AN: Screw my new rule. I needed to write this.

Thank you for the support, I can't stress to you how much it means.


Chapter 12 | What Was

The rest of the week was a blur. Moment by moment. Time was just something I needed to pass so I could start to heal, feel better, recover and become who I once was. So things could go back to being how they used to be, even though deep down I knew they never would.

I would never be the same.

When Friday hit, I hadn't seen it coming. Once upon a time the weekend used to be the best part of my life. Always there was a party or something for me to do. Always, I was invited to go hang out or I would spend time with Brittany or we would party. There was always something for Friday and Saturday and Sunday I would recover. Tale as old as time.

Now I craved to be alone because I was afraid being around others would make me want to talk and open up. At the same time, though, part of me was terrified of being alone. My head had become full of so much bad that I couldn't stand to be there and lack of interaction was just the sound of loneliness and it echoed deep inside of me and chilled my bones.

It was a constant back and forth battle. I needed the time alone to settle myself after trying not to panic all day. School was particularly hard. The only time I felt okay was in Glee and that was an hour out of seven I had to spend working not to fall to pieces. After I had calmed myself I wanted to be around people. I didn't want to be alone. A calm head could process memories and the more I processed the more I panicked. It was a horrible cycle I couldn't get out of.

So when I got the invite to Brittany's for the weekend I pounced on it.


"So?" The voice was expectant and right behind me. Were it male I would have jumped, spun around quickly, ready to attack or defend or whatever I could manage. It wasn't, it was her voice, Brittany, one of the few things that kept me grounded.

Sometimes I felt haunted, as if I was being followed by this ghost that was keeping me away from everyone else, that was keeping me from functioning as I should and when I felt like I was on the edge she could call me back. With one word she could call me back and things would be okay, even if only for a moment, I would feel okay.

"So?" I replied without any inflection. I didn't have it in me. I was drained. Days were becoming longer and colder and I was fading into myself more and more each day.

"Are you coming over?" She looked genuinely confused and a little disappointed.

"I...completely forgot. Brittany, I'm so sorry." It was true, I had. I hadn't even known it was Friday. I was just going through the motions.

"Oh," she said, glancing down, biting at her lip then looking back up at me. She was smiling but it didn't spread to her face. Her eyes looked dull, sad. I couldn't stand it. Her smile was usually warm, it enveloped all around it and I craved that warmth.

"No, Britt, it's just been a long week. I didn't mean to forget," I said lamely. I didn't talk much anymore and while I wasn't tongue-tied I didn't know what to say nor did I have the will to word the situation for Brittany to understand.

"Well, the invitation is still there." She looked me straight in the eye and my heart fluttered. We could be the only two people in the world when we locked eyes. It wouldn't matter if there was a crown around us, in that moment, we were all that mattered. I missed it. I missed her.

"I would love to," I began. Her face lit up. "But I didn't come with anything all of my stuff is at Mr. Schue's..." Did I need to ask them for permission? But I had, hadn't I? Earlier in the week. They said it was fine. But I should tell them, I suppose.

"We'll go ask," she said linking pinkies with me.


She was driving us to her house. I hadn't been to the Pierce's in so long that it felt almost dream-like as we made our way through town, the familiar path to my second home.

I sat in the passenger seat with my eyes closed. We remained silent but there was nothing awkwardness. It felt nice to relax. I knew I wouldn't be pressured to talk or have adult, watchful eyes on me waiting for another freak panic attack. I could relax and just be with no expectations. One of the many reasons I loved Brittany.

When she parked her car, though, I felt my heart begin to pound. It wasn't from panic, though, I was nervous. Nervous about seeing her family, about what Brittany had told them and what they knew. What if they knew everything? What if they knew about the way I was and they reacted the like my parents had? But they couldn't, they had let Brittany invite me. Too many thoughts. My eyes snapped open.

Brittany opened her door. I grabbed her arm. "What did you tell them?" I hadn't meant to be so intense or aggressive but everything swirling in my head caused confusion.

She put a hand on mine and took it in her own. "You're okay, here, San." She got out of the car.

I sat in the passenger seat and watched her walk to the porch. She turned and looked at me expectantly.

I sighed. I could trust Brittany. This would be fine.


The house smelled exactly the same. It smelled a little bit like Brittany and a little bit like food and a little bit like family and familiarity. I inhaled deeply in the doorway and without warning or reason my vision became blurry. I panicked for the briefest of moments before I finally realized that it was tears and I was about to lose myself again.

It was too much, though, being back to a place where life had been normal. I had been me and Brittany didn't have to be so worrisome over me and we were together working on coming out. I wanted this. I wanted stability and family and Brittany and it felt so far away and so close at the same time that my chest tightened with happiness and sadness and all other emotions in between.

