The big brown envelope was mocking me. It thought I was a wimp for not opening it. It thought I was a coward for not tearing it open and reading what was inside. I had recognised the neat handwriting on the front as soon as Tasha had passed it to me half an hour ago, and I still hadn't been able to read what she had written. Tasha had watched me carefully as I handled the envelope with shaky hands, obviously wanting to know who it was from and what was inside, but I couldn't deal with her many questions, and so I had escaped to the safety of my own room, making sure to block the door with the chair as to make it impossible for Tasha to intrude on this moment.
I had no idea why she had written. This was the first time we had communicated since I had left. This was either the first step to reconciliation or the final blow to our friendship.
It was make it or break it.
I swallowed heavily, trying to calm to beating of my heart. I gulped down the fresh air, wiping my slightly sweaty hands on my tee-shirt before grabbing hold of the envelope and staring it head on. "You don't scare me," I muttered to it, completely aware of how crazy I sounded, talking to a freaking envelope.
Slowly, I ripped it open, unravelling the neatly folded up piece of paper, crammed full of words. I placed her letter down onto the table, and began reading.
Rose,
I'm not sure if this letter will find you. I'm not sure if you will even read this letter if it does get to you. I wouldn't blame you for tearing it up. But if you are reading this then thank you. Thank you for giving me the chance to explain.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a bitch. I'm sorry for not being there for you. I'm sorry for not inviting you to the engagement party. I don't know if you'll be able to forgive me, and I don't blame you if you never want to hear from me again. But I hope this letter will help to explain my actions, and maybe, just maybe, you will be able to understand why I did what I did.
I was wrong to side with Dimitri. I thought that after everything he had been through, he needed someone to help him; to protect him; to wrap him up in bubble wrap and make sure nothing bad ever happens again to him. Yes, he needed someone to stand up for him, but I should never have started to dictate who got to see him and when. I should have never have started to tell you what you can and can't do. I was worried for him. After all, there are so many people at Court who are out to get him, but you weren't one of them. Like me, you were on his side, but I refused to see that.
I was so focused on Dimitri that I neglected you. You needed me and I wasn't there. I feel so horrible about it. Not only are you my best friend, you're my sister, and I wasn't there supporting you when you needed me the most. Not only that, but I drove you out of Court. I'm wholly responsible for you leaving and I don't blame you. I would have left if I were in your shoes too because what I did, what I said, it wasn't nice.
And yet, you're still looking out for me, even though I've been the worst best friend in the entire world. Christian told me about the advice you gave him concerning the two of us and I can't thank you enough for helping us out. He explained to me how he was feeling, and I can't believe how far I let things get out of control; not just with Christian, but with you too. Instead of sorting things out, I just ignored the problem, hoping it would go away.
I was so busy calling you selfish that I failed to recognise that I'm the selfish one out of the two of us. You've been there for me. You've helped me so much over the years, not only with the side effects of the spirit, but with everything that happened to my family as well. You were there for me when I was out of control. You were there for me when I was depressed. You were always there for me and I am so grateful for it. You are the most amazing person I have ever met, Rose Hathaway.
I want you to be at the engagement party. I always wanted you to be there. But since finding out about Christian and me, Queen Tatiana has taken complete control over the planning and arrangements; I don't think she's too impressed with the idea of Christian and I getting married. She seems to think having you there will be 'inappropriate', but I don't see how having my family present is inappropriate. Because that is what you are to me; not only are you my best friend, you're the only family I have.
It would mean the world to me if you came, but I understand if you decide not to. I understand if you decide you can't forgive me. It's going to be like purgatory waiting to see if you come or not, but whatever happens, I will respect your decision. Whatever happens, I wish you all the best.
Love, Lissa X
Collapsing heavily onto the bed, I gripped Lissa's tightly in my hand, partially afraid that when I came to reread it, the words would have escaped and been replaced by more malicious ones.
A burst of laughter escaped from my lips; Lissa was sorry. Lissa wanted to me to be there. Lissa wanted me. I couldn't quite believe it. In one swift movement, I jumped off of the bed, feeling completely giddy and relaxed as I bounced around my room like an idiot.
I quickly scanned her letter again, making sure that I wasn't being delusional. Maybe I had finally lost it. But no, the words were the same. I laughed again before leaving my room and hurtling down the corridor to Tasha's office.
