Find It In Your Heart

I somehow knew that Kentin would be outside waiting on me the next morning when I walked outside. I slid my hand into his slowly, allowing him to pull away if he wanted to. When he didn't, I smiled up at him. He kissed me quickly and we began walking to school. The whole way there, our conversation was still as easygoing as it had been before we'd ever kissed or held hands. I stiffened once we were on campus. Kentin caught the hint and stopped walking, not letting go of my hand at all.
"What's wrong?" He asked me, his green eyes gazing right into my eyes.
"It's nothing." I lied. He blinked and kept staring at me. He stepped closer to me and pressed his forehead to mine. He was so close to me... "I don't want to face these people again." I confessed to him quietly.
"Fuck these people. They're all motherfuckin' bastards and cunts." He smiled down at me for a second. "They don't know anything about you. How smart you are, how brave, strong, beautiful inside and out you are. They don't know anything, don't let them get to you, okay?" I nodded. "C'mon, let's get this day over with." He kissed me, enough to make me want more and walked with me to class. I saw people stare and whisper behind cupped hands as me and Kentin walked into class. He went to his seat and I went to mine. Armin flushed as attention was directed back to our table. He glanced at me.
"Hi, Camilla." He mumbled. I know he hated how much people were staring and that I had made them stare.
"Hi, Armin." I mumbled back. I noticed that Amber wasn't in her usual seat. Charlotte was though, and looked kind if nervous and scared without Amber there. Even after the tardy bell rung, Amber still hadn't shown up. I tried to shake the cold feeling I got in my gut about her absence. But that cold feeling seemed to have frozen my guts over and was refusing to thaw out.

At the end of the day, I met with Iris and Li during lunch. They wanted to hang and have some girl time. At my old school, I had never really had 'girl-time' with anyone, since I didn't have any friends.
"So you and Kentin, huh?" Iris asked me curiously. We had left campus and were in a cafe just talking. I took a sip of my dark roast coffee. "Are you two a thing?" Li leaned in closer to hear my answer.
"Yeah, but we're taking things slow, well, you know why." I replied calmly. I didn't want to tell too much because from experience. I knew that once everyone knew what you did in the dark, no one wanted to be in the dark with you.
"Are you pressing charges against Nathaniel? I heard today that you are. And getting a lot of money involved in it." Li said to me. I shrugged and sipped at my coffee again.
"What would money gain? I just want him to be punished for what he did. I could care less about money." I glanced around the place. A few others from school had entered the cafe, but not enough to make me want to leave.
"Do you think Armin's cute?" Li asked after a long period of silence.
"He has really pretty eyes." Iris noted. "And his being quiet is kinda hot."
"Yeah, I think I want to go after him." Li declared to us.
"You guys would be cute. I can talk to him for you, if you want." I beamed at her, happy that we could talk about someone other than me and all my issues.

My aunt cautiously walked into my room that night. She didn't bother closing the door and she came and sat down next to me. I scooted over from where I was perched on my bed with my homework. Her facial expression told it all.
"Something's wrong. And you have bad news." I remarked. She nodded silently. "Might as well get it over with."
"I know things have not been in your favor lately, and everytime things get okay, something else happens. I'm not sure if it's this town or all of these things just happening. If you feel, at any point that it's this town, I'll let you leave peacefully. You can go live with Uncle Leo if you want." Aunt Danni was stepping on eggshells, avoiding whatever it was she needed to tell me. I set my math textbook aside and touched her hand gently.
"What is it? It really can't be that bad where I'd ever consider living with Uncle Leo." I tried to smile, but felt that my face just screamed pain.
"Your friend Amber, attempted suicide, she's at the hospital now, fighting for her life." The words confirmed that cold feeling. I sat back. I had just started to see Amber's ice melt, and she attempted suicide. I didn't cry, I had tried to talk to her before, and no matter what, the guilt must've gotten to her. "Would you like to go see her? We can if you want." I shrugged. What good was another visit for another person in Sweet Amoris General gonna do? I knew she was going to die before she even did. It wasn't the town. I knew most of these things didn't happen on a regular basis before I came. And now, not only was I the talk of the town, I was the bearer of all things tragic.