Brittany grabbed my hand and I looked at her. She looked like she was on the verge of tears too. "Welcome home, San," she whispered just quietly enough for me to barely make out.

I wanted to pull her so close to me that we would never be separated.

"Brittany?" Mrs. Pierce yelled from the kitchen.

"Yeah," Brittany choked out, then again, louder. "Yeah?"

I wiped my eyes furiously with my sleeves, trying to calm the swell that was building inside of me. I heard footsteps and looked up. Mrs. Pierce was in the entrance way looking back and forth at me and her daughter. I couldn't read her expression. I braced myself for her anger. We were still holding hands. I was openly a wreck and Brittany didn't look too far behind me.

"Well shut the door," she told Brittany, who quickly obeyed. "And you," she said turning to me. I had never been intimidated by Brittany's mom but now she scared me. "It's good to see you, Santana."

She pulled me into a hug. It was the type of hug that I had been craving. The type of contact and affection that I had wanted since this entire ordeal started. It was different than the hugs I got from Brittany or Emma. It was a hug from a mom. That indescribable way that they could just take all of your angst and make you feel like a child again.

But she wasn't my mom and we broke apart.

"I'm thinking Italian tonight, yes?" She eyed us both and didn't even look twice when my hand went back to Brittany's. She flitted back to the kitchen. "Keep an eye out for your sister!"

"Okay," Brittany called. She looked at me and smiled. A real smile that spread to her eyes and spread to me and for the first time in a long time I felt the warm.


Dinner was pasta with a meat sauce that I'm sure came out of a can. Both Pierce parents worked and dinner was usually whatever anyone could throw together. It tasted fantastic.

I listened to them talk and tell stories about their day. I even laughed. I laughed and meant it and realized that I needed more laughter in my life, more Brittany. We listened intently as Brittany's younger sister told us about her encounter with a boy and we listened to Mr. Pierce talk about lame office jokes that for some reason were actually really funny.

I never wanted it to end. I wanted to be a part of it forever, even if it wasn't my family.

When dinner was over Brittany offered our services to help do dishes, but we were dismissed.

She took me to her room, a place I had been a million times before, but as we climbed the stairs and rounded a corner I felt my heart thud in my chest. More nerves.

Nothing about her room had changed. I had expected something to be different, anything, but it was all the same. Maybe I had just changed a lot. I sat on her bed and she stood by the door which she shut firmly.

We remained silent. I kept my eyes on the floor. I didn't know what to say. Usually finding something to talk about with Brittany was easy, second nature and even if there wasn't anything to talk about silence was never awkward. But it grew, the silence, and so did my feeling of unease.

"Brittany, I'm so sorry," I said. I meant it.

"Why do you keep doing that?" She looked confused and distraught.

"What?"

"Why do you keep apologizing to me?" She crossed her arms.

I was quiet. I didn't know why I felt the need to say I was sorry. I shook my head and felt small.

"I'm at fault too, Santana," she said softly. The use of my full name threw me for a moment.

"Why're you sorry?" This wasn't how this was supposed to go. I was the one who had messed up. I was the one who kept messing up.

"I saw the bruise and I knew you were acting weird and I didn't say anything." Her arms fell to her sides. "And you were living outside and you didn't tell me." She moved towards me. "I wasn't there to help you." Her eyes were glistening with unshed tears and I felt myself well up. This was just too much.

"Like I would have let you near enough to me to figure things out," I said. It was true. I was always so quick to pull away, even now. I didn't want to do this, I wanted things with Brittany to be simple.

"If I had just been smart enough to figure it out," she said, voice breaking. She looked down and I knew she was crying.

I was standing in front of her in a moment. I cupped her cheek and used the pad of a thumb to brush away a tear, tilting her head up to look at me. "You are so smart, you just have a stupid best friend."

She opened her mouth to protest but I kept on. "No one did anything to help me, Brittany, because I never let anyone get near enough to me to do anything. I don't like it when people are in my business so why would they bother when I would have bit their heads off? I'm the stupid one. I always have been. It's my fault."

"I'm at fault too," she said again, almost pleading with me to believe her.

"You're not," I said, my face was hot and I could feel the warm tears falling thickly from my eyes. Why was she crying? If she cried I cried. I wasn't strong enough to do this. I didn't want to see her hurt especially when she had done nothing wrong. It was me. It was all me.

"I wanted you to come out and you did and your parents kicked you out," she said it quickly. "I thought about it for like, a long time. If I had just been okay with us you wouldn't be homeless." Her voice caught in her throat and she choked back a small sob.

"Britt, please," I begged. I needed her to know. I needed her to understand. We were standing close to each other, almost touching. Her hands had rested on my hips and I was still cupping her face, keeping our eyes locked. I needed her to know.