"I'm going to Court with you!" I exclaimed, bursting through the door at lightning speed. Tasha looked up, surprised at both my sudden appearance and the grin that was plastered on my face.
"Okay," Tasha said, smiling at my bizarre behaviour. "Mind explaining to me what's going on?"
"I got a letter from Lissa," I said, proudly showing her the said letter.
"May I?" she asked, and I nodded, passing her the letter to read. I watched her quickly scan it, praying that she was reading the same words I had read. It would just be my luck for her to tell me it didn't say what I had thought it had said. But to my relief, she started smiling, proving that I hadn't lost my last remaining marbles just yet. "I'm happy for you, Rose," Tasha told me, standing up and giving me a hug. "But," she started to say, causing me to take a step back and shaking my head maniacally. I didn't want to hear her but. I didn't want to know her but. I just wanted to be completely happy for the first time in months.
"No," I warned her, pointing my finger for added effect. "No buts."
Tasha laughed at my childish behaviour, but carried on speaking, much to my dismay. "But are you ready to return? Are you ready to see Dimitri?"
I watched her burst my bubble. In my sheer happiness, I had forgotten all about Dimitri. I had forgotten about what he had said. I had forgotten what Lissa had said. Sure, she was apologising for her actions now, but what was that saying? Actions speak louder than words. It was easy to say – or write – she was sorry. But did she mean it? Could I trust her? And more importantly, would I actually be able to deal with seeing Dimitri again?
"I'm not going to see Dimitri. I'm going to see Lissa," I told Tasha defiantly, but I knew seeing him would be inevitable. He was still worshipping Lissa. He was still following around Lissa. They came as a package now, and I would have to see him at some point during the trip. Despair ripped through my stomach due to the thought of seeing him again. I could feel myself already shrinking. I could feel my stitches coming undone. I could feel the heartache returning. "What am I going to do?"
Tasha pulled me into yet another warm and comforting embrace, before leading me to her chair and making me sit down. "If I were you, I'd just ignore him," she told me thoughtfully and truthfully as she leant against her desk. "You've spent too much time thinking about him. You've spent too much time mulling over what he has said. Dimitri doesn't deserve your time or your attention."
I nodded sadly, understanding what she was saying. But could I really simply ignore him? I was the type of person who had to poke the bear for curiosities sake. I couldn't let things be. I couldn't let things go. "Do you think that will be for the best?" I asked, needing Tasha's opinion. She was the only one who had an inkling of how I was feeling. She had been through something similar, and I needed her to help me though it. I needed her to guide me through it.
"I really do," she admitted, patting my hand. "Rose, you've only just picked yourself up from last time around. Do you really want to risk being turned into such a mess again?"
I nodded slowly, understanding where she was coming from. Maybe ignoring Dimitri was for the best. After all, that way he couldn't see how bad he had hurt me. That way, Lissa couldn't yell at me for daring to talk to him. That way, I could try and carry on with my life. "You're right, Tasha. Although I shouldn't be surprised; you're always right," I told her.
She laughed. "Aw, Rose, you're going to make me blush," she joked, straightening herself up. I laughed along with her, though I really wasn't in the mood for joking. I knew what I had to do; I had to bury all my feelings and pretend I just didn't care. I was going to have to lock my heart in an iron cage and through away the key. I couldn't allow myself to feel. I couldn't allow myself to be that vulnerable. I couldn't allow myself to get hurt by him again.
There was only one thing I could do to protect myself. Unlike Dimitri, I didn't have a guardian face. I spoke my mind and wore my feelings on my sleeve. But I didn't need a guardian face, because I had something so much better. I had the old Rose facade at my fingertips. The old Rose did what she wanted, when she wanted, and she didn't care about the consequences. She didn't care about anyone other than herself. And so, if I was going to survive this trip, I had to channel the old Rose. I had to be the girl I used to be.
AN: I have to apologise; this chapter isn't as long as the others. But instead of painfully dragging it out, I decided to leave it like this, because I'm only a couple of hundred off my average word count. Plus I had to work on the one-shot I promised you all, which is entitled Lonely Strings and is dedicated to my wonderful readers, so go check it out!
And guess what?! We've hit the 100 review mark. You guys are so amazing. I love you all so much! Thank you for everything!
Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN VA!
Ps...next chapter we're at Court! It's going to be amazing!