Amber's funeral was beautiful. I attended, after everyone had left. I didn't want to go when everyone who really loved and cherished her were there. Because, I thought that somehow, I was a little at fault for her death. I went and I lost track of how long I stared at her rosy marble slab headstone. There was a small picture of her on the headstone. It was a recent one, her makeup all done and her hair perfect. A small thing, and she was gone. Maybe it was this town. Maybe my being in this town, just resulted in utter and complete chaos. I sighed and left the graveyard. School was canceled that Monday in remeberence of 'such a young and potentially successful woman'. That Monday for some might've just been a free day off of school, but to me, it was a day of self-loathing. Kentin came over and tried to cheer me up.
"C'mon, I just want to see you smile." Kentin made a bunch of silly faces. "Please? I'm begging."
"I don't want to smile." I told him bitterly. He frowned a little and sighed.
"You will. C'mon, let's bake a cake." Kentin suggested. I looked at him oddly.
"What the hell is a cake going to do?" I asked him, bitchiness filling my voice like an acid on a plant.
"Take your mind off of things. I promise you'll feel better." Kentin extended his hand. Reluctantly, I took it and let him drive me to the store with him. The whole way, he told jokes and funny stories about his childhood. Once out of the car and in the grocery store, he split up the tasks. "You can go get the milk and eggs and I'll get the frosting and cake mix." Kentin suggested, looking over the list of things we needed. I nodded and took the shopping cart. He gave me a quick peck as he went the opposite way to the frosting aisle. I continued past a few aisle almost all the way to the back of the store where the tempeature dropped the closer I got. I had zoned out somewhere between pushing the cart to the dairy products and to the moment that I had ran into someone else's cart. The sound of metal clashing shoved me back into reality. I looked up to meet a pair of deep gray eyes...Castiel. His red hair looked more brilliant, he must've redyed it. He was staring at me. Recognition crossed over his face and I felt myself blush.
"Camilla." His voice was barely above a whipser. There was nothing in the cart I'd been pushing. I stepped back and turned away from him. "Camilla! Hold on!" I heard him start to come after me and I broke into a run. The sound of his steps deminishing behind me.

I found Kentin in deep thought on the frosting aisle. He had a box of vanilla cake mix tucked under his arm. He glanced at me with a smile when he saw me coming.
"Hey, um, were's the milk and eggs?" He asked me. I sighed. I had to explain myself to him.
"I ran into someone. And I didn't want to see them." I said skirting around the problem. He raised an eyebrow.
"Who?" He asked me. His voice full of concern.
"I ran into Castiel and I think he remembered me. So I ran." I replied trying to calm myself down.
"Camilla." He took a step towards me and slunk an arm around my waist. "We don't have to get the milk and eggs here. C'mon." He walked with me to the cash register, buying the frosting and cake mix without another word. Every so often, he's look over at me, worridly. I wanted to be with Kentin. He made me happy, but..so had Castiel.

We winded up getting everything else we needed at another grocery stpre. Things were different somehow. Kentin was nervous to even say anything to me.
"You're more shaken up about this than I am." I told him. He shurgged.
"I know you still have feelings for him. I understand. But your seeing him again, and him remembering..I just don't want to lose you is all. He explained. He squeezed my hand gently.
"You shouldn't worry about that. I ran because that part of my life is over." I wrapped my arms around him. "I just want to be happy with you." I could hear his heart beating. Shockingly, it wasn't racing like mine was whenever I was this close to him. I leaned up and kissed him. I felt him wrap his arms around me and pull me closer to him. I smiled into the kiss as he tickled me lightly.
"Thanks. I needed that." He said against my lips. I closed the distance between our mouths again, savoring every moment. The kiss ended all too soon and we had to begin baking our cake. I tore open the cake mix box and didn't spill any mix. I had to teach Kentin how to crack an egg and once I did, we only had a few eggshells in our cake batter.
"I think there should be more water." I noted spooning out some of the batter and watch it slowly slide off the spoon back into the bowl.
"Nah, I think it's fine." He dipped his finger in the mix and tapped the tip of my nose. I did the same back to him. "Hey!"
"Ha! Now we both have vanilla batter noses." I joked. He leaned down and kissed the tip of my nose.
"Only one of us does now." He smirked. I leaned up and kissed away the batter from his nose.
"Two can play that game." I said to him coyly. Back and forth we battled creating an even biggger mess than there was before. Flour coated the floor in certain spots and cake batter smeared the coffee maker and microwave.
"Look at this mess you made." Kentin said jokingly while I slid the cake into the oven. I turned back to him.
"I made? You helped make it too." I said smiling up at him. We both turned as the front door opened and Aunt Danni walked into the kitchen.
"I hope you two know your cleaning this up." Aunt Danni said passivly. She smiled at us right before she left the kitchen. Me and Kentin both starting laughing.
"We should start cleaning this up." Kentin suggested. I went to the pantry and got the paper towels and started wiping the cake batter off of the microwave. Kentin swept the floor of all the flour. By the time the kitchen had returned to what it had looked like prior to our baking a cake, the sun had went down the cake was ready to come out of the oven. "Where're the oven gloves?"
"What'd you call them?" I asked him handing him the oven mitts.
"Oven gloves, what do you call them?"
"Oven mitts."
"Well, that's not that much different."
"Yeah, but it sounds weird when you say it." I said with a small laugh. Kentin pretened to be hurt.
"I'm weird now? I'm hurt." He said to me. Aunt Danni came back into the kitchen and looked from the ceiling to the floor.
"I'm glad you two actually cleaned that mess. I would've hated to have to punish someone." My aunt was joking. Somehow I knew deep down though, she was just as upset or even more so than I had been. I glanced over at the clock over the stove as Kentin took out the cake. It looked horrible. It was lopsided and some parts were darker than others. "Oh, don't ever go into the cooking industry." The cake wasn't meant to turn out to look beautiful, it was supposed to take our minds off of everything that had happened recently. My parents dying, Castiel being hit by a car, and now Amber's suicide. It was a really bitter pill to swallow. And I was glad that Kentin went out of his way to make me smile every single chance he got.