I choked back a sob that caused my body to shake.

"Fuck," I said through the tears. "This is all I am anymore." She looked at me, face contorted, trying to hold back everything we hadn't said to each other in weeks. "Tears and bad memories."

"No," she said softly. She pulled me into her and I broke. I cried into her neck and I felt her body shaking underneath me.

It had been so long. We were inseparable during the summer. We had spent almost all of our free time together before I had been kicked out, before our fight. Our time apart had left us both feeling empty and alone. Now, though, being wrapped in Brittany I felt right, I felt safe and at home, even if I was crying.

"I love you so much," she whispered. I pulled away from her just enough to look her in the eye. She kissed me on the forehead.

"I love you, too," I said softly. I tried to stifle my crying and calm my nerves.

She kissed my cheek.

"I love you more than anything, Britt," I said shakily.

She pressed her lips so lightly against mine that I almost didn't feel it. Our lips met again and my eyes closed and I was lost in Brittany.

I had felt so lost and empty anymore. I had felt loneliness so strongly it became a physical ache and in that moment I realized I was aching for Brittany. For all of her.

I kissed her back.

I felt like I had needed her more than I needed anything. I needed her like I needed air. Our kiss, that was becoming more and more with every passing moment would fix everything, fix me, even if it was just for the moment.

She backed me into her bed and when my legs hit the edge I was pushed down onto it, Brittany following me, our lips breaking for just a moment.

It was familiar. We had been here a million times before and I wanted her. I wanted to feel her. I wanted to feel what she made me feel when we were together. I wanted to feel something that wasn't fear or anxiety or weakness.

She was straddling me, kissing my neck, kissing my lips, kissing anything she could. I gasped as a hand ran over my stomach and slowly made it's way up to my chest.

Something inside of me turned to ice.

Brittany was gentle, kind, everything I needed. She was loving and giving and still I felt it.

I felt him.

He had traced these same lines with rougher, bigger hands. He had touched me and tainted me and I couldn't get him out of my head and Brittany's kisses were becoming like fire but in the way where I knew I was going to burn alive and die. I knew where we were going and I wasn't ready for that yet.

"Stop," I whispered when our lips broke apart for a brief moment.

"What?" She stopped, immediately. She sat up and I pushed myself up on my arms, looking up at her, straddling my lap.

"I can't, Britt," I said slowly.

She looked hurt. I had never denied her, ever. It wasn't rejection, though.

"Britt, no, look," I began. I sat up completely and her body adjusted naturally to my new position. I hugged her close, my head on her chest. "I want to be with you, I'm just..."

What could I say? My heart was pounding. I felt panic gripping my chest causing my breathing to be shaky. He had touched me.

I had had a lot of sex. It wasn't a secret. I had been touched by guys before. It was sometimes rough, but usually accidentally, nervous hands for a first timer. Never had I been violated until Mark and now I felt damaged. My breathing was shallow.

"Shhh, San," she whispered kissing my forehead gently. She wrapped her arms around me. "Come on." She felt the change, she felt my body tense and heard my breathing. She couldn't see me like this. I moved to pull away from her and she held me close. "Come on," she repeated gently.

We moved apart for a moment, adjusting our bodies to a more comfortable position. We were laying down, facing each other. Brittany was holding both of my hands in hers and I was as close to her as I could possibly imagine. She pulled a small blanket over us out of habit.

Still, I felt my breathing speeding up and getting out of control. Brittany pulled me close and I rode through the panic, shutting my eyes tight, trying to come back to her, to our moment together. "I've got you, San."

I knew she did.

I knew that she would never hurt me. It wasn't in Brittany's nature to do damage. That was all me.

It struck me whenever I felt fear around the men I knew and didn't know, especially the ones I did. It struck me when I felt panic for no reason or fear or nausea. It struck me hard, in this moment with Brittany. I was finally realizing that my life would never be the same. That this was something I had to face for the rest of my life. That this was something I couldn't erase or make better with another assignment or extra rehearsals. This was a permanent mark on me forever.

I would never, ever be the same again.

"We don't have to do anything." She quietly.

I nodded and a sob escaped my lips. I wanted to be with her. I did. "Brittany," I said. I needed her to know. "I'm sorry." I was crying freely again. "I want to be with. I want you. I need you and I'm sorry." I was hysterical and I knew I was losing it. Brittany didn't deserve this. She deserved better and she always would.

She pulled me into her again and I cried openly. I poured myself into Brittany because I needed to. I needed to share all of the pain and fear with someone else and she was the only one I knew wouldn't run. No matter what, she would always be there.

No matter what.


AN: This chapter is very important to me and very real. I feel like it's the worst one yet, though.