much part in the discussion. Mrs. Byrnes tried to get them to talk but it was like they were clueless on what to say.

"No one can take a guess on how personal fears might manifest?" she asked in frustration, standing at the front of the class. I raised my hand and she called on me.

I signed to her, 'nightmares'

She got an excited gleam in her eyes as she wrote it on the board. "Yes! Nightmares can be one way. Any thing else?" I shrugged because I honestly couldn't think of anything else. "Well, let's start with that then." She said.

The phone rang and she rushed to answer it.

"Room 208 Mrs. Byrnes speaking, how may I help you?" she nodded her head and wrote a hall pass before hanging up the phone. She walked over to my desk and gave me the pass. "You're needed in the main office."

I was worried. I mean, what would they want with me in the main office, I hadn't done anything wrong.

I walked down the corridor and out of the doors. I trekked across the parking lot to the main office building. When I walked in the door my mother was standing there. She had tears in her eyes but they were like happy tears, she had a huge smile on her face, as she handed a slip to the receptionist at the front desk. She grabbed me by the hand and dragged me out to her car. I got in the car and rifled around for a pen and notebook.

What happened? Why are you here? Where are we going?

"Baby, we've got to go back home to Phoenix."

Arizona isn't my home. It's yours. Why are you taking me there?

"Phil and I are getting married!" she exclaimed, showing me her ring.

Mom, I want to be here. I don't want to go to Arizona with you.

"What?" she asked, shell-shocked. "Just because you like this boy–"

I got out of the car because right on queue, Paul walked out of building four with Jake and Embry.

"Bella you get back here this instant!" She whisper/yelled.

I froze mid-step. She rarely got mad and when she did… she got mad.

"Isabella Marie Swan! Get your fucking ass in the goddamn car. This instant!"

I snapped my head over to her, torn. She was so angry and I couldn't defy her, she was still my mother but I didn't want to go to Arizona. I didn't want to have to sacrifice my happiness, which is exactly what I'd be doing if I went with her. But I'd do it anyway. It didn't matter what I wanted or what made me happy, she was my mother and what she wanted, she got. Every time. And once again, she got her way because I had to disconnect myself from everything that was ever important to me because she was my mother and she still had that undeniable power over me that mothers had over their children at least until they were eighteen. I couldn't do anything until I turned eighteen. I was powerless until then.

"Get in the fucking car!" She really was pissed, she never swore. I got in the car and waved goodbye to the shaking boys watching us peel out of the parking lot. "I'll give you a day to pack your shit, then you're coming back with me no matter if you like it or not!"

We pulled up to the house and I got out while she sped away. I ran inside and packed my bag. And once again, I cried myself to sleep. This was starting to become routine. It was like, every time something good happened in my life, something had to come along and fuck shit up. It was fucking ridiculous.

It was ridiculous and I knew that but I still fucking cried myself to sleep.

And of course, I woke up wrapped in Paul's arms. I loved him and all, but I was getting sick of this shit too. I loved the feeling and loved that he cared enough and I most certainly loved that he wanted and need to be close to me when I was this upset but it was so fucking clichéd. When the fuck was my life going to go back to the way it was? Back when the most dangerous thing I had to worry about from day to day, was Edward Fuck-face Cullen bullying me? Now I have to make sure my fucking heart didn't beat too goddamn loud, vampires would come flocking from miles and miles if they knew blood was pumping through these veins. And why? Because I knew about them and I knew about werewolves.

Well, fuck me.

I hated knowing. I wanted for my life to go back the way it was. My father would still be alive, My family would still be together, Renée would not be off to Arizona marrying a baseball player with three kids, whom I'd probably have to babysit while those two were away, she would be safe at home and happy with Charlie right fucking now. Suddenly I hated the feel of hot arms around me, it just me think negatively. I didn't want them there, they only brought me trouble and heart ache.

I shoved him away and stormed downstairs to make some fucking brownies.

So? What did you think? Let me know in a review or PM or whatever :) So, yeah I'm sorry for the dream but… I had to. And I'm equally sorry for being a bitch and making Renée come get her. You want to know B's quote of the week? "You're a fucking whore! I don't know why I read this shit! Oh yeah… 'cuz it's ADDICTING! That's why! But you're still a bitch. And I still hate you for making her be mad at Paul. Whore." This was her expression during her rampage, .. Yep. And now I've got a giant bruise on my left arm 'cuz she punched me so hard for a "bitch-tastic" chapter. I must really love you guys for going through all this abuse.

Review for the starving kittens in Boston.

xx Michelle