I didn't sleep very well that night. In fact, I winded up sneaking out again, something I hadn't done in months. I was really just wandering the streets trying to escape my thoughts. Thoughts filled with anger, sadness and painful images I just wanted to forget. Somehow, I'd winded up wandering right to De Circ. The memory of being stuck in that cleaning closet with Castiel rushed to my brain. I shoved the thought away violently. Something in the bottom of my stomach willed for me to go inside. I winded up going inside anway. The inside hadn't changed much, it still was dank and a bad place to be if you were someone like me. I went to the bar and sat down. Doll Face was there, her young face even more aged by the amount of make-up covering her face. She glanced up at me when she saw me.
"You're back again, Hon." Doll Face said to me not looking up from the counter she was wiping. I sighed.
"My feet kind of led me here. I was just walking and winded up here." I told her. She nodded, like she didn't believe me.
"He's really hung up on you. Ever since he came back, he's just been sluggish and seems to be off in his thoughts all the time." She poured a mug full of a dark brown liquid and passed it to an older man with an all white long beard.
"Hm. Can I be honest with you?" I asked her. She shrugged, her hot pink lip-stained lips in a thin line.
"Sure, hon. I won't tell a soul unless you want me to."
"I can't get him out of my head. No matter how much I want to or try to. I thought I'd moved on, and today when I saw him, and he remembered me..." I continued to tell Doll Face everything, her nodding and putting her two cents in where nessecary. "I still love him don't I?"
"Now that, is something you need to decided on your own." Doll Face told me, her tone almost unreadable.
"Do you know where he is?" I asked her. She shrugged.
"Probably out front taking a smoke break." I thanked her and hurried outside into the chilly night air. Why hadn't I brought a jacket? I looked around and a few feet away there was Castiel, leaning on a bus-stop sign, smoking. He turned to where I was standing almost like he'd known I was there the whole time.
"Hey." I said feeling stupid already. He leaned off of the sign and stubbed out his cigarette.
"Hey." He said to me. I looked down at my shoes sheepishly. "What are you doing here? It's really late and dangerous around here."
"I know, I couldn't sleep-" I started but he interuppted me.
"And you walked here?" He shook his head like I'd done something stupid.
"Yeah..." What had I been thinking, walking there, like he'd want to talk to me, after I ran away from him in the grocery store. "Castiel, I'm sorry for running from you earlier."
"It's cool, I understand why you did that." He smirked that same smirk that made my heart skip a beat. "How have you been?"
"I'm alive." I said with a shrug. His smirk faded a little and was replaced with a serious and concerned look.
"What happened?" He asked me. I couldn't just tell him that since things were somewhat called off between us that I'd been an emotional wreck. Nothing made sense anymore, my enemy became my friend then killed herself, the one guy I thought was completly trustworthy was nothing more than a dirty pervert, and the one guy that used to annoy me so much was now my boyfriend. And the last thing I was questioning if Kentin was just a rebound, I did care about him, that was true, but I was having trouble deciding if I cared more about Castiel than Kentin.
"I can't go into detail now. You have to go back to work, and I don't want to distract you with everything."
"Well when can you tell me everything?"
"When do you want to be told everything?" I was flirting and I knew it. I was a horrible girlfriend. I didn't want to hurt Kentin, he was so sweet and comforting. Castiel smirked again.
"Right now, but we can talk tomorrow after school. Your place okay? My parents have been breathing down my neck at home."
"Yeah it's fine. I didn't know your parents were staying with you."
"We haven't really been on talking terms, Camilla." It was starting to get really hard to look at him and not want to just throw my arms around him and forget everything. Forget all the stupid things that were said, and the wrong decisions I'd made and just let Castiel make things better. But I just couldn't do that.
"I'm happy to see that you're all better." I turned and started my long trek back home. A part of me wanted Castiel to grab my wrist and pull me back to him, but another knew he'd never do that.

By the time that I got home, it was a few hours before I had to get up and go to school, so I just stayed up. I wasn't tired so there was no point in going to sleep. I watched some old re-run shows and studied a little. When it came time for me to actually get up, I got dressed and ate an apple. I even left the house earlier than usual and met Kentin half-way down the street.
"Good morning to you." Kentin kissed my cheek. "Did you get an early start or something?"
"You could say that. Um, after school today, don't bother waiting up for me." I told him. His smiled drooped a little.
"Oh, why?" His bright green eyes stopped me from being able to lie to him. I knew how much he didn't want to lose me, and all that, but I felt that I needed to be with Castiel more. But that minute didn't feel like the time to go into all these details with him. I shrugged.
"I just need to be alone." I lied. I did need to pencil in some time for myself, but I wasn't going to be alone. Castiel was coming over, and I had no idea what I wanted to say or what either of us wanted.

A/N: So sorry for this long awaited chapter! I mean I really have been trying to get it out, and there's so much I wanted to occur first before other things happen. But yeah, Castiel's back, I know your happy with that, :) Leave me awesome comments, it makes me happy and finish chapters with more determination.